Now its time to loosen ya stays....get down
Now its time to loosen ya stays....get down
Poor Beastie is doomed.
About three years ago , I finished work on Christmas Eve . In a fever of excitement I pedalled off in the pouring rain , hoping to jump in my car ready for the three hour drive to Ma Beasties , where the entire Beast clan was waiting to start the Christmas festivities.
Only some idjit left a few stray logs lying in the road , which I didn't see in the pouring rain...... I fell off my bike and buckled the front wheel.
With much muttering and mouthing of rich Christmas oaths I limped off down the road wheeling my poor wrecked bike.
It rained harder and harder , and within 15 minutes I was soaked to the skin , water was squishing out of my trainers with every step and my trackie bottoms were so waterlogged , they began to stretch, so the legs were dragging on the floor and the crutch was dangling between my knees like a festively filled nappy.
About half way home , I had to pass Charity Santa's house.
Charity Santa does a big show every year , the biggest and best house bling you ever saw , and he dresses as Santa and lurks for hours in a little tent on the roadside greeting throngs of children and parents , that come from miles around , he collects a fortune for various charities and makes thousands of kids Christmas a bit special.
As I dragged my sorry soaking self plus ruined bike past 'Santa's Grotto' , which was completely deserted due to the howling storm . Out popped attention seeking 'Charity Santa' and cheerfully shouted
'HO HO HO YOUNG MAN.... YOU LOOK A BIT WET'
to which I responded(not being in the best or most charitable of moods at this stage)
I insulted charity Santa..... :-(
Now I am cursed
And its serves me right !
Happy Christmas to one and all. I hope you all have a relaxed and happy time , whatever your doing
Christmas is coming and Beast is getting fat !
Its iether feast of famine chez Beasty.....and this year its feast.
For no obvious reason I am feeling rather chipper , I was struck down with another blasted cold earlier in the week , a real runny , sneezy , messy horror . I went into hibernation mode for a couple of days , stuffed meself till I nearly burst , watched lots of crap telly and generally dossed about. Now I feel totally energised , annoyingly optimistic and raring to go.
So its on with me lucky pants (thats underpants for our US cousins) , a splash of Brut and Beast will be puckered up and lurking under a bunch of mistletoe near you :-)
As I floated down the office this morning , someone had laid out a tray of big juicy jam(jelly for our heathen American cousins) donuts . They were enticing me with their greasy sugary lovelyness , crooning their calorific siren song. So as no one was about , and to steal a march on all the other greedy bastards , I trousered one pretty sharpish and scuttled off to my desk. I then to my horror saw Eric and Natemare returning from the coffee shop so I had to unhinge my jaw and bolt the damn thing in one go. I thought my look of innocence would carry it off , but sadly my sugar and jam besplattered countenance were my undoing .
Natemare gave me a beady look and asked very loudly if I had just pinched a donut.
I could see my chance of a second 'public' donut slipping thru my fingers , I off course blustered and lied ,
How dare you......my body is a temple , blah , blah etc etc.
Eric spotting my obvious duplicity told me The Baby Jesus would know if I had lied .....AND WOULD MAKE ME PAY.
Piffle I thought. and sauntered off all fake wounded innocence to our new smoking shelter. Conveniently situated up a steep slope 200 yards from the building.
No sooner had I got there , than the sky blackened , fork lightening started to sizzle all around , and belicose rumbles of thunder reverberated in the air. Within a minute the most amazingly violent hail storm battered our little smokers wendy house . Beast cowering at the communal ashtray begging forgiveness , and promising to sacrifice the fat girl in the corner who had obviously been pinching more donuts than me.
With a parting shot of ' Your donut snaffling days are over Lardass.....Repent or boil in you own body fat' I skidded off down the ice packed slope , battered by the the boiling tempest all the way.
I now repent and on Frobishers life will never tell another donut related lie again (dont make any long term plans Mr F :-) )
OK this recipe is for First Nations. Yes it looks like cat sick but it is lusciousness incarnate , Spicy hot , crunchy magnificence......an orgasm on your tongue. You can have it slapped on anything , cheese , meats , sandwiches . I love it on hot buttered toast.
Its that good .You wont know wether to eat it or spoon it down your skimpies............anyways here is a basic piccalilly recipe , For a Ma Beasty extra kick add finely chopped fiery red chillies to the veg.Ingredients
150g/5oz kitchen or sea salt
1.5 litres/2½ pints cold water
900 g/2lb mixed vegetables approximately(Basically any veg you can eat semi raw , whatever you got laying about green beans , carrot , cucumber celery , red and green peppers)
300g/10oz cauliflower florets
225g/8oz silverskin onions
115g/4oz green peppers
600ml/1 pint malt vinegar
1 tsp mixed pickling spices
25g/1oz plain flour
15ml/1tbsp English mustard powder, or to taste(use 2 :-) )
2 tbls sugar (optional : if you like a sweet sweet counterpoint)
7.5ml/½ tbsp turmeric, or to taste
2 x 5ml/2 tsp ground ginger, or to taste
3 tbsp malt vinegar
strained spiced vinegar
1. To make the wet brine - mix the salt with cold water in a large mixing bowl, allow plenty of space for the vegetables.
2. To make the vegetables - prepare the vegetables by cutting them into 1½ cm/½ inch pieces or even smaller. Make sure they are as regular in shape as possible.
3. Put into the wet brine and leave for 24 hours. Place a plate on top of the vegetables to make sure they are kept well under the liquid.
4. For the spiced vinegar - put the vinegar and spices into an aluminium or stainless steel saucepan, bring just to boiling point, lower the heat, cover the pan and simmer gently for 10-15 minutes; allow to cool. There will be less than 600ml/1 pint of vinegar but this will be correct for the sauce.
5. For the sauce - blend the flour, mustard powder, turmeric and ginger in a good sized basin, add the three tablespoons vinegar, stir to make a smooth paste. Gradually strain the spiced vinegar over the ingredients, make sure the mixture is smooth.
6. Pour into a large saucepan and stir over a low heat until as thick as required. It should be thick enough to coat the back of a wooden spoon without running off.
7. To complete the piccalilli - remove the vegetables from the brine, drain very well but in this case do not rinse in cold water as there is no salt in the sauce. Add to the thickened sauce. When this has reached simmering point simmer for one minute only, so the small pieces keep a good shape and texture.
8. To bottle - stir gently to ensure a good distribution of vegetables then spoon into hot sterilized jars and cover. Do not put metal tops directly over the pickle, for the vinegar would rust these. If using metal tops, line with thick cardboard.
The best thing about this time of year , is the majestic sprout.
A versatile and tasty vegetable . Boil for 10 minutes and serve with a knob of butter and ground black pepper.....fantastic. Gone are the days when grandma Beasty would put the sprouts on to boil the day after halloween ready for xmas dinner , and produce a vile soggy kharki mush.They dont agree with everyones digestion and can produce voluminous amounts of cabbagey wind that cause hours of christmas afternoon fun as Granny farts the National Anthem during the traditional queens speech.
For safety sake always ensure you chew your sprouts well , and never on any account swallow them whole, as shattering great Aunt Bessies dentures with an unfortunate half digested , bottom burp driven , sprout projectile never goes down well
Sprouts have many other uses.
1.Thread on a string and have hours of family fun with a game of 'Sprouts' (just like conkers but with sprouts)
2.Super glue small sprouts around your anus and frighten people when you bend over in the showers at the gym with your comedy supturating haemaroids.
3.Jungle Jane tells me they they make excellent anal beads and double as healthy snack on those long commutes to work.
4.Orgasmic(err sorry organic) Love Eggs.....nuff said
5. Eco friendly jewellry - attractive and fragrant....yum yum
6.Keep an overcooked sprout in your hanky and amuse all you friends by pretending to sneeze and showing them your hanky contents....how we laughed.
These are just a few uses for the fun filled sprout .Please detail your sprout related shenanigans below.
The Beast is temporarily swamped with a mountain of work , bills and a general malaise.
Once the Beast has finished having an attack of the 'vapours' , he will return.
The Management at Beastbite would like to apologise for any inconvenience caused by its 'talent' having a tantrum and doing a 'Hitch flounce'.