Wednesday, 29 April 2009


Mr C is a fount of 'interesting facts'
He informs me a pigs orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
I don't know how he knows this and I am afraid to ask.
I was also enjoying my bacon sandwich up till this point and am now cursing my choice of mayo rather than ketchup .

He also informs me that a male Praying Mantis is incapable of having sex with its head still attached .Therefore the bad tempered female Praying Mantis first rips off her prospective partners head(Yeah like that's unique to the Praying Mantis World !) and then rogers the fresh corpse for all she is worth......nice.

Moving swiftly on ....I am incapable of telling my left from my right.
This used to cause innumerable problems including yelling matches in the car when someone was stupid enough to get me to navigate.
Turn left here Beast would yell , wildly gesticulating in the wrong direction.

Then someone at Karate showed me that if you hold your fingers together and thumb at right angles on your left hand , it makes the letter L , so an easy way to quickly and surreptitiously work out the right from your left.
I was so excited about this top tip , I burbled away to Mr C about how simple and clever it was , and was dreaming of a life filled with direction related incidence where I wouldn't make a complete Arse of myself and without the need to write L and R on my shoes and hands.
It was going to change my life FOREVER.
My ebullience was soon shattered when Mr C harumphed and sarcastically pointed out , that it was also the International Sign of The Loser .

The Beast has Left (GEDDDDIIIIiiiT!!!!!!!%$!!!!) the building

Tuesday, 28 April 2009



1 day off in three weeks

If I am lucky its been only 8 hours a day .Many days its been 12 to 14 hours.

My boss really could not understand my lack of enthusiasm to spend my one day off this week disaster recovery testing. After painstakingly explaining to me the scenarios for mayhem and carnage that were lurking out there and how the seamless recovery of the business environment should have me bursting with pride and wishing to rip off my shirt and spontaneously burst into a verse of the company song.

I did point out that should one of these dreadful catastrophes happen the likelihood is they would be scraping what remains of me up in a bucket , I am pretty damn sure I wouldn't give a flying feck if the systems were recovered...

This you can imagine did not go down too well :-)

Still Star Treck is almost upon us

Live Long and Prosper my lovelies

***Makes Vulcan Hand Sign and collapses in heap***

Thursday, 23 April 2009


The Beast was hoping for a slothful evening of yawning and scratching in front of the TV , perhaps , periodically rousing oneself to feast on tasty morsels from the fridge and quaff a foaming tankard of orange squash or two .
Sadly , my plans were scuppered by a demanding call from Cafe C .
Mr C had decided to redecorate , and it had to be done NOW . I was expected to present myself , pretty damn sharpish or there would be hell to pay .
The one quibble I have about decorating is, I NEVER get to do the glamorous rollering , I always get stuck with the tedious cutting in/ edges .
I dream of one day being allowed to roller......I imagine its heavenly .
***Gazes wistfully into the middle distance***
Anyway (Piggies favourite word) , the edging brush I was provided with was rubbish , If Van Gogh ( Natemare insists its Rembrandt but that's because he is an IDIOT) had to contend with equipment like this , its no wonder the blighter hacked off his ear in frustration , it was like trying to get a sharp edge using a feather duster , however we struggled on .
After about 5 hours of excruciating daubing we finally slapped the last coat of 'London Mud' (That's a colour , its not a wattle and daub hut) on the last wall .
I have to say the colour combo Of London Mud ,plus a dark and brooding Mauve and a refreshing white with a hint of lemon on opposing walls and insets , looked very fresh and sophisticated .
Cafe C is now suitably refreshed for the fast approaching Summer season.
I wish the same could be said of the 'previously enjoyed' ragged old Beast :-(

Monday, 20 April 2009


Beast is back.
Two punishing weeks of normal job plus back to back parties and 'events' at Cafe C are now finished.
It has to be said , it all went remarkabley well . Myself and Mr C worked liked a well oiled * machine in the kitchen.
So hopefully I will be blogging again by this evening

*For those of you Imagining Myself and Mr C performing our punishing kitchen duties wearing nothing but thongs , chip fat and a smile .Its your lucky day , Photo's on request at a modest fee from
Go On you know you want to !

Friday, 10 April 2009


Many have called The Beast an old scrubber , and with good reason .As we all know the Beast is a black belt at cleaning but now I have met a true master .

The new recruit at cafe C , is a little old polish woman who speaks not a word of English , but boy can she clean .

The Beast has found his Yoda.
I apologise for my patchy blogging attendance of the last week but as its easter holidays ,Cafe C is spectacularly busy.So in addition to my day job I am helping out in the kitchens as required ,While it gives me ample chance to study at the sink of the master I will be partly AWOL for a while longer.
I shall leave you with a worrying thought .
Is is wrong to find the waft of bleach sexy ????

Tuesday, 7 April 2009


One of my blogging hero's and great friends has announced she is calling it a day for the foreseeable future .
Miss Nations possessed a marvellously twisted creativity , you never knew what was coming next or which direction a subject would take . She writes beautifully , can be shockingly honest and wickedly funny . I have learnt many interesting things from her art history pieces , some things I really didn't want to know about the lavatory habits of pensioners , garnered some fantastic recipes and cookery tips and cried with laughter at some of the crazy antics from her earlier life.

I hold out the hope that she will triumphantly return at some stage in the future , if you haven't read any of her stuff , go dig in he archives......and go do it NOW.

I would offer to go on hunger stike to force Miss Nations to return to us......but yeah like that is EVER going to happen
****selects fresh donut***

Thursday, 2 April 2009


My evening shift in the slave pits of Cafe C has been transformed.

Transformed dear reader by love.

On shuffling dejectedly towards my 'work station' (The sink) for an evening of drudgery and horror , I noticed something new laying on the draining board . It was a washing up Mitten ,and I have to tell you that once I had overcome my initial scorn and slipped my hand into its moist welcoming opening , I am besotted.

Its the best damn washing up related equipment EVER .


At the end of the perfect shift as I whispered

I love you mitten

having formed a little mitten puppet fist and whispered back

I love you too Beast

the ambiance was shattered by a voice dripping with sarcasm that sneered I think you need to get out more

A tender moment between man and mitten destroyed by the bitter Mr C.

Some people will never understand

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