Wednesday, 9 May 2007
ACTION MAN AND A WATERCOLOUR
I seemed to spend a lot of my childhood sent to my room , unjustly for things my brothers did...... we have dealt with Beast Minors major crime (of which there were many) and now we move on to Beast Major.
Beast major was always a crabby child , but I still idolised him as my older brother , which he invariably used to get me into trouble.He was particularly bitter, twisted and just plain eaten up with jealousy when I got an action man for christmas , it was my favourite present EVER (well I was only 6).He lured my out into the garden to play , while the parentals and the grand parentals loafed belching and scratching in the lounge following a slap up xmas lunch.
Once in the garden he snatched poor action man and threw him as hard as he could up onto the roof, saying lets see if he can fly. Sadly he scored a bullseye and AM dissapeared straight down the chimney(This being the 60's most people still had coal fires).
There was a few moments of silence , followed by a huge ruckus from the house , and poor Beasty was summarilly frogged marched back indoors(Beast Major having scarpered).
It looked like something very nasty had exploded in the lounge , and sitting round on the fire side chairs was an array of soot blackened Beast elders, there was soot everywhere , sat perkily in the middle of this horror ..........Beasties Xmas actionman........
Smack....lecture.....a lot more smacking and harangueing, banishement to bed swiftly followed .
Happy Xmas Beasty :-(
The next crime happened later that year .Ma Beasty had epilepsy and was on a 5 year course of drugs , so poor thing was a bit zonked from those , plus three little heathen swine children and a dog to look after .She used to paint a lot at the time (and was quiet good).One lovely summers day we were all bumbling about in the garden , Ma Beasty had a watercolour on the go on an easel , and we three kids where messing about digging holes and stuff.Beast Major thought it would be highly hilarious to piss in a plastic bag and throw it at Beast minor who was happily playing with his bricks. So I was recuited to also fill a bag while Ma Beasty wasnt looking , he showed me how to tie a knot in the top , then he launched his nice full bag , and scarpered .Sadly it missed Beast Minor by a mile , and hit Ma Beasty , smack on the back of the head , burst and splattered all over the almost finished watercolour.
You cant imagine poor little Beastie , still clutching a damning bag of warm piss , being rounded upon by an enraged , dripping and fragrant Ma Beasty , her ruined , much belaboured painting , dripping and running in the back ground.
More smacking , haranguing and an early bed for Beastie followed by the long wait for the much feared , Pa Beasty , you have let everybody down , upset your mother and worst of all let yourself down lecture...... oh the horror of it.
Do you know I never ratted on Beast major for this till I was in my twenties , and only then becuase he ratted me out for something i did when I was eight(taking a crap in Pa Beasties shoe and blaming it on the dog...he he it was hilarious at the time).
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