Friday, 29 August 2008

BEAST LEARNS TO DO THE SPLITS



Beast has been a busy boy , the usual grind of the day job , and an emergency dash to Cafe C for a kitchen Bitch shift (Frobisher being unavailable as he was having a back, crack and sack wax in readiness for his Spanish Holiday - is anyone else having visions of plucked chickens ??? ) .
Beast bussled into Cafe C , a little dynamo of energy and bonhomie, and promptly skated the full length of the kitchen ending up in a heap half in the sink . A startled and stressed Mr C having just slopped a load of cooking oil on the floor .
After getting a lecture for attention seeking gymnastics and being late , and the restaurant being full of eager diners , gagging for a portion of Mr C's grub , we didn't have any time to do anything about the oil and had to commence service , skating around like Torville and fecking Dean . It was so bad by the sink I had to tie my shoe laces together while I was tackling the huge mound of washing up , as one false move and I would do a sudden and gusset bursting fit of the splits .....Mr C was not amused by all this 'Norman Wisdom' slapstick as the constant muscle tearing induced screams of agony and shattering crockery was spoiling the ambiance for the diners





Beast and polish waitress Gruchenka prepare the order for table 6







My kitchen performance is obviously improving. I only got told off once as my salad garnish was not 'Glamorous' enough for evening service.
Mr C was expecting the salad equivalent of Big Saturday Night Out Hair









Sadly the Beast's first attempt was found wanting............

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

BBQ BEAST ****updated***



Oh Yes its a rare picture of Miss MJ's bike

























As we all know BBQ tends to be an Alpha male thing , and many are rubbish at it , you gotta keep the food circulating from hot to medium parts of the grill so they cook properly and dont burn and dry out.

Vegetarian BBQ is just plain nasty and should be outlawed . You are what you eat ,so they say , therefore its no suprise vegetarians are generally withered and miserable :-)

A useful trick if you have a lot of people round is part cook things like sausages and ribs in the oven and finish them off on the BBQ , you can knock out far more food in a shorter amount of time that is

a. Edible

b.Wont kill the old/weak of your friends and family.Natural selection is cool but best leave it to nature.

The only other tip I would give is dont buy simple to make salad dressing's as the manufacturers have a knack of over flavouring and manage to produce something quiet vile . How difficult is it to make a subtle and savoury oil, vinegar and herb dressing rather than the foul toxic glultinous crap on offer in the supermarkets .

For the unadventurous or pressed for time Premade mayonaise is a perfectly serviceable product , but make your own and there is a world of difference in taste.

One doesnt need to yet again sing the praises of any form of Salad Cream bottled or fresh.........Miss MJ tells me its better than sex (some would say she isn't doing it right , but who are we to criticise )

Friday, 22 August 2008

YET ANOTHER WEAK GAG ABOUT HAVING A DRAG ON A FAG



Ok not that sort of drag or fag , but this book looks well exciting anyway *








Its been two weeks without a cigarette and its going rather well . No really dreadfull side effects and the Champix seems to be living up to its promise in that the nicotine cravings are very lowkey and easy to ignore.
My tastebuds are however going a bit funny , everything has a fishy taste at the moment ** and I seem to be sleeping a lot *** Obviously its going to take a few weeks to get into the not smoking groove , but its looking good**** .




But the rest of you .....go on put a smile in your smokin














&
&

* Actually It looks utter shite - who on earth writes/reads this drivel
** I can confirm in case anyone was wondering , fishy cake is not very nice
***Ok not that much , I am not in danger of getting bedsores .
****Just like me :-)

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

A SIMPLE ENOUGH REQUEST


It shouldn't have been difficult.
Mr C regally issued orders for Beast to go to the vet's surgery round the corner from my house and get flea and worm stuff for Alfie.
I bumbled in there and was faced with a real sour faced witch of a receptionist.

I need the usual flea and worm stuff for my dog requests Beast with a winning smile
DOGS NAME she snapped (eyeing me suspiciously)
Alfie Cuntt I responded chirpily (receptionist looks like she just smelled a ripe turd)
ADDRESS she barks
Beast gives address
Alfie not registered under Beasts Address
Tries Mr C's Parents address down the road
Alfie not registered under parental C address
At this point the receptionist gives a flustered Beast a lecture about the flea stuff being a prescription drug not just given out to all and sundry(the strong subtext being .especially deranged lying junkies like meself with imaginary dogs , who was obviously going straight out to snort the stuff behind the dumpster) , as she puffed up like some venomous toad and edged towards the panic button.



Luckily Mrs Schrodinger from no 3 stumbled in at this point with her cat*.Beast took advantage of the diversion and scarpered.
In reality Beast blustered a bit under the gaze of the harridan , futilely trying to explain why I didn't know where my dog lived or whether it had been to this vets in the last 6 months ..... then I scarpered.

Mr C eventually phoned the vet's and blagged it , so I can apparently attempt to go and pick up the stuff today..............unless.......... ITS A TRAP



Heroic Beast , innocent fugitive from justice , makes a trip to the corner shop for some biscuits.




* Oh yes its a quantum Physics joke

Sunday, 17 August 2008

L'EAU DE FROBISHER


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Feeling somewhat parched from a long walk along the Dorset Cliff path , I stumbled into a cafe with a mouth as dry as Gandhi's flip flop , and demanded instant liquid sustenance.
Imagine my surprise to be presented with 'Frobisher in a bottle' or more accurately , Frobisher's squeezed BUMberries.
Full marks to Mr F for exploiting his hanging haemorrhoid's as a natural resource ripe for the harvest ,
However , the Beast was less than impressed I don't know whether it was the glutinous , blood red liquid that flopped out of the bottle , or the slightly sulphurous odour that put me off :-( . Do you think Frobisher's Gusset Goo would have been a better choice ???

Thursday, 14 August 2008

EXCITED



This is a picture of the lovely Boscombe Beach , site of the first artificial surfing reef in the Northern hemisphere , due for completion just in time for the Beast's two week vacation in September.







They construct the reef from 100 ft sandbags 245 metres off shore . So far it has cost 3m quid and taken about 12 years of committee meetings , but at last its is nearly ready . I am sure that come the first winter storm , the reef will end up in Boscombe High street :-)

















Bournemouth council are hoping this will bring a veneer of surfer glamour to Boscombe , one of Bournemouths more run down and chavy suburbs .

Winner of this years 'Miss Bountifull Boscombe' crown , Ms Caress Scrubb is hoping it will lead to a 'Baywatch' style boost to her burgeoning career as an airship errrm plus size model




One can imagine it will lead to a proliferation of all manner of exciting outdoor sports.


Beast will be squeezing into a shorty wetty and spending my two weeks paddling about in the rolling surf , fighting off impertinent advances from the Japanese Whaling fleet and nimbly avoiding molestation by the hordes of killer jellyfish the tabloids insist are massing off the beaches.

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

BEFUDLED



The Beast is having concentration issues at present.

I start something and wander off in the mi

Monday, 11 August 2008

YAY

THREE WHOLE DAYS OFF THE FAGS



Not these fags

you fools














These ones





Whose a clever boy then :-)

Friday, 8 August 2008

CANNON FODDER

The Beast has found his Niche in life.
Cannon Fodder.
Let me explain . For those of you who have never worked in a commercial kitchen , it is a high pressure environment , when service kicks off its two hours of pandemonium presided over by 'The Talent' .
The Talent's every whim is serviced by The Minions.

Now Cafe C is a small establishment so is a microcosm of a larger kitchen.When The Beast is summoned to do a shift , I am under no allusions that Mr C and his assistant chef are The Talent and the Minor Talent and I am The Minions.
Now at least twice during a busy service The Talent feel the need to have a Great Big Pressure Relieving Diva Tantrum.
The natural conclusion of a GBPRDT is someone has to be thrown out of the kitchen . In a larger establishment ,of course you have a choice of hapless minions to take the bullet for the greater good , (its obviously bad practice to give the minor talent the red card in the middle of service) , therefore in Cafe C , the fickle finger of fate is pointing squarely at the Beast.
Its always the Beast that has to take the walk of shame and don the proverbial dunces cap.
'BEAST YOUR DOING MY HEAD IN GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN'
***Beast heaves a sigh and totters off***
***waits ten minutes***
***Totters back , carries on with washing up and waits for the next time*** .
Of course If I completely misunderstood my role , I could get on my high horse , bluster away pointlessly proclaiming my obvious innocence and cause a kitchen meltdown , but I accept my fate of staggering out , with the accumulated weight of the sins committed against The Talent's insistence for efficiency , style and perfection and provide closure.
As the Catholic Church discovered centuries ago , when the going gets tough , publically persocuting the innocent puts a smile on everyones face.Thank the lord Public Boiling has been outlawed or tomorrows soup of the day could have been Beast Broth.

On another note, Miss MJ's Knit Yourself a Girlfriend challenge has gone horribly wrong ! Do you think it will shrink if I boil wash it ???

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

DOUBLE FEATURE


The Beast being a fan of the performing arts likes nothing better than settling down for an evening of culture and marvelling at a performer with ENORMOUS talent.A double bill of Miss Chesty Morgans big n bouncy brand of method acting is just the ticket.
Miss Morgan manages to steer her 73" whoppers through 'Deadly Weapons'(gedditttt???) and Double Agent 73 (GEDDITTTTT???) without knocking anything over and even manages to deliver lines.
What are your top nominations for Beastbite film of the year ?

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO