Friday, 8 August 2008

CANNON FODDER

The Beast has found his Niche in life.
Cannon Fodder.
Let me explain . For those of you who have never worked in a commercial kitchen , it is a high pressure environment , when service kicks off its two hours of pandemonium presided over by 'The Talent' .
The Talent's every whim is serviced by The Minions.

Now Cafe C is a small establishment so is a microcosm of a larger kitchen.When The Beast is summoned to do a shift , I am under no allusions that Mr C and his assistant chef are The Talent and the Minor Talent and I am The Minions.
Now at least twice during a busy service The Talent feel the need to have a Great Big Pressure Relieving Diva Tantrum.
The natural conclusion of a GBPRDT is someone has to be thrown out of the kitchen . In a larger establishment ,of course you have a choice of hapless minions to take the bullet for the greater good , (its obviously bad practice to give the minor talent the red card in the middle of service) , therefore in Cafe C , the fickle finger of fate is pointing squarely at the Beast.
Its always the Beast that has to take the walk of shame and don the proverbial dunces cap.
'BEAST YOUR DOING MY HEAD IN GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN'
***Beast heaves a sigh and totters off***
***waits ten minutes***
***Totters back , carries on with washing up and waits for the next time*** .
Of course If I completely misunderstood my role , I could get on my high horse , bluster away pointlessly proclaiming my obvious innocence and cause a kitchen meltdown , but I accept my fate of staggering out , with the accumulated weight of the sins committed against The Talent's insistence for efficiency , style and perfection and provide closure.
As the Catholic Church discovered centuries ago , when the going gets tough , publically persocuting the innocent puts a smile on everyones face.Thank the lord Public Boiling has been outlawed or tomorrows soup of the day could have been Beast Broth.

On another note, Miss MJ's Knit Yourself a Girlfriend challenge has gone horribly wrong ! Do you think it will shrink if I boil wash it ???

43 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

How about putting a book inside your pants and letting them cane you? Whenever they start ranting just bend over and take it like a fag at Eton. You could even let the diners watch - I bet you'd be packed if you did that.

BEAST said...

Good Idea Mr B , I shall mention it to Mr C when his is in a more relaxed mood

MJ said...

I'm booking my flight now to attend the "Beast Taking it Like a Fag at Eton" event.

What's for pudding?

MJ said...

On another note, if you boil wash your knitted girlfriend, her bits will be resized to better fit YOUR bits.

INNER VOICES said...

mj has some bits posted today that when boiled would feed the masses....

BEAST said...

MJ said...
I'm booking my flight now to attend the "Beast Taking it Like a Fag at Eton" event.
Could be worse , Taking it like a fag at Elton's'

What's for pudding?
SPOTTED DICK

MJ said...
On another note, if you boil wash your knitted girlfriend, her bits will be resized to better fit YOUR bits.
Oh No do you mean she is going to STRETCH

BEAST said...

INNER VOICES said...
mj has some bits posted today that when boiled would feed the masses....
I certainly wont be eating liver for a while

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Whereas I just won't be eating. Anything.

Poor Beast putting up with Mr C's rantings. Still, at least you know your place. Just think, without you, how would all those little, mundane, necessary things get done?

BEAST said...

Inexplicable DeVice said...
Whereas I just won't be eating. Anything.

Poor Beast putting up with Mr C's rantings. Still, at least you know your place. Just think, without you, how would all those little, mundane, necessary things get done?
There are plenty of willing eastern europeans Mr I :-)

MJ said...

I think I liked it better here when you couldn't comment.

*recoils from plate of spotted dick*

Anonymous said...

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH , I HAD TO KIK TOO FAKE CUNTTING POSH PLASTIC TREE HUGING CUNTS OUT TONIGHT,, THEY SAID CUNTMERS ARE ALWAYS RIGHT I PUT THEM STRAIGHT ON THAT ONE .. NOT IN CAFE CUNT YOUR NOT DEAR HERES THE BILL AND GET THE FUCK OUT .... IM SATT HERE WITH MY HIPPIE STIKS BURNING TRYING TO RELAX,, PUBILC SUCK CUNTS,,, I LOVE YOU FN.. XXXXXXXX BEAST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY KITCHIN :)

Anonymous said...

OH AND TO TOP IT OFF MY CLEANER I SAKED HAS THREATENED TO KILL MW.. FUCKING RUSSIAN CUNTS... ITS AWFUL BEING ME LOL :)

INNER VOICES said...

hey mj, that anon poster sure likes to use very tall letters!

BEAST said...

MJ said...
I think I liked it better here when you couldn't comment.

*recoils from plate of spotted dick*
How dare you I imported IVD's celebrated 'spotted dick' at enormous cost , for you delectation and delight

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH , I HAD TO KIK TOO FAKE CUNTTING POSH PLASTIC TREE HUGING CUNTS OUT TONIGHT,, THEY SAID CUNTMERS ARE ALWAYS RIGHT I PUT THEM STRAIGHT ON THAT ONE .. NOT IN CAFE CUNT YOUR NOT DEAR HERES THE BILL AND GET THE FUCK OUT .... IM SATT HERE WITH MY HIPPIE STIKS BURNING TRYING TO RELAX,, PUBILC SUCK CUNTS,,, I LOVE YOU FN.. XXXXXXXX BEAST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY KITCHIN :)
The healing power of throwing Beast out of places , works its majic again. If only I could bottle it

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
OH AND TO TOP IT OFF MY CLEANER I SAKED HAS THREATENED TO KILL MW.. FUCKING RUSSIAN CUNTS... ITS AWFUL BEING ME LOL :)
She can wait her bloody turn
***greases beartrap****

BEAST said...

INNER VOICES said...
hey mj, that anon poster sure likes to use very tall letters!
Mr I allow me to introduce anon , it is non other than restauranteur and runner up for Dorset Dogger of the Year
Mr C
****ragged cheer from assorted yokels***

Daisy said...

aww beastie...you can come to my kitchen and have your way with it...i won't complain...i promise ;)

MJ said...

Why didn't Mr C win first place in the dogging competition?

Like Daisy said, you can come to my kitchen anytime too.

But you'll have to wear this frilly pinny.

Thankfully, Mr. C has accustomed you to taking orders.

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
aww beastie...you can come to my kitchen and have your way with it...i won't complain...i promise ;)
Go on Daisy throw me out. You will feel much better :-)

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Why didn't Mr C win first place in the dogging competition?
Lack of technical ability or artistic content....who knows Miss MJ

Like Daisy said, you can come to my kitchen anytime too.

But you'll have to wear this frilly pinny.

Thankfully, Mr. C has accustomed you to taking orders.
Actually the Beast is not good at taking orders , I rather just get on with what has to be done . I leave the dramatics to others

Daisy said...

never beast...and i even enjoy cleaning up after...so you can truly have your way in my kitchen

FirstNations said...

I really like the cut of GB's jib there. hell yes, grab a chalk and a birch and lets play 'Beasts public school daze' at Cafe C!!!! *fanning self briskly with hankie*

FirstNations said...

...ps Mr C I am WARM for your FORM me+C!!!!!

eroswings said...

Well, at least they don't throw kitchen utensils at you...

Perhaps your doctor can give you some Xanax to slip into Talent's drink...or on those annoying customers' food.

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
never beast...and i even enjoy cleaning up after...so you can truly have your way in my kitchen
Daisy ! You minx

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
I really like the cut of GB's jib there. hell yes, grab a chalk and a birch and lets play 'Beasts public school daze' at Cafe C!!!! *fanning self briskly with hankie*
but I didnt go to public school

FirstNations said...
...ps Mr C I am WARM for your FORM me+C!!!!!
WARM for your FORM indeed

BEAST said...

eroswings said...
Well, at least they don't throw kitchen utensils at you...
I have a habt of throwing back
Perhaps your doctor can give you some Xanax to slip into Talent's drink...or on those annoying customers' food.
You need that tension to keep things on track Mr E , if you doped the talent it could all go horribly wrong

Daisy said...

:)

Frobisher said...

*polishes the odd glass*

*chats to good looking customers*

*frets about what CD to play next*

*pops out again for a ciggy and a laugh with one of the waitresses*

BEAST said...

Frobisher said...
*polishes the odd glass*

*chats to good looking customers*

*frets about what CD to play next*

*pops out again for a ciggy and a laugh with one of the waitresses*
Its a charmed life you lead Mr F

CyberPete said...

That line of work is not for sissies! I learned that on my first and only night of dishwashing duty being the only one doing dishes for a local hotel.

I could never do that, ever again!

MJ said...

Oh look.

The little Danish poofter is here.

BEAST said...

CyberPete said...
That line of work is not for sissies! I learned that on my first and only night of dishwashing duty being the only one doing dishes for a local hotel.

I could never do that, ever again!
Imagines Cyberpoof in his pinny and pink fur trimmed rubber gloves

Newforestandy said...

I am SOOOOOOOO glad you get to do the washing up, I always thought you were a right scrubber! Are you learning how to cook microwave meals whilst doing your shift?

BEAST said...

Newforestandy said...
I am SOOOOOOOO glad you get to do the washing up, I always thought you were a right scrubber! Are you learning how to cook microwave meals whilst doing your shift?
Good heavens , Its the woad besplattered Mr New Forest Mandy , crept from the forest to communicate with us town folk . I am a very good scrubber Mr NFA and I am still not allowed near the food for obvious reasons

CyberPete said...

Does that thought excite you?

if only!

I was not given gloves. It was disgusting and I have a touching other peoples leftover food phobia

BEAST said...

CyberPete said...
Does that thought excite you?

if only!

I was not given gloves. It was disgusting and I have a touching other peoples leftover food phobia

I dont find rubber gloves and pinnies very exciting I must admit.But I am sure you look very cute in them :-)

MJ said...

Are you flirting with CyberPoof?

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Are you flirting with CyberPoof?
Is that what passes for flirting in Canada Miss MJ??

mutleythedog said...

Dont take any of it .. I have worked with chefs and whatnot for years and they are dumb cunts...

Letty Cruz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Letty Cruz said...

My brother loves cooking, so much that in high school he gave serious consideration to our local community college's hotel-sponsored cooking program.

But a subsequent summer break job as a short-order cook at the Hyatt -- a.k.a. Hell's -- kitchen, turned him forever on his much more profitable and less murder-inspiring occupation as a multi-certified mechanic.

Seriously, he was thisclose to shoving a particularly screechy 5-foot waiter's face in a boiling lobster pot.

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