Saturday, 10 January 2009

THE ARSE END OF NOWHERE

A few years ago when I was a regular guest in the Swiss Hotel in Istanbul , I was upgraded to the executive tower for the week of my birthday (Which was very nice of them) . The rooms were designed for the hordes of japanese businessmen that scurried about and so were a little small but packed full of electronic gadgets . The most facinating was the lavatory. It had everything , it played music , had a heated seat and offered a whole cycle of washing and drying programs to pamper your tender parts. This was all acceseable from an armrest touchpad and detailed in 'International' symbols . Therefore if you wanted a bum wash and blow dry you would hit the international sign of the bottom followed by the windy sign , there was also a front bottom wash and buff , and what possibly was the international symbol for heamariod polishing .
My work chums and I spent a very happy evening , with a bottle of voddy and a few nibbles hitting the buttons and watching the show :-)
On a related topic , the Beast was perusing the lavatory tissue aisle in the local supermarket , when my eyes passed over the 'Moist' toilet tissues .
Now the Beast doesnt generally hold with such pampering , it smacks of ghastly 'continental' practices , and we all know where thats leads! .
Try capitulating in every damn world conflict for a start....however
I did spot one prominent package that was advertising 'New Watermelon Fragrance'
I ask the question , who on gods sweet earth wants their butt to smell of watermelons.
What would be your Butt fragrance of choice and why
If Miss MJ says Bananas she will be foceably ejected

52 comments:

scarlet-blue said...

Not telling. But perhaps chocolate for quite obvious reasons.
Sx

Gorilla Bananas said...

Your butt shouldn't smell of anything, Beast, but I'm glad to see you're taking anal hygiene seriously. And don't tell me you didn't enjoy that vertical water jet in Turkey!

Anonymous said...

your spit, baby.

FirstNations said...

GOOD HEAVENS someone wants their bottom to smell of baby spit? Or do they mean they want their bottom to smell like a spitty baby's bottom? If there are any spitty babies out there reading this I hope one of them will clear this point up for us. I for one am CONFUSED.

Anonymous said...

BEAST SALIVA

FirstNations said...

...oh. thank you.

KAZ said...

What does watermelon smell of?
Water?
Patchouli for me.

eroswings said...

Ah, a wonderful conversation starter the next time I'm offered a watermelon.

I'm with Gorilla Bananas; unscented is the way to be. But if I were made to choose, I'd go with something very soothing, like vanilla or lavender, or something invigorating, like new car or pine forest.

MJ said...

Mistress MJ requires no such thing as a butt fragrance as her nether regions smell like a field of fresh flowers.

Scratch 'n' sniff if you don't believe me.

Pearl said...

Really? Really?! Watermelon...
I'm stumped.
I can't go beyond a little talcum powder -- you know, just to spice it up, cuz that's how we roll -- and the idea of a watermelon-scented ass is going to give me wrinkles..
Pearl

Daisy said...

i'm thinking as long as it doesn't smell like shit, i'm good with it...but wouldn't go for a fragrance perse...

MJ said...

Where's the Beast?

Do you suppose he's picking watermelon seeds out of his bottom?

scarlet-blue said...

No MJ, he's ironing his collection of posing pouches.
Sx

MJ said...

Doesn't his mummy do that for him, Miss Scarlet?

BEAST said...

Good evening everyone , I am indisposed today but will answer my comments tomorrow .
My Mummy lives three hours away Miss MJ so I have to do my own ironing since the eastern European cleaner got herself deported - silly cow

MJ said...

Indisposed?

Oh dear, I hope it isn't the dreaded MANFLU!

CyberPete said...

Why not watermelon?

I think I'd pick roses. I apologize for being so traditional

BEAST said...

scarlet-blue said...
Not telling. But perhaps chocolate for quite obvious reasons.

When in doubt Stick with tradition Miss Scarlet , I see you as a dab of chanel sort of gal

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
Your butt shouldn't smell of anything, Beast, but I'm glad to see you're taking anal hygiene seriously. And don't tell me you didn't enjoy that vertical water jet in Turkey!

I am with you on the unperfumed butt Mr B and everyone should take hygeine seriously . Oh it wasnt just a vertical water jet Mr B , it was more like a mechanised car wash , all a bit worrying , heaven knows what bits could get tangled in the machinery

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
your spit, baby.

How Ghastly

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
GOOD HEAVENS someone wants their bottom to smell of baby spit? Or do they mean they want their bottom to smell like a spitty baby's bottom? If there are any spitty babies out there reading this I hope one of them will clear this point up for us. I for one am CONFUSED.

I too am a might confused Miss FN , am Ibeing propositioned by the flying baby heads ???

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
BEAST SALIVA

Yuk

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
...oh. thank you.

Moving swiftly on Ahem

BEAST said...

KAZ said...
What does watermelon smell of?
Water?
Patchouli for me.

well it sort of smells of sweet melony water Kaz . Ooooh Patchouli , you old hippy
***waves jostick around***

BEAST said...

eroswings said...
Ah, a wonderful conversation starter the next time I'm offered a watermelon.

I'm with Gorilla Bananas; unscented is the way to be. But if I were made to choose, I'd go with something very soothing, like vanilla or lavender, or something invigorating, like new car or pine forest.

Vanilla butt would be a bit sickly Mr E , if scent is required I will vote for the pine forest

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Mistress MJ requires no such thing as a butt fragrance as her nether regions smell like a field of fresh flowers.

Scratch 'n' sniff if you don't believe me.

I tempting offer Miss MJ , however it may start my hayfever off

BEAST said...

Pearl said...
Really? Really?! Watermelon...
I'm stumped.
I can't go beyond a little talcum powder -- you know, just to spice it up, cuz that's how we roll -- and the idea of a watermelon-scented ass is going to give me wrinkles..
Pearl

Ah but what flavour is the talcum powder ???
If you over powder does it puff out a cloud if you break wind , that would be way cool , visible farts

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
i'm thinking as long as it doesn't smell like shit, i'm good with it...but wouldn't go for a fragrance perse...

Most of us seem to be on the same page Miss Daisy , clean but unscented

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Where's the Beast?

Do you suppose he's picking watermelon seeds out of his bottom?

NO

scarlet-blue said...
No MJ, he's ironing his collection of posing pouches.
Sx

HIGHLY UNLIKELY


MJ said...
Doesn't his mummy do that for him, Miss Scarlet?

We covered this one already

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Indisposed?

Oh dear, I hope it isn't the dreaded MANFLU!

As it happens , the dreaded MANFLU that has been circling for three weeks has come back AGAIN


CyberPete said...
Why not watermelon?

I think I'd pick roses. I apologize for being so traditional
Roses are way to girly Pete , but each to their own :-)

MJ said...

The Beast bottom smells of overripe durian fruit.

BEAST said...

MJ's smells of old kippers

CyberPete said...

How about cucumber?

MJ said...

And you are an aFISHionado.

BEAST said...

Cyberp if you get together with your cucumber and Mj's fishy ass , you have that culinary classic , the salmon and cucumber sandwhich

scarlet-blue said...

Cottage Cheese?
Sx

BEAST said...

Cottage Cheese is vile stuff Miss Scarlet that could be another whole post
The Vileness of Cottage Cheese

CyberPete said...

I will never get together with MJ.

Don't ever speak that again.ever.

Julian Meteor said...

Mine smells of GUFFS!!!!! lol

BEAST said...

CyberPete said...
I will never get together with MJ.

Don't ever speak that again.ever.
***gasp***
The love that dare not speak its name

BEAST said...

Julian Meteor said...
Mine smells of GUFFS!!!!! lol
Thank you for sharing Julian :-(

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Baby labradors.

mutleythedog said...

Sardine or possibly steak and kidney pie.. I shall be round as agreed for the rent money on Thursday, would you care for some of those brandy cocktails in a bottle that we 'enjoyed' at New year. the curate has had a shipment....

the ghost of frobisher said...

I have been reliably informed that my botty smells like Roast Beef!

(I wouldn't mind having a little sniff round CyberPete's bum)

BEAST said...

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...
Baby labradors.
A cut above the usual riff raff posting on here Lady Daphne

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
Sardine or possibly steak and kidney pie..
Eeeew
I shall be round as agreed for the rent money on Thursday,
BUT IT MY HOUSE....flipping cheek
would you care for some of those brandy cocktails in a bottle that we 'enjoyed' at New year. the curate has had a shipment....
Oh I see getting me drunk again and then making free with the contents of my larder

BEAST said...

the ghost of frobisher said...
I have been reliably informed that my botty smells like Roast Beef!
I heard it was TCP

(I wouldn't mind having a little sniff round CyberPete's bum)
***Exorcises Frobishers Ghost***

kyknoord said...

I can see it now: Old Trousers - the new fragrance for men by Yardley

CyberPete said...

I have to think of my reputation.

FirstNations said...

Pausing for a moment, I find it difficult to imagine feeling 'fresh' after having submitted to the same mechanical blandishments that god knows how many tiny little japanese buisnessmen have also enjoyed before me. When one factors in the multiple differences in anatomy it becomes not only a problem in sanitation but also biological logistics. For example, after a hearty meal of Ma Beasties chickpea curry, the sound effects produced by the subsequent mechanical 'scrub cycle' on the female anatomy would resemble a chinese auctioneer fighting a mexican with tourettes. You can see where this would be disconcerting.

BEAST said...

MAybe I could offer a Hand Wash service
***gesticulates with wire brush and bucket***

mutleythedog said...

I have some garden hose which might be useful... on a lighter note I am afraid I won your house in a game of vingt et un.. still hey?

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