Tuesday, 14 October 2008

GOING TO THE DOGS

As we know Mr C's dogs Alfie and Lloyd have been staying with their beloved Beast while Mr C swanned about in the med. Alfie was a real gent as befits his regal lineage , The little thug Lloyd however was more of a handful . By day two Lloyd had decided it was my fault his dad had abandoned him , so was making a big show of sulking , and had chosen the Swivel Chair of Judgement to demonstrate his ire. Lloyd has worked out that if he stands on the chair and does a sort of doggy hula dance , he can get the chair to swivel round. So Saturday morning , he got in the chair and hula'd it very pointedly (It squeaks when he hula's) to face the corner.


Fig 1.Chair in the non judgemental position






















Fig 2 . Chair hula'd into the 'cold shoulder' position






















Lloyd stayed in the 'cold Shoulder' position all day (Until dinner was served) and made little piggy snorts of derision every time I walked past. He did occasionally hula the chair round to balefully glare at me , stick his nose in the air with a scathing snort and hula back again.

I would like to say I didn't care but being viciously snubbed by mans best friend cuts one to the quick.

Anyways a couple of days later as peace and harmony had returned to the Beastial Dog Basket , I decided to treat the dogs to some posh dinner rather than the usual vile fare of Tesco Value 'Meaty' Chunks (Which smells like shite and looks worse). So I splashed out on Tesco's premier Beef chunks in a rich gravy . It looked and smelled good enough to make a pie with and the dogs lapped it up.

It was a little past midnight that the first signs of trouble began to manifest themselves . The Beast was rudely awoken in a cold sweat with ghastly gastric gurglings and rectal trumpetings

coming from the darkened corner where little lloyd was sleeping . I think the dreadful fumes must have knocked me out as I was rattled awake again at 3 am with lloyd frantically bouncing up and down on my bed in an increasingly desperate attempt to wake a slumbering Beast

'gedupgedupgedupgedup I need TO GO TO THE TOILET NOW '

I dragged meself from the warm embrace of my duvet and staggered downstairs with a puckered lloyd and opened the garden door and had to wait in the chilly dark with the most shocking evacuation noises wafting from the darkened garden. It was with some trepidation I peered into the garden as I got ready for work as dawn broke.

Enshrined in the middle of the decorative gravel , was THE most enormous poo . No wonder a plainly exhausted Lloyd was slumbering on the sofa . I was going to take a picture of this gastric wonder ,but with the sensibilities of my delicate readershipin mind I felt just a general Idea would be more appropriate.

It looked like the contents of this cone.....only enormous and an evil brown colour :-).

Wizened poo gnome Dr Gillian McKieth would have had an orgasm if she had got a poke at this beauty




36 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Good of the dog to wake you up rather than shit on your face. Mr C has trained it well. Isn't Pedigree Chum the gourmet dog food?

BEAST said...

Mr Bananas . This following from the flapjack horror , I am loath to experiment again. Maybe I should try the food first ???

scarlet-blue said...

Never ever change their diet . . .
Do him some scrambled egg and boiled rice, that should sort him out.
Sx

FirstNations said...

was steam rising from it? I always think thats so cool. heh. steaming dog crap.

heh.

eroswings said...

That is a smart dog to wake you up for a bathroom break. I'm sure he'll be in a much better mood now that he's had a huge, eh, cathartic experience.

MJ said...

Would you please do something about that octopus of electrical cords on your floor?

BEAST said...

scarlet-blue said...
Never ever change their diet . . .
Do him some scrambled egg and boiled rice, that should sort him out.

Little Lloyd has been packed off home now Miss Scarlet , so his digestinal well being is no longer my concern

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
was steam rising from it? I always think thats so cool. heh. steaming dog crap.

heh.

FN I couldn't see , it was dark , but I bet there was a malodorous vapour rising from it

BEAST said...

eroswings said...
That is a smart dog to wake you up for a bathroom break. I'm sure he'll be in a much better mood now that he's had a huge, eh, cathartic experience.

Oh yes a huge load off of his little mind , so to speak

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Would you please do something about that octopus of electrical cords on your floor?

Its a TV power cable and an ariel cable Miss MJ , hardly an octopus of cords , and I like to keep it wild and untamed so I can move the TV about easily.....so REQUEST DENIED

Daisy said...

we did that once...gave the dogs a treat...omg you can't even properly describe the smell that protrudes into the air on a regular basis for 12 hours!!!!!!! I swore i would never do it again, i don't care how good that food looks in comparison!

inkspot said...

"It looked and smelled good enough to make a pie with...".

So you reveal your epicurious secrets after all.

MJ said...

There are products on the market, you know, to hide your unsightly cables.

scarlet-blue said...

I clicked on MJ's 'products' link because I thought it was going to be something rude . . .
Sx

INNER VOICES said...

*hates dog shit beyond all reason*


very nice of him indeed to wake you up! perhaps some doggie treats of the plugging up nature are required!

CyberPete said...

MJ are coming over to fix my cords?

I'll pay you!

BEAST said...

Daisy said...
we did that once...gave the dogs a treat...omg you can't even properly describe the smell that protrudes into the air on a regular basis for 12 hours!!!!!!! I swore i would never do it again, i don't care how good that food looks in comparison
It was terrible daisy , never again

BEAST said...

inkspot said...
"It looked and smelled good enough to make a pie with...".

So you reveal your epicurious secrets after all.
Inky , you are obsessed with food :-)

BEAST said...

MJ said...
There are products on the market, you know, to hide your unsightly cables.
I like my untidy cables . Its who I am

BEAST said...

scarlet-blue said...
I clicked on MJ's 'products' link because I thought it was going to be something rude . . .
I am sure you can do something rude with it if you try hard enough Miss Scarlet

BEAST said...

INNER VOICES said...
*hates dog shit beyond all reason*


very nice of him indeed to wake you up! perhaps some doggie treats of the plugging up nature are required!
trouble with plugging up Mr Voices , is its gonna come out sometime , just in a bigger heap

BEAST said...

CyberPete said...
MJ are coming over to fix my cords?

I'll pay you!
Is that a euphemism Cyberpoof ???

Inexplicable DeVice said...

While I was obviously horrified at the main theme of this post, I nearly produced the same 'theme' myself from laughing so much once I read the last sentence.
From now on, McKeith will be forever known as The Wizened Poo Gnome.
Thank you, Beast.

The Old Tarf said...

.only enormous and an evil brown colour :-).

You referred to an Evil brown colour. You were referring I am sure subconsciously to Gordon Brown.

How very astute of you.

BEAST said...

Inexplicable DeVice said...
While I was obviously horrified at the main theme of this post, I nearly produced the same 'theme' myself from laughing so much once I read the last sentence.
From now on, McKeith will be forever known as The Wizened Poo Gnome.
Thank you, Beast.

Mr IVD A man of good taste like yourselves would obviously be horrified at the mention of bodily functions , I am glad Mc Kieth 'lightened the load' so to speak

BEAST said...

The Old Tarf said...
.only enormous and an evil brown colour :-).

You referred to an Evil brown colour. You were referring I am sure subconsciously to Gordon Brown.

How very astute of you.

Tarf , I can claim no credit , but badness will out :-)

livesbythewoods said...

I am going to use the phrase "Shocking evacuation noises" in every conversation I can from now on.

Top marks, that man.

DONN COPPENS said...

It was very kind of you to treat them.

Poor Lloyd.
His delicate little constitution was simply overwhelmed by the enematic qualities of Tesco's Value 'Meaty' Chunks.

The ensuing "gastric gurglings and rectal trumpetings" resonating from within reminded me that one the most pathetic sights that one can ever witness in this Life, is that of a small Dog taking a BIG POO!

Seriously..with their little legs shaking and shuffling forward (as if that helps?) they can't even look you in the eye...you know how they give you that shameful quick glance out of the corner of their eye..UGH..it's so embarrasing for all concerned.

BEAST said...

livesbythewoods said...
I am going to use the phrase "Shocking evacuation noises" in every conversation I can from now on.

Top marks, that man.

LBTW we would like a count of how many times you can use it today :-)

BEAST said...

DONN COPPENS said...
It was very kind of you to treat them.

Poor Lloyd.
His delicate little constitution was simply overwhelmed by the enematic qualities of Tesco's Value 'Meaty' Chunks.

The ensuing "gastric gurglings and rectal trumpetings" resonating from within reminded me that one the most pathetic sights that one can ever witness in this Life, is that of a small Dog taking a BIG POO!

Seriously..with their little legs shaking and shuffling forward (as if that helps?) they can't even look you in the eye...you know how they give you that shameful quick glance out of the corner of their eye..UGH..it's so embarrasing for all concerned.

Donn , your right of course , had the darkness not hidden poor little Lloyds embarrassment , he may have needed years of therapy to get over this whopper

inkspot said...

Dear Beast,

Obsessed with food? Compare our profiles. Were we separated at birth?

CyberPete said...

No, not really Beastie.

I couldn't for the life of me imagine what it would be for though.

BEAST said...

inkspot said...
Dear Beast,

Obsessed with food? Compare our profiles. Were we separated at birth
Inky , anything is possible . I have always been obsessed with food its only 10 am and I am sitting here fantasising about tonights dinner , I am having a craving for hot and spicy nachos covered with melted cheese with guacamole , sour cream and salsa now thats been decided i shall daydream about a main course for a bit

BEAST said...

CyberPete said...
No, not really Beastie.

I couldn't for the life of me imagine what it would be for though
I am sure Miss MJ could come up with something 'inventive' to do with it

scarlet-blue said...

Well, a lot has happened here since I went off to play with those tubes . . . sigh . . .
Sx

CyberPete said...

I'd rather she didn't though.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

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