Tuesday, 11 December 2007

HO HO FUCKING HO


Well good for Bruce. I bet he didnt have to do the fecking Christmas shopping.
I set off yesterday for a days Xmas shopping with Mr C.Jumping up and down in my seat , full of festive spirit .......which lasted all of 2 minutes when Mr C's car went phut 25 yards from the house.
So undaunted we piled to the Beastmobile , Mr C's steaming wreck a fading memory as we barrelled off into a beautiful , bright frosty morn....you could almost hear them sleighbells.
Mr C insisted on driving (as I drive like a granny aparently) which left me to give directions , which is never a good idea as I cant tell my left from my right.Going round a roundabout 8 times in the middle of southhampton with Beast yelling LEFT LEFT LEFT and gesticulating wildly to the RIGHT gets old VERY QUICKLY.
Eventually we trundled up to , what is billed as, The South Coasts Premier Shopping Experience.........
It is in reality what Grandma Beasty would have called all fur coat and no knickers.
Yes its very flash, but it is full of overpriced shops all selling the same tired old stuff. The whole place was jammed full of fat people wearing lots of unatural fibre. Now, wether they where dragged in by the gravitational pull generated by all these other fat people , like a multitude of small planets..... or maybe its the polyester mating season. it was hard to tell. They certainly looked bemused and lurched about in babbling clumps bristling with walking sticks , walking frames and baby buggies, stopping you walking anywhere in a straight line or getting close to anything you wanted to look at.
We gave up after a couple of hours and stopped off at the 'German' market for a 'Delicious authentic bratwurst in a fresh bun' ............ a Greasy ,Diseased Donkey Dick served in a housebrick would have been a more apt description...........it was vile.
So Christmas is off to a flighing start Chez Beasty , I still have no presents*, and I cant get rid of the taste of the Bratwurst .
*I did manage to buy a box of BATH GOO. Tip it into your bath water and it instantly turns into a tub of Jello , ready for hours of hilarious festive bathtime fun

28 comments:

Hammer said...

You can take consolation in the fact that it went worse for the donkey.

MJ said...

A "Greasy ,Diseased Donkey Dick served in a housebrick"?

You've eaten in Frobi's Country Kitchen then?

BEAST said...

Hammer said...
You can take consolation in the fact that it went worse for the donkey.

Mr H , The donkey got off lightly....dreadful it was , I suppose I should take some consolation that I didnt break all y teeth on the 'fresh' bun

BEAST said...

MJ said...
A "Greasy ,Diseased Donkey Dick served in a housebrick"?

You've eaten in Frobi's Country Kitchen then?


MJ I am in enough trouble for accidently using the same recipe Frobisher published 5 years ago or something , so I state for the record that Frobisher IS the Fanny Craddock for the new millenia....make of that what you will :-)

lady muck said...

Sounds like a fun day was had by all... spotted donkey dick, mmmmmmmmmmm what a delicacy…..

BEAST said...

lady muck said...
Sounds like a fun day was had by all... spotted donkey dick, mmmmmmmmmmm what a delicacy…..
Right you are then , I shall stick the remaining half thru your letterbox.....Happy Xmas :-)

Gorilla Bananas said...

Someone has to eat the donkey's dick, Beast. Think of it as your charitable deed for Christmas. The buffalo's balls taste worse. So I've heard.

FirstNations said...

had i read this earlier i could have avoided going to the exact same shopping mall today. i passed up the donkey-worst for the 'rusted torpedo -like object that smells of bologna', though.

Frobisher said...

*rises above catty remarks*

I went to the very same shopping centre (or mall for our colonial cousins). It was shit then.

If fact, Christmas is shit.

Everything is shit.

MJ said...

What's crawled up Frobi's rectum?

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
Someone has to eat the donkey's dick, Beast. Think of it as your charitable deed for Christmas. The buffalo's balls taste worse. So I've heard.

Mr B that explains the steaming cauldron of what was described as Austrian meatballs , lucky I didnt try those then

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
had i read this earlier i could have avoided going to the exact same shopping mall today. i passed up the donkey-worst for the 'rusted torpedo -like object that smells of bologna', though.

Miss FN , the rusted torpedo sounds....mmmm. tasty. I can still taste the bratwurst
remeber a bratwurst is not just for christmas.....

BEAST said...

Frobisher said...
*rises above catty remarks*

I went to the very same shopping centre (or mall for our colonial cousins). It was shit then.

If fact, Christmas is shit.

Everything is shit.


Is this a preview of Mr F's christmas speech ??
Cheer up Mr F , santa will be getting ready to fill your stockings :-)

BEAST said...

MJ said...
What's crawled up Frobi's rectum?
Oh I say , you colonials are so rude !

mutleythedog said...

The whole thing sounds absolutely ghastly Mr B! Have you been in Woolworths recently? Its entirely full of things that no one in their right minds would want, massive piles of total fucking tat and rubbish!!!

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
The whole thing sounds absolutely ghastly Mr B! Have you been in Woolworths recently? Its entirely full of things that no one in their right minds would want, massive piles of total fucking tat and rubbish!!!
I have been avoiding the lure of woolworths Mr M ,I think its an outpost of the axis of evil , I have heard they sacrafice virgins in the pick and mix aisle

Daisy said...

mmmm bath goo eh beast...i learn more and more which i like about you every day...and so close to christmas too...mmmm

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
mmmm bath goo eh beast...i learn more and more which i like about you every day...and so close to christmas too...mmmm
If only it was for me Daisy , its one of the purchases for the Ma Beasties christmas prize sack that sits in the corner for any lucky winners of the xmas games fest

mutleythedog said...

Iwould quite like to see you covered in Bath goo....

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
Iwould quite like to see you covered in Bath goo....


that wouldbe a bit of a sight Mr M , it may put you of pea soup for a very long time

Anonymous said...

IT WAS FUCKING SHIT, I MEAN IT WAS BAD ENOUGH BEING FOLLOWED AROUND BY BEAST.. THEN BEEN STALKED BY STORE DETECTIVES WERES THERE XMAS SPIRT...WELL I GAVE THEM A RUN FOR THERE MONIE FUCKING NAZIES.. ENY HOW, I GOT AN AIR FRESHENER FOR ME CAR AND NOTHING ELES.. THE JOYS OF FUCKING XMAS.. AND I HAVE TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN THIS TIME WITH A LIST :-) FATHERCUNTTING XMAS .. HO HO HO..

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
I MEAN IT WAS BAD ENOUGH BEING FOLLOWED AROUND BY BEAST

Cheeky cunt!....go on your own next time

Daisy said...

unfortunately i am too far away to play in any reindeer or ma beasty games...if i was there...and would win the goo...i would share :)

mutleythedog said...

I have subscribed to peoples comments all over the place so whenever anyone makes a new comment I get an email about it... its quite exciting as normally no one emails me! Also - there are little orange shaps with a B inside them ...

I have your pic for the Christmas Cracker competition Mr B! It is a little out of date as I know for a fact you won Ms Thai Transvestite in 2001!!

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
unfortunately i am too far away to play in any reindeer or ma beasty games...if i was there...and would win the goo...i would share :)
If I am crafty and accidently label it as a prize for Ma Beasty , who only has a shower, she will give it to me :-)

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
I have subscribed to peoples comments all over the place so whenever anyone makes a new comment I get an email about it... its quite exciting as normally no one emails me!
I bethundreds of adoring mutley fans are emailing there master at hourly intervals Also - there are little orange shaps with a B inside them ...
Yes they are very exciting Mr M , or it could be be for bottom....sniggers

I have your pic for the Christmas Cracker competition Mr B! It is a little out of date as I know for a fact you won Ms Thai Transvestite in

I was only unner up Mr M, I couldnt fire ping pong balls from certian bits of my anatomy so was pipped atthe post by Mr Hitch

The Hitch said...

I want some of that bath goo
For the next time I stay in a hotel that pisses me off.
On the subject of hotels , never drink from the bathroom glasses or taps , the cleaners wipe the wet floors and lavatory with the used towels then the glasses and sink .
FACT !
This is why Hitch always takes his own water, plus it ficks me offff getting charged minibar prices.

BEAST said...

You need Hawkins Bazaar for all you bath goo requirements Mr Hitch.
As the beast only drinks vintage champagne (or meths) I never have the hotel dilemma :-)

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