Saturday, 11 August 2007

WAR AND PEACE


My next door neighbour is a cantankerous , selfish old bastard.
He looks like an ancient tortoise , and is one of those people who does anything and everything to be annoying , one suspects just to get a reaction . So in general I am perfectly polite to him and refuse to rise to the bait , which I hope winds him up even more.

Recently he had obviously decided the fence between our two properties needed to be replaced. One night a few months ago we had a bit of a storm , with high winds and rain, I got called out for work about 5 am , and as I was pottering about upstairs getting dressed , I saw him and his half senile wife suruptiously pulling down and breaking up one of the fence panels.(it was completely undamaged up till this point)
When I got back from work later that day , he was lurking in his front garden waiting to collar me , to deliver the good news that the storm had smashed one of the fence panels down and therefore I had to replace the whole fence.
Silly old fart had forgotten to check the deeds on the house...before him and the retard broke it down.....the fence is his.
He was less than pleased when I pointed this out.
To cut a long story short , and much argy bargy , he removed the whole fucking fence.
The whole fucking fence has been missing for two months , with the rider that he will replace it 'when he feels like it'

This causes me a major headache when the dogs are here , as Lloyd invariably runs off.Its a busy traffic area so its a big fecking worry.Plus I have totally lost my privacy during the summer months.GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.


Enter our hero , Natural Born Dimplomat MR C.
Mr C blundered into my house while I was at work , and was making himself some lunch ,merrily splattering baked beans and fried eggs all over the kitchen*(see footnote) .He had just let Alfie and Lloyd out into the garden to evacuate their bowels on my ornamental stones**.When predicatably Lloyd ran off.
Mr C broke off his lunch preparations/Kitchen redec and stomped out into the garden to find lloyd.
Mr C to next door old git (who was lurking his side of the non existant fence) Have you seen my dog?

Now given that little lloydy must have just capered past the old bastard in his bid for freedom , he smirked What does it look like?

Mr C (warming up for a bit of diplomacy) Its got four fucking legs

Old Git (gesturing vaguely to the left and suppressing a nasty snigger) It went that way , Its playing on that building site

Mr C (Chanels the spirit of Dr Kissinger) YOU FUCKING MISERABLE OLD CUNT , PUT THE FUCKING FENCE BACK







Result , Mexican stand off , and I am likely to be without a fence for the next two months.
Mr C is free should Dr Condelisa Rice need any help sorting out the mad moolers and assorted camel fuckers in the Middle East!

* Baked Beans and Eggs , from Country Cooking With Mr C , available in wipe clean hardback at any reputable cleaning product store.
1.Open can of beans, pour into saucepan.
2.Crack eggs in hot Pan.
3.Grab saucepan of Beans in one hand , and pan in other.
4.Spin in centre of kitchen until desired splatter pattern is achieved.
5.Dip hand in beans , leave beany hand print on fridge door.
6.Drop one of the fried eggs on cooker , beat with splatular , then pick up and serve on bed of beans.Remember to spill a trail of beans across kitchen when carrying plate to table
7.Leave all washing up , egg shells , tea bags etc in sink.
8.Remeber presentation, presentation , presentation.

**Alfie and Lloyd like to leave me a big steaming present every time they visit.....They are dead thoughtful like that.


**** BREAKING NEWS****
The Miserable old bastard has been feverishly rushing around all day , with a hunted look , and miracle of miracles a fence has appeared.Obviously an enraged Mr C brandishing a smoking frying pan has put the fear of god up the old git.
THREE CHEERS FOR MR C and Little Lloyd !!!!

39 comments:

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Livin la vida loco, for sure. Beans and eggs are a deadly combo, add leeks and it's downright obscene. I know, the fella's used to feed, my ex, all that, you know pickled eggs and lima bean soup with leeks. I am no longer with him, as you can imagine.

First Nations said...

Gotta side with Mr. C on this one; I'da done the same thing. Plus, all along I'da been hucking slugs and cat crap onto his side of the line. Don't forget to chunk those Lloyd leftovers into his side of the yard, too.

BEAST said...

DirtyBitchSociety said...
Livin la vida loco, for sure. Beans and eggs are a deadly combo, add leeks and it's downright obscene. I know, the fella's used to feed, my ex, all that, you know pickled eggs and lima bean soup with leeks. I am no longer with him, as you can imagine.
DBS , yeuuuk pickled eggs and leeks , you would be scraping that out of the back of your pants for a week

BEAST said...

First Nations said...
Gotta side with Mr. C on this one; I'da done the same thing. Plus, all along I'da been hucking slugs and cat crap onto his side of the line. Don't forget to chunk those Lloyd leftovers into his side of the yard, too.

FN , he he I knew you would , I think Mr C may be you in male form :-)

Hammer said...

Thanks for the recipe and I was wondering if your baked beans are the same as over here. Ours are filled with brown sugar and probably wouldn't taste good with eggs.

As for diplomacy, I would support Mr C being assigned as a special envoy to the U.N,

mutleythedog said...

I think the looney bastard has to put the fence back or be sued for any ensuing losses. Thats one approach... or ... inform him that as he has not done it you will do it and send him the bill.... if he dont pay he goes to court.... or fire bomb hios house. As a lawyer I did recommend this before...

Or ask Mr C to take up naturism...

Newforestandy said...

Well Sir Beast, its a bit of a dilemma, I def would side with Mr Mutley, invite Mr F over and all three of you hang out nude in the back garden, am sure this will do the trick. Congratulate Mr C for his superb quisine skills, has he thought about starting up a restaurant business, am sure you could be a ort time waitor/lap dancer/rent boy for him.

I think you have Mr C competely wrong as he didnt cook you any breakfast or even a portion of CHIPS!

Incidentally, beans, garlic, cabbage, eggs, leek, swede and sprouts makes a great meal and helps with creating a huge wind storm!

BEAST said...

Hammer said...
Thanks for the recipe and I was wondering if your baked beans are the same as over here. Ours are filled with brown sugar and probably wouldn't taste good with eggs.

As for diplomacy, I would support Mr C being assigned as a special envoy to the U.N,


Mr Hammer , sweet baked beans???? , thats a travesty sir.The baked beans is a trully versatile vegetable , but they HAVE to be Heinz Baked Beans , nothing else will do.
Mr C would probably get more results than the curent , hand wringing , wooly UN lot

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
I think the looney bastard has to put the fence back or be sued for any ensuing losses. Thats one approach... or ... inform him that as he has not done it you will do it and send him the bill.... if he dont pay he goes to court.... or fire bomb hios house. As a lawyer I did recommend this before...

Or ask Mr C to take up naturism...

Mr M , we are planning to tack up some dreafull looking orange plastic fencing over the gap , that should get him moving.
I am not convinced a Nekkid MR C , cavorting in my garden would be the answer , he might catch a chill or harpoon certain vunerable man parts on the bamboo plants....it could all end very badly indeed

BEAST said...

Newforestandy said...
Well Sir Beast, its a bit of a dilemma, I def would side with Mr Mutley, invite Mr F over and all three of you hang out nude in the back garden, am sure this will do the trick. Congratulate Mr C for his superb quisine skills, has he thought about starting up a restaurant business, am sure you could be a ort time waitor/lap dancer/rent boy for him.
Mr NFA , see above re nekkid cavorting , I am sure the Nobel peace prize has Mr C's name on it this year

I think you have Mr C competely wrong as he didnt cook you any breakfast or even a portion of CHIPS!

I was not there at the time , but dont worry I didnt go hungry , all I hadto do was lick the beans off the floor/sink/fridge when I returned :-)

Incidentally, beans, garlic, cabbage, eggs, leek, swede and sprouts makes a great meal and helps with creating a huge wind storm!

We are no strangers to bad wind at chez Beasty , Dirty Bitch Society has also been posting on freeing the inner wind recently , and since Mutley regularly gets a take away from Miss Mu Tai's establishment, I am sure he is regularly disturbed by a 'coughing' colon.
We could start up Fart Club (Its like fight club , but smellier)

Stan! said...

We have a mad cat woman living nearby who puts food out for the furry little bastards, they use her place as a kind of clubhouse and my garden as the club shithouse.I have tried to sit down and reason with the cats and offer them a compromise we can all live with. It's not like they are terrorists or anything. But it looks like the diplomatic track is failing...
I've heard that if you place lion dung strategically in the garden the cat initially is very intrigued by it but will not crap anywhere near it. I remain to be convinced...
'hope I haven't lowered the tone of the debate here.

BEAST said...

Stan! said...
We have a mad cat woman living nearby who puts food out for the furry little bastards, they use her place as a kind of clubhouse and my garden as the club shithouse.I have tried to sit down and reason with the cats and offer them a compromise we can all live with. It's not like they are terrorists or anything. But it looks like the diplomatic track is failing...
I've heard that if you place lion dung strategically in the garden the cat initially is very intrigued by it but will not crap anywhere near it. I remain to be convinced...
'hope I haven't lowered the tone of the debate here.


Welcome Stan , I heard on the radio that the lions dung didnt work when tested , the best thing was to get a big water pistol , The cats dont like that , and it does them no harm. I wouldnt worry about lowering the tone round here
it normally manages to plumett of its own accord :-)

First Nations said...

Truer words...!

The water pistol thing works like a CHARM, and also on dogs. Get one of those big rifle types that you pump up and have at!

It also has the added benefit of being totally fucking hilarious (100 times moreso after a few lagers!)

Mr. C, you totally kick ass. Smooches!

Frobisher said...

Damn, like NFA said I was all fired up for coming round and sunbathing in my thong in full view of the nasty neighbours.

Newforestandy said...

Surely just chilling naked in the garden would be fine, sod the neighbours, so to speak, we do it all the time here! Just let Mr C hang free to the wind!

Anonymous said...

WATT TRIGERED ME OFF LIKE VIPER ON HEAT WAS HE SAID TO ME I SHOULD BUT MY BOYS ON THE LEAD IN THE GARDEN.... THAT WAS THE TIPING POINT AND I GAVE HIM MAC. 4.. I WAS LIKE CHARLEY OFF OF BIG BROTHER .. BUT BETTER:-) GOD BLESS MR CUNT

Tickersoid said...

It's great to see conflicts resolved without the need for pouring milk down the back of radiators.

BEAST said...

First Nations said...
Truer words...!

The water pistol thing works like a CHARM, and also on dogs. Get one of those big rifle types that you pump up and have at!

It also has the added benefit of being totally fucking hilarious (100 times moreso after a few lagers!)


He He , its fun isnt it , also works on Jehovahs Witnesses and mormons so Ma Beasty informs me

Mr. C, you totally kick ass. Smooches!

Mr C is our Hero du Jour , so I suppose I have to stop carping about the mess in the kitchen , I will be in the corner muttering under my breath

BEAST said...

Frobisher said...
Damn, like NFA said I was all fired up for coming round and sunbathing in my thong in full view of the nasty neighbours.

No change there then !

BEAST said...

Newforestandy said...
Surely just chilling naked in the garden would be fine, sod the neighbours, so to speak, we do it all the time here! Just let Mr C hang free to the wind!

I am sure Mr C is dangling in the breeze in the garden of his country retreat , you know what these country folk are like

BEAST said...

MR C said...
WATT TRIGERED ME OFF LIKE VIPER ON HEAT WAS HE SAID TO ME I SHOULD BUT MY BOYS ON THE LEAD IN THE GARDEN.... THAT WAS THE TIPING POINT AND I GAVE HIM MAC. 4.. I WAS LIKE CHARLEY OFF OF BIG BROTHER .. BUT BETTER:-) GOD BLESS MR CUNT

A viper on heat eh ?
Hissssssssssss
snigger

BEAST said...

Tickersoid said...
It's great to see conflicts resolved without the need for pouring milk down the back of radiators.

Indeed Mr Ticks , or prawns down the back of the sofa , I will now have to start disposing of dog turds in a more reasonable fashion instead of flinging them in a neighbourly direction in the middle of the night :-)

Jenny! said...

What a fuck stick! I can't believe you didn't say anything to him! I would have been up his butt everyday! Like a buttplug that you can't get out!

Lippy said...

I would comment but I vowed when I went self employed that I would never take on another boundary dispute as long as I lived!

mutleythedog said...

Hay!! victory Mr B!! Now build your own one but taller and twice as expensive - rub the old goats face in it!!!

I think I might be a winner in fart club...it would be nice to have a sport I was good at..

Gorilla Bananas said...

Is this a new blog? My link to the old one hasn't been working for months. Regarding your problem with the old codger, I would have hired a prostitute to shake her tits at him and make lewd remarks from your side of the fence. Only then would I have threatened him. You have to exploit every opportunity for entertainment in life.

BEAST said...

Jenny! said...
What a fuck stick! I can't believe you didn't say anything to him! I would have been up his butt everyday! Like a buttplug that you can't get out!

Jenny , I think he was trying to make some dubass point or other , it wound him up more that he couldnt get a rise out of me , then to be confronted by a raging Mr C did the trick

BEAST said...

Lippy said...
I would comment but I vowed when I went self employed that I would never take on another boundary dispute as long as I lived!

Lippy good plan , but since the fence is now up , Mr C should be coming round from the tranquiliser dart any time soon and peace has been restored , your professional insite is no longer required

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
Hay!! victory Mr B!! Now build your own one but taller and twice as expensive - rub the old goats face in it!!!

I think I might be a winner in fart club...it would be nice to have a sport I was good at..


Mr Mutley , your plan has merit , alternatively I could also just spend the money on 36 pints of old lesbian no 6 , a curry and a muzzle for Mr C :-)

Mr M the first rule of Fart Club....is we dont talk about Fart Club

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
Is this a new blog? My link to the old one hasn't been working for months. Regarding your problem with the old codger, I would have hired a prostitute to shake her tits at him and make lewd remarks from your side of the fence. Only then would I have threatened him. You have to exploit every opportunity for entertainment in life.

Mr Bananas your are right as usual , my old blog was hacked and came to a sticky end , therefore I had to create a new one.
Had I thought of it , a good proportion of the young ladies I know , would have performed just as well for the price of a couple of bottles of cheap wine.I think I need to get some new friends :-(

Jenny! said...

You have a lot of patience to not get all worked up!

BEAST said...

Jenny! said...
You have a lot of patience to not get all worked up!

Jenny! life is too short to get wound up over anything other than a good meal or a good shag :-)

Tickersoid said...

Dropping dog shit at night. That's the bull dog spirit!(and possibly it's output)

ADW said...

I found you through Miss Jenny! and I know folks who cook like your friend. Do you think I could borrow him to freak out my evil neighbor The Stepford Cunt?

BEAST said...

Tickersoid said...
Dropping dog shit at night. That's the bull dog spirit!(and possibly it's output)

Its a marvellous deterent against identity theft as well , a couple of dog turds in your dustbin should deter anyone from sifting thru your rubbish to find your name and address

BEAST said...

ADW said...
I found you through Miss Jenny! and I know folks who cook like your friend. Do you think I could borrow him to freak out my evil neighbor The Stepford Cunt?

Welcome ADW , I am sure we can arrange a fee for MR C's services , however please be warned , he will eat everything in your fridge , Lloyd will chew up your favourte slippers and Alfie will take a dump on your favourite plant......all at no extra cost :-)

honkeie2 said...

I love fence wars! Crabby old ppl are always fun, because at some point they will fall over and you can point and laugh.

tony said...

de fence is the best form of attack..........

T-Bird said...

I am sort of glad stupid neighbours are a universal thing.

I am so trying that CSI splatter pattern approach to cooking.

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