GASTRO GNOME

I grant you this may look like a dreadful gastric incident , but oh gentle reader , you would be so wrong .

This is the Beasts Famed Onion Marmalade , commissioned exclusively for Dorchester's premiere eating establishment Cafe C.

What the esteemed Mr C does exactly with the onion marmalade is shrouded in mystery , however I can report having to clean a splat of it from the ceiling on my last surprise kitchen clean fest , some whisper of dark satanic rituals , others still remark on Mr C's untamed culinary enthusiasms , I myself am strictly of the opinion that Mr C is a messy bastard....

However I promised Miss First Nations the recipe and here it is .

6 large red onions

2 and 1/2 cups brown sugar

3 cups Balsamic vinegar

20 peppercorns (roughly crushed or limply squashed depending on your mood)

2 chillies

8 bay leaves

1. Peel and thinly slice onions

2.Place in large pan with a good slurp of olive oil and cook till onions are soft

3. Add a bit of the sugar and cook till the onions start to brown

4. Add rest of sugar , vinegar , crushed pepper , chopped chillie and bay leaves

5.Bring to boil and cook at a rolling boil until liquid has almost disappeared (About 30 minutes)

6.By this stage your house will reek of vinegar and onions

7. While you choke on the vinegar fumes , place well washed jars in a low oven for about 20 minutes to sterilise .

8.Jar up and seal your marmalade , will keep about 3 months in the fridge .

9 open all windows and doors for about a week, wash all your clothes , shower about 15 times till vinegary , oniony stench subsides