Thursday, 31 December 2009


Wishing you all  the New Years Eve you desire and a healthy and happy 2010.

Beast will be churning out a luxury buffet for 20 . That frightful old lovey Frobisher will be hamming it up on Stage reprising his role in the hit of the Xmas Season "Crap Bingo with Mavis" .
Mr C will be festering in a corner somewhere nursing a glass of Malibu and working on tomorrows hangover ,  making occasional forays into the kitchen to lambast poor Beast.
 James will be delighting our guests with his hot and spicey chipolatas and firecracker prawn balls(He is seldom without pain , poor thing).
PS : Isn't Miss MJ looking well :-)

Wednesday, 23 December 2009


After a gruelling month , the final slice of Christmas pudding has dissapeared through the doors of the Cafe C kitchen.
Its a Christmas miracle that myself , Mr C , James and Frobisher have all survived with out major incident  , mayhem or murder(the  sacking incident not with standing).

Beast will be taking a few days of rest and relaxation to recharge and enjoy some quality time with his potted plants , family and friends.

I am Wishing all my blogging chums a relaxing and enjoyable festive season . You have all been a joy and an inspiration to me over the past year and I will be quaffing a foaming tankard in your honour as soon as possible.

A Very Merry Christmas my lovelys

Sunday, 13 December 2009


Beast cops it !
In the midst of the Christmas party season at Cafe C , stress levels are at an all time high . Inevitably a tired and blundering Beast was gonna get it . Friday night , the meals were flying out the door and Mr C was like a man possessed . In the fray a less than perfect grape was placed on a cheese board and a cataclysmic explosion ensued . Accusations of a very impolite nature were bellowed ,questions relating to Beasts quality of vision , general dexterity , sanity and well just about everything else were debated in a brusque manner , culminating in the following scene.
After such ungentlemanly behavior , one could have been forgiven for doing a 'Frobisher Flounce' on the spot but Being a good old stoic Taurean , the Beast still finished the mound of washing up and cleaned up the kitchen before doing The Walk of Shame to my car :-(.
What did you get for Christmas Beast ???

Monday, 7 December 2009


Ho! Ho! Ho!

The Cafe C Christmas Revels have begun.

I will be up to my neck in gibblets , horror and shame for the next two weeks and likely not be about on the blogs very much.

Have a very happy ,wild and safe party season and I look forward to catching up with you all soon :-)

Tuesday, 1 December 2009


Another weekend has come and gone .

Friday night was the Dorchester Christmas Cracker fundraiser . The Dinner Ladies (a local band not the usual pile of tits and attitude found behind the canteen counter) were headlining the Cafe C stage supported by our beloved Frobisher reprising his glittering cabaret show Crap Bingo with Mavis
Friday morning dawned and the distressing news reached a nervous Mr C that Frobisher was Ill.
Possibly too ill to perform
But being the leathery old trouper that he is ,wild horses and a dropped lung wouldn't keep a terrible old lovey like Frobisher from that stage .

Pictured left: an ailing Frobisher is airlifted into Cafe C determined that he would not disappoint his army of fans fan .

It all turned out rather well , Frobisher strutted , preened and even called the correct numbers (lesson learned , keep the gin bottled locked away until after Frobishers set) .

The dinner ladies did a rollicking couple of sets , then sadly fell foul of Mr C's cocktails , went all rock and roll and started smashing up their instruments in a frenzy of over excitement and in the blink of an eye it was chucking out time as the merry revellers were turfed out in the street with Mr C's jovial farewell of LEAVE NOW OR I WILL SET THE DOGS ON YOU .

Saturday night we did it all again , minus Frobisher who had taken to his bed with a fit of the vapours :-)

Tuesday, 24 November 2009


The Beastmobile is in the garage AGAIN. That will teach me to park by the chip shop where local Dorset beauties like the lovely Paprika hang out guzzling saveloy and chips en route for the Saturday 'Pull a Pig' night at elegant local nitespot The Fire Station .
Hopefully the problem will be fixed before Fridays Dorchester Christmas Cracker Fund Raiser hosted by Cafe C , featuring some woman who sang on the BBC.... Mr C can't remember her name , but she's famous...apparently!

I shall update you on our imminent brush with celebrity as and when someone remembers who she is !

Wednesday, 18 November 2009


Looking for fine dining in Dorchester , Dorset
Why not try the fascinating photo essay reviews featuring totally fake genuine customers experiences at


Cafe C
Saintly lane

Fine Dining at its best.
Dorchesters finest eating experience


The Horse with the Red Umbrella.
Corner of Saintly Lane and Lower Colon Street

Frankly the horse would taste better!


Lower Colon Street
(end of Cafe C's Back Passage)

Nasty afterTaste more like!

Now lets finish with a fascinating glimpse of ecstatic diners enjoying Cafe C's famous 'Grab a Tranny' Night

Tuesday, 17 November 2009


As December fast approaches , Cafe C is booked solid with christmas parties.

It is likely Myself , James , Frobisher and Mr C will go completely bats by Christmas . I will only be posting as and when , to keep you updated on the wacky kitchen antics and the inevitable slide into insanity and exhaustion that will ensue . I am already jolting awake in the wee small hours plagued by nightmares of insufficient portions and under cooked carrots.

So prepare yourselves for a whole month of 'highly hilarious' pictures just like the one above , as any spare time I have I will be rocking and dribbling in the corner while I babble about the state of my stuffing balls

Wednesday, 11 November 2009


A stalwart of the Cafe C menu is the glorious Oven Roasted Med Veg .

You can have it hot and fresh from the oven prehaps served with rice , bacon and a dusting of grated cheese , or maybe some sausages(vegetarian if you must) . chilled in the fridge it will happily last for three days and can be re heated and served atop a jacket potato , added to soup or any dish you fancy slapping it in , add to sandwiches , wraps or baguettes with cheese or cold meat .Spoon it into your underwear.Dance semi clad round the dining table splattering your loved ones with steaming gobbets of this flavoursome comestible . Fill the bath with the damn stuff and romp nekkid with a few like minded friends for all I care.

I wash my hands of the filthy minded lot of you and your disgusting vegetable related shenanigans .

Against my better judgement here's the Recipe:

Chop up the following


Aubergine (Egg plant)

Courgette (Zucchini)




1 or 2 cloves of garlic


To this basic mix you can add any other veg you have to hand including stuff like cucumber.Your aiming for lots of colour , texture and flavour

Season , slap in an oven proof dish/roasting tin and mix well with a good slurp of olive oil.

Roast in a medium oven for 40 to 60 minutes stirring occasionally.

Sunday, 8 November 2009


Saturday evening is the end of a punishing 6 day work week at Cafe C .
<<<<<<< By 9 pm after a few Malibu and cokes , a tired and emotional Mr C usually looks like this.

This week however was different ,Saturday evening was the Birthday dinner for legendary local Tranny , Charity , hosted by Cafe C.

Beast was cooking , Frobisher was in charge of glamorising the plates where he can be happily left muttering and twitching with his latest obsession with julienne of carrot and radish shavings without mishap.

James had front of house spruced and gleaming and was fending off three flirting and squealing middle aged harpies who were finalising arrangements for their party in January . As Frobisher remarked bitterly he is like catnip to women of a certain age.
Mr C had decided to 'drag up' in honour of Birthday 'girl' Charity and made his grand entrance , this certainly dampened the ardour of the trio of menopausal hags , who soon hastily departed screaming into the night .
Crikey what a sight ! how to best describe Mr C in drag .... I think a review of a stage appearance of actress Diana Rigg best gives you feel for the apparition .
Miss Rigg in her younger years was the lithesome and sexy Emma Peel in the cult 60's TV show the Avengers , but became rather stocky in her middle years . The review unkindly commented that Miss Rigg was built like a brick shithouse with insufficient buttresses
Bearing this in mind , the Beast has scoured the interwebs to find a picture that best conveys the essence of "Miss C"

Myself and Frobisher were a little put out as the hours we spent slaving over a hot stove ( in my case) and a shaved radish (in Frobishers) ,were probably in vain as the shocking site of mien host was bound to make anyone bilious from the get go .
When faced with a traumatising sight , drinking to forget is not a strategy the Beast would generally support . However on this occasion ,it certainly put the takings up on the bar as the hapless diners scrambled for oblivion :-)

Friday, 6 November 2009


Its Bonfire weekend in the UK where we celebrate an assassination attempt on the whole English parliament by silly old Guy Fawkes by burning him in effigy ,burning other stuff , letting off fireworks and pigging out .
When we were kids this used to be great , making the guy by stuffing old clothes with newspaper ,collecting driftwood from the beach for the bonfire , building the bonfire in the back garden , going out with Pa Beasty to buy the fireworks the weekend before , Ma Beasty used to cook up a big old vat of a hearty winter soup , jacket potatoes with cheese , sausages and usually some sort of crappy bonfire themed cake.
Come the night it was usually tipping down with rain or blowing a gale . We would huddle in the garden , Pa Beasty would totter about and let off the fireworks (With varying degrees of success) , each firework was traditionally greeted with Oooh's/Ahhh's or hoots of derision and blowing of raspberries , then we would light the bonfire and spend the rest of the evening burning stuff or poking burning stuff with sticks and feasting (Which are three of the Beasts favourite pastimes) .
Nowadays we don't do Ma and Pa Beasties Bonfire spectacular since the neurotic old bag moved in next door and ends up having a screaming epi in her garden that we have upset her pussy , and neither myself or Mr C has enough back garden space to host such an event without sparking a conflagration that would wipe either Bournemouth or Dorchester off the map :-(.
We did however sneak off to a farmers field and let off some rockets the other night , but had to scarper quick in case the police or farmer came to investigate........which made it almost fun again.
Oh to be 6 again :-)))

Tuesday, 3 November 2009


It was a Halloween full moon.

No! not that kind , this isn't Infomaniac

This kind....silly.
Cafe C was warming up for a 40Th birthday party for 40 guests . Buffet , drinkin and dancin. With all that spooky lunar energy slopping about everyone was all a twitter and literally anything could happen , there was even a whiff of an appearance by Frobisher on the grapevine.

The last we had seen of Frobisher was his Surprise Birthday Party and a recent fleeting scurrilous attack on poor Beasts macho mojo on that pitiful rag Frobishers Fun Pages(If I could do a link I would , but I can't so tough titties). I expect Frobisher is desperately hoping a little of the glamour that epitomises Beastbites would rub off.
Anyway Frobisher eventually appeared wearing a full anti contamination suit and gas mask , I have no idea why , subtle social comment perhaps or just hiding a recent tragic haircut

Ever the diplomat , James gaped like a cod for just a second and then rallied marvellously with Do you know that colour suits you......and then scarpered fast with a handy tray of mini Yorkshire puddings , stuffed with a ) roasted sliver of beef(medium rare and a sumptuous frosting of horse radish mayonnaise.
A harried Mr C barked , Ignore him its just attention seeking and then made quarrelsome remarks about the portion control of my a masterful tomato salad (5 different types of tomato roughly chopped with a whisper of minced red onion and garlic , drizzled with an oregano , olive oil and white wine vinegar dressing).
Frobisher meanwhile stood disconsolately at the sink making grumbling farty noises thru his gas mask . An accord was eventually struck when Fobisher was allowed to call the bingo and a happy little kitchen crew , chopped , roasted , fried , drizzled and fluffed a magnificent buffet into existence.
Cafe C offers a choice of bar staff for party bookings , those looking for a little spice can opt for the glamorous option of a couple of trannies 'manning' the optics , it is surprisingly popular .

However on this occasion we will swiftly gloss over the bar trannies , who would frankly frighten the crows from your Aunts garden as my old grannie would say**.

Plaudits for the party atmosphere (probably helped by Mr C's Jugs of Dog Bollocks Cocktails) and the buffet came a tumbling in as the drunken revellers stumbled off into the bright new dawn and the cast and crew of Cafe C dragged their aching bodies off to their respective beds.
And so begins another week....................
** Not really ,the 'girls' were glamour personified

Wednesday, 28 October 2009


its still very warm here at the moment , it wont be long till we get that autumnal chill in the evening air .Its very evocative of childhood winter evenings snuggled up with Ma and Pa Beasty in front of a roaring log fire , toasting crumpets on a long ornate toasting fork , the gusting winds booming in the chimney , roaring in the trees and rattling the windows .It was evenings like this that Pa Beasty used to tell us stories , On particularly stormy nights it would be ghost stories , but normally it was stories about Pa Beasties own creation and our childhood hero Sausageops .In the very first story , Sausageops(A one eyed sausage) was discovered by three children(Me and my two brothers) on a Greek Island , and was first encountered escaping from cyclops and from then on lived in the forest that surrounds Pa Beasties French house and got up to all sorts of malarkey with the three boys and a cast of other characters.Sausageops was a selfish , gluttonous rather stupid little beast . every Sausageops story followed a similar course . Sausageops would be forced into an undesirable course of action by his greed and stupidity against the sage advice of the children , usually upsetting the Prince schmoozing plans of the dimwitted and vain princess and her unpleasant aunt (The witch) in the process . Sausageops always at some point falls into or drinks water by mistake .Being stuffed with breadcrumbs he will then swell up and explode.The children at this point usually have to find a genie or a wizard to magic the little blighter back together and deliver some strategic punishment before peace and goodwill are restored to all parties (Except the witch , who was traditionally left gnashing her hatred and vowing revenge on the little devil). Pa Beasty wrote all our favourite stories down and illustrated them .I to this day have a bound copy of the stories , a second edition was made changing the children's names for both sets of grandchildren .

Incidentally a good few years ago while the whole family was holidaying in France , my brother though it would be very funny to wait till the kids were out with Ma and Pa Beastie , open the shutters in the kids bedroom and prop a ladder up against the window , spill some water and breadcrumbs on the bedroom floor and hang a burst balloon skin from the beam above their beds.As the children were about 4 and 6 at the time and utterly convinced that sausageops was real and lived nearby the house , went absolutely hysterical on finding the evidence of his untimely demise without a wizard or genie in sight…….. I remember it took some finessing to get out of that one without causing childhood trauma.

Pa Beasty has since had a book of cartoons published (I think under the nom de plume of spyder look him up on Amazon) and was asked by the publisher if he had anything for the children's Christmas market .When he showed them The Adventures of Sausageops , the editor almost had an embolism at the thought of a 'one eyed sausage' character that befriended children and a whole host of politically incorrect characters. A bemused Pa Beasty could not understand why…….

how we laughed at my exasperated little brothers attempts to explain the possible connotations of a 'one eyed sausage' in this child molestation obsessed age , twas a memorable family dinner indeed

Always wear your best knickers if there is a chance of meeting a one eyed sausage

Monday, 26 October 2009


I woke up Sunday morning having had a marvellous nights sleep (with an extra hour as the clocks went back) .Sprang nekkid from beneath my delicately fragranced duvet , to greet the dawn and promptly fell flat on my face, in gut wrenching agony as my frigging knee is banjaxed AGAIN.
Altho Saturday night was Rubber Duck Cabaret Nite at Cafe C , I spent a fairly sedate evening in the kitchen , cooking and washing up , I didn't get drunk , I didn't indulge in frenzied dancing on tables and general carousing with Mr C and James , I closed down the kitchen , cleaned up and sneaked off home about half past 11 and had myself a reasonably early night . I have no idea what I did to my knee.
I spent Sunday hobbling about at home , making wincing noises like Sir Elt on his wedding night (Just thought I would infect you minds with that image so you can share in my pain.....there was probably also pillow biting!!!) and have spent the day hobbling around at work , being driven mad by stupid people asking
" Are you limping????"
I always reply
"NO!" as I blatantly drag my useless leg behind me on route for the coffee machine.
Every single one of them , looked slightly confused , and said said "Oh!" .
I often wonder how some of these people make it through the day

Friday, 23 October 2009


I bet you read the title , grabbed a wad of tissues , loosened you underwear and came scampering over here ready for a few moments of self administered 'stress relief'
Dont deny it .
I know you filthy devils so well.
Well now your here , adjust your clothing , wash your hands , stand up straight and as penance for your base behaviour The Beast is expecting a haiku stylee pome on the pleasure of self denial and a blameless existence.

Monday, 19 October 2009


It came to pass that the Beast went to church .
Some would say this happened because God moves in mysterious ways
other more cynical devils would say it was because Mr C lied and told me I was going to a party
What a jolly time we had , there was singing , clapping , some of it was even in time
***Glares at Mr C who is incapable of singing and clapping in sync***
Frobisher made very unchristian remarks to the effect that I was not singing along at all
I was miming , if its good enough for Britney its good enough for Jesus
I replied that as I am tone perfect Mr F could not single me out amongst the angelic throng

Some of the congregation were doing the one hand to heaven thing as detailed by Miss First Nations(we theorised that it improves heavenly reception like a TV Ariel) , there were Amens and hallelujahs a plenty , Dancing lesbians , transvestites singing baritone ,earnest readings and heartfelt testaments.
The very Reverend Ganja visiting from Nigeria was wheeled out to do communion and tempt us to drink from the furry cup with a choice of full fat or gluten free communion wafers , Mr C embarrassed us by guffawing aloud at this point.When he symbolically broke the wafers and held them aloft Mr C guffawed again as it looked alarmingly like 70's classic Pacman.
If things couldn't get anymore unworldly , Mr C was then presented with a services to the Religious Community of Dorchester Award...I nearly swallowed my tongue with the shock and Mr Frobisher had to perform an emergency Heimlich maneuver before calm was restored.
As we all piled into my car for the journey home . Mr C , his whole system obviously marinaded in celestial cleansing energy (or maybe it was the massive roast dinner ) , broke a healing wind of such a satanic vileness , we had to drive for half an hour with all the windows open , James and the girls choking in th back , but I am sure he felt closer to god as a result.......I know I did!

Thursday, 15 October 2009


Mr C had Flu and made a huge fuss , even by man flu standards.
Beast was getting 10 minute telephone updates as to his latest symptoms and ludicrous staffing situation (They were dropping like flies with real and imagined waitress was off for two weeks with what turned out to be an imaginary appendectomy)

The Beast however has manfully resisted the germ infested hordes and remained stoically healthy. Unfortunately, there lies my downfall , I could have done with a few days in bed , dossing about eating donuts. I am a fool to myself !.
What imaginary illnesses have you bunch of slackers used as excuses in the past ???

Thursday, 8 October 2009


In todays news :

A gay man tried to poison his lesbian neighbours by putting slug pellets into their curry after he was accused of kidnapping their three-legged cat.

Are their sexual preferences and physical shortcomings relevant to the story ? . Discuss .........

Personally after my diversity indoctrination training at work , I find the whole thing totally astounding .Surely only White imperialist hetrosexuals are capabable of any sort of nastiness , particularly if they are meat eating men.

How could a fluffy poof living next to a nest of tuppence lickers and their physically challenged cat be anything other than a haven of peace and love, common sense tells me that had there been a hostels for Peado's , drug addicts and assylum seekers been built in the near vicinity , it all would have been very different......... :-))

Wednesday, 7 October 2009


Beast is a little worried about his four legged house guests.
I am not so worried about the demonic glowing eyes as they are very useful on our nighttime walks.
Its the 'breath of Satan' eminating from Little Lloyds bottom that I object to
***Genuflects and sprays Holy Febreze Water ***
Please note MJ's favourite fireside rug , she has been BEGGING me to sell it to her , but some things money can just not buy :-)

Friday, 2 October 2009


The Beast will be somewhat occupied for the next few days as Mr C has skipped the country for a bit of sun , leaving Beast holding the baby (well 2 dogs and 2 kitchen shifts to be exact).

Its all been a bit of a blur this week .

Firstly Mr C managed to lose his chef (ran away in the midle of a shift as debtors had tracked him down)

The washup - too dozy to find his way into work without the chef .

My car blew up the day before I was supposed to be picking up the dogs and driving Mr C to the airport (Had to hire another one).

But happily the cafe kitchens will be manned by a combination of Myself , Frobisher and a pair of trannies(skidding about on 9 inch stiletto's , wigs eskew , makeup running in the heat......and thats only Frobisher) and somehow , god willing, Dorchester's finest eatery will survive the week with its reputation intact.

Monday, 28 September 2009


Its late September again when the evenings start to draw in and leaves are on the turn , it must be time for Frobisher's surprise Birthday Party

You may wish to ponder why its such a surprise as we have one EVERY year , however Frobi seemed to be oblivious as I chauffeured him to Cafe C where the gathering throng were hiding in the garden shushing each other and tittering as all surprise guests do.

Frobisher was carping all the way there that at his age all he wanted was a nice quite birthday dinner and perhaps a celebratory cup of cocoa before retiring early for the night , and should he be spared , maybe a gentle constitutional and a nice rest would set him up for the next year .

Predictably on being 'surprised' , opening a mountain of presents and hitting the cocktails , all those gentle plans were soon forgotten and he was off making lewd suggestions to the bar staff , cavorting with the drag act , screaming like a girl and dragging strange women in off the street to partner his frenzied dirty dancing.

You can just imagine the final result

I had volunteered to cop the early shift the next day to clean up and get the cafe open for the daytime and prepare for another birthday party in the evening .

The Cafe floor looked like a herd of passing hippo's had been wallowing and I had to move all the furniture to one side of the room , then sweep and double mop and then move it all the other way , collect all the debris and wash all the tables and chairs and then put everything back . A very pale and wan Frobisher staggered in about 11.30 en route from his hotel to home , probably leaving a trail of sick down the high street .

I managed to slouch through the days service and James eventually surfaced about 3 pm looking somewhat worst for wear and here we entered familiar territory . James having a fit of the vapours trying to prepare the restaurant for the party , Beast having a nervous breakdown in the kitchen trying to sort out the dinner for 30 and Mr C refusing point blank to get out his festering pit until 5.30 pm....the party was kicking off at 7 .

Still being professionals
***beast chokes slightly at this point***
we pulled it all together in the nick of time , despite the kitchen bitches turning up 40 minutes late and half cut. Frobisher staggered back still looking rather delicate and gamely did some washing up after Mr C had a tantrum , following a bit of an incident with a chocolate gateaux and accidently sacked the washer up(Easily done when your hung over I am told) .

Still the meal service was as smooth as silk and the party was a triumph , and our guests staggered off in the early hours to hit the fleshpots of Weymouth belching gently as they went.
However I cannot help reflecting that unless Frobisher shuffles off this mortal coil in some bizarre sex related accident we could have another 30 of these 'surprise' birthday weekends to get through......
You may ask what happened on my birthday , I will tell you ,driving Mr C to the supermarket , a kentucky fried chicken dinner and a lengthy lecture on my short comings......I am not sure which of the three gave me the squirts but my money is on the Kentucky.....
It seems blatantly obvious that God and the Colonel hate me !

Wednesday, 23 September 2009


It is said that vegetables are good for one .
The Beast can report this is not always the case .
Last night dear reader , the agent of my undoing was the humble carrot.

The Beast is an avid reader of Blogging lifestyle Guru Miss MJ and lives by her maxim that Less is more .
Miss MJ usually demonstrates this ethos using wall to wall pictures of saggy old men wearing very few clothes .

Following a bollocking of biblical proportions viz a viz insufficient portions from Dorchesters favourite restaurateur Mr C .
The Beast now realises that as Miss Fiona Funbags admirably demonstrates that while less is more when applied to clothing that more is better applies to most other things.

Monday, 21 September 2009


When Miss Scarlet recently fanny farted in my comments lounge

Was she perhaps hinting at this biography

Is the ginger hair another subtle clue

Has a cake been 'airbrushed' from the jacket picture

Has anyone ever seen Miss Scarlet , Miss MJ and Mr Frobisher in the same room

Has Donn ever categorically denied he is the love child of Old Knudsen and Nancy Reagan

Why do Mr C and Frobisher keep Beast locked away in the kitchen like a modern day Cinderella

What is Miss First Nations doing on her hiatus

I leave you gentle reader to theorise as to the most obvious answers to these perplexing questions

Monday, 14 September 2009


We are enjoying a bit of an Indian summer in the UK . Saturday was steaming hot , as this usually causes most of the populace to bugger off to the beach and then spend the evening burning animal flesh in the garden the Cafe was fairly quiet .
The management at Cafe C declared Saturday evening a holiday and we all set off for a meal at a little inn amid the desolation of Portland bill .
The inn blatantly had not changed their menu since 1974 , so we pigged out on retro classics and then staggered off to walk round the lighthouse promontory caressed by the balmy nighttime zephyrs. We just about made it to the end and collapsed in decorous heaps on the massive chunks of Portland stone bordering the sea .
It was idyllic lazing about under a truly amazing blanket of stars , lulled by the pounding of the surf and the murmurings and barkings of Mr C's digestive tract.
As a shooting star sped across the firmament Mr C asked wistfully
"Did you make a wish???"
To which myself ,James and Midge cried joyfully in unison
"Yes ....but your still here !!!"
I can thankfully report that even a retaliatory punch to the head cannot put a damper on natures awesome majesty :-)

Wednesday, 9 September 2009


Says it all really . Beast is prolly suffering from Post Traumatic Stress disorder from his weekly battering in the Cafe C kitchens , but I cant actually be bothered to do anything
***loafs about eating crumpets***

Thursday, 3 September 2009


Kieth , exhausted from minutes of frenzied Napkin folding tries desperatly to take a short nap , His plans are foiled by a fretting Frobisher having a Pre Love Parade wardrobe dilemma
'Can I run in slingbacks?????'
'Are gold hotpants , a gas mask and nipple clamps just too much????'

Apologies for not posting for a bit , in mitigation , last Sunday was The Dorchester Love Parade hosted and organised by Mr C/Cafe C .

Understandably this involved a lot of stress , preparation , work and clean up .All involved are completely knackered .

Beast will be posting his take on the event shortly (Grins evilly)

If however you feel the need for the 'truth' , search For the Dorset Echo once you are on thier site then search for Dorchester Love Parade , you can read their articles on the event .

Wednesday, 26 August 2009


Today at work I wandered out to the smoking hut , while I was loafing about smoking I noticed a twig at my feet that had that perfect wishbone shape.
This set off a whole train of memories of water divining with my dad when I was a kid.
I was the only person in the family that can divine(The rest being insensitive oafs) , so I always got dragged out when divinng was necesary.
You get a Y shaped twig (Willow is best) , grasp the two ends with you palms facing the floor and then twist your hands up and out until your palms are facing the sky .
This puts tension in the twig so you can feel the slightest tweak against the end .
If you now walk over any running underground water you will feel a strong pulling down on the end of the twig (With some people its down with others its up......dont know why).
You may ask why water divining was neccesary at all , all I can remember is that my dad had a thing about certain aspects of how they built ancient churches . they were always built with the altar over a blind(underground) spring , and one of the exit streams(also underground) would flow out of the knave door .
Suposedly becuase an underground spring messes with the electrical fields above it , this goes part way to explaining the odd 'spooky' atmosphere in some old churches.
This also explains why some of the old churches and cathedrals in the UK are banana shaped, when viewed from the air (Just look at an ariel shot of Canterbury cathedral if you dont believe me).
It also has something to do with ley lines but I cant remember what .
Anyway thats my freakish talent , I can water divine.
I dread to ask , but what gentle reader are yours????

Sunday, 23 August 2009


Show us a prime example of Plumbers Crack cried Beastbites Canadian readership (in a very shrill and demanding manner one might add) .Ours is not to reason why gentle reader , but my money is on a certain Canadian bloggeress feverishly clicking the picture to enlarge and there will be a bit of screen licking going on .
Judge not , the winters are long and hard in the cutural wasteland of the colonies , however what was Miss Scarlet thinking of when she pleaded for a little Hot Banana Action , one expects a little more restraint from the Garden of England

Friday, 21 August 2009


The Cafe C kitchen has a leaking tap. This has been driving me insane for months .
Here is Beast's easy to follow ,step by step guide to how to remedy the situation , specially adapted for the hard of hearing and the infirm MR C

1. Pick up the telephone

2.Call a plumber


Tuesday, 18 August 2009


The Beastmobile finally gave up the ghost and I had to be towed home with a banjaxed clutch.

I blame Mr C's canine familiar Lloyd , who ran away while on his walk and caused much racing up and down from the Beast's Lair to Dorchester to firstly join the midnight search party , then to go and spring Lloyd from Weymouth Goal where a kindly Lorry driver had dropped him off after finding the little blighter capering around on the A31 and causing a traffic jam at 6 oclock in the morning.

Of course the clutch went bang in the middle of a huge traffic jam so it took the recovery van flipping ages to come and get me .

Little Lloyd is sleeping off his big adventure.

The Beastmobile is now recieving the tender mercies of the local mechanic and hopefully will be restored to its former glory(a scratched ,chewed and dented , doghair filled heap) shortly

Friday, 14 August 2009


The poor Beastmobile seems to be ailing .
This car has put up with some terrible abuse over the years .
Mr C has borrowed in on numerous occasions , its usually delivered back looking like someone emptied the bins in it
Lloyd has chewed most of the fixtures and fittings at one time or another
Alfie has been sick in it.
Its been reversed into , keyed , shunted and still stalwartly flies backwards and forwards to Cafe C at least three times a week .
Now its making alarming squealing noises from the engine when you start it up and strange hicccups from the right hand rear wheel when you drive over 50 mph.
I will be checking it into the garage next week for a bit of TLC.
Lets hope it makes a speedy recovery :-(

Tuesday, 11 August 2009


The tight asses I work for have finally made us pay for the manky tea and coffee from the vending machines. I therefore decided to use the hot water facility and buy a sack of tea bags Sadly I didn't pay attention and bought 5 million Redbush tea bags.
Naturally caffeine free - no problem there
As hydrating as water - goody
Rich in antioxidants - fantastic
feck , they missed that one off the packaging :-(

While searching for a picture of REDBUSH teabags , you can just imagine 90% of the results

Monday, 3 August 2009


Beast is scouring the world of haute cuisine to create a splash at the next Cafe C buffet.

Teabaggingtastic is the only description for Beasts bulging meaty entrees , this could make the buffet go with a swing and bring a tear to the eye of many a hungry diner

One always likes ones comestibles to go with a bang!

careful where you poke your fork

Natures bounty never goes to waste at Cafe C . Admittedly one has to allow a little longer for the drive to work and remember to bring a shovel and a bucket .However I am sure Beasts medley of spatchocked badger and hedgehog will be a screaming success.

Just the thing to give that Delicious roadkill and authentic 'burning engine oil' finish

***drizzles nibbles with castrol GTX and a scattering of tyre shavings***

Sophistication and understated good taste are our watchwords at Cafe C , One will often hear Mr C wondering aloud when faced with a styling dilemma 'what would Liberace do??'

I think we all know the answer to that........

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