Thursday, 31 December 2009
Beast will be churning out a luxury buffet for 20 . That frightful old lovey Frobisher will be hamming it up on Stage reprising his role in the hit of the Xmas Season "Crap Bingo with Mavis" .
Mr C will be festering in a corner somewhere nursing a glass of Malibu and working on tomorrows hangover , making occasional forays into the kitchen to lambast poor Beast.
James will be delighting our guests with his hot and spicey chipolatas and firecracker prawn balls(He is seldom without pain , poor thing).
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL
PS : Isn't Miss MJ looking well :-)
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
Sunday, 13 December 2009
Monday, 7 December 2009
Ho! Ho! Ho!
The Cafe C Christmas Revels have begun.
I will be up to my neck in gibblets , horror and shame for the next two weeks and likely not be about on the blogs very much.
Have a very happy ,wild and safe party season and I look forward to catching up with you all soon :-)
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Friday night was the Dorchester Christmas Cracker fundraiser . The Dinner Ladies (a local band not the usual pile of tits and attitude found behind the canteen counter) were headlining the Cafe C stage supported by our beloved Frobisher reprising his glittering cabaret show Crap Bingo with Mavis
Friday morning dawned and the distressing news reached a nervous Mr C that Frobisher was Ill.
Possibly too ill to perform
But being the leathery old trouper that he is ,wild horses and a dropped lung wouldn't keep a terrible old lovey like Frobisher from that stage .
Pictured left: an ailing Frobisher is airlifted into Cafe C determined that he would not disappoint his
army of fans fan .
It all turned out rather well , Frobisher strutted , preened and even called the correct numbers (lesson learned , keep the gin bottled locked away until after Frobishers set) .
The dinner ladies did a rollicking couple of sets , then sadly fell foul of Mr C's cocktails , went all rock and roll and started smashing up their instruments in a frenzy of over excitement and in the blink of an eye it was chucking out time as the merry revellers were turfed out in the street with Mr C's jovial farewell of LEAVE NOW OR I WILL SET THE DOGS ON YOU .
Saturday night we did it all again , minus Frobisher who had taken to his bed with a fit of the vapours :-)
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
The Beastmobile is in the garage AGAIN. That will teach me to park by the chip shop where local Dorset beauties like the lovely Paprika hang out guzzling saveloy and chips en route for the Saturday 'Pull a Pig' night at elegant local nitespot The Fire Station .
Hopefully the problem will be fixed before Fridays Dorchester Christmas Cracker Fund Raiser hosted by Cafe C , featuring some woman who sang on the BBC.... Mr C can't remember her name , but she's famous...apparently!
I shall update you on our imminent brush with celebrity as and when someone remembers who she is !
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
Why not try the fascinating photo essay reviews featuring
Fine Dining at its best.
Dorchesters finest eating experience
THE HORSE WITH THE RED
The Horse with the Red Umbrella.
Corner of Saintly Lane and Lower Colon Street
Frankly the horse would taste better!
Lower Colon Street
(end of Cafe C's Back Passage)
Nasty afterTaste more like!
Now lets finish with a fascinating glimpse of ecstatic diners enjoying Cafe C's famous 'Grab a Tranny' Night
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
As December fast approaches , Cafe C is booked solid with christmas parties.
It is likely Myself , James , Frobisher and Mr C will go completely bats by Christmas . I will only be posting as and when , to keep you updated on the wacky kitchen antics and the inevitable slide into insanity and exhaustion that will ensue . I am already jolting awake in the wee small hours plagued by nightmares of insufficient portions and under cooked carrots.
So prepare yourselves for a whole month of 'highly hilarious' pictures just like the one above , as any spare time I have I will be rocking and dribbling in the corner while I babble about the state of my stuffing balls
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
A stalwart of the Cafe C menu is the glorious Oven Roasted Med Veg .
You can have it hot and fresh from the oven prehaps served with rice , bacon and a dusting of grated cheese , or maybe some sausages(vegetarian if you must) . chilled in the fridge it will happily last for three days and can be re heated and served atop a jacket potato , added to soup or any dish you fancy slapping it in , add to sandwiches , wraps or baguettes with cheese or cold meat .Spoon it into your underwear.Dance semi clad round the dining table splattering your loved ones with steaming gobbets of this flavoursome comestible . Fill the bath with the damn stuff and romp nekkid with a few like minded friends for all I care.
I wash my hands of the filthy minded lot of you and your disgusting vegetable related shenanigans .
Against my better judgement here's the Recipe:
Chop up the following
Aubergine (Egg plant)
1 or 2 cloves of garlic
To this basic mix you can add any other veg you have to hand including stuff like cucumber.Your aiming for lots of colour , texture and flavour
Season , slap in an oven proof dish/roasting tin and mix well with a good slurp of olive oil.
Roast in a medium oven for 40 to 60 minutes stirring occasionally.
Sunday, 8 November 2009
Saturday evening is the end of a punishing 6 day work week at Cafe C .
<<<<<<< By 9 pm after a few Malibu and cokes , a tired and emotional Mr C usually looks like this.
This week however was different ,Saturday evening was the Birthday dinner for legendary local Tranny , Charity , hosted by Cafe C.
Beast was cooking , Frobisher was in charge of glamorising the plates where he can be happily left muttering and twitching with his latest obsession with julienne of carrot and radish shavings without mishap.
James had front of house spruced and gleaming and was fending off three flirting and squealing middle aged harpies who were finalising arrangements for their party in January . As Frobisher remarked bitterly he is like catnip to women of a certain age.
Mr C had decided to 'drag up' in honour of Birthday 'girl' Charity and made his grand entrance , this certainly dampened the ardour of the trio of menopausal hags , who soon hastily departed screaming into the night .
Crikey what a sight ! how to best describe Mr C in drag .... I think a review of a stage appearance of actress Diana Rigg best gives you feel for the apparition .
Miss Rigg in her younger years was the lithesome and sexy Emma Peel in the cult 60's TV show the Avengers , but became rather stocky in her middle years . The review unkindly commented that Miss Rigg was built like a brick shithouse with insufficient buttresses
Bearing this in mind , the Beast has scoured the interwebs to find a picture that best conveys the essence of "Miss C"
Myself and Frobisher were a little put out as the hours we spent slaving over a hot stove ( in my case) and a shaved radish (in Frobishers) ,were probably in vain as the shocking site of mien host was bound to make anyone bilious from the get go .
When faced with a traumatising sight , drinking to forget is not a strategy the Beast would generally support . However on this occasion ,it certainly put the takings up on the bar as the hapless diners scrambled for oblivion :-)
Friday, 6 November 2009
Its Bonfire weekend in the UK where we celebrate an assassination attempt on the whole English parliament by silly old Guy Fawkes by burning him in effigy ,burning other stuff , letting off fireworks and pigging out .
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
It was a Halloween full moon.
No! not that kind , this isn't Infomaniac
Cafe C was warming up for a 40Th birthday party for 40 guests . Buffet , drinkin and dancin. With all that spooky lunar energy slopping about everyone was all a twitter and literally anything could happen , there was even a whiff of an appearance by Frobisher on the grapevine.
The last we had seen of Frobisher was his Surprise Birthday Party and a recent fleeting scurrilous attack on poor Beasts macho mojo on that pitiful rag Frobishers Fun Pages(If I could do a link I would , but I can't so tough titties). I expect Frobisher is desperately hoping a little of the glamour that epitomises Beastbites would rub off.
Anyway Frobisher eventually appeared wearing a full anti contamination suit and gas mask , I have no idea why , subtle social comment perhaps or just hiding a recent tragic haircut
However on this occasion we will swiftly gloss over the bar trannies , who would frankly frighten the crows from your Aunts garden as my old grannie would say**.
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Monday, 26 October 2009
Friday, 23 October 2009
Monday, 19 October 2009
It came to pass that the Beast went to church .
Some of the congregation were doing the one hand to heaven thing as detailed by Miss First Nations(we theorised that it improves heavenly reception like a TV Ariel) , there were Amens and hallelujahs a plenty , Dancing lesbians , transvestites singing baritone ,earnest readings and heartfelt testaments.
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Beast was getting 10 minute telephone updates as to his latest symptoms and ludicrous staffing situation (They were dropping like flies with real and imagined ailments....one waitress was off for two weeks with what turned out to be an imaginary appendectomy)
The Beast however has manfully resisted the germ infested hordes and remained stoically healthy. Unfortunately, there lies my downfall , I could have done with a few days in bed , dossing about eating donuts. I am a fool to myself !.
What imaginary illnesses have you bunch of slackers used as excuses in the past ???
Thursday, 8 October 2009
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
Friday, 2 October 2009
Monday, 28 September 2009
You may wish to ponder why its such a surprise as we have one EVERY year , however Frobi seemed to be oblivious as I chauffeured him to Cafe C where the gathering throng were hiding in the garden shushing each other and tittering as all surprise guests do.
Frobisher was carping all the way there that at his age all he wanted was a nice quite birthday dinner and perhaps a celebratory cup of cocoa before retiring early for the night , and should he be spared , maybe a gentle constitutional and a nice rest would set him up for the next year .
Predictably on being 'surprised' , opening a mountain of presents and hitting the cocktails , all those gentle plans were soon forgotten and he was off making lewd suggestions to the bar staff , cavorting with the drag act , screaming like a girl and dragging strange women in off the street to partner his frenzied dirty dancing.
You can just imagine the final result
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
The Beast can report this is not always the case .
Last night dear reader , the agent of my undoing was the humble carrot.
The Beast is an avid reader of Blogging lifestyle Guru Miss MJ and lives by her maxim that Less is more .
Miss MJ usually demonstrates this ethos using wall to wall pictures of saggy old men wearing very few clothes .
Following a bollocking of biblical proportions viz a viz insufficient portions from Dorchesters favourite restaurateur Mr C .
The Beast now realises that as Miss Fiona Funbags admirably demonstrates that while less is more when applied to clothing that more is better applies to most other things.
Monday, 21 September 2009
When Miss Scarlet recently fanny farted in my comments lounge
Was she perhaps hinting at this biography
Is the ginger hair another subtle clue
Has a cake been 'airbrushed' from the jacket picture
Has anyone ever seen Miss Scarlet , Miss MJ and Mr Frobisher in the same room
Has Donn ever categorically denied he is the love child of Old Knudsen and Nancy Reagan
Why do Mr C and Frobisher keep Beast locked away in the kitchen like a modern day Cinderella
What is Miss First Nations doing on her hiatus
I leave you gentle reader to theorise as to the most obvious answers to these perplexing questions
Monday, 14 September 2009
Wednesday, 9 September 2009
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Kieth , exhausted from minutes of frenzied Napkin folding tries desperatly to take a short nap , His plans are foiled by a fretting Frobisher having a Pre Love Parade wardrobe dilemma
'Can I run in slingbacks?????'
'Are gold hotpants , a gas mask and nipple clamps just too much????' ,
Apologies for not posting for a bit , in mitigation , last Sunday was The Dorchester Love Parade hosted and organised by Mr C/Cafe C .
Understandably this involved a lot of stress , preparation , work and clean up .All involved are completely knackered .
Beast will be posting his take on the event shortly (Grins evilly)
If however you feel the need for the 'truth' , search For the Dorset Echo once you are on thier site then search for Dorchester Love Parade , you can read their articles on the event .
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Sunday, 23 August 2009
Friday, 21 August 2009
The Cafe C kitchen has a leaking tap. This has been driving me insane for months .
Here is Beast's easy to follow ,step by step guide to how to remedy the situation , specially adapted for the hard of hearing and the infirm
1. Pick up the telephone
2.Call a plumber
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
The Beastmobile finally gave up the ghost and I had to be towed home with a banjaxed clutch.
I blame Mr C's canine familiar Lloyd , who ran away while on his walk and caused much racing up and down from the Beast's Lair to Dorchester to firstly join the midnight search party , then to go and spring Lloyd from Weymouth Goal where a kindly Lorry driver had dropped him off after finding the little blighter capering around on the A31 and causing a traffic jam at 6 oclock in the morning.
Of course the clutch went bang in the middle of a huge traffic jam so it took the recovery van flipping ages to come and get me .
Little Lloyd is sleeping off his big adventure.
The Beastmobile is now recieving the tender mercies of the local mechanic and hopefully will be restored to its former glory(a scratched ,chewed and dented , doghair filled heap) shortly
Friday, 14 August 2009
This car has put up with some terrible abuse over the years .
Mr C has borrowed in on numerous occasions , its usually delivered back looking like someone emptied the bins in it
Lloyd has chewed most of the fixtures and fittings at one time or another
Alfie has been sick in it.
Its been reversed into , keyed , shunted and still stalwartly flies backwards and forwards to Cafe C at least three times a week .
Now its making alarming squealing noises from the engine when you start it up and strange hicccups from the right hand rear wheel when you drive over 50 mph.
I will be checking it into the garage next week for a bit of TLC.
Lets hope it makes a speedy recovery :-(
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
The tight asses I work for have finally made us pay for the manky tea and coffee from the vending machines. I therefore decided to use the hot water facility and buy a sack of tea bags Sadly I didn't pay attention and bought 5 million Redbush tea bags.
Naturally caffeine free - no problem there
As hydrating as water - goody
Rich in antioxidants - fantastic
TASTES LIKE SHITE........
feck , they missed that one off the packaging :-(
While searching for a picture of REDBUSH teabags , you can just imagine 90% of the results
Monday, 3 August 2009
Teabaggingtastic is the only description for Beasts bulging meaty entrees , this could make the buffet go with a swing and bring a tear to the eye of many a hungry diner
One always likes ones comestibles to go with a bang!
careful where you poke your fork
Natures bounty never goes to waste at Cafe C . Admittedly one has to allow a little longer for the drive to work and remember to bring a shovel and a bucket .However I am sure Beasts medley of spatchocked badger and hedgehog will be a screaming success.
Just the thing to give that Delicious roadkill and authentic 'burning engine oil' finish
***drizzles nibbles with castrol GTX and a scattering of tyre shavings***
Sophistication and understated good taste are our watchwords at Cafe C , One will often hear Mr C wondering aloud when faced with a styling dilemma 'what would Liberace do??'
I think we all know the answer to that........
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