Monday, 19 October 2009

BELLS AND SMELLS



It came to pass that the Beast went to church .
Some would say this happened because God moves in mysterious ways
other more cynical devils would say it was because Mr C lied and told me I was going to a party
What a jolly time we had , there was singing , clapping , some of it was even in time
***Glares at Mr C who is incapable of singing and clapping in sync***
Frobisher made very unchristian remarks to the effect that I was not singing along at all
I was miming , if its good enough for Britney its good enough for Jesus
I replied that as I am tone perfect Mr F could not single me out amongst the angelic throng


Some of the congregation were doing the one hand to heaven thing as detailed by Miss First Nations(we theorised that it improves heavenly reception like a TV Ariel) , there were Amens and hallelujahs a plenty , Dancing lesbians , transvestites singing baritone ,earnest readings and heartfelt testaments.
The very Reverend Ganja visiting from Nigeria was wheeled out to do communion and tempt us to drink from the furry cup with a choice of full fat or gluten free communion wafers , Mr C embarrassed us by guffawing aloud at this point.When he symbolically broke the wafers and held them aloft Mr C guffawed again as it looked alarmingly like 70's classic Pacman.
If things couldn't get anymore unworldly , Mr C was then presented with a services to the Religious Community of Dorchester Award...I nearly swallowed my tongue with the shock and Mr Frobisher had to perform an emergency Heimlich maneuver before calm was restored.
As we all piled into my car for the journey home . Mr C , his whole system obviously marinaded in celestial cleansing energy (or maybe it was the massive roast dinner ) , broke a healing wind of such a satanic vileness , we had to drive for half an hour with all the windows open , James and the girls choking in th back , but I am sure he felt closer to god as a result.......I know I did!

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

comeon you loved it :-) god is with us allwe just dont know it!! i can here the bells now!! all rise rev cunt!!

BEAST said...

Oh Lord , its Saint C of the Golden Panini

Scarlet-Blue said...

Are you the Aled Jones of Dorchester, Mr Beastie?
Sx

HoodChick said...

Let me get this right. You were driving - and you couldn't just keep on going and hit a pub?

MJ said...

Please stop parading your filthy knickers in front of us.

eroswings said...

I see Mr C was filled with the holy spirit and felt it necessary to share it's mighty power with y'all in the car.

Just be glad the priest didn't molest you...Although, I suspect that could be viewed as a let down for some of the people you drive around.

KAZ said...

I bet Mr Frobisher enjoyed doing that Heimlich thingy. Say one for me next time Beastie.

Frobisher said...

I did enjoy the Heinlick thingy Kaz, I was trying to break one of Beasts ribs!

The weirdest thing about this post is that it was all true - but you didn't mention the free tea and biscuits at the end!

inkspot said...

That's an angelic thong.

MJ said...

pfffffffffftttttttttt
pfffffffffftttttttttt
pfffffffffftttttttttt
pfffffffffftttttttttt
pfffffffffftttttttttt
pffttt
pfftt
pfft

MJ said...

pfft

BEAST said...

Scarlet-Blue said...
Are you the Aled Jones of Dorchester, Mr Beastie?
More Tom than Aled Miss Scarlet , I bet Miss MJ is dying to throw her knickers at me

BEAST said...

HoodChick said...
Let me get this right. You were driving - and you couldn't just keep on going and hit a pub?
Well Miss Chick , the service was in the arts centre , so it wasnt apparent it was a service until we got in there and it was too late to escape

Scarlet-Blue said...

Only because she wants you to scrub her gussets.
Sx

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Please stop parading your filthy knickers in front of us.
You love it , I bet your licking the screen you minx

BEAST said...

eroswings said...
I see Mr C was filled with the holy spirit and felt it necessary to share it's mighty power with y'all in the car.
Well the Holy Spirit doesnt half whiff

Just be glad the priest didn't molest you...Although, I suspect that could be viewed as a let down for some of the people you drive around.
The main priest is a laydeeeeeeee , it could have been exciting

BEAST said...

KAZ said...
I bet Mr Frobisher enjoyed doing that Heimlich thingy. Say one for me next time Beastie.
He was enthusiaticaly rough Miss Kaz . I shall pray for you all in the unlikley event I get tricked again

BEAST said...

Frobisher said...
I did enjoy the Heinlick thingy Kaz, I was trying to break one of Beasts ribs!

The weirdest thing about this post is that it was all true - but you didn't mention the free tea and biscuits at the end!
The tea was like gnats pee Mr F

BEAST said...

inkspot said...
That's an angelic thong.
I bet it chafes like the very devil Inky

BEAST said...

MJ said...
pfffffffffftttttttttt
pfffffffffftttttttttt
pfffffffffftttttttttt
pfffffffffftttttttttt
pfffffffffftttttttttt
pffttt
pfftt
pfft
You appear to be leaking or queefing Miss Mj

BEAST said...

Scarlet-Blue said...
Only because she wants you to scrub her gussets.
I have to scrape it off the ceiling first .....lords knows what the girl has been eating

MJ said...

Click here to listen.

Turn up the volume first.

BEAST said...

Is that from a cake related site Miss MJ

MJ said...

Why are you so obsessed with cake?

BEAST said...

Who isnt obsessed by Cake Miss MJ

MJ said...

poot

MJ said...

parp

BEAST said...

***sprays febreze***

MJ said...

brrrrraaaaaaaaappp

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