Tuesday, 29 May 2007

SNOT FUNNY !


I cant believe it , some plague ridden workmate has infected me with a cold.I have spent the whole weekend a 'coughing and a, sneezing.Worse still its one of the real runny ones , so I look like I have some sort of ejaculation problem or my brains are leaking out of me nose.I dragged meself into work this morning and got promptly sent home , I was suprised I didnt get given a bell and a sign saying unclean to hang around me neck.
Ungrateful Bastards
I have spent the rest of the day loafing around in bed eating chocolate biscuits and crisps(chips for our American readership) and scraping snot off me face with the whole kitchen roll I took to bed with me.
Its not a pleasant sight.
Being a man , I of course like to make a huge drama when I am ill , but living on my own I find my scope is limited in my home environmens , so thank heavens for technology , I have phoned ma Beasty and moaned, coughed , sneezed and bleated , and mailed and MSN'd all my female aquantencences to allow them to cosset and fuss.I had mixed success , a few 'there , there, there's' , the odd 'I hope you feel better tomorrow' and one threat of If i didnt stop whingeing I would soon have a visit to show me the true meaning of pain and suffering(you somehow expect better of your own MOTHER !)





Has Mr Gorilla Bananas hit upon a winning marketing opertunity , watch out for Beast snot coming soon to a supermarket near you.


On another note have a look at this blog , I cant wait to see what our resident Amazons Jungle Jane and First Nations make of this www.MenAreBetterThanWomen.com

Friday, 25 May 2007

KISMET !


Some things are meant to be apparently.....everything happens for a reason.....Now I am getting seriously worried.
I am on call overnight , and quiet often I have to drive into work in the early hours of the morning .In recent weeks , as I drive down one particular deserted stretch of road I pass someone peddling a bike in the opposite direction , dressed as a clown . I dont mean oddly dressed but full big trousers with an 80 inch waist held up by braces , stripey tights , big round clown shoes , stripey shirt under a big coat , a whited out face , red nose and a jaunty hat with a flower pot and flower stuck in it.
Its worrying enough that fate has drawn us together on many a dark and lonely night , but what makes things worse is the 'relationship' is escalating. Last night the traffic lights mysteriously changed to red on this desserted stretch of road , so like the good citizen I am , I stopped in the eirie moonlight , the odd bat flitting about my car , suddenly from a side turning carreened the clown person , who then slowed down on approaching my car , waved in a jolly fashion and parped the oversized horn mounted on their handlebars.
**Gulp**
Now I fear this is heading towards Hot clown Sex , buckets of custard down the trousers , pratt falls , pulling bunches of flowers from startling orifices and a troupe of dwarves.
Its written in the stars
Its Kismet
There is no Escape

Monday, 21 May 2007

A STORMY NIGHT AHEAD



Oh No.

In a fit of pure Beasty glutony , I made a big saucepan of really thick fresh lentil soup , enough to feed about twenty.

I then ate it all.It was lush.!

I am now beached on the sofa like orka the obese.Apart from the terrible bloating there are some hidious gurglings and squelchings coming from my guts and it feels like something is squirming around down there .

I dont feel very well :-(

I fear a ghastly gastric incident my ensue , as I dont want to wake in the wee small hours with besplattered walls and some half digested vegetable horror dripping off the chandelier. I may have to sleep in the bath.

If someone would just volunteer to come round in the morning and hose me down all may yet be well .

***Belches discreetly and waddles off*****

Wednesday, 16 May 2007

BEASTIES HAPPY HOUR - PASS THE BUCKET PLEASE




Following on from First Nations placenta planting I had a little search on the internet and found this lovely Placenta cocktail recipe (right next to placenta lasagne....I kid you not) , bound to make any cocktail party go with a gag


Placenta Cocktail
Ingredients: 1/4 cup fresh, raw placenta 8oz V-8 juice 2 ice cubes 1/2 cup carrot Method: blend at high speed for 10 seconds. Serve. A tasty thirst quencher!


The poor woman who runs the website plaintiveley pleads


Please refrain from sending me nasty letters about this... if you don't find this to your liking, please just go to another page. Try to keep an open mind...


aww bless.



On another topic my french sister in law (or belle soeur if you want to get all continental about it) put the wind right up my parents , who had been discussing funerals and wills and stuff .My Sis in Law informed them that when they were children and someone had died in the village where they lived ,( in a hot part of mid France) , they used to wait a couple of weeks , then go to the grave yard at dusk , and strike a match over the grave.Apparently the gases seeping off the mouldering cadaver used to ignite in a beautiful mushroom cloud fireball !!!!!.


Ma Beasty has made me swear on the bible that I ensure she is cremated as she doesnt want the wiley continental minx , dragging her foul brood(they are not foul really) down to the local cemetery for grannies last stand .


Look kids


***stricking of match***


***large explosion****


There goes granny!!!!!!.


****picks mandible out of hair , scrapes gunk from dress***



Sounds rather fun to me


Saturday, 12 May 2007

ITS THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS



Only a week away from my birthday and already the presents have started to arrive.A bit of a 'home made ' theme has been developing.

Jungle Jane has made me this prototype 'Rise and Shine' kipper steamer.A very imaginative use of old household objects and our Jane has obviously tested it , the appetising smell of old kippers and burning rubber that filled my kitchen when I first brought it to the boil are testament to that.Mark my words it going to be a best seller


Mr Mutley and the lovely Mu Tai must have collaborated on these spectacularly soiled underpants.I am guessing the staining was Mu Tais special Chow Mein , if the beefy bouquet and dried up noodles are anything to go by.I will cherish them always.








These very useful items , will certainly get me noticed at the next church picnic.No more bothersome drips and spills for Beastie , thank you Mr New Forest Pony





Mr C and Frobisher have been busy boys in the kitchen , and have made this motivational Goji berry and senna pod cake , the lovely card accompanying the cake expressing the sentiment 'I hope you choke' , brought a tear to my eye






The latest to arrive by special air mail from the states.First Nations has been working her finger to the bone at the sewing machine and has knocked up this 'designer'' outfit for me , 'it fully expresses your personality' she jokingly wrote.
Lucky that I thought I was a complete c*nt !!!





It brings a warm glow to an old Beasts heart to have friends who love and cherish one , on these special occasions.
Sob!

Wednesday, 9 May 2007

ACTION MAN AND A WATERCOLOUR


I seemed to spend a lot of my childhood sent to my room , unjustly for things my brothers did...... we have dealt with Beast Minors major crime (of which there were many) and now we move on to Beast Major.
Beast major was always a crabby child , but I still idolised him as my older brother , which he invariably used to get me into trouble.He was particularly bitter, twisted and just plain eaten up with jealousy when I got an action man for christmas , it was my favourite present EVER (well I was only 6).He lured my out into the garden to play , while the parentals and the grand parentals loafed belching and scratching in the lounge following a slap up xmas lunch.
Once in the garden he snatched poor action man and threw him as hard as he could up onto the roof, saying lets see if he can fly. Sadly he scored a bullseye and AM dissapeared straight down the chimney(This being the 60's most people still had coal fires).
There was a few moments of silence , followed by a huge ruckus from the house , and poor Beasty was summarilly frogged marched back indoors(Beast Major having scarpered).
It looked like something very nasty had exploded in the lounge , and sitting round on the fire side chairs was an array of soot blackened Beast elders, there was soot everywhere , sat perkily in the middle of this horror ..........Beasties Xmas actionman........
Smack....lecture.....a lot more smacking and harangueing, banishement to bed swiftly followed .
Happy Xmas Beasty :-(


The next crime happened later that year .Ma Beasty had epilepsy and was on a 5 year course of drugs , so poor thing was a bit zonked from those , plus three little heathen swine children and a dog to look after .She used to paint a lot at the time (and was quiet good).One lovely summers day we were all bumbling about in the garden , Ma Beasty had a watercolour on the go on an easel , and we three kids where messing about digging holes and stuff.Beast Major thought it would be highly hilarious to piss in a plastic bag and throw it at Beast minor who was happily playing with his bricks. So I was recuited to also fill a bag while Ma Beasty wasnt looking , he showed me how to tie a knot in the top , then he launched his nice full bag , and scarpered .Sadly it missed Beast Minor by a mile , and hit Ma Beasty , smack on the back of the head , burst and splattered all over the almost finished watercolour.
You cant imagine poor little Beastie , still clutching a damning bag of warm piss , being rounded upon by an enraged , dripping and fragrant Ma Beasty , her ruined , much belaboured painting , dripping and running in the back ground.
More smacking , haranguing and an early bed for Beastie followed by the long wait for the much feared , Pa Beasty , you have let everybody down , upset your mother and worst of all let yourself down lecture...... oh the horror of it.

Do you know I never ratted on Beast major for this till I was in my twenties , and only then becuase he ratted me out for something i did when I was eight(taking a crap in Pa Beasties shoe and blaming it on the dog...he he it was hilarious at the time).

Toodle pip

Monday, 7 May 2007

DOING A SOLAR POWERED POLISH



I havnt got much money this month , but I decided to treat myself to a little something for my garden , a solar glowglobe from Ebay***.It is the coolest thing ever , it glows away gently changing colour thru the full spectrum and seems to last all night.

Should I ever decide to go to a fancy dress party in drag , I am def buying another one and will use them as glowing fake breasts !!

Since all my blogging chums are 'going green' , Frobisher and FN composting away like demons , Jungle Jane is bathing with a few friends , Mu Tai is burning Mr Mutleys furniture to power her wok .I have decided to do my part and save the planet from my lavatory seat. We all flush too much apparently , there is no need to flush after every lavatorial transaction....so remember

If its yellow let it mellow****

If its brown flush it down

I heard on the radio that there is a new phenomenon in london that has appeared since the massive influx of polish builders....... if someone turns up at you house , uses your bathroom and has a big dump............ is now called doing a polish(as in poland notas in polishing ya nic knacs).

Has anyone ever 'done a polish' at your house ????

***God bless Ebay

***** unless its a yellow Polish , in which case its probably cholera , so flush immediatley and seek medical attention :-)

Wednesday, 2 May 2007

CAMPING WITH MR C


**** UPDATE ****

The Lovely Carmen Miranda








The Not so lovely 'Fat Pat'


Read the comments it will all make sense
(Well anythings possible)





*** End Of UPDATE***












Mr C reckons , at the first sign of a bit of camp I do a runner





That accusation makes me want to








Me and the boys at the womens institute dont know what hes talking about








You wont catch me screaming at the sight of a bit of camp










Altho butch is best










Sometimes you do wonder ....... fag anyone ???









*****Beast , adjusts Jackie 'O shades , freshens lipstick and minces off ****

Tuesday, 1 May 2007

POSSESION IS 9/10TH OF THE LAW


As I mentioned in my last post Ma Beasty's much prized sheperds pie has brought all sorts of sibling rivalries/slights screaming out of the closet.
There is one particular gross miscarraige of justice I just have to air.
My little brother (Beast Minor) has some wierd sleep disorder where the bit of his brain that is supposed to paralyse you when you dream only works intermittently , consequently he actually 'lives' a lot of his dreams , and believe me we dream some pretty wierd shite on occasions.
And guess who had to share a bedroom with the little blighter????
Yes me.
Most nights our bedroom was like something out of the excorcist , I didnt used to get a lot of sleep , poor old Ma and Pa Beasty used to spend most of the night running about calming down screaming children.
On the night in question Beast Minor was very quiet , myself and the Beast Parents where all lapping up the ZZZZZ's for the first time in an age.
At about 3 ocklock in the morning , Beast Minor did the biggest belch you ever heard (it woke me and the parentals up) , sat bolt upright in bed , turned to face my bed and did themost spectacular bit of projectile vomitting , all over me ,then promptly laid back down , and when Ma and Pa Beasty came stumbling in ,
There was a wailing sick besplatterd beast , bed walls everything covered in sick , and an angelic Beast minor slumbering peacefully.
Well to cut a long story short , I got a hidious telling off(having seemingly dragged the poor exhuasted thing from their beds on the one night BM wasnt screaming the house down) followed by a very bad tempered clean up opperation .
All my wailing protestations that it was that swine Beast Minor , only made the lecturing and irritable scrubbing worse. Had Ma and Pa Beasty bothered to look they would have seen a corona of sick splatter up the wall with a perfect beast shape blank spot in the middle , clearly indicating that i was the vomitted upon , not the vomittor.
This injustice has burnt my very soul for the last 35 years , and is brought up regularly at familly xmas's , dinners , birthdays etc etc..... to the usual catawalling , fart noises and jibes of derision .
I swear by all that is holy I fully intend on throwing up on Beast minor before I die !!!!
My question to you , gentle blogging chums , do you have any dreadful childhood miscarraiges of justice that still make you foam at the mouth to even think about them.
ps. Beast major I have not forgotten about action man and the chimney incident....YOUR NEXT

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO