Thursday, 18 October 2007

WHATS THAT SMELL



A guest at Beast's 'Pancake Fest' has an attack of the vapours when faced with the evil smelling butchers block chopping board.

One of the kitchen angels that infest Beasts Kitchen weeps with embarrasment(bloody things , leave the door open for five minutes and they are everywhere flapping round the lights and crapping in the sink). Why oh why does the block smell it wails.




Its true my chopping board has developed a personal problem....... it smells like a turkish wrestlers jock strap , despite many a scrubbing with neat bleach.

One of you lot usually knows how to sort this stuff out.
Hurry up its social death in block form!

51 comments:

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Sniffed many Turkish wrestlers jockstraps, have you?

Fucking tramp.

Yay! First!

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Oh and as for the chopping board...

Burn it and buy a new one.

Or give it to Frobi for Crimbo.

BEAST said...

Thats another xmas present sorted..... yippeee

Frobisher said...

Well a second-hand chopping board is better than what I got last year - fuck all.

I expect the smell has come off the plastic from all those microwave dinners you have.

Anonymous said...

Meal for one... AGAIN.... :)

Mental Mac said...

I thought wooden chopping boards were only for those with death wishes

BEAST said...

Frobisher said...
Well a second-hand chopping board is better than what I got last year - fuck all.
Do I look like Father Fecking Christmas

I expect the smell has come off the plastic from all those microwave dinners you have.
How dare you , i am always whipping up epicurious delights from fresh ingredients - the Beasts Faggots are the talk of Bournemouth

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
Meal for one... AGAIN.... :)

I tend to eat for two

BEAST said...

Mental Mac said...
I thought wooden chopping boards were only for those with death wishes

Oh , why can you overdose on them ?

BEAST said...

So far no top chopping board related tips
Harumph
I am doomed to a lifetime with a chopping block that smells like the bowels of satan :-(

Piggy and Tazzy said...

"the Beasts Faggots are the talk of Bournemouth"

But I thought you WERE the Beastly Faggot of Bournemouth?

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Here you go:

(from http://ourhouse.ninemsn.com.au/ourhouse/factsheets/db/tips/07/758.asp)

(no.6 is most relevant)

5
Boards must be cleaned properly. For wood, scrub after every use with hot, soapy water, rinse, dry and stand it on end in a dish rack to air completely. For plastic, do the same, or put the board in the dishwasher (but don’t put wooden boards in as the glues can deteriorate). The hot rinse cycle will help to sterilise the plastic.

6
Alternatively, you can use a paste of baking soda and water to clean and deodorise a wooden board, or bleach and water (one teaspoon bleach to one litre of water) for plastic. Saturate the surface of the boards and let stand for 5 minutes to give the cleanser time to work, rinse and then dry.

7
To keep a wooden board in good shape, oil it every month or so with vegetable oil.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

... and then they all died and found themselves wandering among the foreign labels on the shelves at Aldi.

First Nations said...

a trick i learned processing seafood....

1. clean the stanky board on all sides with hot water, soap, and a brush, then dry it with a CLEAN CLOTH or paper towels. NOT the tatty old nasty dishrag. (NEVER USE THE TATTY OLD NASTY DISH RAG or sponge ON YOUR CUTTING BOARD EVER EVER EVER. or that old cloth you've been drying your hands on forever by the sink. yeah, that one. NO.)

2. place it in the electric oven on the lowest setting for a couple of hours

3. let it cool off enough to handle, then immerse the whole thing in a strong bleach solution and let it soak in for an hour or so.

4. rinse, and dry off - once again, with a CLEAN CLOTH-fine, or paper towels...NOT the slimy rag you use on the dog's butt- then find a new place to store the board where the air can circulate around it...this is KEY. like on the counter leaned against the wall or hung on a nail. NOT in a scody disgusting old drawer or cabinet. i have a tripod holder for mine like they used to prop framed pictures or open books in.

5. EVERY time you use the board, rinse it and use a CLEAN CLOTH to dry it.

Otherwise, heave the bastard and get a new one. it's just a cutting board.
may i suggest your new one be made from laminated bamboo? they're FANTASTIC.

Anonymous said...

oh for fuck sake... its a fucking chopping board.. you sad cunts ... let mister dull burn it and buy anoth one im sure he will find anotheer at car boot...

oread the SSA said...

do....do...I need to know how YOU know what that smells like...?
I have a creepy silicone chopping board that's nice..ish. Sanitary. Not smelly. Well, except for the silicone smell, you know what I mean.

BEAST said...

Piggy and Tazzy said...
"the Beasts Faggots are the talk of Bournemouth"

But I thought you WERE the Beastly Faggot of Bournemouth?


While There are many that could lay claim to the faggot title , Theere is only one Beast.
And my faggots are renowned as an orgasm for you taste buds

BEAST said...

Piggy and Tazzy said...
Here you go:

(from http://ourhouse.ninemsn.com.au/ourhouse/factsheets/db/tips/07/758.asp)

(no.6 is most relevant)

5
Boards must be cleaned properly. For wood, scrub after every use with hot, soapy water, rinse, dry and stand it on end in a dish rack to air completely. For plastic, do the same, or put the board in the dishwasher (but don’t put wooden boards in as the glues can deteriorate). The hot rinse cycle will help to sterilise the plastic.

6
Alternatively, you can use a paste of baking soda and water to clean and deodorise a wooden board, or bleach and water (one teaspoon bleach to one litre of water) for plastic. Saturate the surface of the boards and let stand for 5 minutes to give the cleanser time to work, rinse and then dry.

7
To keep a wooden board in good shape, oil it every month or so with vegetable oil.

... and then they all died and found themselves wandering among the foreign labels on the shelves at Aldi.


At last , chopping board related top tips I shall be scrubbing away like a demon tonight

BEAST said...

First Nations said...
a trick i learned processing seafood....

1. clean the stanky board on all sides with hot water, soap, and a brush, then dry it with a CLEAN CLOTH or paper towels. NOT the tatty old nasty dishrag. (NEVER USE THE TATTY OLD NASTY DISH RAG or sponge ON YOUR CUTTING BOARD EVER EVER EVER. or that old cloth you've been drying your hands on forever by the sink. yeah, that one. NO.)

2. place it in the electric oven on the lowest setting for a couple of hours

3. let it cool off enough to handle, then immerse the whole thing in a strong bleach solution and let it soak in for an hour or so.

4. rinse, and dry off - once again, with a CLEAN CLOTH-fine, or paper towels...NOT the slimy rag you use on the dog's butt- then find a new place to store the board where the air can circulate around it...this is KEY. like on the counter leaned against the wall or hung on a nail. NOT in a scody disgusting old drawer or cabinet. i have a tripod holder for mine like they used to prop framed pictures or open books in.

5. EVERY time you use the board, rinse it and use a CLEAN CLOTH to dry it.

Otherwise, heave the bastard and get a new one. it's just a cutting board.
may i suggest your new one be made from laminated bamboo? they're FANTASTIC.


Yippee more top tips.
But I have to make the following point ......my kitchen cloths are pristine , this is not Frobishers kitchen where you have to do the washing up using an old pair of underpants as a dishcloth.
Oooooh Laminated bamboo sounds cool , I have never seen one of those , I shall look them up on the interweb. I dont really want to throw this one away , as apart from its recent odour problem , its a big heavy , butch , beast of a chopping block

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
oh for fuck sake... its a fucking chopping board.. you sad cunts ... let mister dull burn it and buy anoth one im sure he will find anotheer at car boot...

mr dull ....MR FUCKING DULL !!!! , oh how we will regret that

BEAST said...

oread the SSA said...
do....do...I need to know how YOU know what that smells like...?
I have a creepy silicone chopping board that's nice..ish. Sanitary. Not smelly. Well, except for the silicone smell, you know what I mean.

Miss SSA , in answer to your first question..... a missspent youth. The silicone chopping board sounds great , It could be one of pammy Andersens recycled disgarded Breast Implants(has it got like a squashed nipplein the middle of it ???)...... I am def getting one of those :-)

Tickersoid said...

Dump wood, buy glass.

Sorted.

BEAST said...

Tickersoid said...
Dump wood, buy glass.

Sorted.


Mr Ticks , The wooden block is very forgiving of Beasts Norman Wisdom cooking style , the glass wouldnt last a day

Daisy said...

i don't have patience for stuff like that...i run some hot soapy water...put the block in...do whatever it is i want to do...come back...rinse it and if it is not in good odor...put it in bleach and water...go do what i want to do again...rinse it...if that doesn't work...i would throw it out (or at someone) and get a new one but i wouldn't bust my butt over cleaning it...just isn't worth the price of a new one...a daisyism

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
i don't have patience for stuff like that...i run some hot soapy water...put the block in...do whatever it is i want to do...come back...rinse it and if it is not in good odor...put it in bleach and water...go do what i want to do again...rinse it...if that doesn't work...i would throw it out (or at someone) and get a new one but i wouldn't bust my butt over cleaning it...just isn't worth the price of a new one...a daisyism

Daisy , welcome , The bleach treatment hasnt managed to curb its smelly ways , but I have had this chopping block a long time , its like a toothless , smelly old relative hanging about the place , I dont want to bin it unless I absolutley have to , so I will be a scrubbing and a baking the damn thing

Daisy said...

it is so difficult when we become attached to things...i have tried to eliminate that as of late and well...life is much simplier...but i understand the attachment...i seem to suffer it in the most inconvenient means...

Frobisher said...

DON'T by a glass chopping board - they blunt the knives.

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
it is so difficult when we become attached to things...i have tried to eliminate that as of late and well...life is much simplier...but i understand the attachment...i seem to suffer it in the most inconvenient means...
Daisy its a conundrum and thats for sure , some stuff I wont to have an attachment to as they are a physical representation of family and friends who are for various reasons not present. The chopping board was bought for me as a first flat warming present by my little brother (Beast Minor) with his very first pay check.So I am stuck with the malodorous horror , for better or worse

BEAST said...

Frobisher said...
DON'T by a glass chopping board - they blunt the knives.

Frobisher is being very forceful....... we best agree with him or a terrible hissy fit may ensue.
I WONT BUY A GLASS BOARD MR F :-)

Baron Archer said...

SKANK!

Is that right you bald bastard?

Piggy and Tazzy said...

"At last , chopping board related top tips I shall be scrubbing away like a demon tonight"

Fucking scrubber.

Frobi was right, after all.

BEAST said...

Baron Archer said...
SKANK!

Is that right you bald bastard?


He He He , shaved rather than bald Baron A.....
Did I say skank out loud....ooops made you comment tho :-)

BEAST said...

Piggy and Tazzy said...
"At last , chopping board related top tips I shall be scrubbing away like a demon tonight"

Fucking scrubber.

Frobi was right, after all.


Frobisher is one of the bitter ones , how otherwise would you describe a sweet natured innocent Beast in such a manner

First Nations said...

tickersoid is delightful, but frobisher is correct: DO NOT USE A GLASS CUTTING BOARD THEY DULL THE KNIVES!

similarly marble, corian, slate etc.

plastic silicone? HA! the SSA's cutting board looks like it's been attacked by leopards. rock maple or laminated bamboo is the only way.

(more tiresome advice-from a chef site, even)
is it really that valuable? might be worth taking it to a cabinet shop and having them run it through the plank planer; take off a couple of mm on both sides down to fresh wood. once done, soak in bleach solution and dry with frobishers underpants.

Rimshot said...

Dear Miss Beastieknickers,

My $0.02 (0.00975261 GBP or 0.0139902 EUR)

It would be best (Read: least likely to get salmonella or some other equally terrible and inconvenient food related bacteria) if one had TWO cutting boards.

The wooden one is best for vegetables and other non-meat items. As previously noted it is much more knife friendly.

A marble, plastic or (shudder) glass (or otherwise similar non-porous material) is to be used for raw meats. While this will require more frequent knife sharpenings, it will save you a trip to the hospital, so the cost is a a wash. You do, of course, own a high quality knife that you hone on a steel EACH USE, don't you? This will help to counter-act the dulling effect. Crap knife + hard board = bad.

This has been a public serivce announcement from your friendly neighborhood Rimshot.

mutleythedog said...

You can borrow one of Mu Tais old ones Mr B!! Howsabout that then??

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Forget all this crap about bacteria laden chopping boards, dull knives etc...

Buy stuff that's already chopped up.

Problem solved.

Time save.

Less washing up.

Daisy said...

piggy and tazzy...i like your train of thought!!!

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Why thank you daisy!

We like you.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Okay Beastie, stop rubbing the end of your cock on that chopping board and post something new!

Lazy fat cunt.

Daisy said...

no wonder the damn block stinks so much...you didn't say you were cock rubbing ffs...that takes a whole different approach! geez...

BEAST said...

FN - its bleached , its baked , it has been massaged with vinegar , its been plastered with bicarbonate of soda ......it now smells only slightly , so I wont be sulying it with Frobishers pants...oh no.

Rimshot we dont hold with squandering the worlds resouces chez Beastie by owning two chopping boards , and besides the beast has cast iron guts so food piosoning is not an issue.

Multiple Piggy and Tazzies - I have better things to do with me knob than rubbing it on the chopping block (like buggering the dyson).

Daisy - my privates smell sweeter than the chopping block and i dont want to get splinters:-)

Mr M- I cant imagine the culinary horrors that have taken place on Miss Mu's chopping board it should probably be buried very deep encased in concrete.

The Beast is currently festering as we didnt win the Rugby World Cup
:-(

BEAST said...

And whats going on with Johny Wilkinsons hair

Big Poof

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Says you.

Daisy said...

am i then to assume you have the same primping habits as hitch? always preferred a man who knows the natural scent thing is only for women who prefer the same for themselves...and doesn't prescribe

mutleythedog said...

--Mr F has a washboard stomach - you could use that!!

BEAST said...

Piggy and tazzy - indeed , but i could be lying.

Daisy - I am not a primper to The Hitch degree , just shower in the morning and after training and use a good anti perspirant.I cant really be doing with slathering meself with over priced unguents.To the Beasts way of thinking , any person that requires their partner to smell for example like a lemon or a woodland glade as a relationship requirement is probably best suited to having a relationship ...with a lemon....

Mr M I will have to take your word for it , has Mr F been wearing that crop top and hipster pants again.... I find that a little disturbing in the over 35's.

Daisy said...

beast i do agree with the lemon analogy...however, in saying that...while i don't have specific requirements in particular cologne, etc...i don't want a man who smells worse than my dog...or his shoes...or a man who overpowers my shalimar...it's simple...just don't stink either way :)

BEAST said...

He He He Daisy good point.The Beast will concentrate on not making anyones eyes water :-)

Daisy said...

speaking for women (with at least some taste) thank you beast...you are a gentleman...or at least portray one on the internet...

BEAST said...

Daisy, awww thanks , I guess The Beast is a less complicated and more visceral version of the meatworld me .But then the Beast doesnt have to deal with all the complications and compromises of real life. Lucky Beast :-)

About Me

My photo
Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO