HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Whether you are having a few drinks










Or making a pig of yourself with all those Trick or Treat chocolates




The Beast wishes you a HAPPY HALLOWEEN

EARTHMOTHER

Not that anyone cares , but you may have wondered why the Beast has been largely absent this week .
Well what a week Beast "Single Mother of two" has had . Hellhounds Alfie and Lloyd are staying Chez Beastly while Mr C suns himself in Turkey.

When your normally only used to looking after yourself , it comes as a bit of a shock to suddenly have to run around , cooking(well opening a few cans) , cleaning , shopping , mopping up little accidents , daily garden 'dog log' cleanup , grooming , getting up in the night when little bladders are bursting and "Walkies".All this and fitting in with work and stuff.
I am exhausted


There are however a few benefits , If anyone wants us , you can find me and 'baby' Alfie shoplifting in Asda , these prams are damn handy for stowing 'liberated' goods and us hard pressed single mums need all the help we can get stretching our meager budgets . I wonder if I can apply for child support and a council flat ????

SIX RANDOM THINGS

Tagged by Scarlet Blue here are six random things about me

1. Atlanta Traffic Reporter Joy Barge bit me on the ass, by way of introduction at a birthday party at a transvestite review bar in London's Soho - please note a simple Hello would suffice.

2.I often get up and wander around in the middle of the night , for no apparent reason . I can tell when I have done this as there is a trail of half eaten things through the house - apples are my fave nightime snack.

3.My Cousin was late great Gardeners World(BBC gardening prog) presenter Geoff Hamilton.

4.I used to work as a Banquet waiter at Buckingham Palace.

5.I ended my 4 years of Karate Training in embarrassingly spectacular style by breaking my shoulder in a "How to fall safely" training seminar.

6. I love cleaning

PASS THE BUTTER*

Oh Yes . Last night was Tango Nite at Cafe C

A wonderful time was had by all , Mr C resplendent in snake hipped trousers , Cuban heels,shirt slashed to the waist , revealing a luxuriant chest wig and moodily stroking his 'Clarke Gable' moustache , the sultry lights flashing off his oiled pompadour (Don't misunderstand me It wasn't fancy dress , Mr C ALWAYS dresses like that)

Even Fellow Kitchen Bitches Frobisher and Kieth , got into the swing of things.The Beast Thinks Frobisher could have made more of an effort , who ever heard of a blonde Latin spitfire .

I was banished Cinderella like to the kitchen , to scrub the floor until it gleamed.

I was only released from my drudgery for

Last Tango in Dorchester

***sinister rattling of maraca's***

On another point , Christmas Stuff is popping up all over the place , Aisles and Aisles of crap in the supermarket.

The Beasts says.

IT's TOO FRIGGING EARLY

* If you don't get the butter reference.....go and hire yourself Last Tango in Paris

TROPICAL DELIGHTS

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Well I don't know what these are , but they have managed to survive the year and a half since Mr C moved out and cruelly left them to fend for themselves with unintentional plant murderer Beasty.

Now, since I have shown you mine...........

GLOVE PUPPETS

Just say no!!!



Discuss

GOING TO THE DOGS

As we know Mr C's dogs Alfie and Lloyd have been staying with their beloved Beast while Mr C swanned about in the med. Alfie was a real gent as befits his regal lineage , The little thug Lloyd however was more of a handful . By day two Lloyd had decided it was my fault his dad had abandoned him , so was making a big show of sulking , and had chosen the Swivel Chair of Judgement to demonstrate his ire. Lloyd has worked out that if he stands on the chair and does a sort of doggy hula dance , he can get the chair to swivel round. So Saturday morning , he got in the chair and hula'd it very pointedly (It squeaks when he hula's) to face the corner.


Fig 1.Chair in the non judgemental position






















Fig 2 . Chair hula'd into the 'cold shoulder' position

Lloyd stayed in the 'cold Shoulder' position all day (Until dinner was served) and made little piggy snorts of derision every time I walked past. He did occasionally hula the chair round to balefully glare at me , stick his nose in the air with a scathing snort and hula back again.

I would like to say I didn't care but being viciously snubbed by mans best friend cuts one to the quick.

Anyways a couple of days later as peace and harmony had returned to the Beastial Dog Basket , I decided to treat the dogs to some posh dinner rather than the usual vile fare of Tesco Value 'Meaty' Chunks (Which smells like shite and looks worse). So I splashed out on Tesco's premier Beef chunks in a rich gravy . It looked and smelled good enough to make a pie with and the dogs lapped it up.

It was a little past midnight that the first signs of trouble began to manifest themselves . The Beast was rudely awoken in a cold sweat with ghastly gastric gurglings and rectal trumpetings

coming from the darkened corner where little lloyd was sleeping . I think the dreadful fumes must have knocked me out as I was rattled awake again at 3 am with lloyd frantically bouncing up and down on my bed in an increasingly desperate attempt to wake a slumbering Beast

'gedupgedupgedupgedup I need TO GO TO THE TOILET NOW '

I dragged meself from the warm embrace of my duvet and staggered downstairs with a puckered lloyd and opened the garden door and had to wait in the chilly dark with the most shocking evacuation noises wafting from the darkened garden. It was with some trepidation I peered into the garden as I got ready for work as dawn broke.

Enshrined in the middle of the decorative gravel , was THE most enormous poo . No wonder a plainly exhausted Lloyd was slumbering on the sofa . I was going to take a picture of this gastric wonder ,but with the sensibilities of my delicate readershipin mind I felt just a general Idea would be more appropriate.

It looked like the contents of this cone.....only enormous and an evil brown colour :-).

Wizened poo gnome Dr Gillian McKieth would have had an orgasm if she had got a poke at this beauty

I SWIFT KICK IN THE BALEARICS

Mr C is off to the jewel of the Balearic Islands , Europe's number 1 holiday hot spot .The Majestic Majorca.
The staff at the Exclusive resort are patiently waiting to help Mr C with 5 days of 'relaxation and rest'






a little swimming perhaps






Sunbathing with friends :-)










and a cocktail or two served by the sophisticated staff in the exclusive Benidorm lounge

















Happy Holidays Mr C
PS. You don't have to trouble yourself with masses of presents ,something small yet expensive will suffice! Mr Gucci and Mr Prada seldom offend.



I will be spending the 5 days looking after Mr C's lovely (if spirited , some would say vicious) dogs Alfie and Lloyd . They are both hunting breeds and require a good deal of bothersome daily exercise . If I trick Frobisher into meeting me in the Avon Heath country park and surreptitiously slip a few ripe pork chops into his hoody, as I 'accidentally' release the unfed dogs . Frobisher could get a bit of much needed exercise for both him and the hounds . If I am feeling charitable I may take the tranquiliser gun.
This wizard wheeze will obviously only work the once ,so I have the Gaskins lined up for the next evening and am grooming Natemare for the next.
Who said aerobic exercise has to be boring

MAN OF STEEL SEEKS FRIENDS

As my services were not required at Café C this weekend ,I had a relaxed if unexciting time.
Friday night I went to the gym and did some cardio , then scampered off home , put on loud music and did the whole Ninja Cleaning thing.
This is not girly dabbing about with a duster and polishing me knick knacks in a desultory fashion , Its yomping about with the Dyson , dragging out furniture and getting down and dirty with my legendary " Flexible Crevice Tool" . Finished up just in time for dinner and an Ugly Betty Double Bill…..yippeeee
Saturday I got up early and went into town , mooched about the bookshops , did some bank stuff and had a coffee in the square while I read the scandalous celebrity goings on in the Sun . Then it was a trip to the gym for a lengthy cardio and weights spectacular .

There was a chubby middle aged guy floating about in the gym inexplicably dressed as superman (Cape , red boots and everything) . He kept looking expectantly at anyone who went past .Looked to me that he wanted someone to stop and chat , and was probably dressed as superman as an attention seeking gambit . I , along with everyone else studiously ignored him .(well you do don’t you , nobody wants to get stuck with the nutter)
Now I feel rotten about it , if I see him again I will make some jolly quip about his attire . I know I will probably regret it :-( , but hell , if the poor bugger has to go to such lengths to get noticed.....

Saturday Night I wandered round to the Gaskins to watch The Xfactor . It's long been a favourite of ours , the only thing that’s annoying me at the moment is the producers seem to be fixated on sob stories , it gets a bit dull that every contestant is a weeping and a wailing the whole time over whatever insignificant tale of woe they can dredge out of their past
‘My hamster died when I was four that’s why this is so important to me’ booo hooooo .
Yeah like it has nothing to do with craving attention ,money and fame then ???
Just cut the crap and get on with it .
Sunday was more of the same :-)

WOOLY WOOFTERS

This made me laugh

A Tyneside farmer was in shock that his prized rams may be gay . The rams have a bit of transferable blue dye painted on their underbelly so that the farmers can tell which ewes have mated by the blue smudge on their backs.

You can see from the picture, after a raunchy night in the fields , who exactly , has been getting a portion of the old 'lamb kebab' .

The rather sated and completely blue ones are all boys , the rather disappointed barely troubled one in the middle is the ewe :-( .

So gentle reader if you find yourself in Tyneside be carefull what you ask for at the butchers, lamb mince or a boned * anything could result in a nasty shock

The news site I found this story on seemed to have a worrying array of gay animal stories , in a little sidebar was a list of stories you 'may also enjoy' here is a short selection of what they had on offer :

Scientists look to 'straighten' gay sheep

Aussie boffins probe lesbian cows **

Inside the mind of a gay sheep***






*GEDDiiiiiiiiiiit !!!



**What a cool headline , it instantly brings to mind all manner of gross activities with implements and rubber gloves.

***I bet this is a rivetting read......NOT .