Monday, 21 May 2007

A STORMY NIGHT AHEAD



Oh No.

In a fit of pure Beasty glutony , I made a big saucepan of really thick fresh lentil soup , enough to feed about twenty.

I then ate it all.It was lush.!

I am now beached on the sofa like orka the obese.Apart from the terrible bloating there are some hidious gurglings and squelchings coming from my guts and it feels like something is squirming around down there .

I dont feel very well :-(

I fear a ghastly gastric incident my ensue , as I dont want to wake in the wee small hours with besplattered walls and some half digested vegetable horror dripping off the chandelier. I may have to sleep in the bath.

If someone would just volunteer to come round in the morning and hose me down all may yet be well .

***Belches discreetly and waddles off*****

32 comments:

Hammer said...

Top it off with some beer and you will be a weapon of mass destruction.

mind the gap said...

Why don't you sleep outside? When you wake up in the morning you will have a new pebbledashed facade to your house.

mutleythedog said...

At least you will not be bothered by women demanding sex hay? Thank heaven for small mercies...

First Nations said...

you weirdo. lentil soup????
i like mine with woostershishtershestershistershire sauce on it.

BEAST said...

Mr Hammer , make that lager and blackcurrant and you will also have a Jackson pollock.....

MTG...I dont have the time to mask off the windows , I may however have a pebbledashed bathroom.

Mr Mutley , they are always demanding sex , its constant , and a man in my condition , my animal magnetism is a curse I tell you.

FN there is nothing as fantastic as fresh made soup with crusty bread and propper butter (a pox on your margarines madam) , a dash of worchestershire sauce does indeed add a piquant high note.However eating twenty portions in one go is not advised , I think it was portions 19 and twenty that did it :-(

Lippy said...

Wasn't it a bit warm for soup last night???

Pink Drama said...

i told you not to eat those last two bowls. 18 servings were quite enough. i'm not cleaning the mess up.

BEAST said...

Lippy said...
Wasn't it a bit warm for soup last night???


not here it wasnt lippy , i was freezing , hence the warming soup spectacular

BEAST said...

Pink Drama said...
i told you not to eat those last two bowls. 18 servings were quite enough. i'm not cleaning the mess up.


Pinky sadly the Beasts eyes are bigger than his stomach (not by much).Sigh I will have to get the council in again

BEAST said...

ooooh did you see that the beast got the hang of HTML itallics tags.....I am just a god :-)

First Nations said...

you are indeed!
so...how did the night pass?


you see what i did there...? pass? meaning, did you, you know...with


yeah.

BEAST said...

FN , without major incident :-) there was no midnight sheet washings , the beasts cast iron guts won thru

jungle jane said...

Fuck, beastie. you could have gathered the splattery poo, put it in a pot and eaten it the following night. i am sure it would have looked just like the lentil soup, but mebbe a bit thicker?

Tickersoid said...

I love a good lentil blowout. Remember, you can never have enough white pepper.

BEAST said...

JJ I was thinking of serving it to some work chums as an interesting dip , dysentry dhal.....yum.

Tickers , indeed , gives a more thorough internal clean than CILLIT BANG STAIN AND DRAIN. I know i tried it.

Little Miss Moi said...

Dear beast. Ahh. Ain't lentils grand. I'm jealous.

mutleythedog said...

... and what about my car hey??!! No fall out ! Humph!!

BEAST said...

Lil miss , lentils are food of the gods altho Mr Mutley seems to have a lentil related complaint regarding the bismirching of the interior of his Triumph Toledo , typical response of the macho meat eating fascists , It would suprise me if he starts trying to oppress us pacifist vegetarians next.
**chews steak reflectivly**

First Nations said...

I wish you lived next door. Far enough away not to smell, near enough to visit and borrow things from.
You kick ass.

that is all.

Newforestandy said...

Here in the forest we are so glad that you didnt explode, we were ready to put an alert out, within the forest borders,in case of any Beast fallout.(It could be highly toxic and radioactive)

BEAST said...

Awww FN ta , you get used to the smell after a while :-)

Mr Newforestandy , its only predigested vegetable matter , beastly compost if you will , since when did a sweet innocent lentil harm anyone

Frobisher said...

Well, I can vouch for this post. Invited Beast for dinner last night, after he finished eating (in record time) his stomach made noises like a washing machine on spin-cycle! I had to turn the TV up!

Jenny! said...

Beans beans the musical fruit the more you eat them the more you toot!

Don't forget to roll yourself over every two hours to prevent bed sores!

Omega Mum said...

You have made me laugh a lot. And in our house of doom, that's a rarity. Particularly enjoyed placenta recipe - gosh - hope there was a vegetarian alternative (do carrots actually have placentas?)

jungle jane said...

*sneaks up to Beastie's dinner and sprinkles 4 laxatives all over it*

BEAST said...

*** spends night with nekkid ass pressed to JJ's letterbox****

BEAST said...

Yes Folks Frobisher left me rolling in agony on the floor !!!!

Jenny , rolling is not good , one false move , and it could be curtains (as in new curtains required , projectile diarhea is not pretty)

Omega Ma....aww thanks , if you liquidise carrots and mix with a little bisto , you have a rough placenta equivalent

Jenny! said...

Wow, really bad mental image!

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Oh shit, literally. The Lentils do expand before they process, don't they and I may be wrong but are they not high on the elements chart for Methane producing, omg run. Take a lighter with you, it may be amusing.

Ms Smack said...

Jesus you dolt, Lentils give you wind. I recently enjoyed a vegetarian lasagne at a friends house and by the time it was time to leave, my stomach was so bloated I felt like I was going to birth a sprog!

My car, let me tell you, was warm and cosy by the time I got home.

Avoid them at all costs.

Ms Smack said...

Alternative Recipe!

Roast a chicken. Pull half of the meat off for sandwiches. Stick it in your fridge.

With the other half, pull the meat off it, and stick it in a bit pot on the stove. Tip 4 ltrs of chicken stock over it, 2 tins of creamed corn, a finely cut carrot or two, diced onion, salt and pepper and let it simmer for bah 40 mins. You can stick the entire chicken carcass in there if you're happy to pick out the bones later.

Then, heat up a baguette in the oven, slice it and dip that in the soup.

Its delicious and won't make you fart.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

"I am now beached on the sofa like orka the obese"

Everything normal then?

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