Wednesday, 29 April 2009

BEASTS TOP TIPS AND INTERESTING FACTS


Mr C is a fount of 'interesting facts'
He informs me a pigs orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
I don't know how he knows this and I am afraid to ask.
I was also enjoying my bacon sandwich up till this point and am now cursing my choice of mayo rather than ketchup .

He also informs me that a male Praying Mantis is incapable of having sex with its head still attached .Therefore the bad tempered female Praying Mantis first rips off her prospective partners head(Yeah like that's unique to the Praying Mantis World !) and then rogers the fresh corpse for all she is worth......nice.


Moving swiftly on ....I am incapable of telling my left from my right.
This used to cause innumerable problems including yelling matches in the car when someone was stupid enough to get me to navigate.
Turn left here Beast would yell , wildly gesticulating in the wrong direction.

Then someone at Karate showed me that if you hold your fingers together and thumb at right angles on your left hand , it makes the letter L , so an easy way to quickly and surreptitiously work out the right from your left.
I was so excited about this top tip , I burbled away to Mr C about how simple and clever it was , and was dreaming of a life filled with direction related incidence where I wouldn't make a complete Arse of myself and without the need to write L and R on my shoes and hands.
It was going to change my life FOREVER.
My ebullience was soon shattered when Mr C harumphed and sarcastically pointed out , that it was also the International Sign of The Loser .

The Beast has Left (GEDDDDIIIIiiiT!!!!!!!%$!!!!) the building

29 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Mr C must have watched the 'Swine Orgy' DVD without realising that the cast were faking it. You could always pierce your left nipple.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Oh crikey... I'm very worried about Mr C... does he also have swine flu?
Anyhow, I can't tell my left from my right either... and the signing trick doesn't work for me because I'm mirror confused as well... Let's not drive anywhere together... it'd be L...
Sx

Hammer said...

Pig mayonaise..for some reason I'm not so hungry anymore.

Pig genetalia also are shaped like a corkscrew and pretty much work the same way.

Who says the petting zoo isn't educational...

eroswings said...

So that's why bacon is so salty!

Someone actually got close enough and timed pig orgasms? I suspect this is how the the swine flu got started!

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
Mr C must have watched the 'Swine Orgy' DVD without realising that the cast were faking it. You could always pierce your left nipple.
Damn them faking pigs Mr B , I think the hand thing is easier than self mutilation

BEAST said...

Scarlet-Blue said...
Oh crikey... I'm very worried about Mr C... does he also have swine flu?
Mad cow desease more like Anyhow, I can't tell my left from my right either... and the signing trick doesn't work for me because I'm mirror confused as well... Let's not drive anywhere together... it'd be L...
Lord Knows where we would end up Miss Scarlet , but it could be exciting

BEAST said...

Hammer said...
Pig mayonaise..for some reason I'm not so hungry anymore.
Maybe we have discovered a new dieting aid Mr H Pig genetalia also are shaped like a corkscrew and pretty much work the same way.
I think that is too much information Who says the petting zoo isn't educational...
The things one learns , its shocking

BEAST said...

eroswings said...
So that's why bacon is so salty!

Someone actually got close enough and timed pig orgasms? I suspect this is how the the swine flu got started!
People get paid for stuff like that Mr E , what a job :-)

Anonymous said...

Did you know elephants also cant jump!!! and dolphins have sex for pleasure too! i also wank 3 times a day!! 190 seconds of my life wasted!!

MJ said...

Therefore the bad tempered female Praying Mantis first rips off her prospective partners headHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
Did you know elephants also cant jump!!! and dolphins have sex for pleasure too! i also wank 3 times a day!! 190 seconds of my life wasted!!
A little quality time with your Micheal Jackson Glove is never wasted !

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Therefore the bad tempered female Praying Mantis first rips off her prospective partners headHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
I could have said trainer clad foot Miss MJ ???

BEAST said...

I have a chocolate cake in my fridge , would you like to break wind on it ???

Scarlet-Blue said...

Did you turn right when you left the building and can I have some cake please?
Sx

MJ said...

I have a chocolate cake in my fridge , would you like to break wind on it ???

Is this some kind of trap?

Scarlet-Blue said...

Can I have the cake without the broken wind please?
Sx

BEAST said...

Scarlet-Blue said...
Did you turn right when you left the building and can I have some cake please?

The Loser hand says I did turn right Miss Scarlet . I shall take out a slice before Miss MJ 'christens' it

BEAST said...

MJ said...
I have a chocolate cake in my fridge , would you like to break wind on it ???

Is this some kind of trap?

Excuse me Madam you seem to have butter cream on your butt cheeks

BEAST said...

Scarlet-Blue said...
Can I have the cake without the broken wind please?

and miss out on the unique flavour Miss Scarlet ???

Ms Smack said...

You write the best posts!!

Leah said...

I too must hold up the hand to remind myself of left from right, however, I've learned to hold up my right hand and make the sign of a backwards L. Then you can see it is not an L, therefore not left, therefore right. See, you can tell direction without making the international sign of the Loser. It's ingenious, right?

Nuzzer Happenstance said...

I don't really want to know HOW they know that a Pig's orgasm can last 30 minutes...
but obviously the aroma of makin' bacon must have something to do with it.
Sooo-weet!

UBERMOUTH said...

The black widow spider does the 'disappearing head' act too.
What men will sacrifice for sex!

mutleythedog said...

I am reeling.... you do KARATE!!?

BEAST said...

Ms Smack said...
You write the best posts!!
Why thank you Miss Smack , its just befuddled ramblings of a silly old fool :-)

BEAST said...

Leah said...
I too must hold up the hand to remind myself of left from right, however, I've learned to hold up my right hand and make the sign of a backwards L. Then you can see it is not an L, therefore not left, therefore right. See, you can tell direction without making the international sign of the Loser. It's ingenious, right?
Leah , thats a gold standard bit of 'girl logic' , however if it works it works :-)

BEAST said...

Nuzzer Happenstance said...
I don't really want to know HOW they know that a Pig's orgasm can last 30 minutes...
but obviously the aroma of makin' bacon must have something to do with it.
Sooo-weet!
You want to be reincarnated as a pig now don't you Nuzzer

BEAST said...

UBERMOUTH said...
The black widow spider does the 'disappearing head' act too.
What men will sacrifice for sex!
The answer is ANYTHING rather than 'talk about our feelings' and other such femenine mularkey after the deed is done Uber....jeez girls !!! :-)

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
I am reeling.... you do KARATE!!?
I did Karate for years Mr M , till embarrasingly I broke my shoulder rather nastily in a 'How to fall safley' class.
In my experience its never much fun being on the wrong end of irony :-(

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