Saturday, 11 August 2007
WAR AND PEACE
My next door neighbour is a cantankerous , selfish old bastard.
He looks like an ancient tortoise , and is one of those people who does anything and everything to be annoying , one suspects just to get a reaction . So in general I am perfectly polite to him and refuse to rise to the bait , which I hope winds him up even more.
Recently he had obviously decided the fence between our two properties needed to be replaced. One night a few months ago we had a bit of a storm , with high winds and rain, I got called out for work about 5 am , and as I was pottering about upstairs getting dressed , I saw him and his half senile wife suruptiously pulling down and breaking up one of the fence panels.(it was completely undamaged up till this point)
When I got back from work later that day , he was lurking in his front garden waiting to collar me , to deliver the good news that the storm had smashed one of the fence panels down and therefore I had to replace the whole fence.
Silly old fart had forgotten to check the deeds on the house...before him and the retard broke it down.....the fence is his.
He was less than pleased when I pointed this out.
To cut a long story short , and much argy bargy , he removed the whole fucking fence.
The whole fucking fence has been missing for two months , with the rider that he will replace it 'when he feels like it'
This causes me a major headache when the dogs are here , as Lloyd invariably runs off.Its a busy traffic area so its a big fecking worry.Plus I have totally lost my privacy during the summer months.GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Enter our hero , Natural Born Dimplomat MR C.
Mr C blundered into my house while I was at work , and was making himself some lunch ,merrily splattering baked beans and fried eggs all over the kitchen*(see footnote) .He had just let Alfie and Lloyd out into the garden to evacuate their bowels on my ornamental stones**.When predicatably Lloyd ran off.
Mr C broke off his lunch preparations/Kitchen redec and stomped out into the garden to find lloyd.
Mr C to next door old git (who was lurking his side of the non existant fence) Have you seen my dog?
Now given that little lloydy must have just capered past the old bastard in his bid for freedom , he smirked What does it look like?
Mr C (warming up for a bit of diplomacy) Its got four fucking legs
Old Git (gesturing vaguely to the left and suppressing a nasty snigger) It went that way , Its playing on that building site
Mr C (Chanels the spirit of Dr Kissinger) YOU FUCKING MISERABLE OLD CUNT , PUT THE FUCKING FENCE BACK
Result , Mexican stand off , and I am likely to be without a fence for the next two months.
Mr C is free should Dr Condelisa Rice need any help sorting out the mad moolers and assorted camel fuckers in the Middle East!
* Baked Beans and Eggs , from Country Cooking With Mr C , available in wipe clean hardback at any reputable cleaning product store.
1.Open can of beans, pour into saucepan.
2.Crack eggs in hot Pan.
3.Grab saucepan of Beans in one hand , and pan in other.
4.Spin in centre of kitchen until desired splatter pattern is achieved.
5.Dip hand in beans , leave beany hand print on fridge door.
6.Drop one of the fried eggs on cooker , beat with splatular , then pick up and serve on bed of beans.Remember to spill a trail of beans across kitchen when carrying plate to table
7.Leave all washing up , egg shells , tea bags etc in sink.
8.Remeber presentation, presentation , presentation.
**Alfie and Lloyd like to leave me a big steaming present every time they visit.....They are dead thoughtful like that.
**** BREAKING NEWS****
The Miserable old bastard has been feverishly rushing around all day , with a hunted look , and miracle of miracles a fence has appeared.Obviously an enraged Mr C brandishing a smoking frying pan has put the fear of god up the old git.
THREE CHEERS FOR MR C and Little Lloyd !!!!
- ► 2011 (15)
- ► 2010 (39)
- ► 2009 (87)
- ► 2008 (109)
- ▼ August (11)