Monday, 23 February 2009

DISAPPOINTMENT







Miss MJ mentioned The Baked Bean Museum in her recent post comments .




Undoubtedly a fantastic day out , but brings to mind a bitter holiday


disappointment of recent years.



Against my better judgement I was talked into a weeks cycling holiday in the Dordogne region of France .



Travel was by Eurostar to Paris , then a four hour TGV to the Dordogne . Lets first deal with the TGV . You hear so much, oft repeated blether on how wonderful the French trains are . Well they are fast , I will give you that .However as we all know the french are firmly stuck in the 1970's porn flick school of decor (For god sake they floral wallpaper EVERYTHING including the backs of doors and the ceiling) . The train interior was ghastly , a medley of migraine inducing oranges and greens , lots of smoked glass and sticky fake leather seats . The air conditioning conked out as soon as we left Paris and the toilets overflowed in the middle of the Loire valley . We spent most of the journey firmly welded to the vinyl seats gagging in the stifling 'not so delicate hint of bowel' atmosphere.



Formidable ??? NON!!!!



The holiday itinerary was that you arrived and picked up your bikes , then each day you followed the planned cycle routes from hotel to hotel enjoying this unique holiday region and the company transport your luggage.


Sounds lovely.



Sadly , It was steaming hot , the bikes were like something they found at the local dump , the hotels were uniformly dreadful and the cycle routes were obviously designed by some purist uptight vegan self flagellating miserablist . They avoided all tourist fleshpots(I was brought up in Margate for the love of god , Naff Tourist Fleshpots is what I live for) and pointlessly meandered up every damn hill in France on the pretext of visiting some dull as ditchwater church or award winning Village (Every frigging god forsaken dump in the Dordogne has The Most Beautiful Village in France award) . It was on the last day we realised you could actually cycle to your next hotel in about half an hour if you took the direct route , no 90 km slog ,no hills , no boring churches and plenty of decadent touristy crap to be enjoyed , I would have given my right arm for a glow in the dark Eifel Tower or a Diana The Huntress teatowel

Incidently every chateaux in France has a room where Diana of Poitier shagged a king or a prince.....Diana the Huntress indeed , the woman was a right royal slapper

anyway (Piggies favourite word)

On about the third day of this purgatory I found a leaflet some poor soul had hidden down the back of the bed , advertising the wonders of



Walnut World .... The Best Walnut Themed Day Out In the WORLD.



Man I was transfixed , just imagine all that walnut themed FUN . I WAS GAGGING FOR IT and it was only 30 kilometers from where we were . After a sleepless night my fellow joy deprived cyclists and I set off in a fever of walnut related excitement.



Oh how we chatted and fantasised of the wonders awaiting us as We peddled through the broiling midday sun , slogged up ferocious hills and eventually arrived sweat soaked and exhausted at the shimmering pleasure seeking tourist Mecca that is Walnut World.......



IT WAS FUCKING CLOSED !!



And that dear reader is why I hate the French !





48 comments:

Lippy said...

But Beast - we can't, it's like hating half our genome!! And you can't say "The French" either....can you, it's like "I hate you Mum !"

And also glad to spot you are such a cheery soul to holiday with and blessed with such good luck. (crosses Beast off list of potential holiday companions!)

scarlet-blue said...

It would have been a pile of nuts anyhow...
Or a furniture sale...?
Sx

BEAST said...

Lippy said...
But Beast - we can't, it's like hating half our genome!! And you can't say "The French" either....can you, it's like "I hate you Mum !"

And also glad to spot you are such a cheery soul to holiday with and blessed with such good luck. (crosses Beast off list of potential holiday companions!)
Lippy , it was the worst holiday I have ever been on , even worse than Butlins . , and that is saying something

BEAST said...

scarlet-blue said...
It would have been a pile of nuts anyhow...
Or a furniture sale...?
Miss Scarlet
it was going to be unfettered walnut related fun
The advert said so :-(
and now I will never know

Gorilla Bananas said...

This Walnut World sounds pretty ridiculous. There were probably out-of-work actors in squirrel costumes nibbling on goat's testicles. In the mood you were in you would have probably asked for your money back.

scarlet-blue said...

I really need to know about Walnut World.. AND I NEED TO KNOW NOW!!!!
Sx

MJ said...

I WAS GAGGING FOR IT

Why don't you just make that your motto?

CyberPete said...

It's all the same to me as I'm allergic to walnuts.

I like Paris though. Going on biking holidays is insane why oh why?

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
This Walnut World sounds pretty ridiculous. There were probably out-of-work actors in squirrel costumes nibbling on goat's testicles. In the mood you were in you would have probably asked for your money back.

Mr Bananas , I bet it was fabulous , and now we shall never know :-(

BEAST said...

scarlet-blue said...
I really need to know about Walnut World.. AND I NEED TO KNOW NOW!!!!

Exactly how I felt Miss Scarlet , but all our hopes and dreams were cruelly dashed by the foul french

BEAST said...

MJ said...
I WAS GAGGING FOR IT

Why don't you just make that your motto?

Miss MJ who would not be gagging for The Best Walnut related day out EVER ???

BEAST said...

CyberPete said...
It's all the same to me as I'm allergic to walnuts.
Maybe the magic of walnut world would have cured you Pete

I like Paris though. Going on biking holidays is insane why oh why?

Indeed , I won't be rushing to book one again , from now on I stick with windsurfing

KAZ said...

The Dordogne??
You would see fewer English people in Margate.
Have you ever been to a banana museum?

'Petra said...

I sincerely doubt that Beastie.

Why windsurfing? Is that any better than biking? I'd take a vacation in a big city somewhere and do loads of shopping.

BEAST said...

KAZ said...
The Dordogne??
You would see fewer English people in Margate.
Have you ever been to a banana museum?

Dont you start , MJ is obsessed by the damn things

BEAST said...

'Petra said...
I sincerely doubt that Beastie.

Why windsurfing? Is that any better than biking? I'd take a vacation in a big city somewhere and do loads of shopping.

Windsurfing is fab , shopping gets boring after about half an hour

Leah said...

It all sounds so exotic to me, but then I'm an American, what do we know!

I suspect that Walnut World might have been just like the Giant Peach in Georgia...we made it there, and, well, hmm...

BEAST said...

Leah said...
It all sounds so exotic to me, but then I'm an American, what do we know!

I suspect that Walnut World might have been just like the Giant Peach in Georgia...we made it there, and, well, hmm...
Sadly we will never know what wonders could be experienced in Walnut World. Was the giant peach not good then ???

Mr Stinks the Cat said...

I LOVED the Dordogne - me & Keith just nipped about in his Renault stopping at restaurants and cake shops and pulled over every now and again to take a picture.

It is funny about the wallpaper tho' I have never seen such hideous stuff - and they love it!

FirstNations said...

that is SHOCKING. i would have gone to the nearest restaurant and ordered a steak and poured ketchup ALL OVER IT and then worn it like a hat for the rest of the day! i would have asked everyone I met in a beret 'wheres the nearest McDonalds? this food SUCKS.' i would have worn gold AND silver jewelry TOGETHER in public and BATHED FREQUENTLY!
and I would have told everyone that I was canadian!

BEAST said...

Mr Stinks the Cat said...
I LOVED the Dordogne - me & Keith just nipped about in his Renault stopping at restaurants and cake shops and pulled over every now and again to take a picture.

It is funny about the wallpaper tho' I have never seen such hideous stuff - and they love it!
Well Stinky , its a pity you didnt find Walnut World while you were swanning about gutsing pastries and baguettes

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
that is SHOCKING. i would have gone to the nearest restaurant and ordered a steak and poured ketchup ALL OVER IT and then worn it like a hat for the rest of the day! i would have asked everyone I met in a beret 'wheres the nearest McDonalds? this food SUCKS.' i would have worn gold AND silver jewelry TOGETHER in public and BATHED FREQUENTLY!
and I would have told everyone that I was canadian!
You can't claim canadianship , the French and Canadians have a pecurliar simpatico (Celine Dion) so they would sniff you out as an imposter straight away

mutleythedog said...

I would deffo have gone for Walnut Whip world - but just walnuts? I doubt your sanity once more...

UBERMOUTH said...

Bravo!!!! Encore!!!! Le pratt....

UBERMOUTH said...

French Canadians aren't real french people. They're like hybrids neither Canada or France want to claim ownerhip of.

CyberPete said...

Shopping gets boring? NEVER!

Do not blaspheme!

eroswings said...

Ah, nuts! Were there no wineries or cheese factories on the route? And did you see Lance Armstrong along the way?

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
I would deffo have gone for Walnut Whip world - but just walnuts? I doubt your sanity once more...

I don't think there was any mention of Whips Mr M

BEAST said...

UBERMOUTH said...
Bravo!!!! Encore!!!! Le pratt....

French Canadians aren't real french people. They're like hybrids neither Canada or France want to claim ownerhip of.
Celine just wants to be loved :-(

BEAST said...

CyberPete said...
Shopping gets boring? NEVER!

Do not blaspheme!

Shopping is ok if you know what you want and have the money to buy it . Window shopping or shopping with the terminally indecisive almost drives me insane

BEAST said...

eroswings said...
Ah, nuts! Were there no wineries or cheese factories on the route? And did you see Lance Armstrong along the way
Sadly not on the itinery provided by the cycling company Mr E , that would have been much to much like enjoying yourself , when you should have been grimly cycling up every hill you could find , Walnut World was our only hope for salvation

MJ said...

I do not like the decidedly anti-Canadian tone this thread is taking.

BEAST said...

MJ said...
I do not like the decidedly anti-Canadian tone this thread is taking.

Its a disgrace Miss MJ , sit yourself down , relax and have a banana

FirstNations said...

see, and thats another reason to hate the french...they dumped off all their culls on this side of the atlantic. *smacks mj with ketchuppy steak hat*

did you ever find out what actually went on at walnut world? was it like a circus? *imagines comedy walnuts with neck ruffs riding tiny bicycles across a tightrope*

BEAST said...

I never found out Miss First Nations . I was imagining capering french people dressed as walnuts , walnut themed roller coasters (Called Le Nut Cracker) and various other white knuckle nut related rides. Maybe a History of all things Walnut in a boring Epcot styleeee futuristic walnut shaped pavillion.
Restaurants offering delicious walnut related delicacies. Walnut oil fountains ,a walnut castle .
The list is endless , and we shall never know

Donn Coppens said...

I can't imagine anything more dreadful and tedious than a cycling holiday. Holidays are supposed to be relaxing n'est-ce-pas?

With any luck Walmart will procure a hostile takeover of WALLNUT and then it will be open 24/7.

BEAST said...

Donn Coppens said...
I can't imagine anything more dreadful and tedious than a cycling holiday. Holidays are supposed to be relaxing n'est-ce-pas?
The cycling holiday would have been cool if the routes took you anywhere interesting , but they seemed to purposefully avoid that , like you were there to cycle and thats it , no distractions allowed
With any luck Walmart will procure a hostile takeover of WALLNUT and then it will be open 24/7.
We can but hope

MJ said...

Maybe a good cycling trip would rid you of your saddlebags.

BEAST said...

****Bites Miss MJ's Backside****

Yuk tastes like an old hot water bottle

MJ said...

At least mine doesn't wobble.

Pearl said...

Walnut World?
That's nuts.

Trying to picture the rides at Walnut World,
Pearl

BEAST said...

MJ said...
At least mine doesn't wobble.

Says you !

BEAST said...

Pearl said...
Walnut World?
That's nuts.

Trying to picture the rides at Walnut World,
Pearl

No doubt it will be the generic theme park rides , but with walnut shapes and walnut related names
Not sure I would want to venture on the Nut Log flume tho

BEAST said...

Miss MJ shall we open A
Ma Beasties Chickpea Curry themed park
We could have rides called things like
The Morning After
Gastric Distress
Splatter
Pebble Dash
Puckered Sphincter
You could have a Filthy Friday Pavillion staffed by Nekkid Saggy old Men

I think we could be on to a winner

MJ said...

Ma Beasties Chickpea Curry World!

Brilliant!

First things first…

We’ll need a crack team of Port-a-Loo specialists.

MJ said...

Ma Beasties Chickpea Curry World!

Make it happen!

Or at least do a post about it.

inkspot said...

This what you would have seen, Beast:

the brain's two cerebral hemispheres are like "a pair of shrivelled WALNUT halves on top of the brain stem, in contact neither with each other nor the bones of the skull."

[The koala, ladies and gents., via wikipedia. I won't say what I discovered about its genital arrangements.]

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