Saturday, 27 December 2008

THE GIFT HORSES BUTT



They say you should never look a gift horse in the mouth . With the Beasts current crop of gift disasters you would definitely be peering down the wrong end.

The Beast's present pultrichude started early this year with Mr C's pre xmas birthday , Karen Carpenter would have had problems squeezing into the supposedly Extra Large Gstar and Bench Tshirts .

The Pucci Doggy hoody I bought permanently chilly Lloyd didn't fit and the chews I bought Alfie left Mr C mopping up a huge pool of doggy diarrhoea from his lounge carpet as Xmas morn dawned.... As you can imagine the Beast is none too popular in Dorchester this festive season :-(

The tedious educational eco friendly sustainably farmed wooden toy I ordered for my niece (On the strict orders of her uptight vegetarian mother) . came ready wrapped , much to my relief as I had had enough of gift wrapping by this stage. However when the little brat ripped aside the wrapping .It turned out to be a dispatching error piece of plastic shite called Bubble Butt . when you switched this monstrosity on , it dropped its pants and farted bubbles from its sphincter. You can only imagine the baleful matriarchal glare this invoked, you would of thought I had been plying the little angel with whisky and teaching her filthy limericks .

The Cigarette lighter and combined watch for Beast minor exploded and badly singed the sofa .

The ill fitting lid of Ma Beasties JAmie Oliver Flavour shaker , flew off , the ingredient crushing ball flew out , cracking one of Pa Beasties expensive dental crowns and shattered the kitchen light.

We shall gloss over the dreadful stench that filled the house from the 'Toasty Toes' microwaveable slippers .

If I manage to make it to Next Year without getting lynched every bugger is getting cash !

20 comments:

CyberPete said...

Sounds like a fabulous Christmas Beastie.

I'm happy to report that it wasn't that eventful at chez CyberPete

Gorilla Bananas said...

This highlights the problem with giving people physical gifts, Beast. Consider giving services next time.

Daisy said...

cash pouches are easy and you don't have to wrap them...they even have store credit card boxes...NO WRAPPING...also, no time in lines...no trying to pick the perfect thing to have them tell you it is shit...nothing...just a pouch or a box and whala...you are done!!!!

Nuvalostlamb said...

HAHA!!! You could make one of those corny xmas comedy movies based on your disastrous xmas - it'd be a blockbuster hit...

I just cant decide how the film should be casted....maybe strict vegetarian mother could be played by Gwyneth Paltrow, you would be played by the bloke who looks like Danny de Vito (he was in who framed roger rabbit) papa beast would be the blole who played Bricktop in 'Snatch'....

Rubbish casting I know but that's all I can think of at top of head - who would you cast??

MJ said...

it dropped its pants and farted bubbles from its sphincter.

Aren't we all used to you doing that by now?

inkspot said...

Beast, you are on track to be your niece's all time favourite uncle, if you're not already. It's always the relatives that one's parents disapprove of most fiercely that the child adores the most.

BEAST said...

CyberPete said...
Sounds like a fabulous Christmas Beastie.

I'm happy to report that it wasn't that eventful at chez CyberPete
I had a great time ta Pete , glad you had a good one too

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
This highlights the problem with giving people physical gifts, Beast. Consider giving services next time.
No Way Mr B , god knows what sort of slavery the Beast clan would come up with

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
cash pouches are easy and you don't have to wrap them...they even have store credit card boxes...NO WRAPPING...also, no time in lines...no trying to pick the perfect thing to have them tell you it is shit...nothing...just a pouch or a box and whala...you are done!!!!
Daisy .I enjoy scouring the interwebs for bizzare presents and I am sure they secretly look forward to the disasters each year (I do sometimes get some good ones )

BEAST said...

Nuvalostlamb said...
HAHA!!! You could make one of those corny xmas comedy movies based on your disastrous xmas - it'd be a blockbuster hit...

I just cant decide how the film should be casted....maybe strict vegetarian mother could be played by Gwyneth Paltrow, you would be played by the bloke who looks like Danny de Vito (he was in who framed roger rabbit) papa beast would be the blole who played Bricktop in 'Snatch'....

Rubbish casting I know but that's all I can think of at top of head - who would you cast??
Nuva .Obviously Vin Deisel would be cast as the Beast , Ma Beasty would be played by that Miss Marple actress , Pa Beasty Dumbledore from Harry Potter .I think you got the sour veggy right tho :-)

BEAST said...

MJ said...
it dropped its pants and farted bubbles from its sphincter.

Aren't we all used to you doing that by now?
Its a fair cop Miss MJ . Its obviously Karma led to the dispatching of an uber Beast present

BEAST said...

inkspot said...
Beast, you are on track to be your niece's all time favourite uncle, if you're not already. It's always the relatives that one's parents disapprove of most fiercely that the child adores the most.
My neice loved it Inky , I bet it was thrown in the bin as soon as I left

scarlet-blue said...

I think I would enjoy being plyed with whisky and taught filthy limericks... I'll put it on my list for next year...
Sx

BEAST said...

I bet you know a few filthy limericks you could teach us Miss Scarlet

FirstNations said...

aren't farting toys and explosions what christmas is all about, though?
*wanders off looking confused*

shit, i got a statue of a human skull. be thankful.

BEAST said...

They certainly are for normal people miss FN , however uptight vegetarians inhabit a different 'fun is evil' universe.The skull sounds a real cool present , does it have a moving jaw so you can do 'I say , I say' jokes with it ???

eroswings said...

Perhaps something charitable for gifts next time, like having a tree planted or a highway cleaned in their honor. Now that's a gift that keeps on giving. Everyone likes clean air and clean roads.

BEAST said...

Mr E , Charity gifts don't do it for me at all . Buy me a gift or not , but dont give it to someone else , thats terrible :-)

Heff said...

Cash will be GREAT, Thanks !

BEAST said...

pffft Heff , you will be lucky

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