Wednesday, 31 October 2007

RETURN OF THE CHAMP








The champ has taken a break from righting wrongs , casting out the unbeliever and exhaling pure testosterone, to pass among us mere mortals.
















The Beast has not been idle since his return , I have been rummaging in my wardrobe and you can see from the picture old Beasties months of gruelling excersise and diet have really paid off. OnceI climbed into the champs cast off lycra , As modest as I am I think the champ may have some competition.






There is always time for a few last minute adjustments to really put the icing on the cake. The Chest wig has been dusted off and back combed. I am now ready for much Star Treck related fun , hiaku competitions and an unholy battle for fight points.
The Beast is ready for all comers.
Three Cheers for the Champ......Hurrah


As I like to be prepared I am also putting the finishing touches to my Jungle Jane
Returns outfit.

I think I can give JJ a good run for her money as well......lets face it , I have bigger tits :-)

Tuesday, 30 October 2007

THE KING OF VEGETABLES



The best thing about this time of year , is the majestic sprout.

A versatile and tasty vegetable . Boil for 10 minutes and serve with a knob of butter and ground black pepper.....fantastic. Gone are the days when grandma Beasty would put the sprouts on to boil the day after halloween ready for xmas dinner , and produce a vile soggy kharki mush.They dont agree with everyones digestion and can produce voluminous amounts of cabbagey wind that cause hours of christmas afternoon fun as Granny farts the National Anthem during the traditional queens speech.

For safety sake always ensure you chew your sprouts well , and never on any account swallow them whole, as shattering great Aunt Bessies dentures with an unfortunate half digested , bottom burp driven , sprout projectile never goes down well

Sprouts have many other uses.

1.Thread on a string and have hours of family fun with a game of 'Sprouts' (just like conkers but with sprouts)

2.Super glue small sprouts around your anus and frighten people when you bend over in the showers at the gym with your comedy supturating haemaroids.

3.Jungle Jane tells me they they make excellent anal beads and double as healthy snack on those long commutes to work.

4.Orgasmic(err sorry organic) Love Eggs.....nuff said

5. Eco friendly jewellry - attractive and fragrant....yum yum

6.Keep an overcooked sprout in your hanky and amuse all you friends by pretending to sneeze and showing them your hanky contents....how we laughed.

These are just a few uses for the fun filled sprout .Please detail your sprout related shenanigans below.

Thursday, 25 October 2007

SPOILED FOR CHOICE


I have many exciting options to concider for the approaching weekend .

Mr Mutley has contacted me in feverish excitement , as he has arranged an internet blind date with 'Three fun loving sisters' ! .He cheerfully asked if I would like to come along to 'make up the numbers' , confiding that two would be enough for himself , and I could have the uggo.I fear Mr M has made a dreadful mistake as the 'sisters' have finally sent me the picture i requested , a far cry from the nympho triplets Mr M is expecting.So I may have to give this one a miss.


My next exciting option is protesting about something with Mr Gaskin. I havnt got a clue what it is , but feel free to pop over to Mr Gaskins Emporium as I am sure hes having a rant about it .Mr G has apparently made a nice banner for me , Saying COME ON PIGS IF YOU THINK YOUR HARD ENOUGH.......must have something to do with the euro pork mountain or some such. But apparently I will be in front of the march to draw the attention of the police....... well I never , recognised for my boyish good looks and natty dress sense at last


But after a busy week at work I may just plumb for a delicious take away from Miss Mu's fabulous Tex Mex/Polish/Beetroot /Chinese take away . I do feel the Bridport Hospital Sponsorship Message(Health Warning ???) on Miss Mu's take away menu is a mistake..... but the foxy chinese minx seems happy with it.






I could then settle down and get in touch with my femenine side.




Or Maybe not ! I will keep you posted if further offers flood in

Sunday, 21 October 2007

GYMNASIUM GENTRIFICATION


I have First Nations to thank for the title . The powers that be had closed the Beasts Gymnasium for three days of refurbishment.It was a perfectly good functional no frills gym.
I was less than impressed by the following 'improvements'
1.New carpets - it looks exactly the same as the old carpet but seems to have a very nasty chemical smell to it but I guess if the old one was wearing out.......
2.Artwork - well fuck me sideways , I thought I was there to train and sweat . Who has time for artwork ? its a fecking gym.
3.Mood lighting - some idjit has replaced some of the lights with coloured bulbs , making it dark and gloomy , I will now spend half my time wandering into bits of equipment and groping around in the gloaming . One wonders what mood they were going for, other than a bad one.
4.Sanitising Gel. It is now unacceptable to sweat apparently one is supposed to immediately rush to your nearest gel dispenser and wipe down every surface you may have sullied.The fact that you are now be in danger of sticking to or sliding off of the equipment has occurred to no one , but at least you wont encounter a germ of any stripe - god forbid. What is wrong with this ridiculous 'no risk' society , I would prefer to have a fully functioning immune system , you only get that if it is constantly challenged.
All the gyms and health clubs have been wooing the yummy mummy market (middle class bored brainless housewives) to keep the places full while everyone else is at work , unfortunately what follows is non sense like points 2 -4 , whatever next coordinated throw cushions on the bench press , Laura Ashley gym mats ????? .
Its a gym , not your front room , its supposed to be functional , cant you just carry on ruining the environment with your gas guzzling 4x4's and bringing up lazy ,illiterate,undisciplined over weight offspring
AND LEAVE MY GYM ALONE
Jeez

Thursday, 18 October 2007

WHATS THAT SMELL



A guest at Beast's 'Pancake Fest' has an attack of the vapours when faced with the evil smelling butchers block chopping board.

One of the kitchen angels that infest Beasts Kitchen weeps with embarrasment(bloody things , leave the door open for five minutes and they are everywhere flapping round the lights and crapping in the sink). Why oh why does the block smell it wails.




Its true my chopping board has developed a personal problem....... it smells like a turkish wrestlers jock strap , despite many a scrubbing with neat bleach.

One of you lot usually knows how to sort this stuff out.
Hurry up its social death in block form!

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

STUFFING THE FRENCH /NIGELLAS BEAUTIES



I dont want to gloat too much (well I do actually) .We stuffed the french in the Rugby World Cup..........Hurrah.
For our American chums Rugby is a bit like your American football , well a small bit , the difference being the same people stay on the pitch for the whole game and dont wear girly padding , and theres no advert breaks.
Oh and did I mention WE STUFFED THE FRENCH........and they cried , he he he




Now Nigella was up to her usual tricks last night. She was making chicken pot pies . After much foreplay with a frying pan we were approaching an all butter puff pastry climax . Nigella pnuematically heaved her magnificent bosom , licked her lips and breathed orgasmically at the camera 'Now lets crown these beauties'.

Poor Beast nearly choked on his vegetarian sausage dinner.! ! !
Hurrah for gastro porn.
Now the Beasts dream showdown would be Nigella gastronomically sticking it to the French , because as well as being misguided about their rugby prowess , they also arrogantly claim to be the best chefs in the world - Ha!!! Chitterlings and braised bollocks anyone ????

Saturday, 13 October 2007

W T F ?????


Last time I was at Ma Beasties , I was having a chuck out of some old boxes of stuff I had hanging around in the loft. While routing about I found Beasties Bizar Records Box.
Here is a selection of some of the horrors to be found within.

Klaus Nomi , sadly no longer with us, but a 24 carat freak. He looked like an anorexic , green haired humpty dumpty. His style of music can best be described as pavarotti with a head cold being chased roundstudio twenty one by someone wealding a weed whacker. If you havn't grooved to our Klauses rendition of The Twist ...........you havn't lived.



Next up is an old Beastbite favourite William Shatner.What can I say about this shocker other than it bodly goes etc etc.
The great capn's version of Lucy in the Sky with diamonds is certainly emotional..........to clarify .....it made me want to cry.






Lastly I have selected the jewel in Beasties crown.
Our Babs , purveyor of crap romantic fiction , managed to curl this out(as in a turd) inbetween churning out her weekly novels. It beggars belief that she actually got the Royal Philarmonic to participate.She croaks her way thru a pantheon of standards , committing musical first degree murder at every turn.
Its foul and made Granny Beastie laugh so hard she blew her dentures into the sunday lunch trifle .Which got as both in terrible trouble with Ma Beasty.I miss Grany Beastie gawd bless her , a wickedly funny old lady.
I particularly love the artistic licence employed
in the sleeve picture , as the hideous old bat actually looked like this.............




Yum , Yum.




Now my lovelies what horrors have you lurking on shelves and in atticks ????

Thursday, 11 October 2007

TEMPORARY MALFUNCTION



The Beast is temporarily swamped with a mountain of work , bills and a general malaise.

Once the Beast has finished having an attack of the 'vapours' , he will return.

The Management at Beastbite would like to apologise for any inconvenience caused by its 'talent' having a tantrum and doing a 'Hitch flounce'.

Friday, 5 October 2007

OH BULLOCKS !!!!


Fellow Taureans , are you all having a shit week ????

It started at the end of last week with too much work , then was swiftly preceded by arguements , misunderstandings and tantrums .
Which was just the warm up for a bizzare virus infection .
Burning fever and chills followed by two days of every muscle in my body aching (even my eyelids).
By midweek the health was improving , but the cosmos had not finished with me yet......

I gained 1 miserly pound at fat club weigh in(which was a shock) , and got a ratty lecture from the over tanned , scraggy rotweiler that runs the club .......having stomped off home still smarting from the terrible harangue , I then proceeded to take a 7 pound leak.......I was in there for HOURS....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Water retention is bad enough becuase its just so damn girly , but a mistimed monster urination is just well ,,,,taking the piss.

Was it all over yet Oooooh no , suddenly the financial situation went down the drain(a shocking unexpected bill)............ and then double or quits got twice as bad(as in "ooops when i said £200 , I actually meant £400").
Now a taurus on the most meager of budgets will have an emergency fund( even if its only a hard saved £1) , they will also have a holiday treats fund and a bit extra put by somewhere else just to make sure........all temporarily wiped out...........
A taurean without contingencies is not a happy bunny.

So there we have it , the Beast is in a rare old Taurean fug , and about to have a spectacular bullish tantrum/eruption , so I will be spending as much of the weekend on my own as possible , so's not to lose any hapless friends or loved ones to collateral damage or pyroplastic flow.
Not that I shall be festering , oh no no no.... come monday morning I am going to have the cleanest house in the western hemisphere , my garden will be clipped , brushed and primped and I am going to have THE most toned and excersised butt in Bournemouth .
House keeping/excersise as anger management . Yessireee
Its cheap
You get a result
It works
Have a nice weekend..........

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

SISTA'S DOIN IT FOR THEMSELVES


I dont know what is the world comming to.The vatican is having to shut down a convent in Bari Italy , when the sisters vow of silence was shattered by an unholy row and a punch up.
The Clarissa nuns regarded as the strictest order in the catholic church , devoted to a life of prayer , silence and contemplation , beat the living shite out of the mother superior having been driven to distraction by her nasty habits - and I dont think they were reffering to her laundry.
The Beast wonders if this is the latest ploy by the vatican to bolster those dwindling congregations
The Mearest hint of the possibility of a bit of girl on girl action is bound to put bums on pews - Its a miracle
Halleluyah !

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO