Monday, 14 July 2008

SCREAMING HEAP

First day back in the office from my holiday and the pleasures of air conditioning struck again. I got an earache , sore throat , all my joints ache like a very achey thing and I cant stop sleeping except to eat till I nearly burst.

Ravenous

Achey

Ear achey

Soar throated
Knackered

Beast


If I dont stop stuffing meself like a foi gras goose I will end up looking like this
And another thing , if I have to see another advert for feminine hygeine products tonight , I will go insane.Every single ad break its wall to wall lady parts .
Take thy 'Fanny Fresh' and leave ggggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

52 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Are those a pair of breasts or just one giant breast? I hope your tits are perkier than that, Beast. You'll lose a lot of fans if they aren't (well, maybe mj).

MJ said...

Would you please do me a favour and record all the feminine hygiene product ads for me?

It's that time of month again (note that I haven't flung my uterus at you so far) and I'm shopping around for a new line.

What's your opinion on pads with wings?

MJ said...

Moobs or no moobs, I shall remain your devoted fan.

Non-stop eating means you have a tape worm.

Which means you'll lose a lot of weight.

Including those man boobs.

MJ said...

I want a product that lets me still go horseback riding and swimming in comfort.

Perhaps you could test a few out for me?

Anonymous said...

Fuck all this fanny shit on tv, it sucks and puts me of my dinner, yuk........ its bad enough working with aload of girls, mood swings, blocking my loo up with there giant joints, give a giant cock any day...

cafe cunt// staff wanted apply with in...

MJ said...

I wish they would make tampon strings longer.

I'm always afraid that mine is going to get lost up there.

MJ said...

What kind of protection do you suppose the Queen used, back in the day?

MJ said...

*assumes Beast has fallen into a deep sleep with a ham hock under each breast*

FirstNations said...

no no no no no.

no no no no.

no no, no no no no. no, no no no: NO no no, no, no no.

no.

Hammer said...

Damn first boobs I see all day and this is what I get...

Liz said...

Hello, Beast. I haven't called for a while. I am a little confused. by life and stuff.

Have you just come back from holiday too? So have i! Was I with you? I don't think i was. But do tell me if i'm forgetting anything important.

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
Are those a pair of breasts or just one giant breast? I hope your tits are perkier than that, Beast. You'll lose a lot of fans if they aren't (well, maybe mj).

Mr B its a Mono Moob , I am sure there are some who find this sort of thing attractive

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Would you please do me a favour and record all the feminine hygiene product ads for me?

It's that time of month again (note that I haven't flung my uterus at you so far) and I'm shopping around for a new line.

What's your opinion on pads with wings
Firstly Miss MJ I would find it much more amusing if they were called flaps rather than wings . All the products are called things like FlapFresh or GussetFresh .Fresh seems to be the word du jour

BEAST said...

MJ said...
Moobs or no moobs, I shall remain your devoted fan.

Non-stop eating means you have a tape worm.

Which means you'll lose a lot of weight.

Including those man boobs.

A tapeworm seems to me the best kind of pet , functional and always with you , I shall concider this very carefully

BEAST said...

MJ said...
I want a product that lets me still go horseback riding and swimming in comfort.

Perhaps you could test a few out for me?

May I suggest rubber pants packed with newspaper ???

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
Fuck all this fanny shit on tv, it sucks and puts me of my dinner, yuk........ its bad enough working with aload of girls, mood swings, blocking my loo up with there giant joints, give a giant cock any day...

cafe cunt// staff wanted apply with in...

The adverts imply If you stuffed some FlapFresh gusset liners in your pants , you maybe would keep your staff longer , as well as enjoying horse riding and frenzied disco dancing

BEAST said...

MJ said...
I wish they would make tampon strings longer.

I'm always afraid that mine is going to get lost up there.

imagines 4 yards of coiled rope

BEAST said...

MJ said...
What kind of protection do you suppose the Queen used, back in the day?

Corgis?

BEAST said...

MJ said...
*assumes Beast has fallen into a deep sleep with a ham hock under each breast
I did ! after eating the ham hocks . I am more awake today :-)

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
no no no no no.

no no no no.

no no, no no no no. no, no no no: NO no no, no, no no.

no.

I am sensing negativity ???

BEAST said...

Hammer said...
Damn first boobs I see all day and this is what I get...

Mr H , all boobs are a lump of fat with a nipple stuck on the end !

BEAST said...

Liz said...
Hello, Beast. I haven't called for a while. I am a little confused. by life and stuff.

Have you just come back from holiday too? So have i! Was I with you? I don't think i was. But do tell me if i'm forgetting anything important.

Anything is possible in an infinite universe Liz , so lets just assume we were on holiday together and had a great time

INNER VOICES said...

just wait untill you get this years edition of the anal garden hose virus, very slimming! i lost twelve pounds... works wonders...

mutleythedog said...

I have some left over vaginal deodorant from the Curates party last week should it be of any interest...

Anonymous said...

fuck that i hate my staff, i go out my way to make there life hell, i wont it right , and my way, DO I PAY YOU TO THINK. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... you ever pik the green pits out of my strawberrys again, i will slap you... GET OUT OF MY KITCHIN NOW.............. LOL

BEAST said...

INNER VOICES said...
just wait untill you get this years edition of the anal garden hose virus, very slimming! i lost twelve pounds... works wonders...

I spy the next celebrety diet Mr Voices

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
I have some left over vaginal deodorant from the Curates party last week should it be of any interest...

I worry about the curate Mr M , he has very 'sophisticated ' tastes for a man of the cloth

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
fuck that i hate my staff, i go out my way to make there life hell, i wont it right , and my way, DO I PAY YOU TO THINK. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... you ever pik the green pits out of my strawberrys again, i will slap you... GET OUT OF MY KITCHIN NOW.............. LOL

Having just completed a 'Kitchen Bitch' shift at Cafe C under head Chef Mr Cuntt ... I havnt been subject to such ill treatment , foul language and scathing sarcasm since Ma Beasty managed to unpick the lock on the drinks cabinet.
Paid...PAID !!!! , I didnt even get anything to eat , unless you count third go of the pigswill bin after the hounds of hell Alfie and Lloyd have had their pick
Harump

Liz said...

You mean we could be like Doctor Who and Rose? Did we meet daleks? Have you wiped my brain? Yes! That would explain an awful lot.

BEAST said...

I blame Mr Mutley Liz , he seems to slip thru space and time leaving nowt but a slight wiff of anchovies and old spice to mark his passing .
I dont think it was a darlek , it was more likely Miss Mu Tai Dong being silly with a sink plunger....she has a very 'foreign' sense of humour.

kyknoord said...

Oh man, I feel like that every day and I haven't even had a holiday. Maybe it's from staying up all night watching adverts for feminine hygeine products.

Anonymous said...

i love you FN xxxxxxx

MJ said...

I'm feeling much fresher today.

BEAST said...

kyknoord said...
Oh man, I feel like that every day and I haven't even had a holiday. Maybe it's from staying up all night watching adverts for feminine hygeine products
Ooooh maybe it wasnt a virus then , it was the products , I have fresh wings poisoning

BEAST said...

Anonymous said...
i love you FN xxxxxxx
Mr C is displaying the dangers of buying organic food supplies , you turn into a big old tree hugging hippy , and starve LOVING every bugger all over peoples blogs.
I will distract him Miss FN , while you make a run for it

BEAST said...

MJ said...
I'm feeling much fresher today
Thank you for sharing Miss MJ , I have put down newspaper 'just in case'

BEAST said...

I meant START LOVING in the Mr C comment , I dont know where the starve came from.....must be my tapeworm

FirstNations said...

*runs towards anonymous, arms outstretched, to fall into in a lavender-scented tangle of black lace suspenders and decollatage*


*wakes up on a gurney with a concussion*

*DAMN AND CURSE these lavender scented suspenders and partially exposed boobage lying about all over the landscape*

FirstNations said...

PS anonymous is RED HOT LIKE FIRE AND I MUST SMOOCH HIM ALL OVER.

FirstNations said...

...right after frobisher leaves.

FirstNations said...

*shoos a snuffling frobisher out the back way with a broom*

UBERMOUTH said...

That kid did not get like that eating sushi and seaweed!

mutleythedog said...

I will come and do a few shifts.. really I am fucking good in a kitchen...

UBERMOUTH said...

And I thought my readers were weird!

Letty Cruz said...

Have the filters/filtration been checked in a blue moon or so? Because funky/snotty throats usually means fungus among your air-conditioning ducts and what-not.

But if the thermostat is down to arctic levels, that can eff with your body bigtime -- cough, "a/c colds", etc.

.... YES, I've lived in the desert too damned long, I know. When I've traveled and stayed away long, I've actually been homesick for air-conditioning!

MJ said...

I'm airing my fanny out right now as you sleep, in your garden.

BEAST said...

Miss FN . Put Mr C down , you dont know where he has been and stop flicking Frobisher with your lavender scented suspenders. A man in his condition can only take so much.

Miss Uber . More Man meat than you can handle ????

Mr M , I shall alert Mr C to add Fray Bentos Pie Kebobs to his specials board. Cafe C is is just down the road from you so you can visit anytime :-) (Cafe Jago , opposite the museum in Dorchester)

Miss Buber . My readers are lovely....mostly

Miss Letty . I shall wear a Micheal Jackson styleee mask to work in futur . Our air con is rubbish , the air is often warmer than it is outside :-(.

Spray Febreze in Miss MJ's direction , Please cover that up , your attracting the local cats

BEAST said...

Oh no I had a sausage fingered fit and misnamed Miss Uber as Miss Buber......there will be tears before bedtime :-(

MJ said...

*runs all over Beast's house, flapping fanny to simulate wings*

Donnnnn said...

Gadzooks!
Check out MJ's stream of consciousness riff on 'tampoons'?
I don't get all of the ads..do women not know about these things? Seriously is this some huge revelation?

Force feeding Geese has got to be one of the lowest points in human development..maybe after we'd solved gigantic social problems could we afford to sit around and think about stuffing Geese to make pate..really how f*cked up is that?

The Old Tarf said...

I used to have a six pack now it is just a 12 pack.

Work is a pain in the Ashtray that is why I am retired now. , so everyday is Holiday. I only have to answer to one Mistress now, Oh, two; the Cat wants something. So I must go.

BEAST said...

Donn . If I understand the adverts properly , at certain times of the month , women get an unbearable urge to ride horses , dico dance and do a lot of bike riding , this in turn requires gusset strengthening and freshening and the abilty to absorb blue liquid by the bucket load and it seems very important to have a cotton top weave and wings ???? .
This probably makes perfect sense to SOMEBODY.
Tarf , you lucky devil , I am green with envy , I hate work :-(

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