Sunday, 18 May 2008

KNACKERED


Thats Beasties Birthday Bonanza Weekend with the Beast clan over for another year.
I am knackered , sadly not by excessive partying. I had a three hour drive on Saturday morning to meet Ma and Pa Beastie at The Shopping heaven outlet village , to shop till we dropped and a little light lunch.
Then another hours drive to the Beasts Familly home to meet up with Beast Minor and familly and run about , more eating then out for dinner and a few drinks.
Sunday up early and drive with Ma and Pa Beasty for four hours to older brother Beast Major and familly. Ma Beasty talked solidly for the four hour journey .
If I didnt know about Mrs Jacobs at number 26 , and her troublesome lady parts and all its messy complications before we started I SURE DO NOW.
When we got to the bit where her vulva prolapse I nearly sideswiped a lorry (throws salt beef sandwich out of window)
I also know all about the mystery of the pink curtains at no 14.
Who did what to whom in Coxes lane
Exactly what Ma Beasty thinks about conifers
The trouble with the French
and a recipe for Gnochi a la Romaine
There was plenty more besides but I am afraid my brain had shut down due to auditory overload and some frankly shocking and revolting details
Anyways , we went for a very nice lunch , dossed about in the garden playing boules and gassing all afternoon, and then I had to drive for 2 hours back home .
So thats it , I am off to twitch , mutter and scratch under my duvet

30 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I think the Beast family should move into one big house to avoid all these long journeys. It would be like The Waltons and everyone could have a go at fixing the neighbour's broken vulva.

MJ said...

Ooooo...this is better than Coronation Street.

Do go on.

FirstNations said...

why is it that women hit a certain age and WHAMMO the topic is everyone elses' watoosie forevermore? i dont want to know these things! nobody wants to know these things!
i feel your pain, my darling. i grew up with women like this, only religious...which for some reason meant that they talked about it EVEN MORE.
otherwise it sounds like you had a lovely time! is boules dangerous? are there firearms involved? is a live goat tied to a tree in a clearing at any time during the proceedings? is there fire?

MJ said...

Nothing's ever prolapsed on me.

Maybe you'd like to hear about my Satanic menstrual cramps?

Pink Drama said...

happy birthday, beast. i'd offer to give you the birthday spanking for good luck but i'm afraid you'd enjoy it too much and besides, mj has already beaten me to the punch, i'm sure.

at least you don't have to see these people all the time. that would probably put you in a mental hospital. depending upon the drugs, that might not be too bad.

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
I think the Beast family should move into one big house to avoid all these long journeys. It would be like The Waltons and everyone could have a go at fixing the neighbour's broken vulva
Mr Bananas That would be a recipe for insanity , Three hours drive away is close enough :-)

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Ooooo...this is better than Coronation Street.

Do go on.

I am worn out Miss MJ , there is only so much frollicking with the Beasties a body can take

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
why is it that women hit a certain age and WHAMMO the topic is everyone elses' watoosie forevermore? i dont want to know these things! nobody wants to know these things!
i feel your pain, my darling. i grew up with women like this, only religious...which for some reason meant that they talked about it EVEN MORE.
otherwise it sounds like you had a lovely time! is boules dangerous? are there firearms involved? is a live goat tied to a tree in a clearing at any time during the proceedings? is there fire?


Miss FN Boule is a nasty French game involving lobbing canonball weight and sized metal 'boule' about and try and hit the 'piggy' which is sadly a little wooden ball not our very own bottom baring Barnsley poof . That would certainly be more fun

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Nothing's ever prolapsed on me.

Maybe you'd like to hear about my Satanic menstrual cramps?


Make sure you always have a plastic carrier bag with you Miss MJ. If anything prolapses you can load it in the bag and totter off to the emergency room without unsiteley leakage

BEAST said...

Pink Drama said...
happy birthday, beast. i'd offer to give you the birthday spanking for good luck but i'm afraid you'd enjoy it too much and besides, mj has already beaten me to the punch, i'm sure.

at least you don't have to see these people all the time. that would probably put you in a mental hospital. depending upon the drugs, that might not be too bad.

Miss Pinky , with the advent of windows live messenger they are lurking out their on the interweb , just waiting for me everytime I log on . It is not actually my birthday until tomorrow , but there will be no spanking.....I dont quite see the pleasure some get from it . To my mind , if someone hits me , I will hit them back.......only harder :-)

Daisy said...

happy birthday beast!! just think at least you didn't have an aunt squeezing your cheeks telling you how cute you are...or another trying to fix you up with this "really nice minded girl down the street" who is really bigfoot...it could have been worse my darling beast...glad you survived it all...btw i love gnocchi...hint hint...:)

BEAST said...

Thank you Daisy . Bare in mind this is Ma Beasties Gnochi recipe , It may be a trap for her hapless offspring

Donn said...

Classic KMN! moment..
(Kill Me Now)

I had to 'look up' Prolapsia on Vulvapedia..
apparently there is no obvious connection with being a Pro or Lap dancing.

It's nice to see that you folks in the Motherland can still drive for a couple of hours..wait...
in my Province (is flattttttt as a pancake) nothing but bald Prairies for the 100kms South to the USA..and straight as an arrow so we can usually go about 120KMs/hr in our gas guzzling 7 passenger 2 ton Vans....

how far can you actually travel in 2 hours?

BEAST said...

Donn , you can get away with driving about 80 - 90 mph on the motorways without getting knicked here so about 160 miles in two hours. If your on country roads about 60 miles

MJ said...

Email alert! Email alert!

FirstNations said...

*looks around wildly, loads pistol*
where!? where? wheres the email? Ill kill the commie bastid!

So it takes you 2 hours to go 60 miles? not if you're travelling at 80-90 mph it shouldnt. do you pick up a lot of hitchhikers? I saw a movie like that one time, and the guy picked up this one chick and she asked him if he liked spankings, and he said well no, I've never done that, so she told him to go stop at the next wayside, and he did? and they got out and went into the woods, and she made him bend over this stump and pull his pants down, but see, there was this big guy that was hiding in the woods, though, and he saw this and came running out and just as she was taking off her top and she didn't have any thing on underneath it and he saw her BOOBS? and then the guy *blithers on and on while everyone else goes shopping*

BEAST said...

EEEK INCOMING
****hides behind sofa with colander on head****


Miss FN it takes two hours to do 60 miles if your on the little country roads as you average about 30 miles an hour ....however if you on the motorway , i bomb along at 80- 90.
I have never pickup hitch hikers. The freeloading hippies can feck off and walk as far as I am concerned.Gettin in my car and makin lurid suggestions then flashing their lady lumps.....and we havnt even been formally introduced.
How rude !

Leah said...

We had a great laugh over this post at my house...especially my husband, as it might as well be a description of riding in the car with his mother...except nothing about lady business, instead she likes to hold forth at great length about automobile fatalities...all in all, though, I guess I'd rather hear about carnage than other people's lady parts! Which would you prefer?

Happy Birthday!

BEAST said...

Leah , its all chopped liver to me

****throws liver sausage sandwich in bin****

MJ said...

You'll be thrilled to know that as of an hour ago, I got my period!

Would you like regular updates?

BEAST said...

****tips tomato juice down sink***

Why that would be champion Miss MJ.At this rate I will be anorexic by next week

Anonymous said...

YOU HAVE TO REMBER BEAST ONLY RELISED HE HAD FULL BEAM ON THE HEAD LIGHTS LAST YEAR WITH FROBISHER... HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU ABOUT 4TH AND 5TH GEAR DEAR! ALSO HE DRIVES LIKE A GIRL TOO... SEAT RIGHT FORWARD... HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU OLD CUNT.. ANOTHER YEAR CLOSER TO DEATH... :)

MJ said...

Does Beast have to use a booster seat?

MJ said...

I've got full-blown cramps now.

Why don't you fix me a nice cup of tea and give me soothing massage?

BEAST said...

I DO NOT DRIVE LIKE A GIRL

***bursts into tears****

would someone put a newspaper under MJ

Liz said...

Was it your birthday?

I didn't know you were related to my mother-in-law. In fact that would make you ... my ... brother-in-law! How lovely. I have always wanted to be related to a beast.

MJ said...

Oh dear oh dear.

Beast needs a cuddle.

Pink Drama said...

poor beast. can't get any love, now can you? at least you didn't knock her up. now that would be dangerous.

*hands beast a hanky*

now stop whining. chin up, chest out. that's a good boy. now, go be a good beastie and play with mj and first nations. if you play nice, i'll give you a cookie.

MJ said...

Happy birthday, my little cabbage roll!

Liz said...

Happy birthday to you,
Squashed tomatoes and stew,
Bread and butter in the gutter,
Happy birthday to you, Beasty!

About Me

My photo
Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO