Saturday, 21 October 2017


Yes OK its a whimsical picture of some sort of household pet , tho why someone would invite something that looks like Trumps hairpeace into their home  is beyond me. I don't care. Bite me
Storm Brian rolled in this morning , following almost hysterical coverage on all news channels .
There was wind , There was torrential rain . While I was trying to load the booze For CafĂ© C into my car at the wholesaler it did both. I was wet to me pants. (for the benefit of our colonial and oversea readers , pants are  undergarments not trousers .You will note I steered clear of the boot/trunk silliness. No wonder the US political system is in such a mess..... just sayin)
I other news here is a leaked photo of Miss Scarlet annoying some farm animals.
Everyone needs a hobby people . Don't judge

Thursday, 19 October 2017


Twas Christmas Eve last year . The telephone rang. A very worst for wear Mr C was calling for emergency assistance due to accidentally going out partying the night before he was left with a killer hangover and no Christmas gifts to present to Ma C and the gathered throng at Christmas lunch. Pleas of being busy and having prior engagements were brushed aside and  I was to collect him immediately and chauffer him around shopping .Think of the poor disappointed children and not myself Beast I was admonished.  .
Having loaded a groaning Mr C into the car and suffered a 30 minute lecture on my driving , amongst the moaning , groaning and ridiculous protestations of I am never drinking again we finally arrived at a well know retail emporium.
Mr C grabbed a trolley and crept off muttering and wincing in the general direction of the childrens toys. He blundered round the corner of the aisle straight into a very large display stand of DVD's , CD's and various other items of Harry Potter crapola . The whole lot went over with a very large crash scattering merchandise everywhere .Shop assistants and rubber necking shoppers rushed from every direction.
I was just thinking OMG .
Just as the the crowd all skidded to a halt at the sight of festive devistation Mr C as quick as a flash (hang over my ass) announced loudly . "
" Iam so sorry , its my friend , he has just been allowed out of hospital for Christmas . He has a brain Tumour " . He then scanned the crown and hammered home the point with " A BRAIN TUMOUR . At this point there was an audible collective gasp and a general clutching of pearls. All eyes swivelled it my direction.
I thought OMG and must have looked thoroughly wretched .
Mr C who was not to be stopped then chimed in with "frankly the poor soul doesn't know where he is"
Everybody sighed
I thought OMFG , and then thought well I had better start picking the bloody stuff up .
As I picked up the first few items a little girly , must have only been about 12 and on her first Christmas job came up to me and put a kindly hand on my arm and said in a very soft voice " Don't you worry Sir , we will pick them up for you , you run along and have a lovely Christmas"
She then made shooing motions , with "Off you go".
Mr C had scarpered off at speed with the trolley .
I was fucking mortified .
When I finally caught up with Mr C who as lurking in home baking , giggling away to himself .
I protested!
I was told , shame on me for playing the brain tumour card and I needed to transport him to a more upmarket emporium immediately as I had publically embarrassed him and he could never shop here again .
With this he magestically exited the store like a battleship in full sail.
Wanker !

Wednesday, 18 October 2017


It all started with high blood pressure (spectacularly high) and my left eye going a bit blurry .
Doctors for blood pressure. Doctor asked innocently are you going back to work after this appointment . I said Oh Yes . Doctor said ...actually no , you must take this letter to accident and emergency . kept in for observation over night (Except I left at 10 pm pleading the case that the old boy in the bed opposite continually ripping his PJ's off and dancing about buck nekkid was not doing my blood pressure any good) . I had to promise to be back at 7 am for a barrage of inconclusive tests and eventual blood pressure meds ....... so far so good .

Went for an eye test as I thought my prescription had obviously changed only to be sent straight to the eye hospital as I was steadily losing all the peripheral sight in the left eye. - tests inconclusive

Tests came back  , had protein in my urine so sent to Urology consultant. Now on the whole all the consultants ,  nurses and doctors at Dorset County and Southampton general have been wonderful , friendly and efficient people . Urology in their entirety that I have had the misfortune to meet have been vile . Pa Beasty is of the opinion that anyone who spends their professional life peering up deseases dangling bits is bound to be crabby. The first consultant was blantantly in a foul mood when I went in . She barked at me SIT .
I said I beg your pardon  . She then grumpily looked at my notes and test results and said . Blood in Urine? . I said Sorry ?  She then screwed up her face and did a big sigh and said once again for the hard of hearing and the infirm! have you, sweetheart, got blood dripping out of your dick!!!
I said (Rather forcefully) I BEG YOUR FUCKING PARDON ??? and glared at her.
The rest of the consultation was somewhat awkward and another barrage of scans were booked (All inconclusive.
Now this all wandered on for a year my eyesight was fading fast in my left eye and my blood pressure was marginally in control . Eventually a very funny consultant at the eye hospital suggested a brain scan as they couldn't find any other reason for the problems .
Brain scan done and heard nothing for two months which everybody agreed was good news , otherwise , popular opinion said , I would have been hoiked back in pretty sharply .
First appiontment after the scan was a follow up with urology.
The consultant was eastern European of some stripe and didn't speak very good English .
When I sat down , he looked at me and said what are you doing here , we don't need to see you anymore (and looked a bit confused)
I said , Oh why is that were all the tests ok .
He said , no its because you have something growing in your head , you had a scan yes???
I was gobsmacked , I said are you saying I have a brain tumour ???
He said , (Looking rather irritated) Well I don't know I am not an expert !
I was thinking WTF , WTFF.
I said , Is it likely to be aggressive .
He said , Well you would be dead by now if it was
and that concluded the appointment . I was horrified , so when I got out I phoned Pa Beasty .
He said , How did it go ??
I said not very well , I think he just told me I had a brain tumour .
He then shouted out A BRAIN TUMOUR ! I heard Ma Beasty squawk in the background , there was a scuffle and Ma Beasty snatched the Phone .
She said , whats going on , the silly old fool just said you have a BRAIN TUMOUR .
I told her what had happened . She then started shouting at Pa Beasty, Allan its a BRAIN TUMOUR . There then followed about 10 minutes of Ma and a Beasty shouting BRAIN TUMOUR at each other like the other one didn't understand what they were saying .
This was a theme of the next lot of conversations to be had .
Got hold of Mr C and James who were just boarding a flight to some far flung destination . same result . Everybody (but me ) shouting BRAIN TUMOUR at each other , god knows what they thought in the first class lounge .
Crashed the management meeting at work  as after seeing a consultant who could speak English and knew what he was talking about the next day had booked me in for an operation the next week to remove it (Had to dash to Southampton an hour away to have an emergency consultation with a gore besplattered surgeon who popped out of the operating theatre to see me) , I would need emergency time off .
Picture the scene . My fellow floor supervisors and our managers trying to stay awake during a routine meeting , suddenly the door crashes open , A hyped up Beast storms in , shouts I need time off next week as I have a Brain Tumour.....Collective gasp!.... then everyone starts shouting BRAIN TUMOUR again. I bet Joan Collins(mistress of the Dynasty dramatic pronouncement) doesn't have to put up with this shit!.
Upshot of all this excitement was . Mr C flying back as he wouldn't let me go for the opp on my own.
The night before the opp an endocrine consultant phoned my and told me the result of all the tests meant they didn't need to opperate as the type of tumour I had was treatable with tablets in the first instance(Very successfully) and I was very lucky ...if it works .
By this stage I didn't know what to think . Mr C was not amused as he had cut his holiday short and just landed after a 14 hour flight. Soz ! :-)

Now during all of this I did start getting blood in my urine , so had to toddle back to the doctors and an endoscopy was booked . Not the greatest of procedures , having a camera stuffed up your bits , but it was confirmed I had bladder cancer . I could have just sat down on the pavement outside the hospital and cried .
Two opps later and a cheeky in bladder shot of chemo everything was sorted .
Just had the first year tests for both the tumour and the bladder cancer .
Tumour has shrank massively . My eyesight has recovered (The tumour was squeezing the optic nerve) . The very jolly consultant kept poking me, giggling and saying , you look so muchto better . He did tell me that as the tumour was so massive (A real whopper he giggled and prodded me again) I will have to take the tablets for the rest of my life . Apparently whatever this gland secretes normally has a level of 40 somethings in the blood , apparently my level when they first saw me was 40,000 whatevers . Imagine that he said . I said I didn't need to imagine it I felt like shit (More giggling)
The level is now down to 17 . He was obviously very pleased by this . Beast was star patient for a second . Give Beast a balloon!
Bladder cancer all clear , no reoccurrence and the opp wound had healed so well they had trouble finding it .

So gentle reader all is currently well , I feel back to normal and nothing is imminently about drop off or explode .
Mr C is as irascible as ever!

Poor old Alfie and Lloydilicious have both passed on and I miss them greatly but Mr C now has the gorgeous Toby a beautiful Belgian shepeard  , Wolf dog cross . Very boisterous but a real cuddle monster  .
I will be catching up with you all in your comments sections shortly .
Toodle Pip

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO