Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Shaved Pussy

W T F indeed , I hear you cry.
The Beast publishing pornographic pictures of shaven havens

As if.... you filthy lot , thats what MJ is for , its something even more exciting

Bored with a lazy do nothing cat.What bloody use are they , slouching about , all arrogance and fleas......Wait till the tiresome little blighter settles down for its 15th nap of the day and then set about it with the hair clippers.
Ha !Lets see you try and pull off cool feline grace now tiddles....

On another note , something is croaking in my water fe ature. Aha a frog I thought, but Miss First Nations has been reading her back catalog of X Files comics and cautions me its more likely to be a mutant Alien face hugging thing , thats trying to lure me out into the garden and leap upon me , cover me in intergalactic snot ,thrust its rampant slimey proboscis down my throat and impregnate me with alien eggs and goo and stuff *.Where upon I will burst open at lunch next day , showering my co workers with half chewed lasagne , intestines and loads of icky alien spawn**.

My question : Is this justification for a day off sick and what shall I write on the sick form ??

* Sounds like a night out with Piggy , Tazzy and MJ

** The Staff canteen Lasagne being what it is , no one may notice the difference

Monday, 25 February 2008


This picture was waiting in the Beast's inbox this morning.
Which of our blogging chums could it be ?

I have my own suspicions !

Thursday, 21 February 2008


Last night was Brits Music Award night....Yippeee.

The show was opened by irritating and squeaky Mika.His opening set was like watching Attention Defecit Hyperactivity Disorder set to music. He squeaked , he minced and I for one would like to slap the blighter until he stops.

The Rest of the show was ok , hosted by the entire Osbourne Family , altho dissapiontingly Ozzy was only shambling about for about two minutes , fluffing his lines and looking in totally the wrong direction....THATS WHAT WE CAME TO SEE , ther should have been more of it.

One of the highlights was Amy Winehouse's 'released from rehab' performances both as a guest slot in Mark Ronsons set and doing her own thing. The girl just has presence , from the improbably large and messy beehive , to the impossibly stick thin legs that look like they could snap at any moment , the 'I want to go to the toilet RIGHT NOW' dancing, to the fantastically rich and quirky voice

Undoutabley as Mr Gaskins has stated , she looks like she smells of piss , but the girl is a star . There were other performances the most notable were Rihana and the klaxons, Kylie and Leona Lewis. Mark Ronson did a great set and bizzarely won the Solo Male award even tho he arranges and produces rather than sings

My biggest bugbear about the whole thing , was wheeling out Paul McCartney for the closing set...... the man is 900 years old and as boring as hell , I know he has had a lot of simpering press coverage because he married old hoppity , but he is hardly relevant musically these days , and hasn't been for years.

Monday, 18 February 2008


Well what a weekend . I was supposed to be venturing out on Saturday for a reconocance mission to the soon to be Cafe C. Sadly it was not to be, as Mr C was lured out , by the pair on the left , for a Friday night of wild partying and didnt surface till late afternoon on Saturday with a horrible hangover.
Dont you just hate it when that happens.

Sunday. I scampered up to Mr C's for a mysterious mission(How Exciting). Unfortunatley on my arrival I bent down to stroke little Lloyd , something twanged in my back , and I had to spend the rest of the day shambling about like Quasimodo , not being able to sit , stand up or walk properley.
Still the Beast is made of sterner stuff and still manfully accepted my brief to infiltrate the Sunday coffee meeting of the notorius Dorset Poofs and cause a diversion while Mr C sweet talked the organiser and secure the futur business for Cafe C.
So up we pitched . We were met at the door by 'the organiser' , all puffed up and pleased with himself and dead smarmy(Lady Bountiful syndrome). I was grabbed , releaved of a pound for 'administration' purposes (Did I realise how much organising this modest little gathering took) , a name tag was slapped on my chest and I was dismissivley shoved into a room clutching a cup of coffee and told to 'mingle'

Well ,I took one look at this lot , eyeing me up in a very lavicious and predatory manner..I may have imagined the reptilian hissss of Yum Yum fresh meat was hard to tell over the lustfull grinding of dentures and the impassioned click of replacement hips.

I scarpered straight out the back door.
As I slammed the door , breathing a misplaced sigh of relief , as I suddenly realised I had blundered into the Lair of the Separatist Lesbians. A frosty silence ensued , as they glared at me .Trying of remember my 'what to do if attacked by an enraged dog' training . The only thing that occured to me is one shouldn't make any sudden moves , so I nonchalantly sipped my coffee and edged back towards the door .Luckily his business concluded Mr C appeared and rescued me at that point and we made a run for it (well more of a hunched shamble in my case).

It was then off home to gobble handfulls of pills and stuff a hot water bottle down the back of my trousers to ease my tortured spine as I lay sobbing on my bed of pain.

Wednesday, 13 February 2008


Beast is taking a short blogging break .

No particular reason , just brain not in gear at present.

So behave yourselves and I will be back shortly

Saturday, 9 February 2008


After repeated requests from our colonial cousin Miss MJ I have relented and taken a picture of my ass .
The ass is called Halibut and lives a quiet life in the gardens of the Beasts Lair , being shy and retiring by nature he hopes his new found internet fame will not lead to hordes of fans hounding him daily for a hoof print. Who would have thought miss MJ was a nature lover

Not only a nature lover, Miss MJ also has a lively interest in meditaranean food , why else would she be begging for a photograph of my 'kebab'.
Well here it is you canuck minx a fine peace of meat for you to feast your eyes on

Wednesday, 6 February 2008


While we expect todays techno gadgets to be of robust build for a reasonable price , and on the whole they are . I must applaud Acer as their bargain laptop managed to last nearly 2 years at the hands of Mr C. Finally , yesterday the poor thing gave up the heroic struggle and sank beneath the encroaching flood of dodgy websites.A fizzle , a puff of smoke and a waft of kippers and the Acer is no more.Following a frenzied shopping trip to find a replacement my mind turns to a suitable Viking style funeral for the much loved , dearly departed.Floated out to sea on a burning pile of 1970's porn mags I feel would be appropriate
***brushes away a tear***

Anyway , yesterday was pancake day . Mr Natemare pinched my Pancake Party format to celebrate the occasion .
You supply batter , a couple of frying pans and a selection of sweet and savoury fillings .Your guests bring drink and any unusualy fillings they fancy. Everyone mills about making their own pancakes and getting drunk , the pancake cooking and tossing get messier and less coordinated as time goes on , and the filling combinations get wilder and more stomach churning.We were drinking Martini Cocktails that were as far as I could tell ,pure gin , so you can imagine how quickly it became raucous.
It was great fun , but one word of caution.....the trick is to send everyone home before someone throws up.After all that culinary abuse and alchohol , once one of the blighters honks , you would suddenly be awash in an excorcist stylee vomit fest.
You have been warned

Saturday, 2 February 2008


Its been a whirlwind kinda week. On top of the normal grind of work , gym , cooking , shopping etc I have been beavering away with our very own Enfant Terrible Mr Cuntt, finalising his master plan to take the catering world by storm.

Does this describe your usual 'dining out' experience.
Well , do we have the answer to your prayers .
Oh yes!
Presenting for your delectation and delight.......


If your looking for 'Nouvelle Cuisine' , sparrow's bollock sized dinners , drizzled with this , served on a bed of that, and scattered with shavings of the other.....
You can fuck right off.
Cafe La C specialises in LARGE PORTIONS

Yes Madam , Given 'mine host' is the redoubtable Brunette Bombshell Mr C , asking to see the chefs 'Specials' , may lead to sleepless nights.
Mr C's Jumbo sausage in cider (gedditttt????) has brought a smile to many a discerning customer's lips

Fresh Crabs Anyone ?????

Beastbite would like to wish Mr C all the best with this exciting project.
Eating out in Dorset may never be the same again !

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO