Wednesday, 9 May 2007

ACTION MAN AND A WATERCOLOUR


I seemed to spend a lot of my childhood sent to my room , unjustly for things my brothers did...... we have dealt with Beast Minors major crime (of which there were many) and now we move on to Beast Major.
Beast major was always a crabby child , but I still idolised him as my older brother , which he invariably used to get me into trouble.He was particularly bitter, twisted and just plain eaten up with jealousy when I got an action man for christmas , it was my favourite present EVER (well I was only 6).He lured my out into the garden to play , while the parentals and the grand parentals loafed belching and scratching in the lounge following a slap up xmas lunch.
Once in the garden he snatched poor action man and threw him as hard as he could up onto the roof, saying lets see if he can fly. Sadly he scored a bullseye and AM dissapeared straight down the chimney(This being the 60's most people still had coal fires).
There was a few moments of silence , followed by a huge ruckus from the house , and poor Beasty was summarilly frogged marched back indoors(Beast Major having scarpered).
It looked like something very nasty had exploded in the lounge , and sitting round on the fire side chairs was an array of soot blackened Beast elders, there was soot everywhere , sat perkily in the middle of this horror ..........Beasties Xmas actionman........
Smack....lecture.....a lot more smacking and harangueing, banishement to bed swiftly followed .
Happy Xmas Beasty :-(


The next crime happened later that year .Ma Beasty had epilepsy and was on a 5 year course of drugs , so poor thing was a bit zonked from those , plus three little heathen swine children and a dog to look after .She used to paint a lot at the time (and was quiet good).One lovely summers day we were all bumbling about in the garden , Ma Beasty had a watercolour on the go on an easel , and we three kids where messing about digging holes and stuff.Beast Major thought it would be highly hilarious to piss in a plastic bag and throw it at Beast minor who was happily playing with his bricks. So I was recuited to also fill a bag while Ma Beasty wasnt looking , he showed me how to tie a knot in the top , then he launched his nice full bag , and scarpered .Sadly it missed Beast Minor by a mile , and hit Ma Beasty , smack on the back of the head , burst and splattered all over the almost finished watercolour.
You cant imagine poor little Beastie , still clutching a damning bag of warm piss , being rounded upon by an enraged , dripping and fragrant Ma Beasty , her ruined , much belaboured painting , dripping and running in the back ground.
More smacking , haranguing and an early bed for Beastie followed by the long wait for the much feared , Pa Beasty , you have let everybody down , upset your mother and worst of all let yourself down lecture...... oh the horror of it.

Do you know I never ratted on Beast major for this till I was in my twenties , and only then becuase he ratted me out for something i did when I was eight(taking a crap in Pa Beasties shoe and blaming it on the dog...he he it was hilarious at the time).

Toodle pip

25 comments:

Hammer said...

This post made me extra glad I had no siblings.

Our piss grenades were in glass pickle jars. No one ever got wet just bruised.

BEAST said...

Hammer , there was an old orchard behind our garden, we used to use apples launched from the end of a stick for maximum bruising and splatter effect , that used to see off our arch enemies from accross the field(peter pansy and his wanky gang)

First Nations said...

i am so
VERY
VERY
GLAD
i was an only child.

my husband and his brothers are still ratting each other out for stuff that happened when they were kids too. and their mother still gets pissed off at them when she finds out! lordy.
this cracked me up, beast!
XOO

mutleythedog said...

I am glad you have used these hard learned techniques to great effect in your adult life Mr B. How would you have got your present job as a traffic warden without this... some people- by the way -like warm piss....

Pink Drama said...

that sounds like something my brothers would do. to this day. your brothers apparently figured out early on that you were the easy target. poor beast.

too funny, though. i can imagine that scene in my mind and the expression on your face was priceless!

BEAST said...

FN ... Luckily Ma and Pa Beasty think its all rather hilarious.

Mr Mutley , you just like to imagine I am a saucy yet beastial traffic warden in your fevered dreams ! you naughty man.

Pinky , my parents nicknamed me dumpling(ie a maliable suety blob) when I was a small child....middle child syndrome I am afraid.

Lippy said...

As I was the eldest goody two shoes I did nothing bad. But I do have a clear memory of my younger brother tipping Benylin Cough Syrup all over our baby sister who was in her cot and must have been about 10 months old at the time, he then gave her a light coating of talcum powder to complete the effect. And she just smiled serenely all through it!

Newforestandy said...

Now I know where you get your interest in S&M and watersports from, it all started up in your childhood. Next you will be telling us how you used to be tied up.

I feel so sorry for the people you tie to Boscombe Pier, late at night.

Incidentally I am a true meat eater and you cant beat a nice german sausage.

BEAST said...

Lippy I bet you had a dark side really :-)

NFA a pox on your german sausage sir. You cant beat a good british banger...harumph

Anonymous said...

yes ive herd you like sausage beast yummm yumm! :)

cunttess

BEAST said...

Mr C , only prime quality british beef mind.......

mutleythedog said...

Shucks -you got me...will you wear a severe skirt and a wig thing - Frobie has some...

First Nations said...

i'd rather imagined him with the shiny brass buttons and the white gloves, and the hat with the shiny brim...
and a truncheon....
a BIG truncheon...
*speeding the wrong way past beasts house at 3:am honking the horn*

BEAST said...

Mr Mutley , I thought we had covered this whole 'Beast in drag....bad idea ' thing.Unless I get to wear my glo globe , changing colour breasts ?? ....as that just sounds pure comedy.

FN my truncheon is standard issue :-(

jungle jane said...

I would like one of those 'action man' things. Do they make them for grown ups?

Beast Major sounds like his name should have been Beast Major Pain in the Arse. Actually he sounds kinda cute really...

BEAST said...

JJ yes they do they are called 'squaddies'......
Beast Major is still a ratbag , but since he's my big bro and a 4 th Dan Karate black belt we will let him off.

mind the gap said...

I was an only child but now I rather wish I had a beaslty brother who could have taught me tricks like wizzing in a plastic bag. What did Pa Beast do with the present in his shoe? Did the dog get it?

BEAST said...

MTG , indeed it did , but since it was a cumudgeonly beast of a think , that chewed up my favourite picture bible that my grandad brought me (not that I am slightly religious but it had some cool pictures in it) it deserved it !

Frobisher said...

Did you know that they have a special 40th anniversary re-issue of Action Man. Remember that bristly hair and jaunty angled scar? Memories.

I will invite Beast Major to the next BBQ - he sounds like fun.

BEAST said...

Frobi , Beast Major has the general mein of a rotweiler with piles....god bless him !

jungle jane said...

Is the 40th anniversary re-issue of Action Man a 40 year old action figure? with little plastic wrinkles and all?

Anonymous said...

Is that a picture of The Hitch swigging from the bottle?

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