Wednesday, 24 September 2008

THE EVIL THAT CHICKENS DO

On the last post , mischievous Frobisher decided to rip the scab off of a long festering garden related incident ,
***Dramatic fanfare***

The Curious tale of Mr C's Missing Chickens
Now the Beast has decided to tell the whole sordid tale.


Oh yes the chickens played the cuddly , bundles of feathered fun while their benefactor Mr C was about.











But in his absence a darker purpose became apparent.
Indeed officer as you quite rightly say
CHICKENS
No respecters of the law











It started innocently enough , with the odd game of football , general rowdiness , and foul(Geddddiiiit!!!!!) language .















But soon degenerated into the donning of Shirley Bassey style wigs for an improtue burlesque/karaoke show , followed by the snorting of lines of corn and slug fuelled orgies.












Flouncing about in a state of undress , making louche remarks about their juicy breasts and firm thighs




and spiralling to blatant sexual harassment. An Innocent young Beast was fighting a losing battle against a rising tide of hot poultry pulchritude. It is well known that abusers never stop, so Mr C would inevitably be their next target once they tired of their beastly plaything.










It became apparent that the Beast would need to take drastic measures to safeguard his honour , and save Mr C from a Bargain Bucket of filth ( Its Finger Lickin Good , you can bet your sweet bippy on that ! ), and sought council from his blogging shaman .Miss First Nations , who advised drinking lots of beer , smearing ones naked body with slow baked tomato sauce , inserting a burrito in each nostril and praying to the Holy Infant of Prague.
The Beast set about his devotions with a pure heart , and as luck would have it the saintly child was perusing the items in Beasts shed to see what could be flogged on Ebay. (its an expensive business being righteous and stuff)
"For Fuck Sake , can't a flying pre adolescent Deity get a moments peace ! I bet Sir Elton doesn't have to put up with this shit " yelled the holy one .
"Take the fecking feathered fiends to a car park in the New forest and dump the bastards.....errrm
***composes himself and adopts Sacred mien***
I mean Go Forth my son and release the innocents to the beauty and freedom of natures bounty.

****heavenly host warble in background ****
Now clean yourself up and SOD OFF!!"

With that the Infant gathered up my gardening tools , belched loudly and floated heavenwards on his cloud , absently swatting the throng of flying baby heads that gambolled around him.

The Beast executed his Sacred quest and repatriated the now blessed chickens to the purity and majesty of nature.

That , my incredulous reader is the Truth , the Beast selflessly saved Mr C from a life of bestiality and shame and bravely bore the ranting missing chicken tantrums with humility and a pure spirit

35 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Couldn't you have bitten their heads off (like an authentic old-style geek) and served them to Mr C in a pie?

Why, there they are both, baked in that pie;
Whereof their mother daintily hath fed,
Eating the flesh that she herself hath bred.

BEAST said...

Very biblical Mr B

That would probably have led to much smiting and casting assunder

MJ said...

That chicken stole the Shirley Bassey style wig from Mr. Frobisher, didn't she?

Anonymous said...

WATT ALOAD OF DRIBBLE!!!!

Bollix said...

For fuck sake! Everywhere I go, all I see is pictures of cocks.

BEAST said...

MJ said...
That chicken stole the Shirley Bassey style wig from Mr. Frobisher, didn't she?
Apart from IVD and Cyberpoof , who else do we know that would own one

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
WATT ALOAD OF DRIBBLE!!!!

Ingrate , next time I shall abandon you to the unnatural lusts of the chickens

BEAST said...

Bollix said...
For fuck sake! Everywhere I go, all I see is pictures of cocks.

Well you started it !

scarlet-blue said...

They'll be mistaken for pheasants, you mark my words, it'll all end with a squishy mess in the road.

I do like the Shirley Bassey one . . .

Sx

BEAST said...

scarlet-blue said...
They'll be mistaken for pheasants, you mark my words, it'll all end with a squishy mess in the road.

I do like the Shirley Bassey one
Miss Scarlet , one persons squishy mess , is another persons dinner :-)

Daisy said...

chickens eh? the thing i remember most about chickens from my childhood is how my father used to cut their heads off and laugh as they chased us around the yard...then it was entertainment...now i'm sure it would be abuse of some kind or another...

BEAST said...

Sounds pretty entertaining to me Daisy . How those long winter evenings must fly by :-))

Tickersoid said...

When it comes to chickens, I side with the Colonel Sanders school of thought.

BEAST said...

the colonel looks a real old perv to me Mr Ticks

Donn Coppens said...

I don't like their legs and feet..
I mean when you have a good, hard, look you realise that these things are modified Dinosaurs..

look at those cold, black, lifeless, reptilian, eyes..
and you can easily tell that there is nothing going on inside that little head..
nothing...

well maybe a little evil Raptorian hatred/hunger response, waiting to pounce and eviscerate you with the big spike on their ugly, saurian, leg..
Raptors, they're all bloody Raptors.

INNER VOICES said...

is this a prelude to the unveiling of yer new web site "farmteens.com"?

scarlet-blue said...

Blog has changed. It's gone all big. This keeps happening to me . . .
Sx

FirstNations said...

*lining out chopped burritos on a mirror with a large kitchen knife*
um yeah. thats exaxly hap whattened *snurk* totally. fezzen someone whaposed to get me, a, whaddyou call the like a, you know, zoze tubes? A straw? IS THIS UKRANIA? because yeah.
*snurrrk*

GOD GOD GOD GOD THERES A BABY IN THE BUGZAPPER GOD GOD OMIGODMOMIGOD

*passes out*

FirstNations said...

ps MUY HOTCHA MR. C IS TO LICKING ME HIS FREINDLY!!
*SMOOOOOOCH*

FirstNations said...

*passes out again*

BEAST said...

Donn . In some breeds you can def see the dinosaur peering out , horrible scaly legs and beady eyes sizing you up :-).

Voices . Adds a whole new meaning to 'basting the turkey'.

Scarlet . I decided to change my layout . A change is as good as a rest or so the 1970's Durex adverts would have us believe
****waves a 'French Tickler at MJ'


FN. You just rest up a while I will have Mr C scrubbed and sent to your room
***grabs bucket of strong bleach solution and a wire brush ***

The Old Tarf said...

That truly was real "Poultry in Motion."

Mr Gaskins Curiosity Emporium said...

ah *sigh* makes me sad, one of my chickens just snuffed it... not amusing as the last one that pegged it... 'my cock just died' (don't you hate it when that happens?)

eroswings said...

Luv the new blog look! How brave and courageous of you to choke those chickens!

BEAST said...

Tarf : That truly was the worst chicken joke EVER :-)

Mr Gaskins : Awww did she finally shuffle of this mortal coil . She didn't look like she was going to last :-(

Bingowings : Nooooooo , I didn't kill em . I released them into the beautiful New Forest National park . I then had to mount a retrieval opperation for one of them a few days later......but thats another story :-)

Ms Smack said...

That was HILARIOUS!

BEAST said...

Miss Smack , they is evil things them chickens

KAZ said...

That Shirley Bassey one needs a good spatchcocking.

BEAST said...

Kaz....your not wrong there !

CyberPete said...

I've seen that Shirley wig before.

Was that really Miss Bassey *blush*

BEAST said...

cyberpoof , grab it quick before Mr Frobisher of IVD claim it as their own

MJ said...

Are you fiddling with your blog?

The layout is different.

BEAST said...

I am always fiddling with something Miss MJ.....idle hands do the devils work

CyberPete said...

*grabs Bassey wig and makes a run for it*

*spills a bit of Champagne on the floor on the way out*

Ooooopsie! Sorry.

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