NEEDS MUST........

In more affluent times The Beast Liar was a three dyson household , an upstairs one , a downstairs one and a spare .
A succession of disasters soon thinned the herd . Firstly Mr C  kidnapped one of them . When faced with the unspeakable cleaning tasks of Mr C's former residence, Mincer Cottage , the poor thing exploded . The Beast was straight round and harvested its 'organs'.

The upstairs dyson began ailing almost imediatley and wheezed asmatically to an early end at the local dump . Its bits were whipped out and off before the smoking motor had cooled.  

As number three began to pine and falter the Beast retired to his shed . Late into the night , hammering , muttering and screamed oaths could be heard until finally , one dark and stormy night , with a final exaltation of
ITS ALIVE MWA HA HA HA HA  

FrankenDyson was released into the world

Much could be said of the FrankenDyson , and I am sure a few of my dear readers will identify with this all encompasing description........

It may not be pretty but it sure can suck !

No Offence intended :-)

AMBUSHED

During a busy lunch shift on Saturday , one of the girls popped down , peeped round the kitchen door , and asked very sweetly if their adored old Beast could make herself and her sister a  Chillie Chicken wrap , as It was their very favourite and I made the best ones EVER.
Obviously I was being buttered up in the most shameless manner , but any child who doesnt learn this skill at an early age deserves to go hungry in my book.A little smarm goes a long way , even a old cumudgeon like Beast had to grumpily surrender to this infantile charm offensive.
Wraps made , plates dutifully dressed , Beast set off up the narrow staircase to Mr C's  flat above Cafe C , half way up I had to manouver round a lethally placed dog bowl on one of the steps , holding one plate aloft  , the other by my side , twisting and teetering like a demented flamenco dancer ,  muttering dark oaths about idiots leaving stuff on dark  narrow stairs , where any  reasonable chap could fall and break his neck , etc etc .
Too late I realised my error , the little swine Lloyd (Mr C's brindle staffy) was waiting , hidden , behind the landing rail .He shot out and snatched the wrap off the 'held aloft' plate and scarpered ,  leaving a trail of chillie chicken and mixed salad in his wake .
I am furious that I was ambushed  by the canine fiend  , and am convinced the whole bowl on the stairs mularkey was a carefully planned set up by a calculating criminal mastermind .
In other News , on Saturday night we had our first Cafe C fight .
You know how it is in any small town , posturing twenty something young men  , limited supply of attractive young women, add  drink ,Crap Bingo with Mavis , the heady aroma of Beasts chocolate fountain and a full moon to the swirling cloud of hormones and you have a powder keg waiting to blow.
The perpertrators were swiftly seperated  by an enraged Mr C and frogmarched straight out the door and  given a classic  dressing down . You have let me down , worst of all let yourselves down and spoiled everyones evening (Especially the birthday girl who ended up with a full glass of red wine tipped iinto her ample cleavage) etc etc ,following a verbal mauling they were eventually sent skulking off into the night under the baleful glare of mine host....Bless.

EXIT STAGE LEFT

Another exciting week  at Cafe C , a big old thespian (don't get over excited its not a mis spelling this post contains no girl on girl action) approached Mr C with a proposition for booking Cafe C for three nights for performances of an exciting new play featuring an internationally aclaimed cast of seasoned actors , there was wild talk of 50 punters per performance plus additional matinees all lapping up the culture and comestibles of Cafe C's .
Ever the cynic Mr C had already cut through the hyperbole and  assumed the 'Internationally aclaimed cast' meant a load of out of work cruise ship hoofers , and that the advertising of a  play  that was being touted as 'a feel good  light hearted comedy about aids' may take a smidgeon of finessing.
Too prove her self proclaimed comedic genuise and oscar winning writing skills to a increasingly dubious Mr C , the writer/director of this masterpeice would perform a stand up spot to open Saturday nights Caberet Nite.

Saturday arrived and following numerous diva like telephone calls our Prima Donna arrived and proceeded to demand various props to ensure a set of such hilarity we would not have a dry seat in the house. Apparently a pot of tea placed on a table on stage is comic gold ......
There is no polite way of saying this but her act was unutterable shite . You and I would be hard pushed to sit and write material that was so dull and utterley unfunny . Within ten minutes Mr C was almost having an embelism and the audience was turning nasty . It was highly likely we were about to have a lynching on our hands . Mr C leapt into action and tasked Beast of hunting down Frobisher and getting him dressed and on stage for an emergency 'Crap Bingo with Mavis' intervention.
I found a half cut Frobisher stumbling about in the garden , rushed him upstairs to change .There ensued a farcical 2 minute make over , as Frobi stumbled about trying to get into panty hose and a dress , James's squealing girls slapped make up on his face and myself and James ran about the house trying to retrieve the wig from Lloyd the staffies jaws

You can imagine the state of 'Mavis' when 5 minutes later, he stormed the stage .











If there are lessons to be learned from all this dear reader its dont attempt to put on panty hose in a hurry if your drunk .
Don't allow 8 year olds to do your makeup.
Dogs and wigs don't mix.

Frobisher set was of course a triumph and rumours of him being booed off stage are wildly exagerated.

The upshot of all these shenanigans is the play is no more
I believe the phrase 'You must be F*cking Joking' featured in spirit if not form.
Mr C informs me he is now off to have an motivational pep talk with his staff

Oh dear!

REVELATIONS

I got up on Friday morning and felt flipping dreadful , so I went back to bed and slept most of the day and the next night , and recovered just in time for my Saturday shift at Cafe C .....Phew I here you say dear reader , that was lucky! . I arrived nice and early , so I could make a delicious fresh soup and get all my kitchen prep done , only to find myself locked out in the pouring rain for an hour as Mr C claims to have left the door open for me but some unamed person then locked it. I retired to Starbucks and dripped on their leather upholstelry while quaffing a reviving cup of foam until the waittress arrived to let me in .

 Anyway enough of my blethering and on to more pressing medical and pscycological disorders that are currently plagueing Cafe C.

After being lambasted for some minor chicken related incident ,I had cause to raise the issue of Mr C's random mood swings , a cherubic little bundle of joy one minute , a snarling  , yelling whirlwind the next.
To my suprise Dr C had already self diagnosed  , and claimed emphatically to be suffering from BiPolariod Disorder











I am not medically qualified myself but I imagine this is a variant of bipolar disorder (Patron Saint Kerry Kantona) with the added horror of hanging heamorriods(the smarting of which could explain the sudden bursts of temper.


Myself , I had taken a wild stab in the dark and decided upon demonic possesion If all else failed I was going to try beating Mr C with a bible while shouting the Lords
prayer .
This was obviously  the least prefered option during restaurant service.




So thats Mr C sorted , now on to James . It had not gone unoticed that since James got an Iphone , he was often to be found skulking in corners , looking very shifty , fiddling with his internet connection .We jumped to the obvious conclusion that the man was becoming a drooling porn hound , and set about stealing his phone for confirmation at the earliest oppertunity . Imagine our horror to find it was a lot worse than we first thought. Avert your eyes readers of a delicate constitution or nursing mothers....




Oh yes we have outed James as an internet PLANE SPOTTER . His internet links were chocca block with pictures of Jumbo Jets , wings akimbo , undercarraige down or thrusting into the air in a most libidinous manner  , plus numerous links to cancelled flight information sites. I think he wanted to be discovered and its an obvious cry for help.




Which brings us to Frobisher . In he staggers on Saturday , totters about like he had accidently filled his trousers and eventually admitted to a bad back and staggered off home . I would imagine the rest of Frobi's weekend went something like this :-)

PS. You will have to excuse any misspellings but the sodding spellchecker has vapourised from my tools bar :-(

WET AND WILD

Fantastic news , James was cleaning out under the bar and has found the Love Mitten . I detailed my infatuation  HERE.

Oh yes I have learned how to do links , there is no stopping me now.

Otherwise it's been a slow old start to the year , its been freezing cold ,snow and  ice everywhere , there was even some attention seeking twit ice skating in the road outside The Beasts Lair the other day . I am assuming attention seeking as he had a film crew from the local news station capturing his tomfoolery for prosterity.It nearly made Mr C choke on his baguette(Thats not a vile euphemism it was cream cheese and bacon) when he saw it on the news having just finished harangueing me on exagerating the ice problem as an excuse for turning up late.....how we laughed (well I did as I executed a near perfect heimlich manouvre and then scraped cream cheese off the tv screen) :-)
What bizzare but timely intervention has saved your bacon dear reader ???

A BRAVE NEW YEAR

New Years Eve at Cafe C , Frobishers dreams of a Las Vegas styleee all singing all dancing spectacular lay in tatters at the first sound check .
A disabled Beast was weaving his buffet magic in the kitchen , having previously almost brained himself on the extraction hood , but a mild concussion and profuse bleeding was not going to get between a true artist and his medium . Mr C had contrived a rather ameteur field dressing that was strapped to Beasts head and looked like a bizare victorian bonnet. Still against all odds , the buffet was conjoured , a bitter Frobisher was plied with gin and finally cajouled to the stage , where he proceeded to rip his adoring audience to shreds  , stamp on the prizes and abuse the time honoured calls to make his displeasure apparent .For example snarling TWO FAT LESBIANS  .....24 * as he glared balefully at the pair of spooning rug munchers on table two . It was like watching the oft rumoured deleted bingo scene from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane . The drunken audience loved it....Doubtless Cafe C has spawned a monster.

*The correct call is of course Two Fat Ladies ....88

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Wishing you all  the New Years Eve you desire and a healthy and happy 2010.

Beast will be churning out a luxury buffet for 20 . That frightful old lovey Frobisher will be hamming it up on Stage reprising his role in the hit of the Xmas Season "Crap Bingo with Mavis" .
Mr C will be festering in a corner somewhere nursing a glass of Malibu and working on tomorrows hangover ,  making occasional forays into the kitchen to lambast poor Beast.
 James will be delighting our guests with his hot and spicey chipolatas and firecracker prawn balls(He is seldom without pain , poor thing).
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL
PS : Isn't Miss MJ looking well :-)