MERRY XMAS

I hope you are all having a relaxing and merry Christmas . The Beast feverishly unwrapped his presents this morning to find this horror . Hand made by Ma Beasty at her WI arts class or it may have been her AA rehabilitation course that nice judge Insisted she went to , when she was caught trying to shoplift a 50 pound frozen turkey from lidl's in the gusset of her tights . One suspects the hand of Mr C in this doomed adventure with his current crusade to ' rationalize and streamline the Cafe C cost base to within acceptable parameters' .....
One also suspects this involves armies of old ladies and small children liberating stock from every retail outlet within free bus pass range of Dorchester.
Anyway I digress , would anyone like to hazard a guess as to what the hell this is ??? And inform us as to the best and worse of this years presents



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PERFECT PRESENT

Dont you just love it when you find THE perfect christmas present for a dear friend.
At last Miss MJ will have a stylish phone case to match her much loved shoes :-)

THAT FESTIVE FEELING

Only another week of parties to go
Hurrah!
See you all soon

WOT I DID ON MY DAY OFF BY BEAST

On saturday we were all going on a day trip to Jersey   one of the chanel islands that is unfortunatley close to France.  As we all gathered at Cafe C, Frobisher was locked in lavatory refusing to come as he felt a bit rough.
We left , his  wailings and gnashings echoeing around an empty Cafe.
Where upon we Rushed to Weymouth and boarded the luxury fast catamaran to all points west

The captain and horny handed sailor types , cast off  , pointed the sharp end at France and powered up the engines ,  as we set about a hearty breakfast in the restaurant.
As we speeded away from the motherland ,  Dolphins and errr cows frollicked in the wake

Actually I made up the cows , but there were dolphins  , which was so exciting.
As the captain chirpily promised , the  3 hour crossing was a little choppy and we all felt a little queasy , but everyone heroically managed to keep the breakfast down.

We arrived in Jersey and sallied forth to the nearest Cafe  ,where we  had a spirited arguement about what to do with our 4 hours ashore

Sista C won with his suggestion of going to the zoo.
Altho there was initial dissent  it was magically unanimously supported once he threatened to report all of us for attempting to smuggle drugs on the return journey . There is much to be said for the power of prayer.

The Zoo was rather cool.
My particular favourites were

1.The Infomaniac sponsored fruit bat pavilion . The bats were like little insectile dogs ,they came creeping accross there rope bridges to have a good look at us when we came to the viewing window I like to think I am regarded as a god by this particular species as it was obviously me they wanted to see.

2.The Gorilla enclosure . This was very cool indeed , you got so close to them and got a real sense of their power and strange human similarities I could have stayed there all day.

Unfortunatley , there were no dugongs

Eventaully we raced back to the port and boarded the catamaran for the return journey to Weymouth . Once again the captain chirpilly informed us it was going to be a 'lively' crossing , but as I had been necking seasick pills I downed a hearty dinner, chain smoked duty free fags and quaffed a foaming mug of cuppacino in the howling gale on the aft deck for most of the voyage.
Some of our party did not fare so well ,  Janes digestive tract rebelled  about an hour into the crossing as we bounced and rolled past Guernsey

There is an old saying
'Worse things happen at sea'
I am afraid poor Jane proved this to be the case :-(

CREDIT CRUNCHED

In these cash straightened times , the Beast is doing his bit and publishing the dishevelled state of his underwear as a potent symbol of the austerity measures that are expected to be adopted by us all.There will be no frivolous expenditure at the Beast Lair or Cafe C until strong green shoots of recovery are clearly visible or the elastic finally gives out !

Even the Beast has had to take additional employment delivering publicity flyers for the fame hungry Mavis Boyle.
I am relaxing on Miss MJ's favourite fireside rug basking in the glow of a blazing pile of them as we speak.
Mavis may not have reached out and touched the lives of the thousands she had hoped , but has kept an old Beast cozy on a freezing night.
And that gentle reader should be enough for anyone !
Sleep well my lovelies

WHEELS WITHIN WHEELS

The Beast has eyes and ears everywhere and is aware of the unholy alliances being formed to attempt to waylay the Freaking Green Elf Shorts from reaching their rightful master.
 Miss Scarlet , a blogeress from darkest Devon appears to be at the centre of the axis of evil.
I submit the following surviellance photos into eveidence
1. Miss Scarlet conspires with notorius international agitator and Madonna fan ,Petra of Denmark

Notice Miss Scarlet sending secret messages to her watching minions by flashing semaphore with her tartan knickers

2. Miss Scarlet takes a secret meeting with Canadian Floozie and fellow FGES covetor Miss MJ

Notice the symbol for super secret crime organisation Spinchter on the wall behind Miss Scarlet.
Miss MJ (Code Name Infomaniac) is rumoured to be the insane mastermind behind this cartel of criminality and smutt . Its tendrils are believed to penetrate the very fabric of modern society from Aviation
(Infomaniac Air) , the arts (The Infomaniac Dancers) and liesure (The Infomanic House of Beauty) etc etc.
Only a  finely honed Beast  stands alone against this gathering storm

Pick your side and your reason dear reader and hang the consequences

BLESSED

It has been a week of miracles .
Firstly The Beast has won The Freakin Green Elf Shorts and they will be travelling back to the UK . I expect the economic woes to dissapate and peace and love to blossom as the sainted garment lands on our shores.

Secondly Mr C has found God (would have thought the all seeing all knowing diety could have dodged that one) and now wants to be known as Sister C of the Steaming Panini , and will offering a free confession with every sambuca shot purchased.

Whatever next , a virgin birth from Mavis during a live Bingo set ??? 

FUCKING SCALLOPS

I hate bollocking frozen scallops . Cafe C does a marvellous line of salad bowls  .The Beast  looks on these as an artistic challenge and has managed to give the impresion of an opening flower  with the payload gently nestled in the magic fronds , glistening tomatoes , a constellation of assorted salad vegetables and studded with black olives
I just realised that sounds almost pornographic , however we digress , The one salad bowl that almost makes me run screaming down Dorchester high street with my chef trousers on my head is Pan Seared FUCKING SCALLOPS
Bastard frigging things
***does angry dance***
Some bastard always orders one when I am up to my neck in smoking paninii , steaming jackets , bubbling Carribean chicken curry and bleating waitresses.
One day soon  , something will snap and I will fly from the kitchen and beat the happless diner to death with the frozen bag of  fishy fiends.
Just sayin !

Freakin Competition

If Old Knudsen were King and Miss Mj were Queen!

SAME OLD SCHTICK

Well dear readers you may have been wondering whats been happening to The Beast of late . I can exclusivley reveal...... much the same as usual.
Its been one long round of work , work and more work .

It was decided that iether Cafe C or Mr C needed a facelift , with limited time and a credit crunched budget Mr C was packed off with great wadges of  masking tape and a bulldog clip at the back of his neck holding everything in place cunningly hidden under a cartwheel hat with stuffed animals and piles of fruit on top

 The far easier  and cheaper option of revamping the Cafe exterior was taken. Marvel dear reader at Mr C's golden sconces

Other Cafe C related news.

We had a health inspection and managed to blag FOUR FECKING GOLD STARS.......how cool is that.

A frankly barking Mavis Boyle made a comeback

Mavis was last seen cavorting on stage  and going down a storm with the assembled rug munchers

Mavis/Frobisher confided to me next morning that they found it hard to believe he wasnt born a natural woman..... make of that gentle reader what you will!

On the whole Cafe C has been a happy ship sailing the high seas of culinary excellence heaving to on  occasion to phillibuster the local competition  , and  possibly scrape Captain C's barnacles .This is blatantly an excuse to bandy that old nautical favourite His bottom is foul (look it up....the term  dumbass not Mr C's  FOUR FECKING GOLD STAR HYGENICALLY CLEAN bottom)

However we have had our instances of discord , just this past weekend The Beasts fantastical plate dressing skills were called into questions......and cross words were had

Anyway (Piggy's favourite word) , onwards and upwards as our happy clappy American chums would have it , and apart from the odd unforseen incident (An unfortunate trainspotting outburst from James on Taunton Station...I was mortified)

Everything is going great :-) 





ETERNAL DAMNATION

Not wishing to offend anyone or risk being cast for all eternity into the bowels of hell  ....... To be quite frank the current pope freaks me out :-(

FEVERED IMAGINATION

The Beast will be back  blogging shortly ,  but I just had to share with you the conclusions of many hours wondering where Miss Scarlet and MJ had dissapeared to at the same time.Add to this  a few shots of absynthe , a camera phone , a hippy picture a few barbies and

The Beast Proudly presents

MJ and SCARLS BIG ADVENTURE PART 1

***Thanks to young Midge for the loan of her barbies  and Barbie mobile

BUSY

Summer season is upon us . Cafe C is going balistic and I also have a major project at propper work that is coming to a spectacular climax (ooher !).
As if the long hours ,stress and buzzing about between Bournemouth and Cafe C were not bad enough , I have also been having problems sleeping as I cracked a rib a few weeks back and mullered my shoulder and am in constant pain.  I even had to resort to wearing a girdle of sorts to hold everything in place and stop further damage.....much to the delight of Mr C , who finds the whole thing hilarious .
Its going to be pretty busy for the next few weeks and I will blog when time allows (Which isnt looking good at the moment) .So my lovelies , stay happy and healthy and I will be back amongst you as soon as the maddness settles down :-)

SHORTS

Ma and Pa Beastly have been to stay . To keep the devils occupied and stop them rearranging the furniture every time I turned my back , we went on a little road trip to Westbay , adjacent to Mr Mutleys much loved Bridport.





Poor old Ma Beasty had done her shoulder in and was shuffling about like quasi modo (not that we laughed or took the piss......much mwa ha ha ha ) . It was as Pa Beasty took this picture , I noticed his shorts . They look rather nice , I said suspiciously , as Pa Beasty usually dresses like worzel gummidge
oh these are just some old rag I found in the wardrobe , he preened
But WHOSE wardrobe sniggered Ma Beasty sotto voice
I couldn't believe it the old devil had pinched my favourite Bench shorts




Pa Beasty posing in his Pilfered shorts.
Anyway short of debagging the swine , I had to leave it and get on with the rest of the day .We had a very nice lunch on the quay ,  wanderered about (a lurching shuffle in Ma Beasties case ***snigger***) and eventually retired to Dorchester to the Cafe C garden for a dorset cream tea hosted by an uncharacteristically jovial Mr C .
Replete with their free tea I then had to endure the fossils waxing lyrically all the way home about how Mr C was always their favourite son , so polite , funny and industrious..blah blah blah... Not like the rest of us dull , work shy deadweights .
I tried in vain to point out he wasn't actually their son , which was summarily dismissed as a mere accident of biology , genetics and location.....bloody cheek!






In more Cafe C news . Saturday was going so well until the oven door exploded.
I off course got the blame.:-(
So a typical week . Robbed . Disowned.Wrongfully accused ....oh and I cracked a rib staggering about with the Cafe C Stage .
But am I bitter
HELL YES!
**** kicks next doors cat***

DISCONNECTED

The Beasts Lair is 'sans Interwebs' at present as the 'connection has got in a knot' or somesuch technical nonsense.
I am assured that a highly trained team of technicians is Beavering* away to restore my connectivity (and bring balance to the force ****Beast waves rubber light sabre about and makes Star Wars noises*** )

*This was blatantly just a ploy to show yet another picture of Miss MJ's beaver

Update 8/7 . Still without Internet . spent hours on the phone to various different levels of Talktalk support ....going round and round in circles grrrrrrrrrr. I shall just sit and gaze at MJ's beaver and hope divine intervention strikes :-(

GOING GA GA

-Do you know I haven't got a clue what to post about.I could waffle on about the Cafe C weekend shenanigans .
James got a groin strain dirty dancing with 25 Drunken young women inexplicably dressed as Lady Ga Ga.(the ladies not James...he was dressed as Dame Judy Dench as usual , he has not got the legs for it but will he listen to reason)
Mr C burnt my lovingly prepared tapas canapes ( I say lovingly prepared....I opened the box and placed them on a lightly greased tray for god sake ).
Frobisher was festering at the sink as another act had been booked instead of Mavis , I could hear him muttering about rubbish singing and huffing at the jokes as he moodily slung the washing up about in the sink . Mr C sneaked in the kitchen and warily eyeing Frobisher said loudly
"I can smell something BITTER"
and then ran off before he was decapitated by a plate

The lovely Miss Marsh was guesting at the bar , but luckily no underpants when missing this time. There are rumours of ghastly gastric incidents following her culinary experiments , which have resulted in furtive flushings of said begrimed undergarments , or maybe she steals them and spends her Sunday evenings dancing sound with them on her head....sniffing , they do strange things in Basingstoke.

Then again I could just sit here
And do nothing
Harumph!
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SLINGS AND ARROWS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE 2

Miss MJ patron saint of saggy nekkid old men , incontinence and "aromatic" cake has been cruelly forced from our lives.

Where else will I discover tea bagging isn't just getting aerobic with ones afternoon tea , or the wisdom of giving your slice of cake a quick sniff and inspecting the icing for butt prints before digging in.
In short dear reader Miss MJ has enriched all our lives and shown us things that we would never usually have seen ( and frankly on some occasions , ignorance really can be bliss).
So get your sorry butts over to Mr Eroswings who is taking on corporate America and championing Miss MJ's cause.

Hands off Miss MJ fat cat Mr Google , she may be a smutty old bag , but she is OUR smutty old bag AND WE WANT HER SCRUBBED AND SENT TO OUR ROOM
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAFE C

-Cafe C has been open for two years this week . Once the wild exclamations of fuck me ! why havnt we been closed down??? And the hysterical laughter ( hysterical sobbing on the part of my bank manager) calmed down we got down to the serious business of planning a party.
And what a party it was! An eclectic bill of acts was kicked off with a blissfully short burst of Tranaoke followed by our very own Mavis . Mavis was soon joined on stage by the indescribable Jodie Farce ( look her up on utube) . I was perplexed on how best to describe Miss Farce , I think the phrases " enthusiastic " and " over excited" probably best describe it . MEmories are long and traditions deep rooted in a county town like Dorchester , had Miss Farce performed like this 200 years ago , she would have been dragged from this place and burnt at the stake for demonic possession , Not wanting to risk a throwback Mavis had to storm the stage after three numbers and throw the harpy off , and still the baying crown till our headliner Candy Slag took control. the evening entertainment was rounded into the wee small hours by the dulcet tones of Jack Daniels .
what of our favourite kitchen tyrant and proprietor Mr C...... Bizarrely he drank water all night and didn't shout once. Had I not been up to my neck in steaming pannini and dirty glasses I think I would have been a little freaked out by this.
Sunday was spent cleaning up (me and James) and lounging on the sofa like a super annuated Joan Collins , demanding drinks and food at regular intervals(Mr C ). Finally I got home on Sunday evening to play with my Ipad .
What gentle reader did you get up to ???







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iPad

Wooooo hoooo just got an iPad . Will be back tomorrow when I have finished fiddling :-)


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Location:Stamford Rd,Bournemouth,United Kingdom

JUST A QUICKIE

The Beast is without a laptop at present or 'Sans PC' for those with ghastly european tendencies .Stabbing away at my Iphone with big old sausage fingers just does not do it for me .
So
You will just have to amuse yourselves till I pry my laptop back from Mr C's avaricious grasp , him having banjaxed his own laptop in an unpleasant pineapple related incident(Dont ask , it could put you off of fruit salad for life)

EAGER BEAVER

In the early hours of monday morning Beast was dragged from beneath his fragrant Duvet by the insitant ringing of the Beast phone to be summoned to an ailing Miss MJ's assistance .
As the Betty Ford swat team tightened the last strap and manhandled Miss MJ off for 'a long rest' , Beast was given instructions to look after Miss MJ's favourite pet for the duration.

This bad tempered , evil smelling brute is now making the Beasts life a mysery .It has so far demolished the Beasts nest of occasional tables to build a dam in the bath and is eyeing my classic oak dining table in a very nasty way. To keep the little swine out of trouble I have taken to wearing it strapped to my head as a hat.If it was good enough for Davey Crocket its good enough for me.

 Relations had been a little cool with Miss Scarlet of late after the buttered buttocks/patio doors incident , that resulted in Miss S knocking off a very terse letter of complaint to Mr C advising that propper staff training and tighter stock control at Cafe C would have prevented a nasty situation and some very stubborn stains.She has however recognised the comedic potential of my current house guest and has taken to late night anonimous phone calls where she breathes  in a variety of ridiculous accents "Nice Beaver Mr Beastie" and then guffaws loudly .  

One has to excuse Miss Scarlet sometimes . She lives in the middle of a field in darkest Devon where this type of behaviour and whittling mangle wurzels passes for entertaining evening in until television reception arrives (expected Late 2015) .In case your wondering a Devonian evening out usually involves a portable BBQ and shovel and scraping something up off the road.

However I digress , I am sure you will all join me in wishing Miss MJ a speedy return to her Mojo .

THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED

As if working seven days a week  , enduring Mr C's 'Tough Love' bipolariod management techniques and Frobisher's alterego Mavis publically ripping me to shreds every time I venture from the safety of my kitchen to deliver trays of spotless glasses and crockery to the bar wasn't bad enough . Cafe C has a new torture to make my working hours a living nightmare .
TRANIEOAKE
Oh yes , two blokes , two wigs, two glittery frocks , a karaoke machine and not a functioning vocal cord between them.
It would have made me weep if I wasnt tone deaf

TECHNOLOGICAL TANTRUMS

A work chum of the Beast was bragging of buying a Robot vacuum cleaner.The Beast is troubled by this on two fronts . Firstly being a bit of a puritan , the Beast values the cathartic experience of cleansing ones environment with a vigorous thrashing around with the dyson.
Secondly , the Beast has previously had a rather bad experience with autonomous gadgets.
A few years back I bought the newest gadget on the block , the Tivo TV recorder , it downloaded its own TV guide and made decisions about what programs to record for you by monitoring what you were watching/recording. (The prerunner for todays sky plus boxes)
It all started well enough , the Beast would have a nightly feast of comedy , sci fi and documentories that the Tivo had selected for my pleasure . Sadly this idyllic state of  being was not to last . Within a month the dratted object began developing a little personality  disorder of its own and started an obsession with crap teenage soap Hollyoaks . This became so bad that it began bumping things of my record list to record yet more hollyoaks repeats and omnibus editions untill it eventually refused to record anything else .................and do you know what..........the damn thing looked smug.....
The Beast decided on decisive action and scoured the manual and found a very well hidden option in the depths of the menu system where you could select a program and forbid that is ever recorded again .
Well this caused a mexican standoff for a couple of weeks were the devil box sulked and refused to record anything , but it eventually buckled and began recording my requests again .......but I knew all was not well , I used to catch it twittering to itself when I left the room , I could see it through a crack in the door , thinking it was alone , lights would flash , disks would grind and wirr and it would stop the minute I walked back in. I just knew it was plotting .Eventually the Hollyoaks recordings  started again, just the odd one occasionally and then it went completely bats and the whole total Hollyoaks wipe out  started again.
The battle ensued for months , forbidding Hollyoaks , the sulking , running down in the night to disconnect the blasted thing from the mains when I heard it twittering and plotting in the wee small hours.
Eventually I could take no more and a final trip to the dump bought the whole sorry episode to an end.
Now just imagine the havoc  a rogue autominous vacuum cleaner could wreak  , sneaking about tripping you up  , hiding in cupboards and flying out when you least expected it and attaching itself to various parts of you anatomy and giving you a very nasty suck..noisily mounting the Dyson  on the fireside rug whle you have the Vicar round for tea .As Mrs Pouncer would say....its beyond reason
This is one gadget the Beast will be giving a  very wide birth !
What paranoid luddite fantasies are you nurturing dear readers ????

NORDIC NAUGHTINESS

Not content with pinching our savings in the great Icesave swindle ,thus forcing poor Frobisher to earn a few  extra pennies to supplement his meagre pension desporting himself of an evening dressed as a lady. Those Zany Icelanders are at it again

On this occasion the devils are wafting a great cloud of volcanic ash over the UK .This has not only bought our aviation industry to a grinding halt .It will probably add insult to injury  and probably drop a foul mess all over poor Mr C's newly steam cleaned pristine back passage.

As an antidote to all this appalling behaviour The Beast scoured the interwebs for amusing facts about Iceland.
In short there don't seem to be any .....except (get ready to tape up those splitting sides)


ICELANDERS DO NOT HAVE SURNAMES

As I wring out my mirth moistened underwear , I noticed that the other interesting fact is that most of the Icelandic forbears came from Norway and Iceland has an abundance of fish
So we know how they amuse themselves on those long dark winter nights(Which last 20 hours)
***Gives knowing nod to Miss MJ***

 Miss Scarlets fish finger fan pales in comparison

GOING ROUND THE BEND

Easter , Easter , Easter , while all the rest of you are dossing about scratching your nether regions , gorging on cheap and nasty chocolate or aimlessly drifting round garden centres . The Beast was working (Well what a fecking surprise) . The Cafe was rammed Friday and Saturday daytimes and we were jammed solid for the Saturday Rubber Duck Cabaret Nite with an additional Hen Party of 25 shoe Horned in at the last minute for dinner and carousing .Beast cooked , the singers sang , Mavis bingoed and Mr C got plastered.
Easter sunday Beast scraped confetti off the floor and pondered the Easter mysteries , like how come no one bought me an egg......tight ass miserable bastards , but this was soon forgotten when it was announced we were off for a Cafe C visit to Thorpe Park the next day.
After a night of fevered excitement Easter Monday finally dawned , and Beast set off to rendevue with James Mr C and the girls in a car park off the M27 , where we coffee'd and set off .
The Park was busy when we arrived so we bought the fasttrack tickets so we could swan ahead of the polyester clad sweating masses and lord it at the front of the queue. I wanted to buy the really really expensive premium tickets , where I imagine being ceremoniously borne upon a gilded litter towards the front of the queue , with scantilly clad hand maidens scattering rose petals and silvered sugared almonds in my path . Sadly Mr C vitoed this suggestion in favour of more donuts and burgers.
The rides were great and my top three are as follows

Collosus . Its wicked , packed with loops and corkscrews and all with your legs dangling , getting a bit of air to your vitals :-)

Tidal Wave . I love this ride , you get soaked thru to your pants (Underpants for our colonial cousins)

Saw . Themed on the film franchise and features a vertical climb and drop over an overhang with plenty of loops , corkscrews and unexpected drops













There was even more thrills for one of our party as Thorpe Park is right in the flight path of the main take off runway of London Heathrow  .Poor James was nearly sick on the crappy 'backwards in the dark' rollercoaster . I think it was a case of over excitement from all those 747's and the like powering overhead . He completely blew his studied nonchelance when he breathlessly squeaked out an impressive list of statistics when one of those new double decker 800 seater Jumbo's lumbered into the sky to sarcastic hoots of derision from Mr C
We all had a marvellous day and were about the last people to be thrown  dripping from the park after just one last go on Tidal Wave.
What did you all get up to for the Easter weekend ???
Does anyone know how to get the spellchecker back , its seems to have dissapeared from the blogger toolbar ???

I just realised it wasnt collosus I liked best it was Nemesis Inferno , which was dangly ,loopy , corkscrewy fun