On Saturday I was unexpectedly invited to Frobishers to take afternoon tea , with Mr F and Mr C , in Mr F's expansive garden.
I should have been on my guard , as yet another of Mr Frobishers garden chairs mysteriously collapsed underneath me , pitching me into a flower bed full of sharpened tomato canes , (like one of those feindish jungle animal traps filled with razor sharp bamboo sticks ).
Luckily The Beast has skin as tough as a hippo's hide , and apart from a few peircings and a minor scald from the tea , the Beast survived to fight another day , I was much more wary of helpful suggestion from Mr F of 'why dont you pop upstairs to the luxurious bathroom and cleanse your wounds' . Its not too big a leap of faith to imagine lard spread on the stairs , so I toboggan down the steps to an untimely demise or taps accidentally wired into the mains... POOF!! oops Frying tonight.
A brave Beasty , stiff upper lip creaking in the breeze , politely refused all offers of 'assistance ' and just sat quietly and bled on the blighters patio . It was a shame to refuse Mr C's 'Almond suprise' french fancies' , specially baked for my pleasure apparently , anyone who has ever watched Miss Marple knows that almond= cyanide , so I didnt fancy taking the risk.
Mr Frobisher and MR C are obviously insanley jealous of my glamorous weight loss and are trying once again to bump me off. Call me paranoid but , I shall be keeping a weather eye over the next few weeks for cut brake pipes , poisonous snakes in me gym bag or deadly scorpions in me pants drawer.
41 comments:
PLASTIC GARDEN FURNITURE CAN'T BE USED AS A ROCKING CHAIR!
*feels a rush of empathy for Beasts parents*
(your lucky I binned the tomato plants otherwise you could have had a nasty case of blight!)
I am sure Inspector 'Gripper' of Boscombe CID will view this pathetic protestation of innocence with the contempt it deserves.
I seem to remember you binning the Tomato plants AFTER I had been pitched headlong into them.... yet another string to this dastardley plot has been revealed....galloping Tomato Blight , and the evidence has now been destroyed
are you sure you're not being a little ungracious to your kind hosts? You'd have to eat a lot of almonds to kill yourself... I know, I have tried...
It's okay Frobisher, I tried to kill Beasty once with Watermelon gum but failed miserably. At least I got a few laughs out of it though!
It sounds like your just clumsy Beast!
It's okay...I am too!
I hope you have suitable life insurance? Maybe it would be worth hiring your own food 'sampler' and personal body guard? If yor stuck for bodyguards I am sure there are a few grannies around Boscombe with bricks in their handbags!
With regards to Inspector Gripper of Boscombe CID, would this be Jack the Gripper? I have heard he is into torture and S&M. I bet you know him from under Boscombe Pier?
A failed assassination attempt makes you stronger and your enemies weaker.
They'll rue the day they tried to whack the Beast.
Mermaid of Moorgate said...
are you sure you're not being a little ungracious to your kind hosts? You'd have to eat a lot of almonds to kill yourself... I know, I have tried...
no , no , no cyanide smells of almonds.....dubmbass :-)
one day we bump you off
NATEMARE said...
It's okay Frobisher, I tried to kill Beasty once with Watermelon gum but failed miserably. At least I got a few laughs out of it though!
That damn gum was lethal , I nearly exploded
Jenny! said...
It sounds like your just clumsy Beast!
It's okay...I am too!
the near perfect crime Jenny ! , oh dear clumsy old beast , broke the chair and impaled himself on the tomato sticks / slipped down the stairs / fried himself on the taps / over dosed on almonds...you can see how it was gonna play
Newforestandy said...
I hope you have suitable life insurance? Maybe it would be worth hiring your own food 'sampler' and personal body guard? If yor stuck for bodyguards I am sure there are a few grannies around Boscombe with bricks in their handbags!
the insurance is made out to Messr's F and C , do you think that was a mistake?
With regards to Inspector Gripper of Boscombe CID, would this be Jack the Gripper? I have heard he is into torture and S&M. I bet you know him from under Boscombe Pier?
That explains leather waistcoat and aimless toying with a set of handcuffs
Gorilla Bananas said...
A failed assassination attempt makes you stronger and your enemies weaker.
They'll rue the day they tried to whack the Beast
I wish you hadnt said that , it sounds vaguely disgusting
First Nations said...
*checks underwear drawer*
damn. thought those were silverfish.
whack the beast.
whack the beast.
whack the beast.
whack the beast.
whack the beast.
whack the beast.
whack
the
beast.
i can't stop saying it for some reason.
Wouldnt be anywhere to hide in amongst all those cheesewire thongs Miss FN.....
Its not just me is it Whack the Beast sounds a bit rude
Anonymous said...
one day we bump you off
at least Ma Beasty is sober enough to type
I love it that you spelled Dumbass wrong when you were trying to insult me.
ha ha ha ha.
I think I'll help Frobisher in his assassination attempts. I'm pretty good with a stapler and a 7.62×51mm police assault rifle. 'Twas really me who shot the Arch-Duck Franz Ferdinand and put an end to shit music everywhere
Mermaid of Moorgate said...
I love it that you spelled Dumbass wrong when you were trying to insult me.
ha ha ha ha.
Its a fair cop , I have been writting computer code for so long my spelling and grammar have gone to sh*te , and it was less an insultand more an excess of cheek :-)
I think I'll help Frobisher in his assassination attempts. I'm pretty good with a stapler and a 7.62×51mm police assault rifle. 'Twas really me who shot the Arch-Duck Franz Ferdinand and put an end to shit music everywhere
Pffft Bring it on , the Beast is hard enough, but can you arrange a hit on James Blunt his warbling is getting right on my moobs
James blunt is an ugly fecker and deserves to die. Like Chickens. They're ugly and deserve to have their necks wrung. I would love to wring Blunt's scrawny little spotty unshaven throat and cover him in the Colonel's special secret sauce. I hate that minging twazzock.
I know. That's not very Christian. But I hear St Peter hates James Blunt too. Sometimes Mother Theresa looks down from heaven and spits in his direction.
Mermaid of Moorgate said...
James blunt is an ugly fecker and deserves to die. Like Chickens. They're ugly and deserve to have their necks wrung. I would love to wring Blunt's scrawny little spotty unshaven throat and cover him in the Colonel's special secret sauce. I hate that minging twazzock.
I know. That's not very Christian. But I hear St Peter hates James Blunt too. Sometimes Mother Theresa looks down from heaven and spits in his direction.
I never was much of a christian , My uncle is a happy clappy vicar , and has rather coloured my religious experience from an early age , even at 5 years old I thought , 'what a complete Knob' , if God wanted me to believe in him , he could have made a better effort than that
aren't you a wee bit paranoid? maybe frobisher is just trying to keep you on your toes by making you have little accidents, but nothing life-threatening. i mean, he could have hit you with a frying pan on the back of your head (there's one spot that will kill you instantly) as soon as you walked in the door if he truly meant you harm. i think.
then again, maybe he's taken out an insurance policy against you and is trying to off you for the money.
Pink Drama said...
aren't you a wee bit paranoid? maybe frobisher is just trying to keep you on your toes by making you have little accidents, but nothing life-threatening. i mean, he could have hit you with a frying pan on the back of your head (there's one spot that will kill you instantly) as soon as you walked in the door if he truly meant you harm. i think.
then again, maybe he's taken out an insurance policy against you and is trying to off you for the money.
Pinky , the old frying pan on the back of the skull would be rather difficult to pass off as an accident , whereas a freak tomato related impaling accident is so ridiculous everyone would believe it
Unfortunately the grammatical errors in the post ruined it for me.
stephen fry said...
Unfortunately the grammatical errors in the post ruined it for me
Mr Fry old chap , I am horrified that my lack of grammatical preciseness has spoiled your enjoyment of my humble ramblings , I do hope this did not result in excrutiating puckering of the rectal sphincter , as I am led to believe happens frequently to the anally retentive , I shall endevor to improve
So I take it you don't like surprises?
this bogg is just fun fun fun ....
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Why don't you both just say sorry and make up?
I love marzipan. If ever I want to kill myself that's the way I'll go.
ADW said...
So I take it you don't like surprises?
ADW I like small but expensive surprises :-)
Anonymous said...
this bogg is just fun fun fun ....
Ma Beasty is in an up mood a fresh supply of HRT patches must have been flown in
Anonymous said...
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
oh no , hysterical laughter can only mean one thing......gulp
mutleythedog said...
Why don't you both just say sorry and make up?
MR MUTLEY , QUICK , RUN , ITS ABOUT TO GET UGLY
Tickersoid said...
I love marzipan. If ever I want to kill myself that's the way I'll go.
How nice , I prefer cheese and onion crisps
Sorry about that Mr M , what can I say , its a full moon , Dale Winton was on the TV and its pension day tomorrow, the poor thing gets over excited !
I love marzipan. If ever I want to kill myself that's the way I'll go"
Tickersoid! You have hit the nail upon the head! Ay - there's the rub. For I wondered why I had a craving for the yellow confection last night. I ended up scouring my cooking cupboard last night for marzipan and ate a huge chunk. Now I know why - subliminal Beastliness .
Must also be why many of his readers eat huge knobs of cheese as well...
HUGE KNOBS OF CHEESE ????
The Beast takes genital hygiene very seriously.
Pass the listerine Mr Hitch , I only need a quick splash
First Nations said...
blowjobs?
blowjobs?
*peers around intently like a human meerkat*
blowjobs???
come on now. i know what i heard.
Being sweet and innocent , i have no idea what you mean
I'm dirty and guilty. want me to spell it out for ya???
please?
PLEEEEEEEEEZE???
First Nations said...
I'm dirty and guilty. want me to spell it out for ya???
please?
PLEEEEEEEEEZE???
Jungle Jane just demonstrated with a carrot...... I didnt realise she was a vegetarian !
y'all are a bunch of perverts. i swear, next time, the encyclopedias are being locked up just like the liqour.
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