Monday, 19 December 2011

Monday, 26 September 2011

Monday, 8 August 2011


To make some sense of this terrible tale , we have to start at the very begining and delve into the psych of a damaged woman .
Born Scarlet Blue Vantitty to a migrant farming family in Darkest Devon .The beautiful young Miss Scarlet soon showed her star quality , tap dancing , singing and juggling cowpats at Devon County fairs.

 After  a short few years of fame her star began to fade when television was finally introduced to Devon in 2010 .
A star struck Miss Scarlet then embarked an an increasingly desperate quest for  celebrity and adoration in the far flung reaches of Dorset .
Her crtically acclaimed ventriloquist act failed to bring in the punters and was soon forced to close

Following this disapiontment Scarlet tried a  comedy double act with Canadian Exotic Dancer Miss MJ. Called Tits n Teeth . All went well for a while, but  after 6 months of an English diet  Miss MJ's flatulence and a carlessly discarded cigarette caused  an incident on Weston Supermare Pier and the show was closed on Health and Saftey grounds (oh and the minor fact that the  Pier and Theatre burnt down)

An increasingly desperate Miss Scarlet finally agreed to a disasterous gig supporting Frobisher , as Mavis Boils glamourous assistant for the Knobs and Knockers comeback tour .

Altho this last ditch attempt at stardom had failed , and Miss Scarlet vowed never to speak to the ghastly Mavis again , she had found a place(The Fabulous Cafe C) where she would  be given a warm welcome and treated as a star.
Miss Scarlet was always personally greeted by proprietor Mr C and whisked with great ceremony to the VIP area , where she would be plied with Champagne and Cocktails  .
It was in the early hours of such an evening that Miss Scarlets tale begins

Following these terrible events . Miss Scarlet was banned for life from Cafe C by an enraged Mr C . His cherished Golden Pussy smashed to a million pieces and  not to mention that his long suffering kitchen bitch was mullered and horror of horrors he may have to do the washing up himself.
The heavy burden of guilt and over consumption of hobnobbs finally took its toll as a frankly deranged Miss Scarlet , wheeled a fading Beast to Lyme Regis beach and our final sorry scene plays itself out

Beast sensing the end was near , finally, sensationally spilled the beans on the true events of that disastorous evening .
On the fateful night Miss Scarlet had imbibed a little too freely from the magic shot bottle that Mr C was brandishing with his usual abandon .Eventually as dawn broke Beast was ordered to stop malingering at his sink and drive a 'tired and emotional' Miss Scarlet to her sumptuos manor house (obviouslyCow pat juggling can be VERY profitable....who knew!).
Miss Scarlet in her addled state thought it highly amusing to kidnap one of Mr C's golden pussies and imperiously insisted Beasty complied .
On arrival at Vantitty Manor it was Mr BEASTY that was was Mr BEASTY that dropped and shattered the Golden Pussy and it was Mr BEASTY that sustained a rather pathetic sprained wrist by tripping over one of Miss Scarlets Gnome collection and landing in an ungainly heap in front of the car.
It was at this point a dazed Miss Scarlet came round and rationalised her ridiculous fantasy from the remnants of her drink addled memory , super glued a concussed Beast to a wheelchair and so doomed herself to a downward spiral of  festering guilt , thwarted ambition , Dandelion and burdock abuse and brings us finally to this sorry spectacle on the beach.
following these fateful revalations a shocked Miss Scarlet reels back , bosom heaving and eyes spinning as the final horror of the years wasted on misplaced guilt and social death , and collapses sobbing to the sand .
Beast croaks a final 'Think well of me Miss Scarlet and make sure the love mitten goes to a good home' and quietly slips away .
As  a babbling Miss Scarlet is gently led away by the attendant from the Infomaniac Home for the Permanently Bewildered for  years of painful tap dance  and mime therapy,  No one notices a supposedly expired  Beast leap up from the sand and sprint for the number 57 bus departing for Bridport and all points west .
Two weeks later as the whole sordid story hits the press (The Dorset Echo) a furious Mr C is seen combing the local towns for signs of the duplicitious Beast , carrying a box containing 5,476 bits of shattered golden pussy and a large tube of super glue. He has vowed to hunt Beast down and make him stick every damn piece of the beloved feline into its correct and propper place.
As the sun set over Swanage sewerage  works ,  Mr C raises his head and howls at the rising moon .            

Thursday, 5 May 2011


A hinous crime has been committed at The Beasts Lair .
Remember this

The FGES were left, gently airing on the clothes line to remove the fecund aroma of colonials   that even a boil wash and spirited scrubbing would not remove.
I returned from a hard day at work , to be confronted with this

If I were a Cluedo playing man (Which I am not as its a tedious load of old knackers) I would be guessing at
Miss Scarlet
In the Garden
With a clothes peg.

The thieving baggage has had it away with the sainted shorts and fingered an innocent into the bargain.
I blame the influence of Miss MJ  !

Tuesday, 26 April 2011


You may be wondering what has kept our hero Beast away for so long.
Work my friends and lashings of it , peppered with calamitous events that would try the patients of a saint.

It all started when an exhausted Beast , just finishing cleaning the restaurant , kitchens , toilets and garden following a particularly drunken party , judging by the sticky floors and array of disgarded clothing (peculiarly there was a singular , rather expensive stiletto shoe hanging from a bush in the garden which has yet to be claimed). Suddenly the Beasts mobile telophonic device pinged urgently . It was Mr C ringing from his penthouse master suite , ordering Beast to feed his assortment of paraqueets and chickens in the outside aviary. Sadly during this delicate operation the Beast failed to secure the door correctly and the feathered fiends escaped.
There ensued terrible harangue number one.
The Beast was then instructed to move Mr C's beloved Golden Pussy to its correct position guarding the exit to the lavs. During this procedure the whole fecking front leg fell off.
There ensued terrible harangue number two .Accusations of senility , ham fisted blundering and pure unadultorated idiocy where mentioned .

The following weekend the Beast turned up on the Friday evening to be informed I needed to compile a menu for an authentic luxury spanish Tapas Buffet for 40 people the next night , and following my performance last week  it had better be good.
On enquiring as to what the Cafe C professional chef had come up with , I was told he had firstly had an asthma attack , followed by an attack of the vapours and then sobbed pitifully . Mr C had taken an executive decision that it was The Beasts problem and sauntered off for a celebratory drink (with adoring entourage).
On Mr C's  unsteady return , I stomped downstairs brandishing my impromptu menu for perusal and approval of a somewhat boisterous and cantankerous Mr C . It didnt start well when Mr C shouted 'Oh god I feel a NO FUN ZONE approaching as he downed another shot and wobbled alarmingly on his bar stool.
It is at this point I would like to offer a bit of advice .
Do Not,  under any circumstances try to explain your Tapas Menu to a group of pissed people.
 The sniggering was bad enough when we got to the succulent pork balls  but was nothing to the general guffawing  and catcalls that ensued with the classic Sausage In Cider (Just say it out loud) .This was when I gave up and retired to my kitchen , muttering dark oaths and cursing the day Mr C was expelled into this life .
The next day went by in a maelstrom of post party clean up and kitchen bitchery . It was only when I had calmed a  gibbering  chef with encouraging words and pints of  sweet tea , planned out the buffet preparation schedule and set the chef making a rice salad (The catering equivalent of basket weaving) , I popped up to check timings and stuff with Mr C . Only to be informed I had another buffet for twenty the next day (Sunday) .
 I hope your going to be up early ????  I ventured somewhat alarmed .
Oh yes we will be up nice and early said Mr C and finished off with something muttered .
Being a veteran of conversations with Mr C , I realise the muttered ending was by far the more important part of the sentence and demanded to know what it was . After much weedling and shouting I winkled it out of the devil.
The muttered part was " becuase we are flying out to Barcelona at 7 am"
Fuck Fuck Fuck FUCK ....... a buffet to get through tonight with a chef on the edge of a nervous breakdown
Another buffet tomorrow after cleaning the whole place following tonights festivities , followed by a second clean up, and  no doubt looking after the dogs for a week as well .
Mr C was only saved from a cataclysmic explosion by the arrival of that nights entertainment. The (geriatric) Flamenco Dancers.I am not sure wether the rattlings and clackings where casternets or their false teeth and joints . In the event Mr C had been handing out the free shots , so I dont think anyone much cared .
Therefore my lovelys its been a busy few weeks

Oh and guess what arrived
Oh yes , ITS THE FGES . Hurrah !
 they have been disinfected and the gusset has been scrubbed .
More of them anon

Thursday, 31 March 2011


Well ! the flipping bare faced cheek of you all . You can blame the brain warping effect of the Extreme Super Moon if you wish , but the Beast recognised sheer Laziness when he sees it .
Nearly everyone dragged themselves away from scratching their nether regions or picking their noses and sent me their Tin Foil Hat entries.......most of which they had already used for Mr IVD's compo nearly a year ago.
Shame on all of you
There fore I have two winners
The Lovely Princess who entered the sole original entry
Congratulations your royal highnessness and thank you.
The second prize is for honesty and gold plated fur lined ocean going laziness .
Miss Scarlet wins  for mailing me that she couldnt be arsed to make a hat , but could manage a cup of tea.......and even had the brass neck to send me a picture of the cuppa  (Which I lost in a fit of hotmail related sausage fingeredness).
Congrats to our winners who will both win an exclusive Cafe Jagos Drunk and Gorgeous  Tshirt *.
Please mail size and addresses
*Nothing is ever straight forward , we have to wait for our Cafe C couturier to fix their diamante machine.Oh yes it has diamante.

To the rest of you  . Sloth is one of the seaven deadly sins
and this is a sloth
which is something entirely different.
But your all doomed
So there!

Update . As XL has been un doomed and is not AS lazy as the rest of you . Here is his hat
The rest of you are still doomed

Tuesday, 15 March 2011


Now this is not the one of your colonial blogs and we dont expect to see this sort of thing on Beastbite.
We are discussing this
More specifically the approaching Extreme Super Moon (or Lunar Perigee-syzygy for the more atronomically minded) On the 19th of March the Sun Moon and Earth will be in direct alignment .The moon will be the closest its been to the earth for 19 years at roughly 221,000 miles(for those who use a holy measure) and 356,000 km for the heathen scum .
Some claim this will lead to increased volcanic and earthquake activity during the 'cataclysmic window' which starts this wednesday for a week . Lets hope these moaning minies are wrong .
Miss Scarlet Others claim the additional gravitational pull warp their brains
Just to be on the safe side I think that old favourite The Tin Foil Hat Competition may be in order

There fore boys and girls , anyone who wishes to send me a picture of their tin foil confections will have them published forthwith.

If you meet anyone in the next week who claims to be able to pick up the BBC Home Service on their anal beads , just smile sweetly  and maintain firmly that you believe radio waves to be the work of the devil .Just put it down to gravitational warping and stress (Or you may have just met IVD)

Anyway we digress  .Stay safe and well my proud young beauties.

Thursday, 3 March 2011


Lets face it , political correctness aside , its true isnt it .
Have you ever seen them trying to use the self service tills at the supermarket . Jeezus a trained chimp would be quicker and less confused.....just saying
And dont get me started on map reading

Meanwhile somewhere in the colonies


Monday, 28 February 2011


MJ ???

Monday, 21 February 2011


There are times when a health filled salad or a virtuous repast of steamed chicken with a whisper of broccoli are just not enough.
What the Beast craved is what the marketing gurus would have you believe is prime minced fillet steak lovingly prepared in a silky onion gravy ,encased in a feather light pastry rolled on the thighs of nubile young virgins , complemented with a curative portion of golden fried pomme de terre..... the reality is a flaccid leaden crust encasing a turgid dollop of minced lips , arse and eyelids slapped on a limp pile of lard soaked spuds

Do you know what
Fuck the clamouring hordes of holier than thou vegetarians ,organic oddballs and health food nazis
It was good , I mean really flipping good.
What my lovelys is your guilty food secret ???

Posted using BlogPress from my Ifad :-)

Wednesday, 9 February 2011


You may be wondering what exactly poor Beast has to put up with every weekend slaving in the bowels of Cafe C.
I was toying with the idea of demonstrating my weekend in the form of interprative dance , sadly my leotard is in the wash.Therefore you will have to put up with .
A weekend at Cafe C in a wacky collage of images.

The day starts like this

There is plenty of this

Then there is some of this
followed by

And what you may ask is Mr C doing while all this is going on

There is often more of this to get all the things Mr C forgot to tell me about the first time

There is often some of this

And what you may ask is all this for.

Well . for this
Oh yes..... and this

Generally it ends like this

And so we start again

100 million years of evolution
and it comes down to this

Tuesday, 1 February 2011


Another week rushes by .
 The Beast was promised Saturday Evening and a whole Sunday off(The first day off for about 5 months ). Sadly that vapourised before my eyes on Saturday afternoon.I was gutted :-(
Following a sunday of manhandling speaker stacks , furniture and Mr C's golden pussies , we set off to deliver James and the girls to Taunton bus station for their connection to the North Devon Coast.
Would you flipping believe it we missed the fecker and had to drive all the way there (another 40 minutes each way) .
Jamesd kindly invited us in for a cuppa before the return leg. On entering the kitchen , James's Ma peered at me and said
'Have we met???'
They all chorused 'Yes its Beast'
She peered at me again and said off course it was , it must be all THAT WEIGHT I HAD GAINED that caused her to not reconise me
WTF ?????

***General hilarity from James , the girls and Mr C***

She then made tea and proffered a plate of biscuits....adding quite unecesarilly in my opinion as she pointedly glared at me , that the garibaldi's where the lighter option

WTF 2 ????

***More general hilarity from the gathered throng***

I then had to put up with Mr C sniggering in a very irritating manner all the way back to Dorchester.

However there is some good news . Mr Coppens has finally packaged up the Freakin Green Elf Shorts and they will shortly be winging their way accross the Atlantic .
I now just have to keep them out of the grip of Miss MJ's Sphincter and all will be well.
That doesnt sound right does it ?
Miss Scarlet will no doubt be loitering outside Cafe C trying to waylay the postman .
She loiters in vain dear reader as wisely the shorts are being delivered to a secret location somewhere in Dorset

Monday, 24 January 2011


Mr C's latest obsession is swimming , so as you can imagine the Beast is regularly frog marched to the local spa and forced in the pool , all the time listening to Mr C waffling on about being a babe magnet as EVERYONE is looking at him in his swimming togs .
This could of course be because he is a babe magnet (Miss Scarlet was certainly smitten or that may have been the bubbly)
Equally it could be the somewhat snug fit
It may be that from the rear it looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
I , of course could not posibly comment
In other news a sun bronzed Frobisher has  returned from Tenerife and rushed straight back on stage to perform that Mavis and his whirling balls Magic
There have been plenty of parties
There have been a few scraps and flounces
The Beast washed the vacuum cleaner
And that my lovelies is that :-)

Saturday, 8 January 2011


This evening  I staggered off into the freezing night , begrimed with sweet chillie chicken and reeking of chip fat , wanting nothing more than a hot shower , a calming mug of ovaltine and surrender to the sweet embrace of my fragrant duvet .
However I was shocked to the core on finding the following item jauntilly flapping in the frigid breeze from my car roof ariel.
What can this mean!!!
I opened the car door with a cloth in case some drooling pervert had been licking the door handles  and locked the doors pretty quick.
Can the Beast expect more 'tokens' ????
Will a boil wash fade the pattern???
Are they the right size ?????
If they are the right size that even more worrying ??????

Saturday, 1 January 2011


As the doors were flung open for the celebrated Cafe C New Year's Party we were all rather suprised by the attention grabbing entry of a very special guest .

Oh yes it was our very own Miss Scarlet , exclaiming breathlessly
 Golly ! all this fuss , I was aiming for Incognito as she casually flung her feather boa over a fuming Mavis and was whisked to Mr C's private table to be plied with Champagne . I off course was immediatley ordered to the kitchen to supply a selection of  tempting treats in case Miss Scarlet should feel a mite peckish .
At this point I shall draw a veil over the evenings festivities
Wild Rumours of rampant transvestism , frenzied belly dancing , maruading lesbians , carousing and drunken singing abound .
I could not possibly confirm or deny

What happens in Cafe C. Stays in Cafe C.

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Heres wishing you all a prosperous , healthy and happy 2011 and thank all my blogging chums for their continuing support .

About Me

My photo
Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO

Blog Archive