Wednesday, 15 August 2007

WELL , BUGGER ME !

The title by the way is an exclamation of surprise , rather than an invitation.

I was rudely awoken a 5am by what sounded like Concorde trying to land in my kitchen . I stumbled downstairs to find my fridge freezer is a .Making the aformentioned shocking noise and has b) defrosted itself incontinently all over the utility room floor. I cant believe how much mess melting ice cream , frozen soups and summer fruits can make , it looked like someone had had a very unpleasant gastric incident .
So half an hour of very grumpy clean up and dumping the freezers contents in the bin , I eventually settled down with a nice cup of tea for a bit of hot internet action before I got ready for work.
I signed on to my hotmail account to find a mail from Ebay cheerfuly informing me I had been unsuccesful in my attempted bid for......wait for it

SMUTT PEDDLERS - PORN AGAIN 1987.

Well as I said, Bugger me , I havnt signed on to ebay for weeks so I find this a little surprising!!
I think I am also now a little upset that I didnt win the auction.
Life can be so cruel !

42 comments:

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

oh dear, sounds like your day got off to a really poor start - I'm a little worried as these things usually happen in threes, so to protect you, I will send you some donkey porn and charge you 25 pence so that you don't get hit by a third, more unlucky and less compassionate disaster...

honkeie2 said...

I tried to win a used condem found in Paris Hilton's hotel room. I almost won, I lost by a nose.

BEAST said...

Mermaid of Moorgate said...
oh dear, sounds like your day got off to a really poor start - I'm a little worried as these things usually happen in threes, so to protect you, I will send you some donkey porn and charge you 25 pence so that you don't get hit by a third, more unlucky and less

MoM , how kind , Donkey porn for 25 pence is a bargain indeed , I will be able to sell it on to Mr Mutley for a handsome profit

BEAST said...

honkeie2 said...
I tried to win a used condem found in Paris Hilton's hotel room. I almost won, I lost by a nose.

Honkeie2 , welcome , The wonders of ebay , now what would you have done with Paris's cast off rubber , should you have won it...... I see a nice necklace ???

Hammer said...

Porn Again 1987 was quite good, I found it in my parents video tape collection while house sitting for them.

mutleythedog said...

I am afraid it was me who used your account Mr The Beast. I just guessed your password - and I am afraid I was right first time. Still least said - soonest mended!

Jenny! said...

I actually won that auction...it was going to be a present for you, but now that the you know...I might just keep it for myself!

Mental Mac said...

Some of those contents should not have been in your freezer. I think you will have to attend group concience at Fatties Inc and beg forgiveness.

Re the donkey brochure. Too scared to even do a search!

Newforestandy said...

Sir Beast, I take it the photo was taken before you had the shower and put your make up on?

Sorry to hear about the frdge freezer, are you sure Mr C hadn't popped over and attempted to make you a surprise breakfast?

Also a shame that your bid was unsuccessful on ebay, perhaps Mr F or Mutley could supply you with the required porn?

We have donkeys galore here in the forest, would u like to borrow one for a week or two?

jungle jane said...

Beastie has a 'utility room'??

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*gulps*

BWWWWWWWWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Frobisher said...

Yes! he also has a "pantry" Mhahahahahaha!

Sorry about the ebay thing - my new card opens some strange doors!

BEAST said...

Hammer said...
Porn Again 1987 was quite good, I found it in my parents video tape collection while house sitting for them.

Yuk , parental porn , thats awful

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
I am afraid it was me who used your account Mr The Beast. I just guessed your password - and I am afraid I was right first time. Still least said - soonest mended!

Fair does Mr M , I have been stealing your undies from your washing line for the past two years and selling them on Ebay , so I guess I will forgive you

BEAST said...

Jenny! said...
I actually won that auction...it was going to be a present for you, but now that the you know...I might just keep it for myself!

I thats right , deprive the Beast of som little shred of enjoyment in life, I will just have to make do with watching pidgeons shagging on my windowledge

BEAST said...

Mental Mac said...
Some of those contents should not have been in your freezer. I think you will have to attend group concience at Fatties Inc and beg forgiveness.

Re the donkey brochure. Too scared to even do a search!

MM the offending items have been festering in the freezer for years , I didnt lick the floor clean or anything desperate like that....... I wonder if the donkeys wear enticing underwear ??

BEAST said...

Newforestandy said...
Sir Beast, I take it the photo was taken before you had the shower and put your make up on?
I told you I would show you my monkey

Sorry to hear about the frdge freezer, are you sure Mr C hadn't popped over and attempted to make you a surprise breakfast?
It did cross my mind , but there were no incriminating hand and foot prints

Also a shame that your bid was unsuccessful on ebay, perhaps Mr F or Mutley could supply you with the required porn?

I think Messr Frobisher n Mutley is in to tomatoe porn at the moment , one tries not to enquire too deeply

We have donkeys galore here in the forest, would u like to borrow one for a week or two?

Do they take in laundry ??

BEAST said...

jungle jane said...
Beastie has a 'utility room'??

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*gulps*

BWWWWWWWWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hangs head in shame , it means I can sit nekkid astride the washing machine on fast spin with some modicum of privacy

BEAST said...

Frobisher said...
Yes! he also has a "pantry" Mhahahahahaha!

Sorry about the ebay thing - my new card opens some strange doors!


So says the man with a heated hostess trolley , and a crinolin lady on his bog rolls

First Nations said...

should have stuck with the crawlspace. like i told John Gacy, man, I said 'John, you just can't beat a well stocked crawlspace when it comes to storing surplus' and John, he said 'you know, you're right about that. no school like the old school. from now on in that's where all my meat goes' and he did. the fact that he died in prison for having a well=stocked crawlspace notwithstanding; its the principle of the thing you see.

Tickersoid said...

I'm so tight, I would have eaten the multicoloured gloop on the floor.

BEAST said...

First Nations said...
should have stuck with the crawlspace. like i told John Gacy, man, I said 'John, you just can't beat a well stocked crawlspace when it comes to storing surplus' and John, he said 'you know, you're right about that. no school like the old school. from now on in that's where all my meat goes' and he did. the fact that he died in prison for having a well=stocked crawlspace notwithstanding; its the principle of the thing you see.

Have I got a crawl space ????
Will it attract another avalanche of ridicule from Jungly Jane if I admit to having a crawl space ???
Re Mr Gacy , them there serial killers always take things too far , jeez , its just attention seeking if you ask me

BEAST said...

Tickersoid said...
I'm so tight, I would have eaten the multicoloured gloop on the floor.

Mr Ticks , no sooner said than voila , three buckets of gloop in the post , should be with you in a couple of days.....enjoy :-)

jungle jane said...

Pantry? You have a pantry? Are you sure thats not just a fancy name for a lardarse....errrrrr i mean larder....

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i am DYING here...you're killing me Beastie!

*crawls into the corner weeing her pants laffing*

BEAST said...

jungle jane said...
Pantry? You have a pantry? Are you sure thats not just a fancy name for a lardarse....errrrrr i mean larder....

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i am DYING here...you're killing me Beastie!

*crawls into the corner weeing her pants laffing*


I dont have a poncey pantry , Frobisher made that up ,i have a Tins cupboard , and a box and jar cupboard, like any normal person

Mental Mac said...

Perhaps there is a misunderstanding, Beasty has a tree of pants at his property.

jungle jane said...

AHAHAHAHAHAH that's it!! Beastie has panties in his lardarse. Or something.

*cries with laughter*

BEAST said...

Mental Mac said...
Perhaps there is a misunderstanding, Beasty has a tree of pants at his property.

MM that could be true , i thought it was passing young people flinging their pants over my fence in a vain attempt at attracting my attentions...
My beauty is a curse
****big sigh***

BEAST said...

jungle jane said...
AHAHAHAHAHAH that's it!! Beastie has panties in his lardarse. Or something.

*cries with laughter*


Have you been at the orange smarties again JJ , I think someone needs to go and sit in the quiet corner for a while and calm down before the commute home , there will be tears before bedtime otherwise

jungle jane said...

Oh hi beastie. I just dropped by to see if i could borrow your wire brush?? I need it to...errrr...scrub a pot....

surely you won't say no to the birthday girl, eh?

Jenny! said...

Just make sure you don't try and touch the pigeons while their screwing...your could catch some kind of nasty disease!

Anonymous said...

from fidges to too old school hip hop on the most dulliest blog i have ever had the pleasure of reading.... you can have my spare fridge if you want fat boy...

Newforestandy said...

All this talk of pants.....its far better to go commando, am sure you do that under the pier, Mr Beast?

First Nations said...

if he has a tree full of pants why is he doing commandoes under the pier? obviously the whole street out front is full of the pantsless waiting for his embraces.
that's what defrosted the fridge. all those pierless pants commandos running around.
*snorts another fat line off frobi's left pec* damn...this escobarCARD works GREAT!!!

BEAST said...

jungle jane said...
Oh hi beastie. I just dropped by to see if i could borrow your wire brush?? I need it to...errrr...scrub a pot....

Scrub away sweet Jane , it should remove any stubborn ,encrusted grime from your errr 'pot' , I am busy trying to invent a colonic irrigation attachement for my vax carpet shampooer

BEAST said...

Jenny! said...
Just make sure you don't try and touch the pigeons while their screwing...your could catch some kind of nasty disease!

Jenny! , it is a spectator sport only , as I dont want to risk plunging to my death from the guttering :-)

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
from fidges to too old school hip hop on the most dulliest blog i have ever had the pleasure of reading.... you can have my spare fridge if you want fat boy...

Dull is as dull does MR C... I am not entirley sure what that means , but it seems appropriate

BEAST said...

Newforestandy said...
All this talk of pants.....its far better to go commando, am sure you do that under the pier, Mr Beast?

Mr NFA , the Beast is always commando .Man was made to dangle !

BEAST said...

First Nations said...
if he has a tree full of pants why is he doing commandoes under the pier? obviously the whole street out front is full of the pantsless waiting for his embraces.
that's what defrosted the fridge. all those pierless pants commandos running around.
*snorts another fat line off frobi's left pec* damn...this escobarCARD works GREAT!!!


Miss FN , exactly , to my mind pants cause all the problems in this world , do you think we would need a nuclear proliferation treaty if people were more worried about catching their tool on the furniture....I think not. Whats an escobar card ???

jungle jane said...

Yooohooo! Beastie!! My mouth is bored. Got a nice ham sandwich for me??

mutleythedog said...

Beast does not even have any cupboards as he burnt them to keep warm last winter ... but he does have a bidet !!


Hahahahaha !

BEAST said...

jungle jane said...
Yooohooo! Beastie!! My mouth is bored. Got a nice ham sandwich for me??

Jungle Jane , you minx , coming in here with your saucy euphemisms , its shocking for a poor innocent young Beast , just trying to make his way in the world , and keep his hand on his ha'penny

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
Beast does not even have any cupboards as he burnt them to keep warm last winter ... but he does have a bidet !!


Hahahahaha !


Mr Mutley , how dare you , there is none of that continental waywardness chez Beasty . If Ya Arse needs a wash , use a bucket of icy water , carbolic soap and a hog bristle brush , like any god fearing protestant should . If you can manage a rousing chorus of Rule Britania while your scrubbing away , all the better

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