Saturday, 24 January 2009

CULTURE VULTURE



After a discussion with Mr Gorilla Banana's , it was decided that The Beast needed to expand his intellectual horizons beyond an unnatural interest in donuts ,pull my finger gags and 'artistic' photography .

As Mr B is busy observing and analysing the visitors to the jungle , he has kindly given the Beast a list of cultural experiences , with the vain hope that something may stick .

First up was Tate Modern , The Beast dutifully scampered along with wild expectations of studies of nudes and stuff . I have to say I was a little disappointed , the only nudes I saw all came from somewhere called cubist , gawd knows whats in their drinking water , but all their bits where a funny shape and in the wrong places , avoid at all cost if they are doing a cheap deal in the Thomson summer sun brochure.

I did however bump into a very perplexed Miss Scarlet looking intently at a massive canvas.

"Oh Mr Beastie , I am so glad its you"

"What does this painting look like to you ??" She cried plaintively and nearly knocked me over with the agitated heave of a bosom.

Well I looked at the picture , walked back , walked to the side to make sure I wasn't missing something and then told Miss Scarlet it looked like a big old pile of dis-embodied tits

" Ooooh I knew I was right and this silly program must be wrong ,' A telling statement on the human condition ' my foot" Squealed a delighted Miss S .

Now I must rush , a perfectly dreamy French Art student is meeting me in the Cafe for a Ti sane and is going to show me his etchings. Goodness how continental!!!

with an excited squeal and a wave , she was gone .

The Beast wandered around some more , and is of the opinion that modern art is a bit of a racket , after all a pile of bricks is all said and done a pile of bricks , and a blue square may be an anarchic juxta position of angles against the barbarity of the blank wall to some , but to the Beast it was a blue square.

I shall be spending the evening slapping purple emulsion on my butt and making 'A post apocalyptic statement on feminism' by sitting on a bit of blank a4.

Get your cheque book ready Mr Saatchi the Beast has discovered his muse

27 comments:

Daisy said...

oh yeah first!

Daisy said...

i don't even know what to say it's the first time i have been first on your blog! i'm just tickled :)

BEAST said...

Congratulations Daisy :-)

scarlet-blue said...

My heaving bosom has got me places, I can tell you...
Are you going to post a pic of the painted purple bum. It'll look good with the purple posing pouch... Proper postmodern.
Sx

BEAST said...

I dont want to be over exposed Miss Scarlet , my artistic integrity is at stake , we will wait for the huge cheque first

scarlet-blue said...

Over exposure could prove a bit draughty.
Sx

Gorilla Bananas said...

There's more to art than deformed titties, Beast. I hope you remembered to study the elephant dung painting. It is a powerful metaphor for many things in your life.

inkspot said...

There are good things in the Tate Modern (stress on the second syllable, always), e.g. Twombly's Quattro Stagione. (No, not a pizza this time.) Especially Autunno. Birds exploding into fruit.

BEAST said...

scarlet-blue said...
Over exposure could prove a bit draughty.
Good solid foundation garments are the answer Miss Scarlet

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
There's more to art than deformed titties, Beast. I hope you remembered to study the elephant dung painting. It is a powerful metaphor for many things in your life.
Indeed there is Mr B , its a whole new world , previously the Beast would have viewed the elephant dung as just a pile of old shite but now I undertsand its a metaphore for a congruancy of organic functional heirachies.... how could I ever have been so blind

BEAST said...

inkspot said...
There are good things in the Tate Modern (stress on the second syllable, always), e.g. Twombly's Quattro Stagione. (No, not a pizza this time.) Especially Autunno. Birds exploding into fruit.
This piece in particular MrInky is a wizard wheeze , If I could have passed off a smudgy splattered mess like this for my art O'level explaining the grubby hand print as 'showing my physical presence in my art' I could have done better than my F- grade , the examining board are obviously philistines , ignoring a genius like me in their midst

MJ said...

Remember to remove the banana before you attempt to sit on the blank page.

Unless you are going for a still life fruit bowl effect.

scarlet-blue said...

MJ has a point Mr Beastie, perhaps try using banana puree instead of paint...
OR, better still, create a fusion of purple paint and banana...
and then do a Pollock..
Sx

MJ said...

Miss Scarlet: Doing a Pollock, as you suggested, could be achieved more easily were he to eat a large serving of Ma Beastie's Chickpea Curry a few hours beforehand.

eroswings said...

Your paintings would be much more in demand if you have a drinking problem or sleep with whores...a mental illness always increases art value...

Yes, well, I saw Marcel Duchamp's Nude Descending Staircase, and I was like, um, it doesn't look like a nude woman at all. Actually, it doesn't even look like a woman, much less a human being. I thought, um, was he drunk or had he forgotten what a nekkid lady looked like? It seemed to be just a bunch of trapezoids falling, but I like geometry so I drawn to it.

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Remember to remove the banana before you attempt to sit on the blank page.

Unless you are going for a still life fruit bowl effect.
***wallops MJ with a Banana***

BEAST said...

scarlet-blue said...
MJ has a point Mr Beastie, perhaps try using banana puree instead of paint...
OR, better still, create a fusion of purple paint and banana...
and then do a Pollock..
Miss MJ has an obsession with bananas Miss Scarlet , best not to encourage her

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Miss Scarlet: Doing a Pollock, as you suggested, could be achieved more easily were he to eat a large serving of Ma Beastie's Chickpea Curry a few hours beforehand.
You cant hold it in for a few hours Miss MJ . not unless you want to drop a lung or something

BEAST said...

eroswings said...
Your paintings would be much more in demand if you have a drinking problem or sleep with whores...a mental illness always increases art value...

Yes, well, I saw Marcel Duchamp's Nude Descending Staircase, and I was like, um, it doesn't look like a nude woman at all. Actually, it doesn't even look like a woman, much less a human being. I thought, um, was he drunk or had he forgotten what a nekkid lady looked like? It seemed to be just a bunch of trapezoids falling, but I like geometry so I drawn to it.
Some of the paintings certainly looked as if plenty of alcohol had been consumed Mr E

Daisy said...

i have seen a few of salvador dali museums and exhibits...now that is man who knew drugs...love his stuff though...i can get lost in his art...

BEAST said...

Daisy , I like Dali , thats propper modern art , some of the stuff at the Tate was just inept daubs and splatters being passed off as something deep and meaningful

scarlet-blue said...

Surrealism Mr Beastie... *cough, splutter* I mean splatter...
Sx

BEAST said...

Miss Scarlet , I enjoyed it all anyway , its enormous fun :-)

CyberPete said...

Oh my!

Must go there (not your purple bum)

FirstNations said...

*eagerly awaiting Beasts 'Purple Bottom' collection*

*hoping Beast will have chosen to shower before applying his message to his medium*

*lost in rapt meditation before 'Twin Peaks, Heavily Forested'*

*tucks 'Hirsute Double Planets attended by Moon' under coat and scurries out*

BEAST said...

***waggles purple backside at First Nations and Cyberpete***

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