Tuesday, 30 December 2008

KNOBS AND KNOCKERS




Miss Scarlet relaxing in her palatial home














Miss Scarlet has a new back door . As Beast is the south coasts leading Fashion Icon and Style Guru (Who can forget the Beasts signature stylish MANBAG ) . I have been commissioned to apply my 'Door furniture zeitgeist' and submit suggestions for Miss Scarlets Ornamental Doorknob.
Rumours abound that Miss Scarlets palatial pied a terre features acres of white shag pile , the occasional chaise longue and a multitude of Doric columns , and the general hedonistic ambiance that leads one to consider re enacting the fall and rise of the Roman Empire before tea.
However all is not well at the House of the Beast , My Assistant Miss MJ (a surly strumpet who spends all day painting her nails and begrudgingly makes the occaional cup of dreadful coffee)seems to have been tinkering with my browser settings and I only seem to be able to retrieve images of a most peculiar nature .
I trust Miss Scarlet will find something fitting in my restricted selections
The Recommended designs
1.The Morning Glory.










2.Greeting The Dawn
















3.Black Beauty








4.Gripper





Saturday, 27 December 2008

THE GIFT HORSES BUTT



They say you should never look a gift horse in the mouth . With the Beasts current crop of gift disasters you would definitely be peering down the wrong end.

The Beast's present pultrichude started early this year with Mr C's pre xmas birthday , Karen Carpenter would have had problems squeezing into the supposedly Extra Large Gstar and Bench Tshirts .

The Pucci Doggy hoody I bought permanently chilly Lloyd didn't fit and the chews I bought Alfie left Mr C mopping up a huge pool of doggy diarrhoea from his lounge carpet as Xmas morn dawned.... As you can imagine the Beast is none too popular in Dorchester this festive season :-(

The tedious educational eco friendly sustainably farmed wooden toy I ordered for my niece (On the strict orders of her uptight vegetarian mother) . came ready wrapped , much to my relief as I had had enough of gift wrapping by this stage. However when the little brat ripped aside the wrapping .It turned out to be a dispatching error piece of plastic shite called Bubble Butt . when you switched this monstrosity on , it dropped its pants and farted bubbles from its sphincter. You can only imagine the baleful matriarchal glare this invoked, you would of thought I had been plying the little angel with whisky and teaching her filthy limericks .

The Cigarette lighter and combined watch for Beast minor exploded and badly singed the sofa .

The ill fitting lid of Ma Beasties JAmie Oliver Flavour shaker , flew off , the ingredient crushing ball flew out , cracking one of Pa Beasties expensive dental crowns and shattered the kitchen light.

We shall gloss over the dreadful stench that filled the house from the 'Toasty Toes' microwaveable slippers .

If I manage to make it to Next Year without getting lynched every bugger is getting cash !

Monday, 22 December 2008

HAPPY CHRISTMAS



The Beast would like to wish you all a Very Happy Christmas.








May you get everything your filthy little hearts desire

Saturday, 20 December 2008

ASSISTANCE REQUIRED





With Yuletide fast approaching The Beast Needs a little domestic help .
for some reason I have a great deal of difficulty peeling that Christmas classic the majestic clementine .
I am led to believe that certain young ladies have the ability to perform this bothersome task without using their hands .
I have already 'interviewed' a couple of prospects for the post of Beasts little helper , but sadly they only resulted in bruised fruit and a trip to accident and emergency
































I dont suppose I will be any more succesful with the vacant post of 'Nutcracker' .

Monday, 15 December 2008

ALL WASHED UP




Beast will be out of circulation for the next 3 days , in addition to my day job I have three evenings of festive pot wash/Kitchen Bitchery at Cafe C .

This means I leave for work at 7.30 am run off at 5 for the hour long commute to Dorchester for 5 hours of kitchen hell ,then stagger back home for about midnight.
Following an all too brief respite wrapped in the gossamer caress of the fragrant duvet it starts all over again





Beast advocates the ancient art of 'full contact' dish washing !

Saturday, 13 December 2008

BEASTIES BOOK CLUB - CHRISTMAS CRACKER EDITION



The title of this turgid potboiler says it all . Pages of diminutive porn that can be enjoyed by all the family















Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a bit of girl on girl action. Add a whole new meaning to pulling a cracker










The cover art may be a tad gender confused , but a rollicking tale of testicles , lube and international intrigue ****








The perfect gift for anyone who enjoys shopping (or you don't particularly like).
An exciting** , well paced thriller ** , that will keep you reading well into the wee small hours ***












This book is just what you need as the whole family lounges about digesting your Christmas Feast . Introduce them to the joys of the Christmas Cheek Flap , A Yuletide yap or a Festive Follow thru . Hours of digestive family fun






















A thrilling adventure for Boys .Young Jimmy gets more than he bargained for and discovers the true meaning of 'wood'







*Thats a lie
**oops theres another one
***Dont be ridiculous
****Blimey ANOTHER lie

Monday, 8 December 2008

BEASTIE FEELS THE LOVE




Imagine my surprise to receive an email from a psychologist(who wishes to remain anonymous) , who reads plenty of blogs looking for research topics/material .
She was very interested in the phenomenon of my bed/bedding that is proliferating across the blogsphere .
She opines and I quote
" your 'stinky duvet', in their minds has become a libidinal object, which 'they' have formed 'object relations' with . This is directly related to their need to display love towards you - the owner of the stinky duvet. They are investing their libidos within the duvet".

If that wasn't bad enough , it just gets worse
***hands out wet wipes***

"Freudian in origin... 'they' all talk about it because subconsciously they want to experience it , and would willingly do so. Classic Text-book case of suppressed/conflicted desire "


A blatant case of Blonking * and you 'all just got caught with your hands down your knickers :-)


*that's 'Blog Wanking' , a term I just invented

GLUM


Everything is changing , I seemingly have no control over any of it.
So the Beast is stymied , Grumpy and wants to hit stuff (and a few of his friends).
Be back shortly when the dust has settled.

Friday, 5 December 2008

MJ'S REVENGE - RETURN OF THE MANFLU



Finally the Beast has had to admit defeat and spend the day "Working from Home".

Why the quotes you may ask , thats because there wont be much "working" going on

I FEEL LIKE CRAP !

Taking to heart the ancient wisdom of feeding a cold I am already two bacon and fried egg rolls into my 'treatment' . I fully intend to iether expire from pnuemonia or burst from over eating before the day is out.

If anyone wants me I will be munching like a caterpillar (and thats not a euphemism) under my duvet

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

STUFFING THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY AT CAFE C





















Beast dragged himself from his sick bed to toddle along to Dorchester's Christmas Cracker event.

Despite freezing temperatures Dorchester was packed to the gunels with a merry throng of Late night shoppers and chritsmas revellers. I have included some crap pictures (Snapped on my mobile) of Cafe C's lighting rig which included a smoke machine that sent choking clouds into the streets(St Johns Ambulance crews were on hand to recusitate the asthmatics) and Lasers(epilectics dropping like flies) and stuff . There was an awesome twin speaker stack that nearly blasted the stained glass from the ancient church across the street and Mr C's very own Cafe C Belly Dancing troupe (YES BELLY DANCERS) that thrilled the drunken masses















MANFLU



You know what , having MANFLU when you live on you own is a bore .

One of lifes simple pleasures, when you come down with a minor cold , is to share the joy by making your partner or housemates life a pure living hell.

You have carte blanche to mope about , snorting and whimpering , constantly requesting hot drinks and food in a feeble voice .Refusing to do any chores you don't fancy as 'you dont feel well enough' . Hogging the duvet , the TV remote and generally threatening to expire at any moment if you don't get your own way . You can usually spin this out for about 3 days until its plainly obvious the symptons have gone or your partner cracks and beats you to death with the Dyson .

When you live on your own , you have to do your Lord Nelson deathbed re enactments by phone or email ......it just don't work . They just say things like GO TO BED THEN !

Or OH DEAR WE WILL SEE YOU WHEN YOUR BETTER!!

Or even worse try and upstage you with a list of their own bloody ailments

BASTARDS

***collapses in cloud of VICKS VAPORUB ***

Monday, 1 December 2008

THE LEGENDARY SMOKED SALMON THINGIES







Here we go .A simple but 'dead sophisticated' appetizer . Ideal for serving with drinks or add dash of panache instead of your usual pork scratchings and a packed of crisps while you slob in front of the TV in your brushed nylon house coat and curlers.


Ingredients



Sliced bread (Something nice and soft , I used a best of both medium sliced)



Smoked salmon



Cream cheese (Whatever fat percentage you prefer)



Horseradish cream (optional)



Method:



1.Cut the crusts off a slice of bread



2.Spread with cream cheese (Not too thick)



3.Slap a bit of smoked salmon on the top (You don't need loads) and spread a little horseradish on to taste



4.Roll the slice of bread (Obviously with the cream cheese and salmon on the inside) Swiss roll styleee



5.Using a sharp or serrated knife cut slices off the roll about half an inch thick (You need to do this gently so it doesn't squash the roll).



6.Arrange slices on a plate (bedoileed if you must).



7.repeat until you have enough little rolls for your guests to nibble on or to satiate your evenings guzzlings



Yes OK its just a bite sized cream cheese and smoked salmon sandwich , but it looks so good in all its tempting swirliness



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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO