Monday, 28 September 2009


Its late September again when the evenings start to draw in and leaves are on the turn , it must be time for Frobisher's surprise Birthday Party

You may wish to ponder why its such a surprise as we have one EVERY year , however Frobi seemed to be oblivious as I chauffeured him to Cafe C where the gathering throng were hiding in the garden shushing each other and tittering as all surprise guests do.

Frobisher was carping all the way there that at his age all he wanted was a nice quite birthday dinner and perhaps a celebratory cup of cocoa before retiring early for the night , and should he be spared , maybe a gentle constitutional and a nice rest would set him up for the next year .

Predictably on being 'surprised' , opening a mountain of presents and hitting the cocktails , all those gentle plans were soon forgotten and he was off making lewd suggestions to the bar staff , cavorting with the drag act , screaming like a girl and dragging strange women in off the street to partner his frenzied dirty dancing.

You can just imagine the final result

I had volunteered to cop the early shift the next day to clean up and get the cafe open for the daytime and prepare for another birthday party in the evening .

The Cafe floor looked like a herd of passing hippo's had been wallowing and I had to move all the furniture to one side of the room , then sweep and double mop and then move it all the other way , collect all the debris and wash all the tables and chairs and then put everything back . A very pale and wan Frobisher staggered in about 11.30 en route from his hotel to home , probably leaving a trail of sick down the high street .

I managed to slouch through the days service and James eventually surfaced about 3 pm looking somewhat worst for wear and here we entered familiar territory . James having a fit of the vapours trying to prepare the restaurant for the party , Beast having a nervous breakdown in the kitchen trying to sort out the dinner for 30 and Mr C refusing point blank to get out his festering pit until 5.30 pm....the party was kicking off at 7 .

Still being professionals
***beast chokes slightly at this point***
we pulled it all together in the nick of time , despite the kitchen bitches turning up 40 minutes late and half cut. Frobisher staggered back still looking rather delicate and gamely did some washing up after Mr C had a tantrum , following a bit of an incident with a chocolate gateaux and accidently sacked the washer up(Easily done when your hung over I am told) .

Still the meal service was as smooth as silk and the party was a triumph , and our guests staggered off in the early hours to hit the fleshpots of Weymouth belching gently as they went.
However I cannot help reflecting that unless Frobisher shuffles off this mortal coil in some bizarre sex related accident we could have another 30 of these 'surprise' birthday weekends to get through......
You may ask what happened on my birthday , I will tell you ,driving Mr C to the supermarket , a kentucky fried chicken dinner and a lengthy lecture on my short comings......I am not sure which of the three gave me the squirts but my money is on the Kentucky.....
It seems blatantly obvious that God and the Colonel hate me !

Wednesday, 23 September 2009


It is said that vegetables are good for one .
The Beast can report this is not always the case .
Last night dear reader , the agent of my undoing was the humble carrot.

The Beast is an avid reader of Blogging lifestyle Guru Miss MJ and lives by her maxim that Less is more .
Miss MJ usually demonstrates this ethos using wall to wall pictures of saggy old men wearing very few clothes .

Following a bollocking of biblical proportions viz a viz insufficient portions from Dorchesters favourite restaurateur Mr C .
The Beast now realises that as Miss Fiona Funbags admirably demonstrates that while less is more when applied to clothing that more is better applies to most other things.

Monday, 21 September 2009


When Miss Scarlet recently fanny farted in my comments lounge

Was she perhaps hinting at this biography

Is the ginger hair another subtle clue

Has a cake been 'airbrushed' from the jacket picture

Has anyone ever seen Miss Scarlet , Miss MJ and Mr Frobisher in the same room

Has Donn ever categorically denied he is the love child of Old Knudsen and Nancy Reagan

Why do Mr C and Frobisher keep Beast locked away in the kitchen like a modern day Cinderella

What is Miss First Nations doing on her hiatus

I leave you gentle reader to theorise as to the most obvious answers to these perplexing questions

Monday, 14 September 2009


We are enjoying a bit of an Indian summer in the UK . Saturday was steaming hot , as this usually causes most of the populace to bugger off to the beach and then spend the evening burning animal flesh in the garden the Cafe was fairly quiet .
The management at Cafe C declared Saturday evening a holiday and we all set off for a meal at a little inn amid the desolation of Portland bill .
The inn blatantly had not changed their menu since 1974 , so we pigged out on retro classics and then staggered off to walk round the lighthouse promontory caressed by the balmy nighttime zephyrs. We just about made it to the end and collapsed in decorous heaps on the massive chunks of Portland stone bordering the sea .
It was idyllic lazing about under a truly amazing blanket of stars , lulled by the pounding of the surf and the murmurings and barkings of Mr C's digestive tract.
As a shooting star sped across the firmament Mr C asked wistfully
"Did you make a wish???"
To which myself ,James and Midge cried joyfully in unison
"Yes ....but your still here !!!"
I can thankfully report that even a retaliatory punch to the head cannot put a damper on natures awesome majesty :-)

Wednesday, 9 September 2009


Says it all really . Beast is prolly suffering from Post Traumatic Stress disorder from his weekly battering in the Cafe C kitchens , but I cant actually be bothered to do anything
***loafs about eating crumpets***

Thursday, 3 September 2009


Kieth , exhausted from minutes of frenzied Napkin folding tries desperatly to take a short nap , His plans are foiled by a fretting Frobisher having a Pre Love Parade wardrobe dilemma
'Can I run in slingbacks?????'
'Are gold hotpants , a gas mask and nipple clamps just too much????'

Apologies for not posting for a bit , in mitigation , last Sunday was The Dorchester Love Parade hosted and organised by Mr C/Cafe C .

Understandably this involved a lot of stress , preparation , work and clean up .All involved are completely knackered .

Beast will be posting his take on the event shortly (Grins evilly)

If however you feel the need for the 'truth' , search For the Dorset Echo once you are on thier site then search for Dorchester Love Parade , you can read their articles on the event .

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO