Tuesday, 24 November 2009


The Beastmobile is in the garage AGAIN. That will teach me to park by the chip shop where local Dorset beauties like the lovely Paprika hang out guzzling saveloy and chips en route for the Saturday 'Pull a Pig' night at elegant local nitespot The Fire Station .
Hopefully the problem will be fixed before Fridays Dorchester Christmas Cracker Fund Raiser hosted by Cafe C , featuring some woman who sang on the BBC.... Mr C can't remember her name , but she's famous...apparently!

I shall update you on our imminent brush with celebrity as and when someone remembers who she is !

Wednesday, 18 November 2009


Looking for fine dining in Dorchester , Dorset
Why not try the fascinating photo essay reviews featuring totally fake genuine customers experiences at www.slagoffyurcompetitors.com


Cafe C
Saintly lane

Fine Dining at its best.
Dorchesters finest eating experience


The Horse with the Red Umbrella.
Corner of Saintly Lane and Lower Colon Street

Frankly the horse would taste better!


Lower Colon Street
(end of Cafe C's Back Passage)

Nasty afterTaste more like!

Now lets finish with a fascinating glimpse of ecstatic diners enjoying Cafe C's famous 'Grab a Tranny' Night

Tuesday, 17 November 2009


As December fast approaches , Cafe C is booked solid with christmas parties.

It is likely Myself , James , Frobisher and Mr C will go completely bats by Christmas . I will only be posting as and when , to keep you updated on the wacky kitchen antics and the inevitable slide into insanity and exhaustion that will ensue . I am already jolting awake in the wee small hours plagued by nightmares of insufficient portions and under cooked carrots.

So prepare yourselves for a whole month of 'highly hilarious' pictures just like the one above , as any spare time I have I will be rocking and dribbling in the corner while I babble about the state of my stuffing balls

Wednesday, 11 November 2009


A stalwart of the Cafe C menu is the glorious Oven Roasted Med Veg .

You can have it hot and fresh from the oven prehaps served with rice , bacon and a dusting of grated cheese , or maybe some sausages(vegetarian if you must) . chilled in the fridge it will happily last for three days and can be re heated and served atop a jacket potato , added to soup or any dish you fancy slapping it in , add to sandwiches , wraps or baguettes with cheese or cold meat .Spoon it into your underwear.Dance semi clad round the dining table splattering your loved ones with steaming gobbets of this flavoursome comestible . Fill the bath with the damn stuff and romp nekkid with a few like minded friends for all I care.

I wash my hands of the filthy minded lot of you and your disgusting vegetable related shenanigans .

Against my better judgement here's the Recipe:

Chop up the following


Aubergine (Egg plant)

Courgette (Zucchini)




1 or 2 cloves of garlic


To this basic mix you can add any other veg you have to hand including stuff like cucumber.Your aiming for lots of colour , texture and flavour

Season , slap in an oven proof dish/roasting tin and mix well with a good slurp of olive oil.

Roast in a medium oven for 40 to 60 minutes stirring occasionally.

Sunday, 8 November 2009


Saturday evening is the end of a punishing 6 day work week at Cafe C .
<<<<<<< By 9 pm after a few Malibu and cokes , a tired and emotional Mr C usually looks like this.

This week however was different ,Saturday evening was the Birthday dinner for legendary local Tranny , Charity , hosted by Cafe C.

Beast was cooking , Frobisher was in charge of glamorising the plates where he can be happily left muttering and twitching with his latest obsession with julienne of carrot and radish shavings without mishap.

James had front of house spruced and gleaming and was fending off three flirting and squealing middle aged harpies who were finalising arrangements for their party in January . As Frobisher remarked bitterly he is like catnip to women of a certain age.
Mr C had decided to 'drag up' in honour of Birthday 'girl' Charity and made his grand entrance , this certainly dampened the ardour of the trio of menopausal hags , who soon hastily departed screaming into the night .
Crikey what a sight ! how to best describe Mr C in drag .... I think a review of a stage appearance of actress Diana Rigg best gives you feel for the apparition .
Miss Rigg in her younger years was the lithesome and sexy Emma Peel in the cult 60's TV show the Avengers , but became rather stocky in her middle years . The review unkindly commented that Miss Rigg was built like a brick shithouse with insufficient buttresses
Bearing this in mind , the Beast has scoured the interwebs to find a picture that best conveys the essence of "Miss C"

Myself and Frobisher were a little put out as the hours we spent slaving over a hot stove ( in my case) and a shaved radish (in Frobishers) ,were probably in vain as the shocking site of mien host was bound to make anyone bilious from the get go .
When faced with a traumatising sight , drinking to forget is not a strategy the Beast would generally support . However on this occasion ,it certainly put the takings up on the bar as the hapless diners scrambled for oblivion :-)

Friday, 6 November 2009


Its Bonfire weekend in the UK where we celebrate an assassination attempt on the whole English parliament by silly old Guy Fawkes by burning him in effigy ,burning other stuff , letting off fireworks and pigging out .
When we were kids this used to be great , making the guy by stuffing old clothes with newspaper ,collecting driftwood from the beach for the bonfire , building the bonfire in the back garden , going out with Pa Beasty to buy the fireworks the weekend before , Ma Beasty used to cook up a big old vat of a hearty winter soup , jacket potatoes with cheese , sausages and usually some sort of crappy bonfire themed cake.
Come the night it was usually tipping down with rain or blowing a gale . We would huddle in the garden , Pa Beasty would totter about and let off the fireworks (With varying degrees of success) , each firework was traditionally greeted with Oooh's/Ahhh's or hoots of derision and blowing of raspberries , then we would light the bonfire and spend the rest of the evening burning stuff or poking burning stuff with sticks and feasting (Which are three of the Beasts favourite pastimes) .
Nowadays we don't do Ma and Pa Beasties Bonfire spectacular since the neurotic old bag moved in next door and ends up having a screaming epi in her garden that we have upset her pussy , and neither myself or Mr C has enough back garden space to host such an event without sparking a conflagration that would wipe either Bournemouth or Dorchester off the map :-(.
We did however sneak off to a farmers field and let off some rockets the other night , but had to scarper quick in case the police or farmer came to investigate........which made it almost fun again.
Oh to be 6 again :-)))

Tuesday, 3 November 2009


It was a Halloween full moon.

No! not that kind , this isn't Infomaniac

This kind....silly.
Cafe C was warming up for a 40Th birthday party for 40 guests . Buffet , drinkin and dancin. With all that spooky lunar energy slopping about everyone was all a twitter and literally anything could happen , there was even a whiff of an appearance by Frobisher on the grapevine.

The last we had seen of Frobisher was his Surprise Birthday Party and a recent fleeting scurrilous attack on poor Beasts macho mojo on that pitiful rag Frobishers Fun Pages(If I could do a link I would , but I can't so tough titties). I expect Frobisher is desperately hoping a little of the glamour that epitomises Beastbites would rub off.
Anyway Frobisher eventually appeared wearing a full anti contamination suit and gas mask , I have no idea why , subtle social comment perhaps or just hiding a recent tragic haircut

Ever the diplomat , James gaped like a cod for just a second and then rallied marvellously with Do you know that colour suits you......and then scarpered fast with a handy tray of mini Yorkshire puddings , stuffed with a ) roasted sliver of beef(medium rare and a sumptuous frosting of horse radish mayonnaise.
A harried Mr C barked , Ignore him its just attention seeking and then made quarrelsome remarks about the portion control of my a masterful tomato salad (5 different types of tomato roughly chopped with a whisper of minced red onion and garlic , drizzled with an oregano , olive oil and white wine vinegar dressing).
Frobisher meanwhile stood disconsolately at the sink making grumbling farty noises thru his gas mask . An accord was eventually struck when Fobisher was allowed to call the bingo and a happy little kitchen crew , chopped , roasted , fried , drizzled and fluffed a magnificent buffet into existence.
Cafe C offers a choice of bar staff for party bookings , those looking for a little spice can opt for the glamorous option of a couple of trannies 'manning' the optics , it is surprisingly popular .

However on this occasion we will swiftly gloss over the bar trannies , who would frankly frighten the crows from your Aunts garden as my old grannie would say**.

Plaudits for the party atmosphere (probably helped by Mr C's Jugs of Dog Bollocks Cocktails) and the buffet came a tumbling in as the drunken revellers stumbled off into the bright new dawn and the cast and crew of Cafe C dragged their aching bodies off to their respective beds.
And so begins another week....................
** Not really ,the 'girls' were glamour personified

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO