Monday, 19 November 2007

WRATH OF THE GODS





As I floated down the office this morning , someone had laid out a tray of big juicy jam(jelly for our heathen American cousins) donuts . They were enticing me with their greasy sugary lovelyness , crooning their calorific siren song. So as no one was about , and to steal a march on all the other greedy bastards , I trousered one pretty sharpish and scuttled off to my desk. I then to my horror saw Eric and Natemare returning from the coffee shop so I had to unhinge my jaw and bolt the damn thing in one go. I thought my look of innocence would carry it off , but sadly my sugar and jam besplattered countenance were my undoing .


Natemare gave me a beady look and asked very loudly if I had just pinched a donut.


I could see my chance of a second 'public' donut slipping thru my fingers , I off course blustered and lied ,


How dare you......my body is a temple , blah , blah etc etc.


Eric spotting my obvious duplicity told me The Baby Jesus would know if I had lied .....AND WOULD MAKE ME PAY.


Piffle I thought. and sauntered off all fake wounded innocence to our new smoking shelter. Conveniently situated up a steep slope 200 yards from the building.


No sooner had I got there , than the sky blackened , fork lightening started to sizzle all around , and belicose rumbles of thunder reverberated in the air. Within a minute the most amazingly violent hail storm battered our little smokers wendy house . Beast cowering at the communal ashtray begging forgiveness , and promising to sacrifice the fat girl in the corner who had obviously been pinching more donuts than me.


With a parting shot of ' Your donut snaffling days are over Lardass.....Repent or boil in you own body fat' I skidded off down the ice packed slope , battered by the the boiling tempest all the way.


I now repent and on Frobishers life will never tell another donut related lie again (dont make any long term plans Mr F :-) )

79 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

You've got no self-control, Beast. Didn't you eat breakfast? Your penance is to snog the fat girl rather than sacrificing her.

FirstNations said...

depends on what flavor the fat girl is, i reckon.

meanwhile, appease the rampaging mr.C with the remaining nuts of dough and tell him to be a good C. if he is, auntie Nations will buy him a nice virtual anaconda and a years supply of virtual pinkie mice to feed it with!

and an industrial wood chipper!

and a gallon of gasoline and some road flares!!

Daisy said...

beast...my dearest...it is so much easier to just eat the damn donut in front of god and everyone right there...nothing will help you diet more than eating what you don't want people to see you eating in a public forum...
btw...donuts are not evil...just the people who make them...

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
You've got no self-control, Beast. Didn't you eat breakfast? Your penance is to snog the fat girl rather than sacrificing her.
Mr Bananas , there are times for self control , donuts are not one of them likewise there are times for snogging fat girls and other circumstances that require an evolutionary survival of the fitest strategy. The Baby jesus was demanding his pound of donut saturated flesh and the fat lass wasnt fast enough :-)

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
depends on what flavor the fat girl is, i reckon.
donut and chocolate bar flavour I would imagine , by the look of her she had never been troubled with a health filled salad

meanwhile, appease the rampaging mr.C with the remaining nuts of dough and tell him to be a good C. if he is, auntie Nations will buy him a nice virtual anaconda and a years supply of virtual pinkie mice to feed it with!

and an industrial wood chipper!

and a gallon of gasoline and some road flares!!

Mr C has been quiet thus far this posting , too busy spamming Frobisher's blog I should imagine

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
beast...my dearest...it is so much easier to just eat the damn donut in front of god and everyone right there...nothing will help you diet more than eating what you don't want people to see you eating in a public forum...
btw...donuts are not evil...just the people who make them...

diasy your right , however there are those in the office who watch these things (they are the ones who insist when you go out for a meal that you only order 4 main course between 6 people 'and all just pick' ) . The Beast has no truck with this sort of puritan behaviour. So if I can snaffle a donut or cake or two in advance , I can slip under the radar. Eric and Natemare were just miffed becuase I got there first , and so called down the wrath of the Baby Jesus upon me.
We all know what a vengeful little blighter the Baby Jesus of Bucharest is as Miss First Nations has posted on it many times

Mental Mac said...

I think what probably gave you away (unless your dining habits have improved) was jam smeared accross your face and down you tie and a light dusting of sugar in your eyebrows.

Daisy said...

it is odd that your workmates have nothing better to do than watch your eating habits...glazed donuts my friend...don't leave a trace ;)

as far as the baby jesus...wasn't he the same one who fed hundreds? i think they called upon a more sinister bloke to hex you...if you would like assistance, hitch refers to me as a witch and i will see what i can conjur (outside of lottery numbers)

NATEMARE said...
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NATEMARE said...
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MJ said...

Canada is the donut capital of the world.

The temptations would overcome you.

There is one street corner in Hamilton, Ontario with 4 different donut shops on every corner.

BEAST said...

How Dare you Natemare........ thats you banned for 3 days for daring to question the Fascist State of Beastbites take on reality......let that be a lesson to you

BEAST said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BEAST said...

MJ they have got to be jam donuts nothing else will do , those horrible tarted up things they sell in dunkin donuts with silly coloured icing and sprinkles and stuff are an abomination
Harumph

NATEMARE said...

You're going to delete me?

Fine!

Spam message coming up.

NATEMARE said...

BEAST SUCKS

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BEAST SUCKS

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BEAST SUCKS

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BEAST SUCKS

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BEAST SUCKS

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BEAST SUCKS

BEAST said...

Natemare is attention seeking.....just ignore him

Anonymous said...

ISNT IT A SHAME THE LIGHTNING DIDT STRIKE YOU... YOUR WORK FRIENDS ALL 2 OF THEM COULD OF HAD AN HOG ROAST.....

APPLE SAUCE ANYONE.. OINK OINK..

Anonymous said...

Hey fn... :-) xxxxxxxx

BEAST said...

How dare you Mr C , other great writers like that uggo Salmon Rostie (or whatever his name is) dont have to put up with this shite
*****storms off in huff****

Piggy and Tazzy said...

You? Floated?

*pisses self laughing*

What were you attached to? An airship?

Lippy said...

Sorry but how can you like doughnuts? Fried and Sugar is just so wrong in so many ways!

If doughnuts were the last available food on the planet I would die!

FirstNations said...

Mr. C: muchas smooches super secret loverboy!!!!! lets get together and vandalize something REAL SOON.

beast: Canada is indeed the home of the gourmet doughnut. The patron saint of doughnuts, Timothy Horton, has decreed it be thus, and thus it is. All hail his chocolate walnut bars glazed with goodness! All hail his sour cream old fashioneds, made with love, sprinkled with the innocent blood of the domestic glucose! His crullers are legion!

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Lippy - If Beastliness continues to eat them in the quantities he does, he'll die too.

Either that, or his legs will crush under the strain. They're almost at that point already, according to that nasty gossip-queen, Frobi.

UBERMOUTH said...

Great post. Except now I crave a donut.

World Champ Stephen Neal said...

Thanks for the translation. We Americans have always been a rowdy bunch of rustics.

BEAST said...

Lippy.....you know you want one , all that sugary , Jammy , greasy lovliness :-)

Miss FN , as long as its not my car you vandalise AGAIN.
There is no such thing as a gourmet donut , thats just continental shenanigans , THE only donut worth its salt is the one pictured on this post.

Piggy and Tazzy , The gym honed , solid slab of manmeat that is the Beast makes Frobisher very bitter

Ubermouth....Thank you , go and get one :-)

Champ , rustic is not the word I would use , as a nation you have wandered from the true path on certain issues . Donuts being the most important.

BEAST said...

Mentalmac.....I have perfect table manners , if you ignore the belching and igniting farts.

Daisy sorry I missed you aerlier comment when Natemare and Mr C started having a fit. Some of my workmates are work shy scoundrels whose sole purpose in life is to try and tether us free spirits

Casdok said...

Lol!!!

World Champ Stephen Neal said...

You forget we created krispy kreme...

BEAST said...

Casdok. Welcome , ignore the regulars....they only come in to huddle together in the warm.

Champ . We were being quite successful in skirting round the horror that is Krispy Kreme.

mutleythedog said...

I have worked making jam filled donuts its rather amusing ... did you ever see those machine in seaside towns which make ring donuts whilst you watch with a kind of conveyor belt thing?

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
I have worked making jam filled donuts its rather amusing ... did you ever see those machine in seaside towns which make ring donuts whilst you watch with a kind of conveyor belt thing?
those machines are top , and the smell of frying donuts or candy floss is just sooooooooo good. I have never been a rock fan tho

mutleythedog said...

There was one at a seaside town I used to go with my parents as a child amazingly I returned years later and it was still there - must be at least 30 years old!! The smell was brilliant and in one moment I was 8 again.. wonderful, it brought tears to my eyes..

Anonymous said...

Top.. are you trying to sound cool ditch water boy.. i wasnt one for rock... lol lets face it pig boy you would eat any thing...

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
There was one at a seaside town I used to go with my parents as a child amazingly I returned years later and it was still there - must be at least 30 years old!! The smell was brilliant and in one moment I was 8 again.. wonderful, it brought tears to my eyes..

Its just one of those smells that immediatley transports you back...... I havnt progressed much since 8

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
Top.. are you trying to sound cool ditch water boy.. i wasnt one for rock... lol lets face it pig boy you would eat any thing...
Blow it out your arse Kate Moss....shall we compare waist sizes

Anonymous said...

Bette still shall we compare youthful good looks compared too your wrinkled old face with those piggy eyes.... :)

Anonymous said...

GOD THATS SOUNDS AWFUL OOPS :-)

Frobisher said...

Who is Bette?

BEAST said...

MR C .....everyone knows I have lovely baby blue eyes , of which you are insanely jealous.

Frobisher......who knows , some old trollop no doubt

BEAST said...

MR C .....everyone knows I have lovely baby blue eyes , of which you are insanely jealous.

Frobisher......who knows , some old trollop no doubt

Anonymous said...

Everyone down at studland bay yes dear.. they dont call you babe for nothing .. oink oink

frobisher.. BETTER

World Champ Stephen Neal said...

I've also made cream-filled donuts...

BEAST said...

Mr C as you well know I am banned from studland bay , for frightening the tourists

Champ...... we would expect nothing less

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