Fellow Taureans , are you all having a shit week ????It started at the end of last week with too much work , then was swiftly preceded by arguements , misunderstandings and tantrums .
Which was just the warm up for a bizzare virus infection .
Burning fever and chills followed by two days of every muscle in my body aching (even my eyelids).
By midweek the health was improving , but the cosmos had not finished with me yet......
I gained 1 miserly pound at fat club weigh in(which was a shock) , and got a ratty lecture from the over tanned , scraggy rotweiler that runs the club .......having stomped off home still smarting from the terrible harangue , I then proceeded to take a 7 pound leak.......I was in there for HOURS....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Water retention is bad enough becuase its just so damn girly , but a mistimed monster urination is just well ,,,,taking the piss.
Was it all over yet Oooooh no , suddenly the financial situation went down the drain(a shocking unexpected bill)............ and then double or quits got twice as bad(as in "ooops when i said £200 , I actually meant £400").
Now a taurus on the most meager of budgets will have an emergency fund( even if its only a hard saved £1) , they will also have a holiday treats fund and a bit extra put by somewhere else just to make sure........all temporarily wiped out...........
A taurean without contingencies is not a happy bunny.
So there we have it , the Beast is in a rare old Taurean fug , and about to have a spectacular bullish tantrum/eruption , so I will be spending as much of the weekend on my own as possible , so's not to lose any hapless friends or loved ones to collateral damage or pyroplastic flow.
Not that I shall be festering , oh no no no.... come monday morning I am going to have the cleanest house in the western hemisphere , my garden will be clipped , brushed and primped and I am going to have THE most toned and excersised butt in Bournemouth .
House keeping/excersise as anger management . Yessireee
Its cheap
You get a result
It works
Have a nice weekend..........
29 comments:
Beer helps.. at least temoprarily.
A big bladder is very bullish but arse exercises are for women. Try sit-ups instead.
If you run out of anger-management domestic tasks, let me know. My garden looks shite and we're only up the road in Wiltshire.
Hammer said...
Beer helps.. at least temoprarily.
Mr H , beer makes the Beast more Beastly , so probably not a good idea inthe circs :-)
Gorilla Bananas said...
A big bladder is very bullish but arse exercises are for women. Try sit-ups instead.
Mr B , I sometimes forget how literal gorilla's can be , I was using the term 'butt' to represent the Beast as a whole .There will be sit ups , fly's , curls and presses a plenty . no part of the Beasts anatomy will be left un excersised , thats for sure
livesbythewoods said...
If you run out of anger-management domestic tasks, let me know. My garden looks shite and we're only up the road in Wiltshire.
Sir ,Cast out your inner slob , Pick up thy secatuers , go forth and garden.
I'm a chick, but point taken.
Will do it just as soon as I can be arsed.
LBTW
I realised this after I flipped over post comenting to read your blog.Mr Mutley makes these sort of mistakes all the time , but only realises when he wakes up , stone cold sober the next morning :)
Hitch is losing weight
by the miracle of avoinding beer too much food and exercising.
Maybe i should be the beasts personal trainer?
whats up lad?
If you aint loosing weight , but are being careful and working out , you may have an illness.
Have tou asked thr Dr?
Maybe you could make some extra money by putting some of your porno vids on ebay? The 'unusual' ones with the Marmosets are quite valuable you know...
The Hitch said...
Hitch is losing weight
by the miracle of avoinding beer too much food and exercising.
Maybe i should be the beasts personal trainer?
whats up lad?
If you aint loosing weight , but are being careful and working out , you may have an illness.
Have tou asked thr Dr?
Mr H , i did loose weight , unfortunatley it was masked by the temporary water retention , within half an hour of the weigh in I did the biggest horse piss ever and my weight dropped by a good few pounds :-)
mutleythedog said...
Maybe you could make some extra money by putting some of your porno vids on ebay? The 'unusual' ones with the Marmosets are quite valuable you know...
unfortunatley Mr M , the marmosets agent has me contractually tied up to such a degree that releasing the videos would mean further financial ruin
Oh dear ! Poor old you!
The cosmos isn't loving me either at the moment - may be it's just the cosmos that's in a strop!
Heh heh, betcha didn't get much housework done today!
meanwhile i have been losing weight on a diet of lager and spaghetti alla marinara. true fact!
I am a goddess, make no mistake.
carniverous birds have made away with one of my robins! have i recourse or is this simply an example of natures cruelty? a sharp-shinned falconid has made a meal of an innocent red-breasted thrush before my astonished gaze! my heart grows faint at this display of savagery and i turn away in despair. o heartless beast, hast thou no pity or tender heart within thy feather'd bosom?
fuck, i need more beer.
taureans RAWK.
Lippy said...
Oh dear ! Poor old you!
The cosmos isn't loving me either at the moment - may be it's just the cosmos that's in a strop!
awww Lippy , never mind what goes around comes around , as me old Granny used to say......I am not sure exactly what that means , but the daft old bat waws full of them , and it sounds like it should be comforting
princessfiona said...
Heh heh, betcha didn't get much housework done today!
The Beast is made of sterner stuff than that your Majesty , I was up with the lark , did a mega gym session , and then went and cleaned seven bells of shite out of the house, everything is gleaming and the Beast is knackered.Good party tho :-)
First Nations said...
meanwhile i have been losing weight on a diet of lager and spaghetti alla marinara. true fact!
I am a goddess, make no mistake.
carniverous birds have made away with one of my robins! have i recourse or is this simply an example of natures cruelty? a sharp-shinned falconid has made a meal of an innocent red-breasted thrush before my astonished gaze! my heart grows faint at this display of savagery and i turn away in despair. o heartless beast, hast thou no pity or tender heart within thy feather'd bosom?
Robins were unmasked a few years ago as savage little mass murderers in there own right , therefor it probably deserved it , and nature is red in tooth and claw etc etc
fuck, i need more beer.
Hurrah , have one for me as well
taureans RAWK.
This is indeed the truth , a rancid pox on all the other astrological signs
poor beast. if it helps, i'm just getting over a fever blister on the underside of my tongue that caused me to lisp and sound like cindy brady.
Pink Drama said...
poor beast. if it helps, i'm just getting over a fever blister on the underside of my tongue that caused me to lisp and sound like cindy brady.
No fun is it Pinky , mind you the Beast is in fine fettle now :-) , hope you are well too
jungle jane said...
my god, beastie. you are SUCH a whiney little bitch.
Just the way you like it mistress , shall i lick your boots clean again
by the sounds of it you are premenstrual which would account for the weight gain.
Men have drives , juices and cycles to JJ , you girls are just too pre occupied and insensitive to notice
just eat a pack of chockie biscuits and have a nice face pack, yeah?
The Beast's body is a temple , I shall have a nice steak and sniff a bit of testosterone
I hope, after your past week, this week has started better, although by the weather today it maybe a little damp!
No doubt yor home is as clean as buckingham palace (do you still use the same company of scrubbers?)
Sorry for not commenting before but we had a nice long weekend away again, taking in the sights of our capital city!
while vaccuuming is a pain in the ass, it has never done a thing to alter the appearance of mine in any way. am I using the wrong attachment?
I am with Hammer - right at the start of this - Beer is the answer to all your problems...
First Nations said...
while vaccuuming is a pain in the ass, it has never done a thing to alter the appearance of mine in any way. am I using the wrong attachment?
Miss FN the Beast approaches vacuuming in one of two ways depending on mood
1.The Beast Float.
For days when you just cant be arsed , switch the vacuum on , and just sort of wander about with it in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other , thinking about fluffy kittens and Pamela Andersens hooters and stuff.
2.Angry Beast.
Strip down to combats and a Bruce Willis Styleeee vest (bandana and camo paint optional). Attack the house like them damn commies/muslim fundementalists is hiding behind the couch , and the hoover is goin to sort them feckers out.......... its a great work out , but you do have to go thru the hoover dust pot to pick out things like the tv remote/cat hoovered up in the melee
mutleythedog said...
I am with Hammer - right at the start of this - Beer is the answer to all your problems...
Mr M , I dont really need beer , the Beast is deranged enough without the need for additional stimulants , I save that pleasure for a bit of Binge drinking on a Beast night out
I have a feather duster you could have...
mutleythedog said...
I have a feather duster you could have...
Heaven knows what dreadful use that has been put to Mr M
Beast, honey. A pound of muscle weighs the same as a pound of fat. Muscle takes up less room on the body, you see. How do you know what you were weighing?
Measure yourself by your size of clothes. Not weight.
Eg. See a 120 kg man on the sofa eating chips. Look at the 120 kg man on the footy field. They both weigh the same. Get it?
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