Thursday, 30 August 2012

CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GOD AWEFULNESS


As Miss MJ prepared to launch the Infomaniac Personal Housekeeping Experience.
The lovely Gruchenka invites you to imagine her gently carressing your  sanded wood with her moistened mop or flitting about polishing your nic nacks and knobs.
You have to admit gentle reader this new offering from the House of Infomaniac is practically selling itself

***retires to lie down in a darkened room***

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

The Pelicans Brief(s)

We all love a legal thriller . John Grisham's sales figures will attest to that .
Well dear reader we are lucky enough to have one brewing on our  very doorstep.

Fellow Blogger Miss Scarlet has been having a ghastly time with a recent property deal gone bad , which I am sure she will be blogging about shortly .
During all this fuss and bother Miss Scarlet finally stamped a dainty foot and vowed 'to go legal' .
Great legal minds were engaged ......
Briefs were posted.....
Apologies for sending underwear were mailed...
Arguments were contructed....
Legal precedents were researched
Paralegals scampered
Wigs were straightened
Then Miss Scarlet got in a bit of a muddle
Finally the crack legal team ....cracked.
The upshot of all palaver is, writs are flying everywhere .
Miss Scarlet is simultaniously
Firstly Suing Mr C for a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

  An unremembered  marraige has come as a bit of a shock to Mr C  , this is probably becuase it never         happened , but lets face it after a drunken night of cavorting  at Cafe C and supping of the nectar from Mr C's magic shot bottle , anything however unlikely probably sounded like a good idea at the time .

Mr C is contesting on  grounds that 'What happens in Cafe C , stays in Cafe C' and has hastily  faked   produced a confession in Miss Scarlets own fair hand that he hopes will settle the matter


Secondly Slapping a restraining order on Mr Frobisher for harrassment and lude displays in public.

    There will be no contesting this one if anyone  on the jury  has seen Mavis Boyle Live at Cafe C .

Lastly Issued a stiffly worded Solicitors letter , berating our poor Beasty on the unsanitory state of his bed linen. to whit 'The Stinky Duvet'.
     Bloody cheek!

How dear reader would John Grisham weave together the strands of this ridiculous story and how would he satisfactorily bring us to the climax that we so deserve !


Heres hoping Miss Scarlet is now safe and sound and settled in her home , the whole ghastly business is behind her and she will be back blogging shortly

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

OLD DOGS NEW TRICKS

What has been happening in the World of Beast ? well settle down dear reader and I will tell you .

Obviously with Weymouth  a mere 8 miles from Dorchester being the venue for the  sailing events , Olympic fever has the whole area in its grip . We have endured 2 years of traffic chaos while they dig up every damn road for miles around . We have  a rubbish Olympic laser show on the seafront , more palm trees than you can shake a stick at and a multitude of international flags festooned across the entire area .
Finally after all this fuss and nonsense the Olympic Torch arrived in Weymouth on its way to the opening ceremony at the London Olympic Stadium   in a couple of weeks time.
On the evening the torch was due to rest in Weymouth overnight , Mr C was invited as guest of honour to the opening party for a new local hostelry. The champagne was flowing and Mr C remembers nothing from 10 pm till he woke up in his bed at 5 pm the next evening. With blinding hangover and  trembling hands he opened his Facebook page to be confronted with  this 

WHAT WE KNOW
a.from the timing on the picture it was 5 am.
b. Mr C was completely wankered.
c. from the background it is Weymouth Beach.
WHAT WE DO NOT KNOW
a.how a drunken Mr C  got to Weymouth and back again
b. got hold of the Torch.
c.How the organisers got it back (Which they must have done as it arrived in Bournemouth the following evening....or was it a spare ???)

Answers to any of these mysteries on a postcard please.
Mr C will be keeping a legendary low profile for fear of ending up in the Tower .


Moving swiftly on
Frobisher has finally killed off his Alter Ego Mavis Boyle and has restyled himself as a Gentleman Disc Jockey for Cafe C's celebrated Saturday Nights.
Frobishers evenings generally commence with a well mannered  easy listening fest , the lighting is muted , the smoke machine is allowed a mere wisp.Frobisher is known to demand anyone having too much fun to be removed from the building and flogged by the burly doorstaff as an example to Broken Britain

This sedated scenario seldom lasts long as Mr C and his magic shot bottle get the better of our mannered master mixer . By midnight the cable knit cardie is hanging off the disco ball , the lasers are sizzling , the smoke is as thick as  pea soup ,  a howling Frobisher is gyrating behind the decks grinding out what I believe the youth of today call "banging tunes"
By 4 am   as Mr C finally is forced to switch the power off , the doormen are instructed to drag  a ruined Frobisher upstairs and dump him on his bed of shame



It is said that one should never look a gift horse in the mouth but they forgot to mention to keep your eyes on Mr C waving a bottle.......it always ends in wayward behaviour , partial nudity , bad language and  a crippling hangover ...... just ask poor Miss Scarlet.

And what of Miss Scarlet I hear you ask . Rumours abound that she has been spotted dancing a wild fandango in the flesh pots of Budlieh Salterton


She denies it of course . ..but then one would wouldn't one!
but it has to be said that it looks suspiciously like Miss MJ and the infomaniac dancers making free with the net curtains in the background of this photo.
I will leave you dear reader to marshall the available facts and cast your vote where you will
TTFN ;-)

Thursday, 21 June 2012

A ROOM WITH A VIEW

A story in ThePoke (an online rag) tickled my fancy  and confirmed my belief in the good manners and chirpy optimism of the British Public .

It concerns a gentleman living in an apartment complex in Peckham , South London.He likes nothing better than settling down of an evening for a porn marathon on his 42" TV (Obviously an Infomaniac reader) .
Sadly he does not close his curtains ,  this hardcore smut fest is clearly visible to 40 or so of the other residents.
The residents ascociation are at a loss as to how to raise this issue without causing offence.
One resident was reported as saying 
"luckily he does'nt leave the light on as the sight of him tugging away everynight could make cooking dinner in my kitchen almost impossible but I did notice him fast forwarding through a particularly brutal fisting scene so the man obviously isnt a complete animal" !

In other news :
With Summer finally upon us Miss Scarlet has informed me that she is expecting everyones full support in her quest for a prize at The Bridport Country Fair .
She is entering what she describes as a 'truly hilarious Parsnip' in the Obscene Vegetables Competition and has been  training hard for the How Many Vegetables can you stuff down your Pantyhose Event.
A note of caution dear reader . Simmering rivalries and root vegetables can be an explosive mix and  Of course it will all end in tears and possibly a fight if Mr Frobisher kicks off .

Lastly Mr C has recently been recieving death threats, this is only newsworthy as for once they are not from me !

Sunday, 8 January 2012

A RARE SIGHTING ????

Greetings dear reader , I will leave you to decide wether this is a genuine photo of  reclusive canadian blogging floozy Miss MJ .
Remember my lovelies The Truth is Out There!

About Me

My photo
Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO