KNOBS AND KNOCKERS

Miss Scarlet relaxing in her palatial home














Miss Scarlet has a new back door . As Beast is the south coasts leading Fashion Icon and Style Guru (Who can forget the Beasts signature stylish MANBAG ) . I have been commissioned to apply my 'Door furniture zeitgeist' and submit suggestions for Miss Scarlets Ornamental Doorknob.
Rumours abound that Miss Scarlets palatial pied a terre features acres of white shag pile , the occasional chaise longue and a multitude of Doric columns , and the general hedonistic ambiance that leads one to consider re enacting the fall and rise of the Roman Empire before tea.
However all is not well at the House of the Beast , My Assistant Miss MJ (a surly strumpet who spends all day painting her nails and begrudgingly makes the occaional cup of dreadful coffee)seems to have been tinkering with my browser settings and I only seem to be able to retrieve images of a most peculiar nature .
I trust Miss Scarlet will find something fitting in my restricted selections
The Recommended designs
1.The Morning Glory.










2.Greeting The Dawn
















3.Black Beauty

4.Gripper

THE GIFT HORSES BUTT

They say you should never look a gift horse in the mouth . With the Beasts current crop of gift disasters you would definitely be peering down the wrong end.

The Beast's present pultrichude started early this year with Mr C's pre xmas birthday , Karen Carpenter would have had problems squeezing into the supposedly Extra Large Gstar and Bench Tshirts .

The Pucci Doggy hoody I bought permanently chilly Lloyd didn't fit and the chews I bought Alfie left Mr C mopping up a huge pool of doggy diarrhoea from his lounge carpet as Xmas morn dawned.... As you can imagine the Beast is none too popular in Dorchester this festive season :-(

The tedious educational eco friendly sustainably farmed wooden toy I ordered for my niece (On the strict orders of her uptight vegetarian mother) . came ready wrapped , much to my relief as I had had enough of gift wrapping by this stage. However when the little brat ripped aside the wrapping .It turned out to be a dispatching error piece of plastic shite called Bubble Butt . when you switched this monstrosity on , it dropped its pants and farted bubbles from its sphincter. You can only imagine the baleful matriarchal glare this invoked, you would of thought I had been plying the little angel with whisky and teaching her filthy limericks .

The Cigarette lighter and combined watch for Beast minor exploded and badly singed the sofa .

The ill fitting lid of Ma Beasties JAmie Oliver Flavour shaker , flew off , the ingredient crushing ball flew out , cracking one of Pa Beasties expensive dental crowns and shattered the kitchen light.

We shall gloss over the dreadful stench that filled the house from the 'Toasty Toes' microwaveable slippers .

If I manage to make it to Next Year without getting lynched every bugger is getting cash !

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

The Beast would like to wish you all a Very Happy Christmas.








May you get everything your filthy little hearts desire

ASSISTANCE REQUIRED

With Yuletide fast approaching The Beast Needs a little domestic help .

for some reason I have a great deal of difficulty peeling that Christmas classic the majestic clementine .

I am led to believe that certain young ladies have the ability to perform this bothersome task without using their hands .

I have already 'interviewed' a couple of prospects for the post of Beasts little helper , but sadly they only resulted in bruised fruit and a trip to accident and emergency

I dont suppose I will be any more succesful with the vacant post of 'Nutcracker' .

ALL WASHED UP

Beast will be out of circulation for the next 3 days , in addition to my day job I have three evenings of festive pot wash/Kitchen Bitchery at Cafe C .

This means I leave for work at 7.30 am run off at 5 for the hour long commute to Dorchester for 5 hours of kitchen hell ,then stagger back home for about midnight.
Following an all too brief respite wrapped in the gossamer caress of the fragrant duvet it starts all over again





Beast advocates the ancient art of 'full contact' dish washing !

BEASTIES BOOK CLUB - CHRISTMAS CRACKER EDITION

The title of this turgid potboiler says it all . Pages of diminutive porn that can be enjoyed by all the family















Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a bit of girl on girl action. Add a whole new meaning to pulling a cracker










The cover art may be a tad gender confused , but a rollicking tale of testicles , lube and international intrigue ****








The perfect gift for anyone who enjoys shopping (or you don't particularly like).
An exciting** , well paced thriller ** , that will keep you reading well into the wee small hours ***












This book is just what you need as the whole family lounges about digesting your Christmas Feast . Introduce them to the joys of the Christmas Cheek Flap , A Yuletide yap or a Festive Follow thru . Hours of digestive family fun






















A thrilling adventure for Boys .Young Jimmy gets more than he bargained for and discovers the true meaning of 'wood'







*Thats a lie
**oops theres another one
***Dont be ridiculous
****Blimey ANOTHER lie

BEASTIE FEELS THE LOVE

Imagine my surprise to receive an email from a psychologist(who wishes to remain anonymous) , who reads plenty of blogs looking for research topics/material .
She was very interested in the phenomenon of my bed/bedding that is proliferating across the blogsphere .
She opines and I quote
" your 'stinky duvet', in their minds has become a libidinal object, which 'they' have formed 'object relations' with . This is directly related to their need to display love towards you - the owner of the stinky duvet. They are investing their libidos within the duvet".

If that wasn't bad enough , it just gets worse
***hands out wet wipes***

"Freudian in origin... 'they' all talk about it because subconsciously they want to experience it , and would willingly do so. Classic Text-book case of suppressed/conflicted desire "


A blatant case of Blonking * and you 'all just got caught with your hands down your knickers :-)


*that's 'Blog Wanking' , a term I just invented

GLUM

Everything is changing , I seemingly have no control over any of it.
So the Beast is stymied , Grumpy and wants to hit stuff (and a few of his friends).
Be back shortly when the dust has settled.

MJ'S REVENGE - RETURN OF THE MANFLU

Finally the Beast has had to admit defeat and spend the day "Working from Home".

Why the quotes you may ask , thats because there wont be much "working" going on

I FEEL LIKE CRAP !

Taking to heart the ancient wisdom of feeding a cold I am already two bacon and fried egg rolls into my 'treatment' . I fully intend to iether expire from pnuemonia or burst from over eating before the day is out.

If anyone wants me I will be munching like a caterpillar (and thats not a euphemism) under my duvet

STUFFING THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY AT CAFE C

Beast dragged himself from his sick bed to toddle along to Dorchester's Christmas Cracker event.

Despite freezing temperatures Dorchester was packed to the gunels with a merry throng of Late night shoppers and chritsmas revellers. I have included some crap pictures (Snapped on my mobile) of Cafe C's lighting rig which included a smoke machine that sent choking clouds into the streets(St Johns Ambulance crews were on hand to recusitate the asthmatics) and Lasers(epilectics dropping like flies) and stuff . There was an awesome twin speaker stack that nearly blasted the stained glass from the ancient church across the street and Mr C's very own Cafe C Belly Dancing troupe (YES BELLY DANCERS) that thrilled the drunken masses

MANFLU

You know what , having MANFLU when you live on you own is a bore .

One of lifes simple pleasures, when you come down with a minor cold , is to share the joy by making your partner or housemates life a pure living hell.

You have carte blanche to mope about , snorting and whimpering , constantly requesting hot drinks and food in a feeble voice .Refusing to do any chores you don't fancy as 'you dont feel well enough' . Hogging the duvet , the TV remote and generally threatening to expire at any moment if you don't get your own way . You can usually spin this out for about 3 days until its plainly obvious the symptons have gone or your partner cracks and beats you to death with the Dyson .

When you live on your own , you have to do your Lord Nelson deathbed re enactments by phone or email ......it just don't work . They just say things like GO TO BED THEN !

Or OH DEAR WE WILL SEE YOU WHEN YOUR BETTER!!

Or even worse try and upstage you with a list of their own bloody ailments

BASTARDS

***collapses in cloud of VICKS VAPORUB ***

THE LEGENDARY SMOKED SALMON THINGIES

Here we go .A simple but 'dead sophisticated' appetizer . Ideal for serving with drinks or add dash of panache instead of your usual pork scratchings and a packed of crisps while you slob in front of the TV in your brushed nylon house coat and curlers.

Ingredients

Sliced bread (Something nice and soft , I used a best of both medium sliced)

Smoked salmon

Cream cheese (Whatever fat percentage you prefer)

Horseradish cream (optional)

Method:

1.Cut the crusts off a slice of bread

2.Spread with cream cheese (Not too thick)

3.Slap a bit of smoked salmon on the top (You don't need loads) and spread a little horseradish on to taste

4.Roll the slice of bread (Obviously with the cream cheese and salmon on the inside) Swiss roll styleee

5.Using a sharp or serrated knife cut slices off the roll about half an inch thick (You need to do this gently so it doesn't squash the roll).

6.Arrange slices on a plate (bedoileed if you must).

7.repeat until you have enough little rolls for your guests to nibble on or to satiate your evenings guzzlings

Yes OK its just a bite sized cream cheese and smoked salmon sandwich , but it looks so good in all its tempting swirliness

MISSING YOU ALREADY

Be back Monday

Behave yourselves

A CURIOUS REQUEST

On a moonless ,freezing night , an exhausted Beast gratefully snuggled beneath his (Pristine and fragrant ) duvet hoping for 8 solid hours of warm and peaceful slumber.

My hopes were soon dashed by the hellish insistent ringing of the bedside phone.

Was the house on fire ???

Had all Beasts relatives perished in a bizarre stewed apple related accident ???

Was this the long awaited call up to be the new Mr Madonna???

Sadly no , it was a bullish Mr C demanding I immediately cast the duvet aside , sprint to my Personal Computer , sign on to the purveyor of universal tat Ebay with all haste and order 50 squeaking rubber ducks.

All excuses and varied cursings and pleadings were brusquely brushed aside.

Cafe C required rubber ducks , the whole future of food related retailing in west Dorset depended on it and my feeble bleatings and general feckless shilly shallying were just typical , workshy , office lackey behaviour.Get a backbone etc etc

So eventually I capitulated , and stumbled off into the freezing dark .

Now The Beast's question to you is , what unusual requests have you fielded from beneath your duvet (This ought to be good).???

And did you comply ???

POSITIVELY SICKENING !

My big work project has finished . During the closing phase of the work we have the Project Managers Post Mortem . The Beast was singled out for the following uncharacteristic UnBeastly Behaviour

Beast's Positive attitude helped serve as a reminder to me of what you should project to your peers and it made my job so much easier having a large part of the project in such good hands

.

Was the man drunk !!!!

I feel thoroughly ashamed of myself.

THE REAL SAINTLY SUNDAY

Dont be fooled by Miss MJ's pious singing mingers
This Sunday Get closer to God with Beasts Saintly Sisters.

Awards and Plaudits

Well what a start to the week , not only did I get a Lemonade Award from Eroswings , of which I am enormously chuffed .

I also was talking to Mr C on the phone last night . Our conversations rarely last longer than ten minutes before Mr C tells me I am boring him and hangs up . On this occasion we had been chatting away for about 28 minutes and I was starting to get twitchy , so I eventually weakened and asked why he had stayed on the phone for so long........
I was told that as he was repainting the rubberised paint on the kitchen floor , that in the choice of talking to me or quite literally watching paint dry.....I was marginally less boring

So there you have it, High praise indeed

BEAST nearly as boring as watching paint dry


***thanks to Eroswings for the marquee html tip

BET YOU WERE NOT EXPECTING THAT

I had to telephone a utility company today and got a very perky and cheeky young lady on the phone - which was great fun .
It sparked off a few memories from the time I was front office manager at a 350 room hotel in London . My reception and cashiers desks was 'manned' by a number of spirited young ladies , filling in time before they went to university. Being rather more intelligent than me and somewhat unfulfilled by the work they spent most of their time plotting wizard wheezes to keep themselves amused and get me a carpeting from the uptight general manager .

The hotel was owned by a muti millionaire Iraqi family , who would descend upon the place with family and friends when in London . Altho it was a large hotel , they treated all the staff as if we were minor relatives and were always very pleasant and friendly . One of the old uncles used to make great efforts to find out any new staff member names and would make sure he said good morning to everyone by name as he floated thru the lobby en route for breakfast . He would never come and ask the person directly , but would go and ask someone else.
We had a new receptionist start , as it turned out a hoity toity piece of goods who had a rather unfortunate superiority complex , and in particular kept moaning on about the arabs undressing her with their filthy heathen eyes etc etc. The other front office staff loathed her without exception.
Predictably the old uncle came and asked one of the other receptionists her name , his English not being terrible good she had to repeat it and practice it with him a number of times till he got it right.

Next morning Uncle Ahmed floated past a mobbed reception desk , and hailed the miserable old trout with a jaunty 'GOOD MORNING BIGTITS

You can only imagine the indignant tantrum , resigning and general hilarity that followed.

THE MORNING AFTER - FROBISHERS STORY

Lets not burden ourselves with the inconvenience of truth , as none of us were present at Cafe C's inaugural Gay Social.....lets just make it up !


It has happened to us all at one time or another
Dorset Poof's Night at Cafe C started so well.
Frobisher was on dazzling form , exercising his razor like whit and sophisticated banter as he flitted sinuously amongst the merry throng , serving drinks and tasty nibbles .
He leaped at the opportunity of showing off his superb coordination and finely honed athletic physique during the punishing games of Twister with the New Forest Lesbians.
All agreed his presentation of Bona Bingo was poetry in motion.
But inevitably his uncontrolled quaffing of the Cafe C legendary 'Screaming Orgasm' punch began to take its toll

By the 8th glass the urge to dress as Bette Davis became unbearable , by the 15th glass inhibitions had flown out the window and only base desires remained.
For the protection of Beastbites more delicate readers , We shall draw a veil over the 'goings on' in the latter part of the evening.........

As the cold and unforgiving winter dawn broke over Dorchesters finest dinning establishment , a desperately hungover Frobisher starts awake to face whatever unsuitable liaison youthful enthusiasm and binge drinking has led him to this time

WHAT'S IN BEASTS BAG

UPDATED

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You girls have your handbags , the Beast has his ever present MANBAG.

"WHATS IN YOUR BAG BEAST " I hear you rudely enquire.

Rather than brusquely telling you to feck off and mind your own business the Beast has opened his heart (and indeed his bag) for your delectation and delight.

OK left to right we have

1.Gym Kit , water bottle and towel - Before Miss MJ makes nasty remarks , they are all freshly laundered.

2.Packet of smints and Cherry flavoured Soothers.

3.The Fake Rolex Mr C brought me back from Turkey - Mr Frobisher got a fake Armani , sadly for Mr F within ten minutes it stopped working and the face fell off - for once the gods have spat on that blighter Frobisher and Beasty is smiled upon by angels :-)

4 . My Electronic cigarette with spare rechargeable battery and a replacement nicotine thing.

5.My wallet and a green connecty thing (no idea what it is but its always been in my bag)

6.A lipsyl - Beast puckers kissable lips MWA.

7. A Cafe C unintelligible shopping list (Would you guess 5 Britneys means 5 Asparagus bunches - no ? well nor did I......and so inevitably I got told off , my long list of short comings were discussed at high volume and in tedious detail and I was banished to scrub things in the kitchen and ponder the fact I had let everybody down , worst of all let my self down , and spoiled everybodies day - harrumph. Later when it was discovered I had bought non organic carrots the shite really hit the fan :-(

8. My lighter.

9. My gym toilet bag - the contents of which shall for the moment be shrouded in mystery .

See that was dull , bet your sorry you asked now

For Mr E , a nice picture of a UK electrical appliance plug and a wiring diagram from the more nerdy elements amongst my readership

THE BEST LAID PLANS

Oh well , despite months of testing , and every bugger on the planet supplying the Beast with cast iron sign off's which said things like


I have tested the new functionality and can categorically confirm it all works , to my expectations and you Beast are a genius etc etc





Predictably it all went horribly wrong






What the dear users meant to say was
This is my brain , I couldn't be arsed to test anything , despite confirming , in writing ,that I did , and now cant understand why it doesn't work/I don't know how to use it , or why this company, or for that matter any other company would employ me

The Beast will now spend the next couple of days sorting out the mess.

HARD AT IT !

Having just returned the Hounds of Hell to their Dad Mr C ,The Beast is unfortunatley rather busy for the rest of this week with the 'climax' of a major work project .

It has taken us months of 'foreplay' to get us here.

The Beast is determined to give maximum 'satisfaction' all round

Hopefully be back Sunday :-)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Whether you are having a few drinks










Or making a pig of yourself with all those Trick or Treat chocolates




The Beast wishes you a HAPPY HALLOWEEN

EARTHMOTHER

Not that anyone cares , but you may have wondered why the Beast has been largely absent this week .
Well what a week Beast "Single Mother of two" has had . Hellhounds Alfie and Lloyd are staying Chez Beastly while Mr C suns himself in Turkey.

When your normally only used to looking after yourself , it comes as a bit of a shock to suddenly have to run around , cooking(well opening a few cans) , cleaning , shopping , mopping up little accidents , daily garden 'dog log' cleanup , grooming , getting up in the night when little bladders are bursting and "Walkies".All this and fitting in with work and stuff.
I am exhausted


There are however a few benefits , If anyone wants us , you can find me and 'baby' Alfie shoplifting in Asda , these prams are damn handy for stowing 'liberated' goods and us hard pressed single mums need all the help we can get stretching our meager budgets . I wonder if I can apply for child support and a council flat ????

SIX RANDOM THINGS

Tagged by Scarlet Blue here are six random things about me

1. Atlanta Traffic Reporter Joy Barge bit me on the ass, by way of introduction at a birthday party at a transvestite review bar in London's Soho - please note a simple Hello would suffice.

2.I often get up and wander around in the middle of the night , for no apparent reason . I can tell when I have done this as there is a trail of half eaten things through the house - apples are my fave nightime snack.

3.My Cousin was late great Gardeners World(BBC gardening prog) presenter Geoff Hamilton.

4.I used to work as a Banquet waiter at Buckingham Palace.

5.I ended my 4 years of Karate Training in embarrassingly spectacular style by breaking my shoulder in a "How to fall safely" training seminar.

6. I love cleaning

PASS THE BUTTER*

Oh Yes . Last night was Tango Nite at Cafe C

A wonderful time was had by all , Mr C resplendent in snake hipped trousers , Cuban heels,shirt slashed to the waist , revealing a luxuriant chest wig and moodily stroking his 'Clarke Gable' moustache , the sultry lights flashing off his oiled pompadour (Don't misunderstand me It wasn't fancy dress , Mr C ALWAYS dresses like that)

Even Fellow Kitchen Bitches Frobisher and Kieth , got into the swing of things.The Beast Thinks Frobisher could have made more of an effort , who ever heard of a blonde Latin spitfire .

I was banished Cinderella like to the kitchen , to scrub the floor until it gleamed.

I was only released from my drudgery for

Last Tango in Dorchester

***sinister rattling of maraca's***

On another point , Christmas Stuff is popping up all over the place , Aisles and Aisles of crap in the supermarket.

The Beasts says.

IT's TOO FRIGGING EARLY

* If you don't get the butter reference.....go and hire yourself Last Tango in Paris