Remember my lovelies The Truth is Out There!
Sunday, 8 January 2012
A RARE SIGHTING ????
Remember my lovelies The Truth is Out There!
Monday, 19 December 2011
Monday, 26 September 2011
Monday, 8 August 2011
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY SCARLET .....THE AWEFUL TRUTH
To make some sense of this terrible tale , we have to start at the very begining and delve into the psych of a damaged woman .
Born Scarlet Blue Vantitty to a migrant farming family in Darkest Devon .The beautiful young Miss Scarlet soon showed her star quality , tap dancing , singing and juggling cowpats at Devon County fairs.
After a short few years of fame her star began to fade when television was finally introduced to Devon in 2010 .
A star struck Miss Scarlet then embarked an an increasingly desperate quest for celebrity and adoration in the far flung reaches of Dorset .
Her crtically acclaimed ventriloquist act failed to bring in the punters and was soon forced to close
Following this disapiontment Scarlet tried a comedy double act with Canadian Exotic Dancer Miss MJ. Called Tits n Teeth . All went well for a while, but after 6 months of an English diet Miss MJ's flatulence and a carlessly discarded cigarette caused an incident on Weston Supermare Pier and the show was closed on Health and Saftey grounds (oh and the minor fact that the Pier and Theatre burnt down)
Altho this last ditch attempt at stardom had failed , and Miss Scarlet vowed never to speak to the ghastly Mavis again , she had found a place(The Fabulous Cafe C) where she would be given a warm welcome and treated as a star.
Miss Scarlet was always personally greeted by proprietor Mr C and whisked with great ceremony to the VIP area , where she would be plied with Champagne and Cocktails .
It was in the early hours of such an evening that Miss Scarlets tale begins
http://scarlet-blue.blogspot.com/2011/08/shriek.html
Beast sensing the end was near , finally, sensationally spilled the beans on the true events of that disastorous evening .
On the fateful night Miss Scarlet had imbibed a little too freely from the magic shot bottle that Mr C was brandishing with his usual abandon .Eventually as dawn broke Beast was ordered to stop malingering at his sink and drive a 'tired and emotional' Miss Scarlet to her sumptuos manor house (obviouslyCow pat juggling can be VERY profitable....who knew!).
Miss Scarlet in her addled state thought it highly amusing to kidnap one of Mr C's golden pussies and imperiously insisted Beasty complied .
On arrival at Vantitty Manor it was Mr BEASTY that was driving......it was Mr BEASTY that dropped and shattered the Golden Pussy and it was Mr BEASTY that sustained a rather pathetic sprained wrist by tripping over one of Miss Scarlets Gnome collection and landing in an ungainly heap in front of the car.
It was at this point a dazed Miss Scarlet came round and rationalised her ridiculous fantasy from the remnants of her drink addled memory , super glued a concussed Beast to a wheelchair and so doomed herself to a downward spiral of festering guilt , thwarted ambition , Dandelion and burdock abuse and brings us finally to this sorry spectacle on the beach.
following these fateful revalations a shocked Miss Scarlet reels back , bosom heaving and eyes spinning as the final horror of the years wasted on misplaced guilt and social death , and collapses sobbing to the sand .
Beast croaks a final 'Think well of me Miss Scarlet and make sure the love mitten goes to a good home' and quietly slips away .
*****
epilogue.
As a babbling Miss Scarlet is gently led away by the attendant from the Infomaniac Home for the Permanently Bewildered for years of painful tap dance and mime therapy, No one notices a supposedly expired Beast leap up from the sand and sprint for the number 57 bus departing for Bridport and all points west .
Two weeks later as the whole sordid story hits the press (The Dorset Echo) a furious Mr C is seen combing the local towns for signs of the duplicitious Beast , carrying a box containing 5,476 bits of shattered golden pussy and a large tube of super glue. He has vowed to hunt Beast down and make him stick every damn piece of the beloved feline into its correct and propper place.
As the sun set over Swanage sewerage works , Mr C raises his head and howls at the rising moon .
****
Born Scarlet Blue Vantitty to a migrant farming family in Darkest Devon .The beautiful young Miss Scarlet soon showed her star quality , tap dancing , singing and juggling cowpats at Devon County fairs.
After a short few years of fame her star began to fade when television was finally introduced to Devon in 2010 .
A star struck Miss Scarlet then embarked an an increasingly desperate quest for celebrity and adoration in the far flung reaches of Dorset .
Her crtically acclaimed ventriloquist act failed to bring in the punters and was soon forced to close
Following this disapiontment Scarlet tried a comedy double act with Canadian Exotic Dancer Miss MJ. Called Tits n Teeth . All went well for a while, but after 6 months of an English diet Miss MJ's flatulence and a carlessly discarded cigarette caused an incident on Weston Supermare Pier and the show was closed on Health and Saftey grounds (oh and the minor fact that the Pier and Theatre burnt down)
An increasingly desperate Miss Scarlet finally agreed to a disasterous gig supporting Frobisher , as Mavis Boils glamourous assistant for the Knobs and Knockers comeback tour .
Altho this last ditch attempt at stardom had failed , and Miss Scarlet vowed never to speak to the ghastly Mavis again , she had found a place(The Fabulous Cafe C) where she would be given a warm welcome and treated as a star.
Miss Scarlet was always personally greeted by proprietor Mr C and whisked with great ceremony to the VIP area , where she would be plied with Champagne and Cocktails .
It was in the early hours of such an evening that Miss Scarlets tale begins
http://scarlet-blue.blogspot.com/2011/08/shriek.html
Following these terrible events . Miss Scarlet was banned for life from Cafe C by an enraged Mr C . His cherished Golden Pussy smashed to a million pieces and not to mention that his long suffering kitchen bitch was mullered and horror of horrors he may have to do the washing up himself.
The heavy burden of guilt and over consumption of hobnobbs finally took its toll as a frankly deranged Miss Scarlet , wheeled a fading Beast to Lyme Regis beach and our final sorry scene plays itself out
Beast sensing the end was near , finally, sensationally spilled the beans on the true events of that disastorous evening .
On the fateful night Miss Scarlet had imbibed a little too freely from the magic shot bottle that Mr C was brandishing with his usual abandon .Eventually as dawn broke Beast was ordered to stop malingering at his sink and drive a 'tired and emotional' Miss Scarlet to her sumptuos manor house (obviouslyCow pat juggling can be VERY profitable....who knew!).
Miss Scarlet in her addled state thought it highly amusing to kidnap one of Mr C's golden pussies and imperiously insisted Beasty complied .
On arrival at Vantitty Manor it was Mr BEASTY that was driving......it was Mr BEASTY that dropped and shattered the Golden Pussy and it was Mr BEASTY that sustained a rather pathetic sprained wrist by tripping over one of Miss Scarlets Gnome collection and landing in an ungainly heap in front of the car.
It was at this point a dazed Miss Scarlet came round and rationalised her ridiculous fantasy from the remnants of her drink addled memory , super glued a concussed Beast to a wheelchair and so doomed herself to a downward spiral of festering guilt , thwarted ambition , Dandelion and burdock abuse and brings us finally to this sorry spectacle on the beach.
following these fateful revalations a shocked Miss Scarlet reels back , bosom heaving and eyes spinning as the final horror of the years wasted on misplaced guilt and social death , and collapses sobbing to the sand .
Beast croaks a final 'Think well of me Miss Scarlet and make sure the love mitten goes to a good home' and quietly slips away .
*****
epilogue.
As a babbling Miss Scarlet is gently led away by the attendant from the Infomaniac Home for the Permanently Bewildered for years of painful tap dance and mime therapy, No one notices a supposedly expired Beast leap up from the sand and sprint for the number 57 bus departing for Bridport and all points west .
Two weeks later as the whole sordid story hits the press (The Dorset Echo) a furious Mr C is seen combing the local towns for signs of the duplicitious Beast , carrying a box containing 5,476 bits of shattered golden pussy and a large tube of super glue. He has vowed to hunt Beast down and make him stick every damn piece of the beloved feline into its correct and propper place.
As the sun set over Swanage sewerage works , Mr C raises his head and howls at the rising moon .
****
Thursday, 5 May 2011
CLUEDO
A hinous crime has been committed at The Beasts Lair .
Remember this
The FGES were left, gently airing on the clothes line to remove the fecund aroma of colonials that even a boil wash and spirited scrubbing would not remove.
I returned from a hard day at work , to be confronted with this
If I were a Cluedo playing man (Which I am not as its a tedious load of old knackers) I would be guessing at
Miss Scarlet
In the Garden
With a clothes peg.
The thieving baggage has had it away with the sainted shorts and fingered an innocent into the bargain.
I blame the influence of Miss MJ !
Remember this
I returned from a hard day at work , to be confronted with this
If I were a Cluedo playing man (Which I am not as its a tedious load of old knackers) I would be guessing at
Miss Scarlet
In the Garden
With a clothes peg.
The thieving baggage has had it away with the sainted shorts and fingered an innocent into the bargain.
I blame the influence of Miss MJ !
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
CALAMITY AND CASTERNETS
You may be wondering what has kept our hero Beast away for so long.
Work my friends and lashings of it , peppered with calamitous events that would try the patients of a saint.
It all started when an exhausted Beast , just finishing cleaning the restaurant , kitchens , toilets and garden following a particularly drunken party , judging by the sticky floors and array of disgarded clothing (peculiarly there was a singular , rather expensive stiletto shoe hanging from a bush in the garden which has yet to be claimed). Suddenly the Beasts mobile telophonic device pinged urgently . It was Mr C ringing from his penthouse master suite , ordering Beast to feed his assortment of paraqueets and chickens in the outside aviary. Sadly during this delicate operation the Beast failed to secure the door correctly and the feathered fiends escaped.
There ensued terrible harangue number one.
The Beast was then instructed to move Mr C's beloved Golden Pussy to its correct position guarding the exit to the lavs. During this procedure the whole fecking front leg fell off.
There ensued terrible harangue number two .Accusations of senility , ham fisted blundering and pure unadultorated idiocy where mentioned .
The following weekend the Beast turned up on the Friday evening to be informed I needed to compile a menu for an authentic luxury spanish Tapas Buffet for 40 people the next night , and following my performance last week it had better be good.
On enquiring as to what the Cafe C professional chef had come up with , I was told he had firstly had an asthma attack , followed by an attack of the vapours and then sobbed pitifully . Mr C had taken an executive decision that it was The Beasts problem and sauntered off for a celebratory drink (with adoring entourage).
On Mr C's unsteady return , I stomped downstairs brandishing my impromptu menu for perusal and approval of a somewhat boisterous and cantankerous Mr C . It didnt start well when Mr C shouted 'Oh god I feel a NO FUN ZONE approaching as he downed another shot and wobbled alarmingly on his bar stool.
It is at this point I would like to offer a bit of advice .
Do Not, under any circumstances try to explain your Tapas Menu to a group of pissed people.
The sniggering was bad enough when we got to the succulent pork balls but was nothing to the general guffawing and catcalls that ensued with the classic Sausage In Cider (Just say it out loud) .This was when I gave up and retired to my kitchen , muttering dark oaths and cursing the day Mr C was expelled into this life .
The next day went by in a maelstrom of post party clean up and kitchen bitchery . It was only when I had calmed a gibbering chef with encouraging words and pints of sweet tea , planned out the buffet preparation schedule and set the chef making a rice salad (The catering equivalent of basket weaving) , I popped up to check timings and stuff with Mr C . Only to be informed I had another buffet for twenty the next day (Sunday) .
I hope your going to be up early ???? I ventured somewhat alarmed .
Oh yes we will be up nice and early said Mr C and finished off with something muttered .
Being a veteran of conversations with Mr C , I realise the muttered ending was by far the more important part of the sentence and demanded to know what it was . After much weedling and shouting I winkled it out of the devil.
The muttered part was " becuase we are flying out to Barcelona at 7 am"
Fuck Fuck Fuck FUCK ....... a buffet to get through tonight with a chef on the edge of a nervous breakdown
Another buffet tomorrow after cleaning the whole place following tonights festivities , followed by a second clean up, and no doubt looking after the dogs for a week as well .
****REPEATS FUCK CHORUS AND DOES A LITTLE DANCE****
Mr C was only saved from a cataclysmic explosion by the arrival of that nights entertainment. The (geriatric) Flamenco Dancers.I am not sure wether the rattlings and clackings where casternets or their false teeth and joints . In the event Mr C had been handing out the free shots , so I dont think anyone much cared .
Therefore my lovelys its been a busy few weeks
Oh yes , ITS THE FGES . Hurrah !
they have been disinfected and the gusset has been scrubbed .
More of them anon
Work my friends and lashings of it , peppered with calamitous events that would try the patients of a saint.
It all started when an exhausted Beast , just finishing cleaning the restaurant , kitchens , toilets and garden following a particularly drunken party , judging by the sticky floors and array of disgarded clothing (peculiarly there was a singular , rather expensive stiletto shoe hanging from a bush in the garden which has yet to be claimed). Suddenly the Beasts mobile telophonic device pinged urgently . It was Mr C ringing from his penthouse master suite , ordering Beast to feed his assortment of paraqueets and chickens in the outside aviary. Sadly during this delicate operation the Beast failed to secure the door correctly and the feathered fiends escaped.
There ensued terrible harangue number one.
The Beast was then instructed to move Mr C's beloved Golden Pussy to its correct position guarding the exit to the lavs. During this procedure the whole fecking front leg fell off.
There ensued terrible harangue number two .Accusations of senility , ham fisted blundering and pure unadultorated idiocy where mentioned .
The following weekend the Beast turned up on the Friday evening to be informed I needed to compile a menu for an authentic luxury spanish Tapas Buffet for 40 people the next night , and following my performance last week it had better be good.
On enquiring as to what the Cafe C professional chef had come up with , I was told he had firstly had an asthma attack , followed by an attack of the vapours and then sobbed pitifully . Mr C had taken an executive decision that it was The Beasts problem and sauntered off for a celebratory drink (with adoring entourage).
On Mr C's unsteady return , I stomped downstairs brandishing my impromptu menu for perusal and approval of a somewhat boisterous and cantankerous Mr C . It didnt start well when Mr C shouted 'Oh god I feel a NO FUN ZONE approaching as he downed another shot and wobbled alarmingly on his bar stool.
It is at this point I would like to offer a bit of advice .
Do Not, under any circumstances try to explain your Tapas Menu to a group of pissed people.
The sniggering was bad enough when we got to the succulent pork balls but was nothing to the general guffawing and catcalls that ensued with the classic Sausage In Cider (Just say it out loud) .This was when I gave up and retired to my kitchen , muttering dark oaths and cursing the day Mr C was expelled into this life .
The next day went by in a maelstrom of post party clean up and kitchen bitchery . It was only when I had calmed a gibbering chef with encouraging words and pints of sweet tea , planned out the buffet preparation schedule and set the chef making a rice salad (The catering equivalent of basket weaving) , I popped up to check timings and stuff with Mr C . Only to be informed I had another buffet for twenty the next day (Sunday) .
I hope your going to be up early ???? I ventured somewhat alarmed .
Oh yes we will be up nice and early said Mr C and finished off with something muttered .
Being a veteran of conversations with Mr C , I realise the muttered ending was by far the more important part of the sentence and demanded to know what it was . After much weedling and shouting I winkled it out of the devil.
The muttered part was " becuase we are flying out to Barcelona at 7 am"
Fuck Fuck Fuck FUCK ....... a buffet to get through tonight with a chef on the edge of a nervous breakdown
Another buffet tomorrow after cleaning the whole place following tonights festivities , followed by a second clean up, and no doubt looking after the dogs for a week as well .
****REPEATS FUCK CHORUS AND DOES A LITTLE DANCE****
Mr C was only saved from a cataclysmic explosion by the arrival of that nights entertainment. The (geriatric) Flamenco Dancers.I am not sure wether the rattlings and clackings where casternets or their false teeth and joints . In the event Mr C had been handing out the free shots , so I dont think anyone much cared .
Therefore my lovelys its been a busy few weeks
WALKIES!
Oh and guess what arrived
they have been disinfected and the gusset has been scrubbed .
More of them anon
Thursday, 31 March 2011
LUNAR LAZINESS
Well ! the flipping bare faced cheek of you all . You can blame the brain warping effect of the Extreme Super Moon if you wish , but the Beast recognised sheer Laziness when he sees it .
Nearly everyone dragged themselves away from scratching their nether regions or picking their noses and sent me their Tin Foil Hat entries.......most of which they had already used for Mr IVD's compo nearly a year ago.
Shame on all of you
There fore I have two winners
The Lovely Princess who entered the sole original entry
Congratulations your royal highnessness and thank you.
The second prize is for honesty and gold plated fur lined ocean going laziness .
Miss Scarlet wins for mailing me that she couldnt be arsed to make a hat , but could manage a cup of tea.......and even had the brass neck to send me a picture of the cuppa (Which I lost in a fit of hotmail related sausage fingeredness).
So.....
Congrats to our winners who will both win an exclusive Cafe Jagos Drunk and Gorgeous Tshirt *.
Please mail size and addresses
*Nothing is ever straight forward , we have to wait for our Cafe C couturier to fix their diamante machine.Oh yes it has diamante.
To the rest of you . Sloth is one of the seaven deadly sins
and this is a sloth
which is something entirely different.
But your all doomed
So there!
Update . As XL has been un doomed and is not AS lazy as the rest of you . Here is his hat
The rest of you are still doomed
Nearly everyone dragged themselves away from scratching their nether regions or picking their noses and sent me their Tin Foil Hat entries.......most of which they had already used for Mr IVD's compo nearly a year ago.
Shame on all of you
There fore I have two winners
The Lovely Princess who entered the sole original entry
The second prize is for honesty and gold plated fur lined ocean going laziness .
Miss Scarlet wins for mailing me that she couldnt be arsed to make a hat , but could manage a cup of tea.......and even had the brass neck to send me a picture of the cuppa (Which I lost in a fit of hotmail related sausage fingeredness).
So.....
Congrats to our winners who will both win an exclusive Cafe Jagos Drunk and Gorgeous Tshirt *.
Please mail size and addresses
*Nothing is ever straight forward , we have to wait for our Cafe C couturier to fix their diamante machine.Oh yes it has diamante.
To the rest of you . Sloth is one of the seaven deadly sins
and this is a sloth
But your all doomed
So there!
Update . As XL has been un doomed and is not AS lazy as the rest of you . Here is his hat
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About Me
- BEAST
- Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO
