Friday, 30 January 2009

APPALLING GENIUS



Paris Hilton's search for a British Best Friend Premiered last night on ITV2.

It was bad. So shockingly bad , it is almost art . I was transfixed from beginning to end as the almost skeletal Paris pouted her way thru a show that is basically The Apprentice for really really dumb people.

All the contestants were a bizarre shade of orange(a fake tan shade referred to scathingly as Essex Peach) , their pipe cleaner legs barely able to support the pile of greasy hair extensions heaped upon their heads.A good half of the contestants are feral, piggy eyed , grasping, fame seekers.The other half seemed to be a bit confused as to why they are there. One suspects the latter group have been included as cannon fodder for the fame seekers and will be picked off without mercy in the coming few weeks.

One hapless contestant was eliminated last night by a glacial and implacable Paris for having an almost complete mental breakdown after having her hair force ably cut to a style and length dictated by Paris's team of naff stylists.

To my surprise and shame , I thoroughly enjoyed the program , and am genuinely looking forward to the next episode.

Is there something wrong with me ????

54 comments:

scarlet-blue said...

All the contestants were a bizarre shade of orange

Which clashed with their pearl pink lipstick and frosted fushia blusher.
Not that I'd know, I was watching Newsnight on BBC2....
Sx

BEAST said...

Aha !
Another secret fan in denial
I of course was really watching Top Gear on Dave while belching and scratching in a blokeish manner

MJ said...

Is there something wrong with me ????

Where shall I begin?

Gorilla Bananas said...

You loved it, Beast, just admit it. Watching Paris is probably the best reassurance that you're leading a worthy life.

scarlet-blue said...

Mr Beastie has been checking out make up tips...
Sx

scarlet-blue said...

... and attaching hair extentions to his favourite merkin...
Sx

MJ said...

Peach isn't Beast's colour.

We've all seen his curtains.

AND his carpet.

eroswings said...

Why weren't the censors alerted!?! Didn't Britain just pass a law banning this kind of filth!?! I don't believe for a second that she's a woman--well, at least not born as one! With all that money, you'd think she'd be able to fix that lazy, crooked eye!

Well, I hope y'all wash your hands and wear masks and gloves in the UK, because she just exposed y'all to some serious infectious and social diseases! It'll be the Black Death all over!

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Is there something wrong with me ????

Where shall I begin?
You can start at the very beginning....
A very good place to start...

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
You loved it, Beast, just admit it. Watching Paris is probably the best reassurance that you're leading a worthy life.
Thats the trouble Mr B , I DID LOVE IT . Do you think its fatal ?

BEAST said...

scarlet-blue said...
Mr Beastie has been checking out make up tips...
But Is Frosted fushia me Miss Scarlet ???

BEAST said...

scarlet-blue said...
... and attaching hair extentions to his favourite merkin...

Platinum ???

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Peach isn't Beast's colour.

We've all seen his curtains.

AND his carpet.
Look shes at it again
Just like I was saying over at cyberpoofs crib
My poor soft furnishing
ridiculed
Globally

BEAST said...

eroswings said...
Why weren't the censors alerted!?! Didn't Britain just pass a law banning this kind of filth!?! I don't believe for a second that she's a woman--well, at least not born as one! With all that money, you'd think she'd be able to fix that lazy, crooked eye!

Well, I hope y'all wash your hands and wear masks and gloves in the UK, because she just exposed y'all to some serious infectious and social diseases! It'll be the Black Death all over!
I sense issues
***backs slowly from room***

scarlet-blue said...

Platinum extentions and blue shadow, I think.
Sx

Daisy said...

yes beast...there is something wrong with you...perhaps you had the manflu one too many times this year and the infected cells went to your brain...

btw the tinfoil hat doesn't help with the people in the tv...they go straight into your brain...run away...run away...

Homo Escapeons said...

Your first mistake was allowing yourself to hop aboard the vapid-transit system known as reality TV.

It is the proverbial carwreck scenario..you HAVE to look..which evolves into a Patty Hearstian bout of Stockholm Syndrome in which you start to identify with your captors.

I think that we must be approching the zenith of this Cult of Celebrity..Andy Warhol's prediction that everybody will get 15 minutes of fame seems remarkably doable..think YouTube.

Just admit that you're going to continue gawking at this spectacle of the Vanities and keep telling yourself that you are better than celebutantes like Paris..this is why we watch. If we had all that money we KNOW for certain that we wouldn't be such twats.
Right?

inkspot said...

Hard one, that. Tell us this, Beast: does watching PH make you write better code? And don't get all evasive with "it depends what you mean by better", just answer the frigging question.

BEAST said...

scarlet-blue said...
Platinum extentions and blue shadow, I think.
should go very nicely with my streaky tan Miss Scarlet

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
yes beast...there is something wrong with you...perhaps you had the manflu one too many times this year and the infected cells went to your brain...

btw the tinfoil hat doesn't help with the people in the tv...they go straight into your brain...run away...run away...
But I did so enjoy it Miss Daisy . Paris is my new best friend

BEAST said...

Homo Escapeons said...
Your first mistake was allowing yourself to hop aboard the vapid-transit system known as reality TV.

It is the proverbial carwreck scenario..you HAVE to look..which evolves into a Patty Hearstian bout of Stockholm Syndrome in which you start to identify with your captors.

I think that we must be approching the zenith of this Cult of Celebrity..Andy Warhol's prediction that everybody will get 15 minutes of fame seems remarkably doable..think YouTube.

Just admit that you're going to continue gawking at this spectacle of the Vanities and keep telling yourself that you are better than celebutantes like Paris..this is why we watch. If we had all that money we KNOW for certain that we wouldn't be such twats.
Right?
But
But
I am already a complete twat
I just dont have the money :-(

BEAST said...

inkspot said...
Hard one, that. Tell us this, Beast: does watching PH make you write better code? And don't get all evasive with "it depends what you mean by better", just answer the frigging question.
Blimey Inky my coding is bad enough already , I dont think Miss Hilton could affect it one way or another

Famulus said...

Maybe it is indeed still to early for me to return to the UK...

inkspot said...

Beast, some of us find that the right woman inspires us to improve ourselves. Paris Hilton could just be the one who makes your clever sequences of iterated do loops do something besides crash the machine.

BEAST said...

Famulus said...
Maybe it is indeed still to early for me to return to the UK...
Come now Fammy , since when were us chaps frightened of a stick insect in a wig , pull yourself together man

BEAST said...

inkspot said...
Beast, some of us find that the right woman inspires us to improve ourselves. Paris Hilton could just be the one who makes your clever sequences of iterated do loops do something besides crash the machine.
As with map reading ,female logic and boolean algebra don't mix in my experience Inky

Famulus said...

Beast: I refer not to my fear of bewigged stick insects, rather to my ability to be attracted to the females of he land, which seems a little optimistic if that is the current role model...

BEAST said...

Famulus said...
Beast: I refer not to my fear of bewigged stick insects, rather to my ability to be attracted to the females of he land, which seems a little optimistic if that is the current role model...
I am sure only a small percentage view Paris as a role model , we shall have to ask the opinion of some english ladies

Famulus said...

Ladies: What do you think of Ms Hilton and the general supply of available women in England? My taste is no so extreme or nailed only to that which is skin deep. Is there hope? Shall I find a woman worthy of my devotion upon my return to the land of my birth?

Or am I screwed either way?

RSVP

scarlet-blue said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
scarlet-blue said...

Well you will be okay with me then Mr Fammy, as my role model is Ann Widdecombe.
Sx

P.S Yep, my map reading may leave something to be desired, but as a woman, at least I know how to drive...

Famulus said...

Scarls: I think that I may have preferred your first choice. At least the age and cleavage were better. But I'd come back for you, for sure. :-)

I thought that the only reason that women wanted men at all was for map reading? Most men just don't realise what a threat to us TomTom really is. Mind you, whilst TomTom steers people down footpaths and into rivers we should be safe...

Ponita said...

I am not in the UK, but I do model myself after Xena, Warrior Princess, or some long forgotten Viking Warrior woman (a relative, I am sure, as I am half Viking myself).

I have age and I have cleavage (and brains, which is not something anyone can say for Paris). And I am available.... Perhaps I should relocate to the UK and trounce Paris' skinny little American arse back across the pond.

Famulus said...

Having a buxom Viking trounce Ms Hilton would be something worth rushing back to the UK to watch... :-)

Ponita said...

Fammy, it would be something akin to dwarf tossing, I am sure. She wouldn't stand a chance for half a second with me.... *grins wickedly*

Could be fun, couldn't it!? I will let you know the date of the spectacle.

Winner takes you....!!!

BEAST said...

Oh lordy are you lot STILL flirting
Jeeez

Famulus said...

I'll flirt till I'm dead. And then my headstone will have to have something suggestive...

BEAST said...

Wheres that hungover trollop Miss MJ , she will show you what flirting is all about

scarlet-blue said...

'And then my headstone will have to have something suggestive...'

Like: Here's a stiffy.

Sx

Ponita said...

Well, of course we are still flirting!

Are you jealous, Mr. Beast?

BEAST said...

Shocking behaviour Miss Ponita
Whatever next

mutleythedog said...

I still need my trowel back and the small bucket for cement... when will I get it?

MJ said...

Well I can see I didn't miss anything here today.

Mr.Mutley: Your bucket is on Beast's bedside table. Don't ask.

mutleythedog said...

Thanks MJ - er... what is that stuff?

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
I still need my trowel back and the small bucket for cement... when will I get it?
I have been wearing the bucket as a hat , it looks rather jaunty , the trowel has been enormously helpful I will be sad to to see it go

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Well I can see I didn't miss anything here today.
Well there has been plenty of middle aged flirting Miss MJ , a nice cup of tea and a little light knitting is just not enough for some people

Mr.Mutley: Your bucket is on Beast's bedside table. Don't ask.
It is full of satisfying snacks in case one wakes close to starvation in the night

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
Thanks MJ - er... what is that stuff?
Its boiled rhubarb Mr Mutley , the damn stuff gets everywhere

Ponita said...

There's nothing wrong with middle aged flirting, Mr Beast.

In fact, it can be quite fun at times. I still think you are jealous. ;-)

BEAST said...

Not so Ponita , I am just one of the bitter ones :-)
Or as Frobisher put it a sarcastic type with a loose grip on reality

Leah said...

Late to the shocking middle aged flirting and such, but as I am only third-age, I shan't participate...

Beast--the Paris show is only second to the abhorrently diabolically shamefully skankily compelling Tila Tequila--which I've never laid eyes on--

MJ said...

Mr. Mutley: Beast is simply trying to cover up the fact that he uses your bucket to hand wash my delicate underthings.

BEAST said...

Leah said...
Late to the shocking middle aged flirting and such, but as I am only third-age, I shan't participate...

Beast--the Paris show is only second to the abhorrently diabolically shamefully skankily compelling Tila Tequila--which I've never laid eyes on--
I shall watch out for that one Leah , it sounds GREAT

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Mr. Mutley: Beast is simply trying to cover up the fact that he uses your bucket to hand wash my delicate underthings.
I am simple trying to cover up the fact that Miss MJ's underthings have melted your bucket :-(

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