FROBISHER IS TRYING TO KILL ME - MURDER MOST FOUL

On Saturday I was unexpectedly invited to Frobishers to take afternoon tea , with Mr F and Mr C , in Mr F's expansive garden.

I should have been on my guard , as yet another of Mr Frobishers garden chairs mysteriously collapsed underneath me , pitching me into a flower bed full of sharpened tomato canes , (like one of those feindish jungle animal traps filled with razor sharp bamboo sticks ).

Luckily The Beast has skin as tough as a hippo's hide , and apart from a few peircings and a minor scald from the tea , the Beast survived to fight another day , I was much more wary of helpful suggestion from Mr F of 'why dont you pop upstairs to the luxurious bathroom and cleanse your wounds' . Its not too big a leap of faith to imagine lard spread on the stairs , so I toboggan down the steps to an untimely demise or taps accidentally wired into the mains... POOF!! oops Frying tonight.

A brave Beasty , stiff upper lip creaking in the breeze , politely refused all offers of 'assistance ' and just sat quietly and bled on the blighters patio . It was a shame to refuse Mr C's 'Almond suprise' french fancies' , specially baked for my pleasure apparently , anyone who has ever watched Miss Marple knows that almond= cyanide , so I didnt fancy taking the risk.

Mr Frobisher and MR C are obviously insanley jealous of my glamorous weight loss and are trying once again to bump me off. Call me paranoid but , I shall be keeping a weather eye over the next few weeks for cut brake pipes , poisonous snakes in me gym bag or deadly scorpions in me pants drawer.

MID LIFE CRISIS

You blunder along this far in life , worked hard , own house , own car , no debts , had some good times , had some bad times and helped who ever you could along the way.

Now if this is as good as it gets

OH FUCK

I think a radical rethink may be required . Now this is gonna get messy . My job dissapears in about 9 months time , so I got a timescale for thinking and planning what direction to take next .Its gonna be stressful , but its also exciting. At this point I have no idea what to do , or where to do it.

One of the worst aspects of this for me is when you actually stop and look at friends and family you have to take into account in your plans , I have realised most of my friends(with a few notable exceptions) are totally self absorbed and would not notice if I burst into flames in their living rooms........ So I am starting on my preparetory feel good about yourself list.

1.Got the metabolic impasse on the run - nearly a stone down and going strong

2.Back to the gym , big time , get my fitness levels back up - mentally this makes you feel so much better

3.Give up smoking (Yes I know AGAIN , but hopefully this time it will stick).

The rest I am going to have to trust to fate for the time being , but if you feel confident and strong.......

How wrong can it go ?

HA HA HA HA HA

CABIN FEVER

With Friends looking at buying land in the sticks and living on it , the Beast is becoming obsessed with trawling the interweb looking at log cabin kits , with ridiculous fantasies of roughing it in the wild , flitting round my brain , its going to be a cross between 'Little Beast on the Prairie and 'Nanuck of the North'.

I have yet to find the dream cabin to satisfy my log lust , so the search goes on.

Bad News tonight Tracey got booted out of Big Brother.

I am gutted.

She may have looked like worzel Gummidge with a hangover , but I am going to miss her :-(

!

!

Now on another topic all together. Genital Warts.

Why are they so unpopular?????.

Hey Girls and boys , ribbed for your pleasure !!!!!

If you want to test drive a set , superglue a handful of rice crispies to your bits.

Go and have a good dangle at your local nudist beach or gym changing rooms

, you never know , You could make a whole new set of friends .

SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT ! ....Errrr Sorry SHITE

Lunch at MR C's on Sunday was an aromatic affair. Frobisher was lounging on the sofa (like Joan Collins) being waited on hand and foot . Little Lloyd in search of something well padded and warm to curl up on obviously chose our Frobi over the firmer and more sculpted Beast (Mr C was , wearing his fingers to the bone slaving over a hot stove - NOT !) . Little Lloyd snuggled up to Frobi with his little backside resting on the wooden arm of the sofa. After about 5 minutes Frobisher was pulling faces and flapping his arms about and making little mewing noises of disgust , and asking if we could smell anything.

Nope , fresh as a daisy in the Beast's vicinity , cutting remarks were made about Frobisher changing his pants on a more regular basis etc etc , until Frobi sunk into a sulking silence .

10 minutes later , A gagging Frobisher now getting very distressed , and wailing loudly 'Whats that smell' .

Upon investigation , Little Lloyd , was sitting in the exact correct position to drain the contents of his anal glands all over the chair arm....... nice !

Myself and Mr C needless to say found this highly amusing , as poor Frobi gagged and choked in the corner........he he he

The good news is the X factor is back. Yippee

The Beast loves this type of aspirational trash TV , and I am constantly amazed at how some of these people who turnup at the auditions , queue for hours , horribly embarrass themselves in front of millions of viewers and are still convinced they can sing and have 'Star quality' ........ its great.

Did you all had good weekends ?

THE COUSCOUS CAKE OF DOOM

In the main the slimming world regime has been going really well . 4 weeks in and I am 11 pounds down . Once you get your head round the concept that you are not dieting as such(ie starvation and obsessivley weighing EVERYTHING) but changing what you eat together , and what to only eat in small quantities , its great.

I bought a couple of their recipe books , the sauce one is brilliant , the Chip Shop Curry sauce is so good you dont know wether to eat it or spoon it down your undies.

But I have found a couple of real horrors.

Peas Pudding Pasta sauce........ this looked like an extra from Star Treck , smelt like cat sick , and had a taste and texture that was just disgusting .I had to throw the whole stinking mess down the toilet , followed by a flushing fest , as it actually proved very tenacious in sticking to the old enamel.........Shudders.

The second was a couscous cake , what can I say about this nightmare except , its the sort of thing you would want to slip into someones sports/handbag , that you really , really didnt like .

They would be haunted by it for the next 20 years , wondering what large carniverous animal had been wandering about and decided to empty its colon in their hand luggage.

Gotta run , the gym beckons , Beasty is soon going to be back to his lithe , sinious self.

Watch out world here I come :-)

WELL , BUGGER ME !

The title by the way is an exclamation of surprise , rather than an invitation.

I was rudely awoken a 5am by what sounded like Concorde trying to land in my kitchen . I stumbled downstairs to find my fridge freezer is a .Making the aformentioned shocking noise and has b) defrosted itself incontinently all over the utility room floor. I cant believe how much mess melting ice cream , frozen soups and summer fruits can make , it looked like someone had had a very unpleasant gastric incident .
So half an hour of very grumpy clean up and dumping the freezers contents in the bin , I eventually settled down with a nice cup of tea for a bit of hot internet action before I got ready for work.
I signed on to my hotmail account to find a mail from Ebay cheerfuly informing me I had been unsuccesful in my attempted bid for......wait for it

SMUTT PEDDLERS - PORN AGAIN 1987.

Well as I said, Bugger me , I havnt signed on to ebay for weeks so I find this a little surprising!!
I think I am also now a little upset that I didnt win the auction.
Life can be so cruel !

WAR AND PEACE

My next door neighbour is a cantankerous , selfish old bastard.
He looks like an ancient tortoise , and is one of those people who does anything and everything to be annoying , one suspects just to get a reaction . So in general I am perfectly polite to him and refuse to rise to the bait , which I hope winds him up even more.

Recently he had obviously decided the fence between our two properties needed to be replaced. One night a few months ago we had a bit of a storm , with high winds and rain, I got called out for work about 5 am , and as I was pottering about upstairs getting dressed , I saw him and his half senile wife suruptiously pulling down and breaking up one of the fence panels.(it was completely undamaged up till this point)
When I got back from work later that day , he was lurking in his front garden waiting to collar me , to deliver the good news that the storm had smashed one of the fence panels down and therefore I had to replace the whole fence.
Silly old fart had forgotten to check the deeds on the house...before him and the retard broke it down.....the fence is his.
He was less than pleased when I pointed this out.
To cut a long story short , and much argy bargy , he removed the whole fucking fence.
The whole fucking fence has been missing for two months , with the rider that he will replace it 'when he feels like it'

This causes me a major headache when the dogs are here , as Lloyd invariably runs off.Its a busy traffic area so its a big fecking worry.Plus I have totally lost my privacy during the summer months.GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.


Enter our hero , Natural Born Dimplomat MR C.
Mr C blundered into my house while I was at work , and was making himself some lunch ,merrily splattering baked beans and fried eggs all over the kitchen*(see footnote) .He had just let Alfie and Lloyd out into the garden to evacuate their bowels on my ornamental stones**.When predicatably Lloyd ran off.
Mr C broke off his lunch preparations/Kitchen redec and stomped out into the garden to find lloyd.
Mr C to next door old git (who was lurking his side of the non existant fence) Have you seen my dog?

Now given that little lloydy must have just capered past the old bastard in his bid for freedom , he smirked What does it look like?

Mr C (warming up for a bit of diplomacy) Its got four fucking legs

Old Git (gesturing vaguely to the left and suppressing a nasty snigger) It went that way , Its playing on that building site

Mr C (Chanels the spirit of Dr Kissinger) YOU FUCKING MISERABLE OLD CUNT , PUT THE FUCKING FENCE BACK







Result , Mexican stand off , and I am likely to be without a fence for the next two months.
Mr C is free should Dr Condelisa Rice need any help sorting out the mad moolers and assorted camel fuckers in the Middle East!

* Baked Beans and Eggs , from Country Cooking With Mr C , available in wipe clean hardback at any reputable cleaning product store.
1.Open can of beans, pour into saucepan.
2.Crack eggs in hot Pan.
3.Grab saucepan of Beans in one hand , and pan in other.
4.Spin in centre of kitchen until desired splatter pattern is achieved.
5.Dip hand in beans , leave beany hand print on fridge door.
6.Drop one of the fried eggs on cooker , beat with splatular , then pick up and serve on bed of beans.Remember to spill a trail of beans across kitchen when carrying plate to table
7.Leave all washing up , egg shells , tea bags etc in sink.
8.Remeber presentation, presentation , presentation.

**Alfie and Lloyd like to leave me a big steaming present every time they visit.....They are dead thoughtful like that.


**** BREAKING NEWS****
The Miserable old bastard has been feverishly rushing around all day , with a hunted look , and miracle of miracles a fence has appeared.Obviously an enraged Mr C brandishing a smoking frying pan has put the fear of god up the old git.
THREE CHEERS FOR MR C and Little Lloyd !!!!

TWIDDLING BORED THUMBS

As Its been a slow day today , I popped out at lunch time


















for Fish and Chips from Mu Tai's experemental mobile 'Bridport Experience Luncharama' (its a converted mobile mortuary , very reasonably priced on EBay apparently).

I opted for the fillet o' Devil Fish , and was a little suprised to find this glaring at me when I opened the take away carton .It was a bit tough and kept screaming curses at me when it tried to get a bite . I chucked the little blighter over a hedge in the end and tried to eat the chips , but I think the devil fish had had a little accident on them.......so now I am starving.

On another topic , Jenny! has been getting all giddy at the mere mention of a weener . Once Mr Natemare(hes american) had explained to me what a weener was , I cant understand all the fuss.
Now this is what I call a Beast sized weener. I am sure Jenny! , being a dainty young lady with impecable manners , would rather choke than sink her delicate gnashers into anything of this size !

Mr Mutley has very kindly sent me another set of pictures of his naked rump , with amusing faces painted on it.
How we laughed chez beasty , and I have had all the pictures blown up and made into table mats , that I will be sending as christmas gifts to freinds and family this year.
I must now away and prepare for what will hopefully turn out to be an exciting weekend of fun and frollicks (I am working on the theory that someday I will have an exciting weekend full of fun and frollicks , it cant keep passing me by)

BAGPIPES

Well three weeks in and the diet is going well .However the fat is going from the extremeties first , and not my guts , so as I lay alluringly on the couch , sensously smoking a cigar , I probably look more like a casually tossed aside set of bagpipes* than Micheangelo's David......still onwards and upwards.







I was having a bit of a nerdy session and was reading up on the 'Interweb' ** on weight loss and found a couple of horrifying reports.The first stated if I didnt lose weight prety damn quick , the multiplying fat cells would suppress the testosterone production and I would grow an enormous pair of hooters. In this event I could always make the best of a bad lot and make a feature of them ...... paint them with flourescent paint and surround them with fairy lights?????. I would always have something to play with on a quiet night in I suppose.




The other report was monitoring groups of people on varying degrees of low fat diet. If you
looked at the figures for the people on extreme low fat intakes , the percentage increase for a violent cause of death(ie being murdered) was massive. The scientist bods reckoned this was becuase fat passifies our moods , therefore very low fat= very volatile person , who was more likely to put themselves in situations where they meet a sticky end.




So there you have it unless The Beast steers a very careful middle road I will iether have to go and buy a bra or I will get murdered (probably at the hands of the Slimming World class mates , should I win Slimmer of the week again! ).


Would anyone like to share a donut ????


*Note to self : the Tartan Boxer Shorts , albeit very competively priced , were possibly a fashion faux par

** Mr Mutley in his new Head Of IT role , informs me this is the correct term , as it is a 'web' of net thingies (thats a technical term apparently)

THE MISTS ARE CLEARING!!!!

Well , the spookily accurate , Camp Russell has been sending me astrological predictions again.(Do you remember the flood warning ? )

Chubby Russell Twitters :-
Just like uninvited weeds take advantage of the warm, bright sun, there is someone in your life who is taking your generosity for granted. They thrive under your benevolence and this is no bad thing. But it is time now for you to focus on yourself. Call my Taurean advice line 0904 020 4367

Hurrah , so this week , its bugger the lot of you , its all about ME , ME , ME . :-)

MODESTY

SLIMMER OF THE WEEK

MWA HA HA HA HA

Well I did it !!!!!. I pipped The lovely Claire to the post , she will no doubt be leaving banana skins on the stairs ,cutting my brake pipes and wiring my chair into the mains. Lets hope she doesnt team up with Mr C or I am a gonna.

On the bright side , I will look good for me funeral :-) .

Have we all had good weeks ????