Wednesday, 28 October 2009

BEWARE THE ONE EYED SAUSAGE






its still very warm here at the moment , it wont be long till we get that autumnal chill in the evening air .Its very evocative of childhood winter evenings snuggled up with Ma and Pa Beasty in front of a roaring log fire , toasting crumpets on a long ornate toasting fork , the gusting winds booming in the chimney , roaring in the trees and rattling the windows .It was evenings like this that Pa Beasty used to tell us stories , On particularly stormy nights it would be ghost stories , but normally it was stories about Pa Beasties own creation and our childhood hero Sausageops .In the very first story , Sausageops(A one eyed sausage) was discovered by three children(Me and my two brothers) on a Greek Island , and was first encountered escaping from cyclops and from then on lived in the forest that surrounds Pa Beasties French house and got up to all sorts of malarkey with the three boys and a cast of other characters.Sausageops was a selfish , gluttonous rather stupid little beast . every Sausageops story followed a similar course . Sausageops would be forced into an undesirable course of action by his greed and stupidity against the sage advice of the children , usually upsetting the Prince schmoozing plans of the dimwitted and vain princess and her unpleasant aunt (The witch) in the process . Sausageops always at some point falls into or drinks water by mistake .Being stuffed with breadcrumbs he will then swell up and explode.The children at this point usually have to find a genie or a wizard to magic the little blighter back together and deliver some strategic punishment before peace and goodwill are restored to all parties (Except the witch , who was traditionally left gnashing her hatred and vowing revenge on the little devil). Pa Beasty wrote all our favourite stories down and illustrated them .I to this day have a bound copy of the stories , a second edition was made changing the children's names for both sets of grandchildren .

Incidentally a good few years ago while the whole family was holidaying in France , my brother though it would be very funny to wait till the kids were out with Ma and Pa Beastie , open the shutters in the kids bedroom and prop a ladder up against the window , spill some water and breadcrumbs on the bedroom floor and hang a burst balloon skin from the beam above their beds.As the children were about 4 and 6 at the time and utterly convinced that sausageops was real and lived nearby the house , went absolutely hysterical on finding the evidence of his untimely demise without a wizard or genie in sight…….. I remember it took some finessing to get out of that one without causing childhood trauma.

Pa Beasty has since had a book of cartoons published (I think under the nom de plume of spyder look him up on Amazon) and was asked by the publisher if he had anything for the children's Christmas market .When he showed them The Adventures of Sausageops , the editor almost had an embolism at the thought of a 'one eyed sausage' character that befriended children and a whole host of politically incorrect characters. A bemused Pa Beasty could not understand why…….

how we laughed at my exasperated little brothers attempts to explain the possible connotations of a 'one eyed sausage' in this child molestation obsessed age , twas a memorable family dinner indeed


Always wear your best knickers if there is a chance of meeting a one eyed sausage

39 comments:

MJ said...

I should very much like to purchase a copy of The Adventures of Sausageops to read whilst I’m riding my Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 broom.

It vibrates!

Here are some quotes from satisfied customers:

"[My cousin] plays with it, pretending to be Hermione, riding it around her room or outside in her yard until she's exhausted."

"...my seventeen year old daughter loves it too!"

"I'm 32 and enjoy riding the broom as much as my 12 yr old and 7 year old!"

MJ said...

Are those my tights that Sausageops is using as a parachute?

Miss Baggy Knickers said...

I was going to say that Sausageops has nicked MJ's tights...
So now I haven't got a comment, other than I need to change my knickers soon.
Sx

MJ said...

My broom is built for two, Miss Scarlet.

Hop on.

Beast: Does Sausagepops have any cousins in Germany?

Is he related to Herman the one-eyed German?

MJ said...

Oh dear.

I thought I was talking to Miss Scarlet!

Scarlet Blue said...

My cunning disguise fooled you Mistress MJ!
Anyhow, I have now put my best knickers on and I am prepared for the one-eyed sausage.
Sx

MJ said...

Oh Miss Scarlet, your cunning disguise had me fooled.

I'm a bit peckish.

Do you suppose we could cut up Sausageops into sausage rolls?

Scarlet Blue said...

I love sausage rolls... and toad in the hole!
Blimey I'm hungry..
Sx

MJ said...

Wouldn't it make a lovely bangers and mash?

Scarlet Blue said...

Or we could put Sausageops through the mincer?
Sx

MJ said...

Do you think Beast minces about?

Scarlet Blue said...

Oh yes! The bad knee is just an excuse. His hip will be the next thing to go, just wait and see.
Sx

MJ said...

Hasn't he already had two hip replacements?

Scarlet Blue said...

Is that why he squeaks when he walks?
Sx

MJ said...

No, that’s his shoes.

MJ said...

Miss Scarlet, I have to go out now to see a man about a sausage.

Shall we meet up here again tomorrow?

I could bring some cocktail weenies!

Scarlet Blue said...

Sounds good to me... and I just found a pic of Mr Beastie in a squeaky corset.
Sx

BEAST said...

Just as I surmised , A one eyed sausage would keep you two amused for most of the evening , that and the vibrating broom of course

BEAST said...

And there is nothing wrog with my hip
***SNAP***
Eeeeeeeeeek


could someone call an ambulance please

eroswings said...

That is so cool that your dad published his book and gave y'all first editions of his own work! That's an awesome family heirloom.

That's funny about tricking the kids!

The best children's books are always politically incorrect!

That illustration suggests that someone wants to beat the sausage!

BEAST said...

Sausageops has obviously upset someone by stealing their tights , its iether The Witch or Miss MJ who wants to thrash the one eyed sausage........no change there then

MJ said...

Miss Scarlet: Regarding that photo of Beast in the squeaky corset...

He appears to be a bit bloated.

Do you suspect too much of Ma Beastie's chickpea curry?

Or is it that time of the month again?

Scarlet Blue said...

I'm going to pull no punches - he's pregnant! There it's out in the open now.
Sx

MJ said...

Who is the baby daddy?

Scarlet Blue said...

An alien banana?
Sx

MJ said...

Did Beast sense that the alien banana was ripe for the picking?

Scarlet Blue said...

Nooooooooooooooooooo!!! It's all true! Poor Mr Beastie, he has been banana planted.
Sx

Roald Dahl said...

What gratuatious rubbish!

BEAST said...

MJ and Miss Scarlet.
Bananas are packed full of potasium and are very good for one.

Mr Dahl , your very opinionated for a dead person

KAZ said...

Well you are a family of pranksters aren't you.
What with rubber gloves, dry ice and one eyed sausages - I'm glad I won't be seeing you all on Halloween night.

MJ said...

I've eaten Sausageops!

Hahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!

MJ said...

Brrrraaaaaaaaaaaaapppppp.

Scarlet Blue said...

Now that Sausageops has been eaten shall we eat all the crumpets as well?
Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

I'm sorry, I'm bursting... Corrie was a corker tonight.
Sx

mutleythedog said...

I had forgotten how bloody middle class you are...

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with thrashing a one-eyed sausage.

Hummph!

mutleythedog said...

Sorry - its just I have no family traditions other than violence and alcoholism..

Scarlet Blue said...

Where are you Mr Beastie?
Sx

MJ said...

He just wants us to feel sorry for him in his overworked state, Miss Scarlet.

brrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaappp

About Me

My photo
Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO