HO HUM

The Beast is languishing at his desk at some ungodly hour of the morning , having been rudely dragged from beneath my (fragrant) duvet to sort out some ghastly tangle of tape drives , servers and nerds.
***Twiddles Thumbs***
Recently I have finally 'got with it' , cast asside my sensible cardigan and bought an Ipod . I find it easy to use( without having to phone various teenage neices and nephews for assistance) and has a screen thats big enough that you dont need to wear granny reading glasses on a chain , and simple , large controls that easily accomadate big sausage fingers .So I am now really cool in the gym with my ipod and my sports armband :-)
In other bits of exciting news
1. Mr C has blocked me on MSN ....apparently becuase I said Hello!!! I wasn't expecting an answer particularly , but you know , it is kind of the object of being signed in to an online messenger , added to the fact that he doesnt answer texts or email these days presumably he is hoping telepathy is about to make a huge leap forward.
***places tinfoil hat on head and concentrates****
HOWS IT GOING??? , WHEN IS MY NEXT SHIFT AT CAFE C ?????
***Fiddles with bent coathanger antena***
***waits patiently for reply***


2.Frobisher has FINALLY posted , so get over there and comment .

3.Now its time for BREAKFAST....yippeeeee

THE EVIL THAT CHICKENS DO

On the last post , mischievous Frobisher decided to rip the scab off of a long festering garden related incident ,
***Dramatic fanfare***

The Curious tale of Mr C's Missing Chickens
Now the Beast has decided to tell the whole sordid tale.


Oh yes the chickens played the cuddly , bundles of feathered fun while their benefactor Mr C was about.











But in his absence a darker purpose became apparent.
Indeed officer as you quite rightly say
CHICKENS
No respecters of the law











It started innocently enough , with the odd game of football , general rowdiness , and foul(Geddddiiiit!!!!!) language .















But soon degenerated into the donning of Shirley Bassey style wigs for an improtue burlesque/karaoke show , followed by the snorting of lines of corn and slug fuelled orgies.












Flouncing about in a state of undress , making louche remarks about their juicy breasts and firm thighs




and spiralling to blatant sexual harassment. An Innocent young Beast was fighting a losing battle against a rising tide of hot poultry pulchritude. It is well known that abusers never stop, so Mr C would inevitably be their next target once they tired of their beastly plaything.










It became apparent that the Beast would need to take drastic measures to safeguard his honour , and save Mr C from a Bargain Bucket of filth ( Its Finger Lickin Good , you can bet your sweet bippy on that ! ), and sought council from his blogging shaman .Miss First Nations , who advised drinking lots of beer , smearing ones naked body with slow baked tomato sauce , inserting a burrito in each nostril and praying to the Holy Infant of Prague.
The Beast set about his devotions with a pure heart , and as luck would have it the saintly child was perusing the items in Beasts shed to see what could be flogged on Ebay. (its an expensive business being righteous and stuff)
"For Fuck Sake , can't a flying pre adolescent Deity get a moments peace ! I bet Sir Elton doesn't have to put up with this shit " yelled the holy one .
"Take the fecking feathered fiends to a car park in the New forest and dump the bastards.....errrm
***composes himself and adopts Sacred mien***
I mean Go Forth my son and release the innocents to the beauty and freedom of natures bounty.
****heavenly host warble in background ****
Now clean yourself up and SOD OFF!!"
With that the Infant gathered up my gardening tools , belched loudly and floated heavenwards on his cloud , absently swatting the throng of flying baby heads that gambolled around him.

The Beast executed his Sacred quest and repatriated the now blessed chickens to the purity and majesty of nature.

That , my incredulous reader is the Truth , the Beast selflessly saved Mr C from a life of bestiality and shame and bravely bore the ranting missing chicken tantrums with humility and a pure spirit

BACK TO WORK FOR A REST

Back to work tomorrow . Spent most of the holiday working at Cafe C and the last two days straightening up the house and garden .Its been hard work and different so I now feel well relaxed.
It all looks great and I am looking forward to snoozing at my desk , under the guise of sorting out my emails for the next few days.
Have fun y'all

FRESH AS A DAISY

A tired and emotional Frobisher finally returns from his extended 'vacation' on the Costa del Chav.
We think its a disgrace that it takes such a long time for the authorities to action a deportation order - human rights my arse!





However it didn't take long for Mr C and Alfie to relieve Frobisher of his duty free's and medicinal purchases .

DISH OF THE DAY - GREASY MULLET

Fine , fly away , frizzy hair???????.

The Beast has the answer to all your follicle related problems .

Like don't wash it EVER !

IDLE HANDS !

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The Beast regularly scours the interwebs to bring you the latest scientific innovations .

Following in the sticky footsteps of the girls best friend 'The Vacuum Screamer' , we now have one for the boys .

For those of you that are forever busy with your hand held devices, you need no longer break from the important business of pestering your friends with inane texts or scouring the Internet for porn to answer a call of nature .

Ladies and Specifically gentlemen I give you The Hands Free Urinal.

Fully adjustable arm for height and ahem...... size .I particularly like the way it is raising its pinky as if having tea with the vicar , I wonder if it automatically shakes for drips ?

BOILED PANTS

I was pottering about this morning stuffing washing in the machine and huffing and puffing about how much effort it was 'to do the washing' . Unbidden , came the fantastic smell that used to infuse Beast Towers when we were small kids as Ma Beasty used to fire up this monster gas fired washing boiler and manually stir the washing , then rinse it in the sink followed by a good mangling .The whole performance used to take hours .Lighting the boiler with a taper of newspaper , the hiss of the gas , then the load bang when it ignited used to frighten the bejasus out of us kids , but you never forget that clean , boiling washing smell , it was wonderful.



Eventually a better off relative passed on their knackered old twin tub.
Man what luxury , the damn thing used to tie the washing up in a steaming great knot , and it had a laughable 'Automatic rinse and spin function' which involved much malarkey with hoses , but you still got the whole house infused by the marvellous fragrance and for a while Ma Beasty must have had a Paris Hilton vibe going on , having been freed from the tyranny of the dreaded mangle .


Then came the first automatic washing machine we got , the whole family sat and watched its first cycle , like we were watching a Saturday night TV show , we even had snacks and much spirited conversation and joshing as Ma Beasties Knickers levitated on the spin cycle . Marvellous fun , but you just don't get that 'clean' washing smell .
I still miss it maybe I should boil my undies in some washing powder solution on the stove , just for old times sake

WOT I DID ON MY HOLIDAY BY BEAST

A GREAT FECKING PILE OF WASHING UP

A reader asks

Dear Beast ,How much washing up can a 40 seater Cafe/Bistro generate?

The answer dear reader is more washing up than you can shake a stick at

So stop asking stupid questions

Dipshit !

BEASTS REAL COUNTRY KITCHEN

This week , Beast has been Kitchen Bitch for the Gaskins making 'Gaskins secret recipe pear and plum chutney' .As it turns out Mr Gaskin was thrown out of the kitchen before we even started and Mrs Gaskin is almost worse than Mr C in the Prima Donna Chef stakes . the Beast peeled , cored , and chopped mounds of onions , garlic , pears , apples and plums . Weighed sultanas , and ground spices , while Mrs G imperiously critiqued my chopping , chatted to familly and friends on the phone , quaffed tea and repelled borders everytime Mr G attempted an incursion . But finally after hours of boiling and stirring delicious chutney was born.




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If your boil washing your undies and the water looks like this its maybe time for a bath


































The Beast predicts, as with all culinary despots , Mrs G will dispute this version of events , laughably claiming the lions share of the credit for herself .No doubt Frobisher will be carping that his opening a few packets in his inner city 'kitchenette' constitutes the real deal and obvoiusly Mr C will be making scurrilous remarks about my kitchen prowess.
However gentle reader we all know the truth :-)

BEACH BABY

Hurrah The Beast finally has two weeks off from work .
If the weather cheers up (not likely) the Beast will be down the beach

I say madam can I borrow your water wings







First stop on the holiday agenda is Ma Beasties Surprise 70th Birthday do
I dare say there will be a bit of kitchen bitchery at cafe C
Mucking out my house
Laundering my stinky duvet

Will I have time to practice being a homosexual as suggested by Gods representive on earth ...Charles (Do you think half an hour of aerobic mincing will suffice ??? or is this going to be a mamouth undertaking like the dreaded childhood Piano Practice - I will moan about this another time)

Anyway(talking of homosexuals , Piggies fave word) , I must away to the Birthday shenanigans.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

CREEPY CLOWNS

OK so I am scared of clowns.
No shame in admitting that
I am scared of clowns and wasps (that's about it).
My little brother Beast Minor used to wait till the lights were turned out when we were kids and then tell me if there was a nuclear holocaust only me and swarms of giant mutated wasps with clown faces would survive....horrible little bastid.
Anyway I digress This advert particularly freaked me out
What stupid advertising exec EVER thought this was a good idea.
Not only is the clown particularly creepy , its also a pervy peeping tom clown

***Beast honks on horn and pedals off on unicycle***

DEAD BORED

The Beast is bored half to death.

So bored I can't think what to write

***twiddles bored thumbs***