Monday, 31 December 2007


Well here we are again New Years Eve. 2007 at a close , it has been a bit of a funny getting nowhere sort of year for me to the dawn of 2008.

2008 feels like its going somewhere , I am already a bit excited about it , but I am not sure why.

One of my highlights of 2007 has been the blogging , you are all wonderful , talented , interesting people , and I have enjoyed your company enormously . I am constantly amazed anyone would read the drivel I churn out , but lack of writing talent not withstanding , I do enjoy it.

I hope you all have the New Years celebrations you enjoy , and get everything you deserve in 2008 (Did you see what I did there......everything you deserve...there's a double edged sword if ever I saw one....he he he).

My 2008 Big wish list

Finally give up smoking

Pinky and Muts to get wonderful jobs

Mr C to get his business

The Champs Beard to become president of Pakistan

First Nations for US president

Frobisher for Miss Bournemouth 2008

Jungle Jane to finally write a post

World Peace

The end to famine and poverty

3 packets of cheese and onion crisps

A pickled onion

Everyone else to have a wonderful time

Now its time to loosen ya stays....get down


Thursday, 27 December 2007


Its all over for another year . Beast is tired , bloated , hung over and broke.
Was it all worth it.?????
Oh Yes !
I hope you all had a good christmas(I did ) and have the News Years Eve of your choice planned.
Personally I dont like New Years Eve , I dont know why , but the jolity seems a bit too forced ...Everywhere is over subscribed and over priced , packed solid with people , grimly 'having fun' .
I am not going to go out and get drunk and 'enjoy' meself This year.......
Having said this ,No doubt Beast will be found dancing about in Bournemouth square , drunk as a skunk with me underpants on me head.
My problem is.......I am easily led :-(

Friday, 21 December 2007


Poor Beastie is doomed.

About three years ago , I finished work on Christmas Eve . In a fever of excitement I pedalled off in the pouring rain , hoping to jump in my car ready for the three hour drive to Ma Beasties , where the entire Beast clan was waiting to start the Christmas festivities.

Only some idjit left a few stray logs lying in the road , which I didn't see in the pouring rain...... I fell off my bike and buckled the front wheel.

With much muttering and mouthing of rich Christmas oaths I limped off down the road wheeling my poor wrecked bike.

It rained harder and harder , and within 15 minutes I was soaked to the skin , water was squishing out of my trainers with every step and my trackie bottoms were so waterlogged , they began to stretch, so the legs were dragging on the floor and the crutch was dangling between my knees like a festively filled nappy.

About half way home , I had to pass Charity Santa's house.

Charity Santa does a big show every year , the biggest and best house bling you ever saw , and he dresses as Santa and lurks for hours in a little tent on the roadside greeting throngs of children and parents , that come from miles around , he collects a fortune for various charities and makes thousands of kids Christmas a bit special.

As I dragged my sorry soaking self plus ruined bike past 'Santa's Grotto' , which was completely deserted due to the howling storm . Out popped attention seeking 'Charity Santa' and cheerfully shouted


to which I responded(not being in the best or most charitable of moods at this stage)



I insulted charity Santa..... :-(

Now I am cursed


And its serves me right !

Happy Christmas to one and all. I hope you all have a relaxed and happy time , whatever your doing

Tuesday, 18 December 2007



Beast being a true artist , has been busy creating a commemorative tea tray especially for the occasion , depicting Mr C sunbathing on Studland beach , I have taken a little artistic licence and transformed the cloud of flies into cavorting cherubs :-).

This is a limited edition so order now to avoid disappointment.

Still available is my famous Oil painting of Frobisher , Mutley and a few like minded friends* returning from a successful shopping trip to Lidl .

* Miss First Nations triumphantly holds aloft the last Frey Bentos pie , the champ slumped in exhaustion from fighting his beards insatiable appetites(Is the donkey safe! ).Mr C wearing his Lidl's fake tan / wood stain can be seen cavorting with The Hitch in the background .Wee Piggy is pictured in the foreground , knicking a bunch of grapes.

Saturday, 15 December 2007


Christmas is coming and Beast is getting fat !

Its iether feast of famine chez Beasty.....and this year its feast.

For no obvious reason I am feeling rather chipper , I was struck down with another blasted cold earlier in the week , a real runny , sneezy , messy horror . I went into hibernation mode for a couple of days , stuffed meself till I nearly burst , watched lots of crap telly and generally dossed about. Now I feel totally energised , annoyingly optimistic and raring to go.

So its on with me lucky pants (thats underpants for our US cousins) , a splash of Brut and Beast will be puckered up and lurking under a bunch of mistletoe near you :-)

Tuesday, 11 December 2007


Well good for Bruce. I bet he didnt have to do the fecking Christmas shopping.
I set off yesterday for a days Xmas shopping with Mr C.Jumping up and down in my seat , full of festive spirit .......which lasted all of 2 minutes when Mr C's car went phut 25 yards from the house.
So undaunted we piled to the Beastmobile , Mr C's steaming wreck a fading memory as we barrelled off into a beautiful , bright frosty could almost hear them sleighbells.
Mr C insisted on driving (as I drive like a granny aparently) which left me to give directions , which is never a good idea as I cant tell my left from my right.Going round a roundabout 8 times in the middle of southhampton with Beast yelling LEFT LEFT LEFT and gesticulating wildly to the RIGHT gets old VERY QUICKLY.
Eventually we trundled up to , what is billed as, The South Coasts Premier Shopping Experience.........
It is in reality what Grandma Beasty would have called all fur coat and no knickers.
Yes its very flash, but it is full of overpriced shops all selling the same tired old stuff. The whole place was jammed full of fat people wearing lots of unatural fibre. Now, wether they where dragged in by the gravitational pull generated by all these other fat people , like a multitude of small planets..... or maybe its the polyester mating season. it was hard to tell. They certainly looked bemused and lurched about in babbling clumps bristling with walking sticks , walking frames and baby buggies, stopping you walking anywhere in a straight line or getting close to anything you wanted to look at.
We gave up after a couple of hours and stopped off at the 'German' market for a 'Delicious authentic bratwurst in a fresh bun' ............ a Greasy ,Diseased Donkey Dick served in a housebrick would have been a more apt was vile.
So Christmas is off to a flighing start Chez Beasty , I still have no presents*, and I cant get rid of the taste of the Bratwurst .
*I did manage to buy a box of BATH GOO. Tip it into your bath water and it instantly turns into a tub of Jello , ready for hours of hilarious festive bathtime fun

Wednesday, 5 December 2007


Do you remember the post about my scary late night encounters with the tranvestite clown on a bike???.

If anyone thought I was making it up, Mr C had a recent siting (which he will probably now deny.....well becuase thats how Mr C is).

Well one area left unexplored at the time was HOT CLOWN SEX

I have been doing a bit of internet investigating , as basically I know what lazy bastards you all are.

For your delectation and delight I have a selection of available and in some cases down right desperate raunchy red nosed totty from the Clown sex cruising sites

First up we have Marcelle , gagging for it , but has difficulty comunicating with people

Scaramouche.Is getting a bit bored with 'Self Love' . Looking for someone to fill her trousers with custard
Hooters , a saucy minx , whos ready willing and able to honk anyones horn!

The Amazing Manko..... lists his interests as falling over , making hilarious things with balloons and 'Fish Suppers'

Manko could obviously give Captain Birdseye a run for his money

Oooooh Matron , our Goldie loves nothing better than a bit of steamy role play with groups of dwarves , a pantomime horse, Hilarious cream pie and of course her speciality a laugh a minute custard enemas.
A convincing arguement for going private

Boffo , descibes himself as a sensetive soul , interested in 'juggling' , car maintenance , big flappy shoes , long unicyle rides in the country and what he euphemistically describes as 'Performing in the Ring'
Billy Smarts Big Top was never like this !

Well , Clowns are just so funny (NOT!)I hope this has adequately covered this topic and we can now all move swiftly on

Tuesday, 4 December 2007


My little brother Beast Minor has been secretly reading my blog , which became apparent when he ratted on me to Ma Beastie in the middle of dinner re the moulton bike and the hand knitted hat and gloves posts.At this point Pa Beasty assumed a hunted look and said 'He didn't mention those damn daffodils did he'.......
Oh yes hunted and guilty he may well look as yet another buried childhood trauma came flooding back .
About 6 months after starting school , we had to go and live in Norwich for a while , So Pa Beasty could complete his doctorate . So I had to start another school , which is horrible when your 5. Still it went OK and the only thing I managed to achieve while I was there was to make this pretty damn good 3D effect daffodil painting(Van Gogh's Sun flowers pfffffft).I was real proud of them.
Now when it came time to move back home , my class had a little ceremony to see me off and presented me with the daffodil masterpiece , signed by everyone in the class , so I would have something to remember them by.
After a fraught weekend of packing everything up , we were eventually all loaded into an overstuffed car ready for the 5 hour journey home , as we were going down the drive for the last time , we passed the dustbins ...... and there hanging out of the dustbin battered and torn was my discarded daffodil work of precocious genius...........
Put there by Pa Beasty......
The swine

Saturday, 1 December 2007


Typical , up to my eyeballs with work stuff and everyone starts inviting me to exciting social events.
I have a choice of brunch with Frobisher and Keef (pictured left a handsome pair you will agree)

Steak Nite at Mr C's .Always a pleasant evening of fine food and simple country entertainments.'Sniffing Dolly' is a particular favourite .

But unfortunatly I have had to snub them all for Ma and Pa Beasties Pre Xmas Family Get together.
The Restaurant is booked , and the emergency services have been notified.So I will see you all on my return (subject to bail conditions)

Thursday, 29 November 2007


Its three weeks to christmas.
I havn't even started thinking about what to get anyone.
So you lot what do people of the female persausion like as pressies????
I am completely stuck for ideas

Monday, 26 November 2007


Not these kind of plums

These ones.
Yes yet again it was chutney making fest at Gaskin Towers. I was dragooned into service as Kitchen Bitch , while the Gaskins flitted about making double entendres and laughing like hyena's at genital shaped pears .
I have a willy shaped like a parsnip so I found this a little tactless.
Anyways(Poofy Piggies favourite word)
I was chopping heaps of onions and garlic and peeling fecking plums.
Have you ever had to peel 46 lb's of plums......?????
For the love of God ........WHY???????

My chores finished I was eventually allowed to stagger off into the night , bleeding swollen fingers barely able to hold my car keys , reeking of onions, garlic and vinegar .
If I ever see another plum , or a pear amusingly shaped like a knob I will not be responsible for my actions.

**** Exits stage left with as much dignity as possible****
****given the dreadful whiff of vinegar*****

Saturday, 24 November 2007


Generally I am an insanely optimistic person (as Mr Mutley points out).
Occasionally you just drag yourself up in the morning , its grey , cold and manky (the weather is not up to much iether) , and you feel like crap.

I have a theory ....There is a little bit of your mind thats been storing up all the day to day bullshit you blithley gloss over , the poisonous little slights , the things you should have done , and didnt. All the crap thats part of life and like a pustulating blackhead suddenly splurts it out for your delictation and delight.

Now the Beast's theory is this , when this happens , dont just mope and soak it all up again.
Embrace it.......own it......and master it.

Heres what you do.
1. Physically feel the pain............. clean your house till you drop , manically do your garden , go to the gym , do any thing physically onerous and suffer baby suffer.
2.Drag up all those nasty little fragments of thought that have erupted into your conciousness and have yourself a little self flagellation and fight back party.
Get yourself a pen and paper , write down whatever pops into your head ....... read it, feel it and then cut loose with a response .The response may be directed at yourself , your friends or the world in general....... be viscious , be angry .....fill your boots.

Now you have physically felt the pain , mentally addressed your issues and had a screaming hissy fit at yourself , your friends and the universe in general.
3.Go buy your favourite baaaaaaaaaaaad foods , hole up on the sofa , in your fantastically clean house , put some crap on the telly , snuggle up under a quilt , stuff yourself stupid and just allow yourself to wallow in a bit of soul healing self pity , It helps if you imagine some dreadful retribution scenario's against those who have sinned against you.
4.Go to bed early and have a good nights sleep.

Tomorrow is another day........and I guarantee you will feel purged , optimistic and a feck site better.
Meanwhile The Beast can be found festering on a sofa near you , gutsing donuts and day dreaming of messy accidents involving certain people and a runaway steam roller/combine harvester.
Harumph !

Monday, 19 November 2007


As I floated down the office this morning , someone had laid out a tray of big juicy jam(jelly for our heathen American cousins) donuts . They were enticing me with their greasy sugary lovelyness , crooning their calorific siren song. So as no one was about , and to steal a march on all the other greedy bastards , I trousered one pretty sharpish and scuttled off to my desk. I then to my horror saw Eric and Natemare returning from the coffee shop so I had to unhinge my jaw and bolt the damn thing in one go. I thought my look of innocence would carry it off , but sadly my sugar and jam besplattered countenance were my undoing .

Natemare gave me a beady look and asked very loudly if I had just pinched a donut.

I could see my chance of a second 'public' donut slipping thru my fingers , I off course blustered and lied ,

How dare body is a temple , blah , blah etc etc.

Eric spotting my obvious duplicity told me The Baby Jesus would know if I had lied .....AND WOULD MAKE ME PAY.

Piffle I thought. and sauntered off all fake wounded innocence to our new smoking shelter. Conveniently situated up a steep slope 200 yards from the building.

No sooner had I got there , than the sky blackened , fork lightening started to sizzle all around , and belicose rumbles of thunder reverberated in the air. Within a minute the most amazingly violent hail storm battered our little smokers wendy house . Beast cowering at the communal ashtray begging forgiveness , and promising to sacrifice the fat girl in the corner who had obviously been pinching more donuts than me.

With a parting shot of ' Your donut snaffling days are over Lardass.....Repent or boil in you own body fat' I skidded off down the ice packed slope , battered by the the boiling tempest all the way.

I now repent and on Frobishers life will never tell another donut related lie again (dont make any long term plans Mr F :-) )

Friday, 16 November 2007


The Beast is having a tantrum.
What is it with fecking duvets......... why do I have so much trouble trying to stuff my duvet into its tasteful cover (pictured left).
It should be quite a simple opperation get square duvet into square cotton bag . Put top corners into place ease the bag down while holding corners , ease in bottom corners and bobs your uncle.
Its like putting on a condom (ok with added corners and a flabby member but the theory is the same) however we should all be proficient in that particular skill by now.
But no , the duvet manages to tie itself in a granny knot , or I end up inside the cover and the duvet doesnt.
I suspect a femenist/european union conspiracy .
Does anyone still use blankets.?
The Beast is going to make a few predictions of peoples bedding preferences
Frobisher - Ben Cohen Duvet set
Piggy and Tazzy - pink brushed nylon , matching valance , curtains and sink skirt.
First Nations - Animal Pelts/Human scalps (trapped , skinned and hand cured by FN herself)
Jungle Jane - Black Silk (of course)
Mutley - Power rangers Duvet set
Champ - A blanket knitted by his adoring army of female fans from his shed body hair.
MJ - something in sateen effect polyester..... with girly frills and matching throw cushions.
Daisy and Pinky probably have something classy in egyptian cotton.
Hitch i suspect is a good old fashioned sheet and blankets man

Wednesday, 14 November 2007



OK this recipe is for First Nations. Yes it looks like cat sick but it is lusciousness incarnate , Spicy hot , crunchy orgasm on your tongue. You can have it slapped on anything , cheese , meats , sandwiches . I love it on hot buttered toast.

Its that good .You wont know wether to eat it or spoon it down your skimpies............anyways here is a basic piccalilly recipe , For a Ma Beasty extra kick add finely chopped fiery red chillies to the veg.

Wet Brine

150g/5oz kitchen or sea salt

1.5 litres/2½ pints cold water


900 g/2lb mixed vegetables approximately(Basically any veg you can eat semi raw , whatever you got laying about green beans , carrot , cucumber celery , red and green peppers)

300g/10oz cauliflower florets

225g/8oz silverskin onions

175g/6oz gherkins

115g/4oz celeriac

115g/4oz green peppers

Spiced Vinegar

600ml/1 pint malt vinegar

1 tsp mixed pickling spices


25g/1oz plain flour

15ml/1tbsp English mustard powder, or to taste(use 2 :-) )

2 tbls sugar (optional : if you like a sweet sweet counterpoint)

7.5ml/½ tbsp turmeric, or to taste

2 x 5ml/2 tsp ground ginger, or to taste

3 tbsp malt vinegar

strained spiced vinegar

1. To make the wet brine - mix the salt with cold water in a large mixing bowl, allow plenty of space for the vegetables.

2. To make the vegetables - prepare the vegetables by cutting them into 1½ cm/½ inch pieces or even smaller. Make sure they are as regular in shape as possible.

3. Put into the wet brine and leave for 24 hours. Place a plate on top of the vegetables to make sure they are kept well under the liquid.

4. For the spiced vinegar - put the vinegar and spices into an aluminium or stainless steel saucepan, bring just to boiling point, lower the heat, cover the pan and simmer gently for 10-15 minutes; allow to cool. There will be less than 600ml/1 pint of vinegar but this will be correct for the sauce.

5. For the sauce - blend the flour, mustard powder, turmeric and ginger in a good sized basin, add the three tablespoons vinegar, stir to make a smooth paste. Gradually strain the spiced vinegar over the ingredients, make sure the mixture is smooth.

6. Pour into a large saucepan and stir over a low heat until as thick as required. It should be thick enough to coat the back of a wooden spoon without running off.

7. To complete the piccalilli - remove the vegetables from the brine, drain very well but in this case do not rinse in cold water as there is no salt in the sauce. Add to the thickened sauce. When this has reached simmering point simmer for one minute only, so the small pieces keep a good shape and texture.

8. To bottle - stir gently to ensure a good distribution of vegetables then spoon into hot sterilized jars and cover. Do not put metal tops directly over the pickle, for the vinegar would rust these. If using metal tops, line with thick cardboard.

Thursday, 8 November 2007


I love this time of year , the crisp air , the beautiful colours , falling leaves swirling in the breeze like snow and the satisfying crunchy walks thru the resulting leaf drifts. Bonfires , roaring log fires , roasted chestnuts and comfort food dinners . You just cant beat it.

However the spector of past autumnal childhood embarrasments hover on the periphery of the conciousness , howling for attention.When I was a kid , just started school for the autumn term Ma Beasty had a domestic goddess/earth mother fit and knitted me the most hidious mittens that were attached to a string and threaded thru the arms of my coat (so you dont lose them sweetie) and joy of joys a matching hat........ with a bobble on it.

They looked like they had been knitted from half digested muesli.

The hat made me look like my head had half melted.

It was tantamount to child abuse in my book...... and we have had words about it since. I mean why not just make your child walk around with a big sign on their back saying please bully this child . Luckily my older brother went to the same school and has always had the demenour of a hung over rotweiler with I escaped pretty lightly on the bullying front.

I did eventually persuade our pet German Shepperd Karla to eat the hat and bury the mittens.......I loved that dog :-).

Which leads me into that old chestnut Porn star names...... I think mine is pretty good , the formula being your first pets name and your mothers maiden name

So ladies and gentlemen may i present , the pnuematic and pouting Miss Karla Knobs.

Now fess up whats yours

Tuesday, 6 November 2007


Beasty is trying not to spend any money untill next pay day , as Beasty is broke. However the Evil God of Shopping keeps poking things thru my letterbox. Things that are so laden with special offers and must have coolness that one would think it would be hard to resist.
I was scornfully flicking thru a christmas gifts catalog the other day , taunting the Evil God with studied indifference to his glittery baubles and sleek black electronicals when I turned to a full page add which said
accompanied by a picture of a man in a darkened room with glowing ears , not fake glowing ears but his own glowing ears ..... yes glowing with an unearthly light.You could not see his face too well but his bearing screamed incredibly smug.My ears light up....I am Lord of all I survey. These fantastic bits of cutting edge ear light technology could be mine for only £9.95.
These were the coolest thing I have ever seen , I canvassed my lunch chums the next day and they agreed it was possibly The best Christmas gift EVER , and i scampered off home clutching money for 5 orders and the accolades of King of Christmas ringing in my ears , anticipating those expressions of wonder on Christmas morning as the lucky recipients opened their very own Ear lights.

Sadly , I had a recycling fit the night before , and threw the magazine away and would you believe it the bastards actualy emptied the recycling bin for once.I have scoured the internet to no avail . Dreams of Christmas illuminated ear fun have been dashed , everyone hates me
I am gutted :-(

Sunday, 4 November 2007


The title may sound like an evening out with Mr C and Frobisher , but I refer of course to Guy Fawkes Night or what is fast becoming Guy Fawkes Fortnight in the uk.

It is a celebration of the foiling of the infamous 'Gun Powder plot' a group of disgruntled catholics led by Mr Fawkes hell bent on blowing up good protestant king James and the houses of parliament . Mr Fawkes was caught , unfairly tried and then to add insult to injury hung drawn and quartered , who said protestants dont know how to have fun !. Mr Fawkes unseemly end is now celebrated annually on the 5th of November with Bonfires (with Mr Fawkes being burned in effigy) and fireworks.

I cant help remembering childhood Bonfire nights . We would all gather in Ma and Pa Beasties garden after dark , it was always cold with that autumn smell in the air .
We would then have about half an hour of rubbish fire works. Rockets that you had to stand in a milk bottle that just went whooooshhhhhhhh followed by a weedy phut , catherine wheels that span once then exploded , these crappy things with big fanciful names like The Mummies Tomb or Pandoras Box , when you lit them , you got a flame that changed colour if you where lucky , something that looked like a dog turd used to curl out the top and clouds of choking sulphorous smoke (could have been called MJ's Minge then HA HA HA....ahem) , ooooh and sparklers.
This was followed by lighting the bonfire with the 'Guy' made out of old clothes stuffed with newspaper on top.
Jacket potatoes , sausages hot from the oven , hot soup in big mugs and crusty warm bread were all dished out , while all the kids burnt stuff and messed with the bonfire.
If you have not poked a bonfire with a stick you have not lived .
When it was all burnt down and everyone was roasted on the front , frozen on the back and reeking of smoke we would all go in for hot cocoa in front of a roaring log fire with Bonfire cake (made with chocolate fingers so it looked like a bonfire geddit..... , with a guy made of licourice allsorts) and Pa Beasty used to tell us ghost stories by firelight before bed.
It was magical :-)

These days the fire works are bigger and flasher , bonfires are not allowed at public events due to European health and saftey laws..........and its just lost its magic.

Or maybe I grew up

What a drag

Wednesday, 31 October 2007


The champ has taken a break from righting wrongs , casting out the unbeliever and exhaling pure testosterone, to pass among us mere mortals.

The Beast has not been idle since his return , I have been rummaging in my wardrobe and you can see from the picture old Beasties months of gruelling excersise and diet have really paid off. OnceI climbed into the champs cast off lycra , As modest as I am I think the champ may have some competition.

There is always time for a few last minute adjustments to really put the icing on the cake. The Chest wig has been dusted off and back combed. I am now ready for much Star Treck related fun , hiaku competitions and an unholy battle for fight points.
The Beast is ready for all comers.
Three Cheers for the Champ......Hurrah

As I like to be prepared I am also putting the finishing touches to my Jungle Jane
Returns outfit.

I think I can give JJ a good run for her money as well......lets face it , I have bigger tits :-)

Tuesday, 30 October 2007


The best thing about this time of year , is the majestic sprout.

A versatile and tasty vegetable . Boil for 10 minutes and serve with a knob of butter and ground black pepper.....fantastic. Gone are the days when grandma Beasty would put the sprouts on to boil the day after halloween ready for xmas dinner , and produce a vile soggy kharki mush.They dont agree with everyones digestion and can produce voluminous amounts of cabbagey wind that cause hours of christmas afternoon fun as Granny farts the National Anthem during the traditional queens speech.

For safety sake always ensure you chew your sprouts well , and never on any account swallow them whole, as shattering great Aunt Bessies dentures with an unfortunate half digested , bottom burp driven , sprout projectile never goes down well

Sprouts have many other uses.

1.Thread on a string and have hours of family fun with a game of 'Sprouts' (just like conkers but with sprouts)

2.Super glue small sprouts around your anus and frighten people when you bend over in the showers at the gym with your comedy supturating haemaroids.

3.Jungle Jane tells me they they make excellent anal beads and double as healthy snack on those long commutes to work.

4.Orgasmic(err sorry organic) Love Eggs.....nuff said

5. Eco friendly jewellry - attractive and fragrant....yum yum

6.Keep an overcooked sprout in your hanky and amuse all you friends by pretending to sneeze and showing them your hanky we laughed.

These are just a few uses for the fun filled sprout .Please detail your sprout related shenanigans below.

Thursday, 25 October 2007


I have many exciting options to concider for the approaching weekend .

Mr Mutley has contacted me in feverish excitement , as he has arranged an internet blind date with 'Three fun loving sisters' ! .He cheerfully asked if I would like to come along to 'make up the numbers' , confiding that two would be enough for himself , and I could have the uggo.I fear Mr M has made a dreadful mistake as the 'sisters' have finally sent me the picture i requested , a far cry from the nympho triplets Mr M is expecting.So I may have to give this one a miss.

My next exciting option is protesting about something with Mr Gaskin. I havnt got a clue what it is , but feel free to pop over to Mr Gaskins Emporium as I am sure hes having a rant about it .Mr G has apparently made a nice banner for me , Saying COME ON PIGS IF YOU THINK YOUR HARD ENOUGH.......must have something to do with the euro pork mountain or some such. But apparently I will be in front of the march to draw the attention of the police....... well I never , recognised for my boyish good looks and natty dress sense at last

But after a busy week at work I may just plumb for a delicious take away from Miss Mu's fabulous Tex Mex/Polish/Beetroot /Chinese take away . I do feel the Bridport Hospital Sponsorship Message(Health Warning ???) on Miss Mu's take away menu is a mistake..... but the foxy chinese minx seems happy with it.

I could then settle down and get in touch with my femenine side.

Or Maybe not ! I will keep you posted if further offers flood in

Sunday, 21 October 2007


I have First Nations to thank for the title . The powers that be had closed the Beasts Gymnasium for three days of refurbishment.It was a perfectly good functional no frills gym.
I was less than impressed by the following 'improvements'
1.New carpets - it looks exactly the same as the old carpet but seems to have a very nasty chemical smell to it but I guess if the old one was wearing out.......
2.Artwork - well fuck me sideways , I thought I was there to train and sweat . Who has time for artwork ? its a fecking gym.
3.Mood lighting - some idjit has replaced some of the lights with coloured bulbs , making it dark and gloomy , I will now spend half my time wandering into bits of equipment and groping around in the gloaming . One wonders what mood they were going for, other than a bad one.
4.Sanitising Gel. It is now unacceptable to sweat apparently one is supposed to immediately rush to your nearest gel dispenser and wipe down every surface you may have sullied.The fact that you are now be in danger of sticking to or sliding off of the equipment has occurred to no one , but at least you wont encounter a germ of any stripe - god forbid. What is wrong with this ridiculous 'no risk' society , I would prefer to have a fully functioning immune system , you only get that if it is constantly challenged.
All the gyms and health clubs have been wooing the yummy mummy market (middle class bored brainless housewives) to keep the places full while everyone else is at work , unfortunately what follows is non sense like points 2 -4 , whatever next coordinated throw cushions on the bench press , Laura Ashley gym mats ????? .
Its a gym , not your front room , its supposed to be functional , cant you just carry on ruining the environment with your gas guzzling 4x4's and bringing up lazy ,illiterate,undisciplined over weight offspring

Thursday, 18 October 2007


A guest at Beast's 'Pancake Fest' has an attack of the vapours when faced with the evil smelling butchers block chopping board.

One of the kitchen angels that infest Beasts Kitchen weeps with embarrasment(bloody things , leave the door open for five minutes and they are everywhere flapping round the lights and crapping in the sink). Why oh why does the block smell it wails.

Its true my chopping board has developed a personal problem....... it smells like a turkish wrestlers jock strap , despite many a scrubbing with neat bleach.

One of you lot usually knows how to sort this stuff out.
Hurry up its social death in block form!

Tuesday, 16 October 2007


I dont want to gloat too much (well I do actually) .We stuffed the french in the Rugby World Cup..........Hurrah.
For our American chums Rugby is a bit like your American football , well a small bit , the difference being the same people stay on the pitch for the whole game and dont wear girly padding , and theres no advert breaks.
Oh and did I mention WE STUFFED THE FRENCH........and they cried , he he he

Now Nigella was up to her usual tricks last night. She was making chicken pot pies . After much foreplay with a frying pan we were approaching an all butter puff pastry climax . Nigella pnuematically heaved her magnificent bosom , licked her lips and breathed orgasmically at the camera 'Now lets crown these beauties'.

Poor Beast nearly choked on his vegetarian sausage dinner.! ! !
Hurrah for gastro porn.
Now the Beasts dream showdown would be Nigella gastronomically sticking it to the French , because as well as being misguided about their rugby prowess , they also arrogantly claim to be the best chefs in the world - Ha!!! Chitterlings and braised bollocks anyone ????

Saturday, 13 October 2007

W T F ?????

Last time I was at Ma Beasties , I was having a chuck out of some old boxes of stuff I had hanging around in the loft. While routing about I found Beasties Bizar Records Box.
Here is a selection of some of the horrors to be found within.

Klaus Nomi , sadly no longer with us, but a 24 carat freak. He looked like an anorexic , green haired humpty dumpty. His style of music can best be described as pavarotti with a head cold being chased roundstudio twenty one by someone wealding a weed whacker. If you havn't grooved to our Klauses rendition of The Twist havn't lived.

Next up is an old Beastbite favourite William Shatner.What can I say about this shocker other than it bodly goes etc etc.
The great capn's version of Lucy in the Sky with diamonds is certainly clarify made me want to cry.

Lastly I have selected the jewel in Beasties crown.
Our Babs , purveyor of crap romantic fiction , managed to curl this out(as in a turd) inbetween churning out her weekly novels. It beggars belief that she actually got the Royal Philarmonic to participate.She croaks her way thru a pantheon of standards , committing musical first degree murder at every turn.
Its foul and made Granny Beastie laugh so hard she blew her dentures into the sunday lunch trifle .Which got as both in terrible trouble with Ma Beasty.I miss Grany Beastie gawd bless her , a wickedly funny old lady.
I particularly love the artistic licence employed
in the sleeve picture , as the hideous old bat actually looked like this.............

Yum , Yum.

Now my lovelies what horrors have you lurking on shelves and in atticks ????

Thursday, 11 October 2007


The Beast is temporarily swamped with a mountain of work , bills and a general malaise.

Once the Beast has finished having an attack of the 'vapours' , he will return.

The Management at Beastbite would like to apologise for any inconvenience caused by its 'talent' having a tantrum and doing a 'Hitch flounce'.

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO

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