Thursday, 8 November 2007

AUTUMN



I love this time of year , the crisp air , the beautiful colours , falling leaves swirling in the breeze like snow and the satisfying crunchy walks thru the resulting leaf drifts. Bonfires , roaring log fires , roasted chestnuts and comfort food dinners . You just cant beat it.




However the spector of past autumnal childhood embarrasments hover on the periphery of the conciousness , howling for attention.When I was a kid , just started school for the autumn term Ma Beasty had a domestic goddess/earth mother fit and knitted me the most hidious mittens that were attached to a string and threaded thru the arms of my coat (so you dont lose them sweetie) and joy of joys a matching hat........ with a bobble on it.

They looked like they had been knitted from half digested muesli.

The hat made me look like my head had half melted.

It was tantamount to child abuse in my book...... and we have had words about it since. I mean why not just make your child walk around with a big sign on their back saying please bully this child . Luckily my older brother went to the same school and has always had the demenour of a hung over rotweiler with piles.......so I escaped pretty lightly on the bullying front.

I did eventually persuade our pet German Shepperd Karla to eat the hat and bury the mittens.......I loved that dog :-).

Which leads me into that old chestnut Porn star names...... I think mine is pretty good , the formula being your first pets name and your mothers maiden name

So ladies and gentlemen may i present , the pnuematic and pouting Miss Karla Knobs.

Now fess up whats yours

51 comments:

Lippy said...

Dandy Booth - always sounds more like a northern psychopath than a stripper!

BEAST said...

With a hint of Tranny :-)

Daisy said...

Lulu Richard here sweetie...btw...i told my mother years ago when she bought me a similar hat that it messed my hair and i would have to cut it short should i be forced to wear a hat (at the time my hair was down past my knees)...i have yet to wear a hat...but my sisters and poor little brother were not so lucky...

NATEMARE said...

George Asher. Sounds like a lawyer, not a porn star... but then again *ZAAAAAAAAP!!!! electric shocks to prevent me telling a lawyer joke around lippy*

MJ said...

Mittens attached to the hat by a string?

Perhaps she was trying to strangle you?

Lippy said...

nate darling - how nice to see you. Now really the cattle prod doesn't hurt anything like as much as you are telling the nice people it does.....

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Fuck me! You posted again! Are you feeling okay?

Mittens? You fucking poof. Does Ma Beasty realise she probably sent you down that bendy path to poofdom?

As for feeding the hat to the poor dog... Did it's shit come out like a string of brown pearls?

Gorilla Bananas said...

Ma Beasty must have had a deeper motive. Mittens stop you from biting your nails...or playing with your willy in an effective manner. Thank her for your good eyesight.

Frobisher said...

Pancho Baigent - I like it, I might keep it.

Pink Drama said...

sugar davis - doesn't really sound all that pornish to me, but then again, you are the expert on porn names...

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
Lulu Richard here sweetie...btw...i told my mother years ago when she bought me a similar hat that it messed my hair and i would have to cut it short should i be forced to wear a hat (at the time my hair was down past my knees)...i have yet to wear a hat...but my sisters and poor little brother were not so lucky...
Lulu is a good porn star name , You lucky bugger getting away with the hair thing , I doubt it would have worked with a determined Ma Beasty tho

BEAST said...

NATEMARE said...
George Asher. Sounds like a lawyer, not a porn star... but then again *ZAAAAAAAAP!!!! electric shocks to prevent me telling a lawyer joke around lippy*

Sounds like an accountant .....give him another 5000 volts Lippy

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Mittens attached to the hat by a string?

Perhaps she was trying to strangle you?


Mj you knobend , mittens attached to each other by a string , the hat is seperate

BEAST said...

Lippy said...
nate darling - how nice to see you. Now really the cattle prod doesn't hurt anything like as much as you are telling the nice people it does.....

Go on Lippy hurt him , hurt him bad

BEAST said...

Piggy and Tazzy said...
Fuck me! You posted again! Are you feeling okay?

Mittens? You fucking poof. Does Ma Beasty realise she probably sent you down that bendy path to poofdom?

As for feeding the hat to the poor dog... Did it's shit come out like a string of brown pearls?


Is Poofdom a town near Barnsley ????

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
Ma Beasty must have had a deeper motive. Mittens stop you from biting your nails...or playing with your willy in an effective manner. Thank her for your good eyesight.
Mr Bananas , Ma Beasty feels that one of the only benefits to parenthood is the 18 years of embarrasing your children while they are financially reliant on you........ and boy did she exploit that benefit

BEAST said...

Frobisher said...
Pancho Baigent - I like it, I might keep it.

Sounds like the sort of Porn star with a big greasy moustache Mr F

BEAST said...

Pink Drama said...
sugar davis - doesn't really sound all that pornish to me, but then again, you are the expert on porn names...

The first name sounds fairly pornish , but the surname lets you down :-(

livesbythewoods said...

Tabby Jones.

That's not a porn star, it's a Jane Austen sinster.

Gah.

livesbythewoods said...

See...so outraged I can't even spell.

sPinster.

Bollocks to it.

BEAST said...

LBTW , it actually sounds like a rather wholesome country and western singer

Daisy said...

okay...if no one else will admit it...i will...yes i did the same with the mittens that are connected to my son...okay are you happy...i tortured my son...and have pictures to prove it...

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
okay...if no one else will admit it...i will...yes i did the same with the mittens that are connected to my son...okay are you happy...i tortured my son...and have pictures to prove it...

Good for you Daisy , the little blighters probably deserve it for all those sleepless night , and full diapers

Mr Gaskins Curiosity Emporium said...

I watched graham norton last night - some guy wandered on stage in a knitted gimp mask and posing pouch.. all pure wool... oh dear... Mind you the young filly in the knitted kinky wear was raaaather nice...

My porn star name would be Rusty Mattingley - being a 'ginger' thats rather apt dontyathink?

FirstNations said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MJ said...

FN: K'wakwa w'kw?

Isn't that the sound of a cat vomiting up a furball?

FirstNations said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
FirstNations said...

Fifi Sixkiller.


...actually I made up the Sixkiller part, that's Cherokee.





Fifi Grant-K'wakwa'awa'kw.

getting hot yet?

anyone?

anyone?

BEAST said...

Mr Gaskins Curiosity Emporium said...
I watched graham norton last night - some guy wandered on stage in a knitted gimp mask and posing pouch.. all pure wool... oh dear... Mind you the young filly in the knitted kinky wear was raaaather nice...

My porn star name would be Rusty Mattingley - being a 'ginger' thats rather apt dontyathink?


The Mattingley is a bit of a mouthfull
Oh I say !
****Beast blushes and runs off***

BEAST said...

MJ said...
FN: K'wakwa w'kw?

Isn't that the sound of a cat vomiting up a furball?


MJ is speaking in tongues with someone who isnt here.......how odd

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
Fifi Sixkiller.


...actually I made up the Sixkiller part, that's Cherokee.





Fifi Grant-K'wakwa'awa'kw.

getting hot yet?

anyone?

anyone?

Oh there you are , MJ must be reading the tealeaves again and devined your comment before you wrote it..... you canttrust these wiley canadian witches.
Getting hot......the only thing overheating is my brian ...trying to pronounce Miss Fifi's surname

Rimshot said...

Cookie Linden (if the traditional method of finding your porn name is to be believed).

World Champ Stephen Neal said...

Why didn't your brother have a (matching) set?

oread the SSA said...

Jett Untinen.
Really, it sounds more like a Finish death metal guitarist than a pornstar. Which is still ok with me, I think.
I thought it was first pet's name, and the name of the street you grew up on...? Can I just be I.P. Freely, the mad showerer?

BEAST said...

Rimshot said...
Cookie Linden (if the traditional method of finding your porn name is to be believed).

Mr Rimshot , you are more than welcome to come up with a different way to reveal your inner porn star :-)

BEAST said...

World Champ Stephen Neal said...
Why didn't your brother have a (matching) set?

Champ , I was just 'Lucky' I guess , favourtism is sometimes a double edged sword

BEAST said...

oread the SSA said...
Jett Untinen.
Really, it sounds more like a Finish death metal guitarist than a pornstar. Which is still ok with me, I think.
I thought it was first pet's name, and the name of the street you grew up on...? Can I just be I.P. Freely, the mad showerer?


SSA , Maybe we dont all have an inner porn star , a Finnish Death Metal Guitarist may be your life guide and spirit mentor . At least its better than Miss Lippy's Phsycopathic Northern Tranny

The Hitch said...

Good lord Mr Beast
I to know the shame of mittens, although mine were normal rather than a bondage accessory.
No doubt you also felt the shame of a spit on hanky being used to wipe dirt of your face.
our mothers have a lot to answer for.

Daisy said...

hitch...speaking as a mother who used the spit on the hanky trick...nothing needs explaining...it is how you got the dates with the pretty girls and don't you ever forget it! if ma hitch would not have wiped your grubby face you would be in far worse condition than you have put yourself already...a little spit never hurt a child...only buffed them up so people could see the shining star beneath...perhaps ma hitch should try a little on you now and it may work wonders ;)

BEAST said...

The Hitch said...
Good lord Mr Beast
I to know the shame of mittens, although mine were normal rather than a bondage accessory.
No doubt you also felt the shame of a spit on hanky being used to wipe dirt of your face.
our mothers have a lot to answer for.

that and the changing on the beach with ya mother holding the towel in a force nine gale , insisting no one is looking in a voice that can be heard in Calais while the towel is flapping up round your ears and all your bits were on display....... I have gone red just thinking about it

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
hitch...speaking as a mother who used the spit on the hanky trick...nothing needs explaining...it is how you got the dates with the pretty girls and don't you ever forget it! if ma hitch would not have wiped your grubby face you would be in far worse condition than you have put yourself already...a little spit never hurt a child...only buffed them up so people could see the shining star beneath...perhaps ma hitch should try a little on you now and it may work wonders ;)

Daisy , you well know you girls love a slightly skanky bad boy...... I can almost hear the knicker elastic twanging from here :-)

Mr Gaskins Curiosity Emporium said...

Oread the SSA said something about first pet and the street you grew up on? In that case I'd be:
Rusty Willow Crescent West...
mmm... how about first then second pets names, I'd be Rusty Ruffles. No, hang on, the second pet was a guinea pig called Winne, the third one was Ruffles the dog... Oh god.. this is madness! madness I say!
Beast, my other half would be shocked...

Daisy said...

beast...bad boy, yes, always...skanky...no...i ran into a boy of 17 one time who had the worst odor about him...he used to boast that women love the natural scent...i asked if they ever wanted to do it in the shower...he said "yes, all the time"...i just stood there and smile...the realization on his face was enough

BEAST said...

Mr Gaskins Curiosity Emporium said...
Oread the SSA said something about first pet and the street you grew up on? In that case I'd be:
Rusty Willow Crescent West...
mmm... how about first then second pets names, I'd be Rusty Ruffles. No, hang on, the second pet was a guinea pig called Winne, the third one was Ruffles the dog... Oh god.. this is madness! madness I say!
Beast, my other half would be shocked...


Stop now Mr G ......stay away from the porn star name , madness beckons

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
beast...bad boy, yes, always...skanky...no...i ran into a boy of 17 one time who had the worst odor about him...he used to boast that women love the natural scent...i asked if they ever wanted to do it in the shower...he said "yes, all the time"...i just stood there and smile...the realization on his face was enough
In my defense I did say slightly skanky as opposed to stinking , altho think of the benefits , they would keep the flies off you lunch :-)

mutleythedog said...

If you are still interested it would be Velociraptor Jones... not so much a stripper as a death threat..

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
If you are still interested it would be Velociraptor Jones... not so much a stripper as a death threat..

Ah Mr Mutley , they have let you out then...... my my thats a bit of a name , we once had a goldfish called Halibut.....what type of pet was velociraptor ???

Pink Drama said...

beast, stop planning your next stalking adventure and post something new and informative. or at least smutty.

Mirel the Revolutionary said...

I hear that mutley the dog put "Undecided" under Sexuality for his latest pysch evaluation.

BEAST said...

Pink Drama said...
beast, stop planning your next stalking adventure and post something new and informative. or at least smutty.

Oh all right then

BEAST said...

Mirel the Revolutionary said...
I hear that mutley the dog put "Undecided" under Sexuality for his latest pysch evaluation.

Mirel , we are all undecided when it boils down to it :-)

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