Friday, 30 January 2009

APPALLING GENIUS



Paris Hilton's search for a British Best Friend Premiered last night on ITV2.

It was bad. So shockingly bad , it is almost art . I was transfixed from beginning to end as the almost skeletal Paris pouted her way thru a show that is basically The Apprentice for really really dumb people.

All the contestants were a bizarre shade of orange(a fake tan shade referred to scathingly as Essex Peach) , their pipe cleaner legs barely able to support the pile of greasy hair extensions heaped upon their heads.A good half of the contestants are feral, piggy eyed , grasping, fame seekers.The other half seemed to be a bit confused as to why they are there. One suspects the latter group have been included as cannon fodder for the fame seekers and will be picked off without mercy in the coming few weeks.

One hapless contestant was eliminated last night by a glacial and implacable Paris for having an almost complete mental breakdown after having her hair force ably cut to a style and length dictated by Paris's team of naff stylists.

To my surprise and shame , I thoroughly enjoyed the program , and am genuinely looking forward to the next episode.

Is there something wrong with me ????

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

DOUBLE TROUBLE

Well chaps we are in the grip of a double solar eclipse . The first one was yesterday . This is a harbinger of sudden and startling changes to your everyday life , work and relationships , a big old celestial tweak to your plums if you will . The cosmos will continue a twisting and a tweaking until the second eclipse on the 9th of February .
This just about describes my world at the moment , I feel right uptight and stressed out.
***does agitated dance***


As a result of this my blogging Fu has deserted me entirely.So I will be hiding behind the sofa chewing on a rubber band till inspiration or total disaster strikes
***places tin foil hat on head***
***tightens straight jacket straps with teeth***
Does anyone else think Madam Fu Fu looks HOT????
Huba Hubba

Saturday, 24 January 2009

CULTURE VULTURE



After a discussion with Mr Gorilla Banana's , it was decided that The Beast needed to expand his intellectual horizons beyond an unnatural interest in donuts ,pull my finger gags and 'artistic' photography .

As Mr B is busy observing and analysing the visitors to the jungle , he has kindly given the Beast a list of cultural experiences , with the vain hope that something may stick .

First up was Tate Modern , The Beast dutifully scampered along with wild expectations of studies of nudes and stuff . I have to say I was a little disappointed , the only nudes I saw all came from somewhere called cubist , gawd knows whats in their drinking water , but all their bits where a funny shape and in the wrong places , avoid at all cost if they are doing a cheap deal in the Thomson summer sun brochure.

I did however bump into a very perplexed Miss Scarlet looking intently at a massive canvas.

"Oh Mr Beastie , I am so glad its you"

"What does this painting look like to you ??" She cried plaintively and nearly knocked me over with the agitated heave of a bosom.

Well I looked at the picture , walked back , walked to the side to make sure I wasn't missing something and then told Miss Scarlet it looked like a big old pile of dis-embodied tits

" Ooooh I knew I was right and this silly program must be wrong ,' A telling statement on the human condition ' my foot" Squealed a delighted Miss S .

Now I must rush , a perfectly dreamy French Art student is meeting me in the Cafe for a Ti sane and is going to show me his etchings. Goodness how continental!!!

with an excited squeal and a wave , she was gone .

The Beast wandered around some more , and is of the opinion that modern art is a bit of a racket , after all a pile of bricks is all said and done a pile of bricks , and a blue square may be an anarchic juxta position of angles against the barbarity of the blank wall to some , but to the Beast it was a blue square.

I shall be spending the evening slapping purple emulsion on my butt and making 'A post apocalyptic statement on feminism' by sitting on a bit of blank a4.

Get your cheque book ready Mr Saatchi the Beast has discovered his muse

Thursday, 22 January 2009

MUCKING OUT



The Beast has been running about building stages at Cafe C , working late and moping about coughing and generally making a big old fuss . Consequently as the sorry state of my fruit bowl apptly demonstrates The Beasts Lair is a manky festering tip slightly untidy.

I shall be spending the evening replenishing provisions nekkid hoovering and flitting about with a duster manfully returning my home to its former opulent splendour.

Monday, 19 January 2009

SANDWICH



The Beast didn't have time for a propper lunch today , so I rushed along to the Deli Sandwich Bar(One of two Mr Frobisher) to get a made to order baguette .

For once the gods seemed to be smiling on me as there was a very small queue , and after doing a bit of maths to ensure I joined the queue at the right stage and get served by the Italian Grandmother , whose ovaries start twitching whenever she claps eyes on the Beast's sturdy frame and if I give her a bit of the old flannel I get a beautifully made sandwich , much grandmotherly clucking and whopping great portions .

However if you get it wrong , you end up with The Irish Witch , a thin lipped , sour faced hag , who hates the world , but especially hates me . I will end up with a mauled horror with very slim pickins indeed , and get over charged into the bargain.

Due to a queue malfunction and a nifty bit of footwork by the person in front , I ended up with The Irish Witch .My Brie, cucumber and tomatoe baguette , looked like it had been three rounds with Mike Tyson and tasted bizarely of pine fresh toilet cleaner.

I wonder if the Irish Witch enjoys her work ?

Whats your favourite sandwich

Friday, 16 January 2009

A NEW DAWN



Despite a hacking cough the Beast is almost fully recovered .

Just one more day of hanging around like a nasty smell recuperating and I may just do a proper post.

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

THE DREADED LURGY



Mixing with the filthy germ infested great unwashed has yet again been my downfall .

I caught a mild cold just before christmas but managed to fight that off in time for the festivities , but it did keep managing to make a slight comeback for a few days here and there , but there again the weather has been evilly cold . By the time I got to last weekend , as all around coughed , hacked and grumbled I was patting meself on the back having survived the worst of it.

Then WAMMO!!!!

Cough , nose running like a tap , high temperature and everything hurts EVEN MY TEETH.

Today I have been slouching about at home , wrapped up in a fleece blanket , groaning gently (Not that there is any bugger here to listen but one should make the effort).

What would you send by way of emergency aid to an ailing Beast ???

Saturday, 10 January 2009

THE ARSE END OF NOWHERE

A few years ago when I was a regular guest in the Swiss Hotel in Istanbul , I was upgraded to the executive tower for the week of my birthday (Which was very nice of them) . The rooms were designed for the hordes of japanese businessmen that scurried about and so were a little small but packed full of electronic gadgets . The most facinating was the lavatory. It had everything , it played music , had a heated seat and offered a whole cycle of washing and drying programs to pamper your tender parts. This was all acceseable from an armrest touchpad and detailed in 'International' symbols . Therefore if you wanted a bum wash and blow dry you would hit the international sign of the bottom followed by the windy sign , there was also a front bottom wash and buff , and what possibly was the international symbol for heamariod polishing .
My work chums and I spent a very happy evening , with a bottle of voddy and a few nibbles hitting the buttons and watching the show :-)
On a related topic , the Beast was perusing the lavatory tissue aisle in the local supermarket , when my eyes passed over the 'Moist' toilet tissues .
Now the Beast doesnt generally hold with such pampering , it smacks of ghastly 'continental' practices , and we all know where thats leads! .
Try capitulating in every damn world conflict for a start....however
I did spot one prominent package that was advertising 'New Watermelon Fragrance'
I ask the question , who on gods sweet earth wants their butt to smell of watermelons.
What would be your Butt fragrance of choice and why
If Miss MJ says Bananas she will be foceably ejected

Thursday, 8 January 2009

MORE T VICAR ???

Mr Eroswings has set us a task to post about favourite things beginning with T .
So her goes. I cant remember how many things I was supposed to add but your getting 6 so tough titty. The word I am handing on is G.
1.TALKING .
Oh the Beast loves to talk . There is nothing like the cut and thrust of good conversation. There is a whole universe of cracking one liners ,feints , parries and all that good stuff . Talk can be fast , slow , tender , pasionate ,interesting ,dull or invigorating . It has a lot in common with eating and sex.

2.TURGID .



This is the Beasts favourite onomatopoeic word. It means bloated , distended , swollen and flabby , can also be applied to the written word.
ie Beasts Turgid Prose



3.The TAJ MAHAL .
Beasts favourite Indian restaurant . Scrummy food and fantastic service , and I haven't been asked to leave YET.

4.TOAST.

mmmmmmmmmmmm
You just cant beat a bit of toast , spread with real butter (None of your margarine malarkey) and slathered in hot English mustard or marmalade.




5.TELEPHONE .
This incorporates talking I suppose , I love my phone , and I have to say it probably loves me(well who wouldn't).
6.TEA.
You can't beat afternoon tea of dainty little sandwiches with the crusts cut off , some cakes and a nice pot of Earl Grey or a high tea of steaming crumpets and scrambled eggs .
Ma Beastly makes a smashing high tea , that's shoe horned inbetween lunch and dinner , just in case you are suddenly struck down by lightning starvation and wouldn't have the energy to make it to dress for dinner.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

STUPID QUESTION


Forget getting all of a fangle with your chromosones.
Check the content of the jeans first !
(GEDITTTTT ????!??)
I am so funny its almost criminal




Friday, 2 January 2009

OBJECTS OF DESIRE

Beastbites is starting a new service for all its readers .
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Lose those Christmas inches with these fantastic if slightly smelly Sauna Hot Pants (every pair personally tested by Old Knudsen)




It is often said the family that slays together , stays together



Many of Beastbites regular readers have obviously already discovered the magical powers of Ovaltine , as some of them are more gay before 9 am than many manage all day - discover the secret for yourself







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Work surfaces that dominate any kitchen









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Letting Beastbite Personal Shopper take the strain gives you more time to relax and enjoy a meal in Dorchesters Premier eating establishment
CAFE C (Putting the c*nt in country cooking)








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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO