Tuesday, 29 May 2007

SNOT FUNNY !


I cant believe it , some plague ridden workmate has infected me with a cold.I have spent the whole weekend a 'coughing and a, sneezing.Worse still its one of the real runny ones , so I look like I have some sort of ejaculation problem or my brains are leaking out of me nose.I dragged meself into work this morning and got promptly sent home , I was suprised I didnt get given a bell and a sign saying unclean to hang around me neck.
Ungrateful Bastards
I have spent the rest of the day loafing around in bed eating chocolate biscuits and crisps(chips for our American readership) and scraping snot off me face with the whole kitchen roll I took to bed with me.
Its not a pleasant sight.
Being a man , I of course like to make a huge drama when I am ill , but living on my own I find my scope is limited in my home environmens , so thank heavens for technology , I have phoned ma Beasty and moaned, coughed , sneezed and bleated , and mailed and MSN'd all my female aquantencences to allow them to cosset and fuss.I had mixed success , a few 'there , there, there's' , the odd 'I hope you feel better tomorrow' and one threat of If i didnt stop whingeing I would soon have a visit to show me the true meaning of pain and suffering(you somehow expect better of your own MOTHER !)





Has Mr Gorilla Bananas hit upon a winning marketing opertunity , watch out for Beast snot coming soon to a supermarket near you.


On another note have a look at this blog , I cant wait to see what our resident Amazons Jungle Jane and First Nations make of this www.MenAreBetterThanWomen.com

44 comments:

Newforestandy said...

Poor Beastie, sounds like you need some horse dung rubbed on your chest. This has two positive features, firstly it helps to keep your nasal tubes clear and secondly it fertilizes your chest hair and thickens it up.
Perhaps you need a plate of fresh jam doughnuts to make u feel better?

Old Knudsen said...

A cold? ach poor wee lad, here let me get ya some lemsip, away with you. I once had Ebola but I still went into work as a brain surgeon and did a full shift without a complaint. I also got over time as my co-workers all dropped dead, working is not for the weak.

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Auntie Beastie if you are sick could I please have any spare weed you may have lying around? just leave it on the doorstep - i don't want to catch your germs. ta muchly.

jungle jane said...

Beastie i LOVE that dude! I want to nail him! he believes that men should do the shopping!

*dances off to take a boddingtons out of the dude's fridge too*

Little Miss Moi said...

Dear beast. Good luck. You know what they say... If someone will buy it, then sell it. (Do they say that? I'm sure they do but I think I may have partly made that up).

BEAST said...

N F A , Icouldnt force a donut past my swollen throat.....its manflu for sure.

Old knudy , you show that tru 'blitz ' spirit , I am suprised you havnt been nighted or at least made a dame.

Pixie , sory it would be covered in snot , i seem to be leaking !

JJ i was hoping you were gonna comment on the mans blog , we await your lead mine fuher

L M M. I will give it a go on Ebay , they will buy any old shite on there , old knudy and JJ have been buying my soiled underwear(I clean the car with them) for months

First Nations said...

if you lived next door I could rush you some chicken soup and whiskey but noooooooooo, you have to live on some damn foreign island damn place. fine. be that way.

website: yaaaaaaaaawn.

BEAST said...

FN , virtual chicken soup is almost as good as the real thing.rethe website , it takes all sorts i suppose :-)

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Hope you feel better, it's just snot funny, huh?
That Dick Masterson's an ass, ya know. I'd love to arm wrestle him, then black his eye so every time, somebody asks how he got the black eye, he has to relive it. Wanker!

First Nations said...

...see, now i'm all worried about you. goddammit, if you lived next door i could run you over some TheraFlu and old copies of the Sun to sop up all the oozing secretions. thanks. like i needed this.

*wooooOOOnWOOOOOoonWoooOOOONNNNN*

**virtual soup transmission sfx**

oo...i'm going to go comment on the guy's blog now!

First Nations said...

...on second thought i just can't be bothered. one asshole's enough for anyone.

BEAST said...

Dirty Bitch (good name btw) , I bet you would win as well , the boys on dicks site seem to be a bit on the inadequate side....bless.
FN I feel much better today ,(I slept about 14 hours yesterday) the dribbling has almost dried up , so you need worry no more.Ma Beasty is coming for a state visit tomorrow so I have to get ready for inspection - Stand By Your Beds !!!!!

Lippy said...

I'll send cake...will that help?

Feel better soon - go discover some new day time tv horror for us!

Anonymous said...

il send a letter bomb...

BEAST said...

Lippy , cake would be super , some cheapskate at work had to buy cakes for their birthday and turned up with a pile of Mr Kipling manky crap.
I am back at work now so only get to see the jeremy Kyle show while I am queuing for me breakfast :-(

Oh Its Mr C , have they released you into the community AGAIN .

jungle jane said...

Are you better yet Beastie? I could do with a nice cup of tea and a piece of lemon merangue pie, ta very much. No need to take yer time or skimp on the pie portion, yeah??

BEAST said...

Pie you say

**** looks guilty****
***BURP****
havn't got any of that

DirtyBitchSociety said...

I just got over a vicious cold, thought it was a cold and flu mix, nasty, nasty, nasty. It was a hideous display as my one eye kept tearing up, mascara and eyeliner running making me look even worse than I felt. Good to hear you came out of the 14 hour coma. Sometimes that's what you have to do, fuckitall.
Yes, Dicky boy and his crew are quite the transparent type. I've seen it before, in fact, I was married to one. He used to beat my ass, every chance he got. Till I shot him and that's the God honest truth. Been there, done that, bunch o'crap! Feel better!

DirtyBitchSociety said...

You know what the black people do, when they have a cold? They rub Vicks all over their feet and put socks on, they swear by it. Makes 'em dance better too, huh?

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Has anyone seen the fake cake i left lying about? the one with the dog-shit icing??

BEAST said...

DBS , I hope your feeling better , I would share that shoting story with dicks boys , they are scared enough of you girls as it is :-)

Damn Pixie I gave the cake away to starving orphans , did I do wrong ??

Dirty Bitch Society said...

You're a man, is that what it is, they're scared? They need to be. Now, I have the utmost respect for a good man, of course you have to be bigger than me, which I believe you are. But I think it's possibly that some nasty ho did 'em wrong and they think we're all nasty ho's. I never screwed around on my man and can't stand a skank myself. Seriously, what is their beef or lack of it?

Dirty Bitch Society said...

PS, I am feeling much better, how 'bout you?

Fausto Bustamante said...

... I have that same cold! Wouldn't it be queer if we had met and given it to each other.
Hang on, it doesn't work that way does it. Anyway must go blow my nose again.

Jenny! said...

You poor thing! Thank you for clarifying the crisps/chips thing...what are biscuits, like I know what biscuits are but specifically what type. I hear a lot of talk about them!

Pink Drama said...

poor beast! here, let me make you feel better.

*whap* *slaps beast across the head*

does that make you feel better?

*smirks*

jungle jane said...

*kicks beastie in the arse just to make sure he is really really better*

Anonymous said...

theres nothing wrong with him.. a bit of snott dosent warrant sympathy... attention seeking again...

mutleythedog said...

So this is why tou did not show up last night!! You might have told me I spent an hours shivering outside "Chicks With Dicks" dressed as Dame Nellie Melba...I was an object of derision for Bournemouths underclass once more.

david santos said...

Today it is the World-wide day of the child

BEAST said...

DBS said
You're a man, is that what it is, they're scared? They need to be. Now, I have the utmost respect for a good man, of course you have to be bigger than me, which I believe you are. But I think it's possibly that some nasty ho did 'em wrong and they think we're all nasty ho's. I never screwed around on my man and can't stand a skank myself. Seriously, what is their beef or lack of it?

DBS i blame it on less than adequate genitals meself

BEAST said...

Fausto Bustamante said...
... I have that same cold! Wouldn't it be queer if we had met and given it to each other.
Hang on, it doesn't work that way does it. Anyway must go blow my nose again.


I think I caught my cold from licking Jungle Janes toothbrush, I hope you feel better soon , I have now stopped hacking and ribbling and feel fine :-)

BEAST said...

Jenny! said...
You poor thing! Thank you for clarifying the crisps/chips thing...what are biscuits, like I know what biscuits are but specifically what type. I hear a lot of talk about them!

British biscuits are food of the gods , I could write poetry about the wonders of a custard cream or a chocolate hob knob , they are basically if dipped in a nice hot cup of tea(dunking) like an orgasm for your tongue.I bet Mr Mutley like a nice ginger nut !

BEAST said...

Pinky and JJ , thanks you for the physical abuse , one normally has to pay for such naughty pleasures , (so Frobisher tells me) , but I luckyboy get it for free , shouldn't you be wearing lots of leather and spikes ??

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
theres nothing wrong with him.. a bit of snott dosent warrant sympathy... attention seeking again...

Mr C
How dare you it was a serious medical condition like MANFLU
as oposed to the less serious bird flu of Dirty bitch (these girls make such a fuss.....childbirth pffft)
If you were any sort of friend you would have been here applying cold compresses , and plumping pillows and working the TV remote and stuff
Harumph.....its a medical miracle I pulled thru
BLAH
BLAH

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
So this is why tou did not show up last night!! You might have told me I spent an hours shivering outside "Chicks With Dicks" dressed as Dame Nellie Melba...I was an object of derision for Bournemouths underclass once more.

Oh poor Mutley ,I must have missed you , where you shivering with anticipation ???

I was the rather ample victoria beckham , lurking behind the dumpster....if only I had known it was you .......

BEAST said...

david santos said...
Today it is the World-wide day of the child

David , thank you for sharing! .
Being mentally subnormal , every day is the day of the child chez Beastie

Jenny! said...

So, are they more like donuts to us Yanks??? Or like biscotis???

BEAST said...

Mr Mutley I fear you are going to have to educate Miss Jenny in the wonders of an English biscuit (ignoring those nasty continental fripperies.....a biscotti indeed !)
How can one go to meet ones maker having never nibble a jammy dodger or dunked a chocolate bourbon and dont get me started on gypsy creams or lemon puffs.
Poor Miss Jenny needs urgent help , grab your anorak Mr Mutley , we have urgent business

Frobisher said...

frobisher said: "Beast seems to have got the hang of html"

shame he can't work his links!!!

oh btw, have signed you up for Peter's charabang over to Moscow for their Gay Pride (bring your own sandwiches & booze) - apparently were storming the Kremlin after cocktails!

see you in Siberia

jungle jane said...

Lemon poofs are for...well...poofs...

mutleythedog said...

... you fickle swine....I have sent all your man sized thongs to Oxfam - starving children need them more than I -as your friend David has reminded us!!

mutleythedog said...

Has your most recent post disappeared? If so why?

BEAST said...

Mr Mutley......I dont know it seems to have vapourised
I blame global warming

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