Thursday, 10 July 2008

I AM NOT ONE TO COMPLAIN.....BUT




The Beast is back from a weeks vacation........


The Beast is in cantankerous mood. My biggest gripe at the moment are the new self service checkouts at the supermarket.A marvellous invention where you can scan your own goods in a fraction of the time it usually takes to queue at a normal checkout. However , I have noticed of late that dim witted parents feel this has been put in place as a toy for there lumpen children. You join a massive queue , and why is it so massive???? because every dumbass that has managed to breed , thinks its a rollicking good idea to allow their 6 year old offspring to scan the shopping, you can see the look of misplaced pride that the inept fruit of their lions is taking 15 times longer to scan anything and holding up masses of shoppers .This of course escalates in that any parent in the queue feels a need to do the same thing , whether its for reasons of displaying parental pride or that their ill disciplined brats will starts screaming if they don't let them.


Who knows , but if only I had a harpoon gun I am sure I could sort this one out pretty quick.












Next up its caravan'ers , as soon as we hit July , those with a tortoise like mentality start clogging the roads . Hoards of the buggers trundling everywhere at 30 miles an hour. I have never seen the value in it meself.



Some will tell you its the romance of it all. However spending a week or two living in an area approximately the size of the average garden shed , crapping in a bucket and living off tinned spam and dehydrated mash all cooked up on your two ring baby belling. Broiling if its sunny(put a chicken leg in a Tupperware pot and leave it in the sun for a day and just see what state its in) or freezing to death if the British summer turns inclement , don't sound much fun to me.







Rumour has it that the Caravan Club meets are a hotbed for swingers(one suspects this rumour was spread by the Caravan Club publicity department).So if anyone fancies playing hide the sausage with the caravan 'er pin ups on the left , I am sure the CC will be beside themselves to hear from you.Doris is greasing her thighs with tinned ham jelly as we speak.



Ooooooh the Glamour !

20 comments:

MJ said...

I find that aspic makes a pleasant cold cream, suitable for spreading on the thighs.

Am I making you hungry?

UBERMOUTH said...

Yeah, there's nothing worse than parents who think their brats are just so charming! Makes you hate kids, really.
When in aqueue like that, just look into the middle distance and say,' Oh, free candy!'

Gorilla Bananas said...

Have you ever thought of being a scoutmaster, Beast? No, I thought not. I believe the right kind of false nose can terrify human kiddies. Especially if you wear an eye patch and carry shrunken skulls around your neck.

BEAST said...

MJ said...
I find that aspic makes a pleasant cold cream, suitable for spreading on the thighs.

Am I making you hungry?

Does it attract flies Miss MJ ???

BEAST said...

UBERMOUTH said...
Yeah, there's nothing worse than parents who think their brats are just so charming! Makes you hate kids, really.
When in aqueue like that, just look into the middle distance and say,' Oh, free candy!'

Free Candy ......where ????

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
Have you ever thought of being a scoutmaster, Beast? No, I thought not. I believe the right kind of false nose can terrify human kiddies. Especially if you wear an eye patch and carry shrunken skulls around your neck.

a little overdressed for supermarket shopping Mr B , I am sure a cattle prod will work just as well. Its not the children I have a problem with , its the dumbass parents....harumph

Letty Cruz said...

ah! The squealing loin byproducts of tourists nearly ruined an otherwise pleasurable tram ride on my Fourth of July micro-holiday.

& welcome back!

BEAST said...

Letty Cruz said...
ah! The squealing loin byproducts of tourists nearly ruined an otherwise pleasurable tram ride on my Fourth of July micro-holiday.

& welcome back!

Bless em , A tram ride sounds great , did you take sandwiches

Daisy said...

beast...i have always thought while waiting in line that the mothers were training their children for their permanent jobs...one time i was particularly annoyed and asked a woman if that was her purpose...she (with a huff) took her child away and did it herself...well i got through the line quicker :)
btw i hate caravans...spent a week in one as a child and thought it was a horrid prison...

BEAST said...

Daisy . I like big trailer caravans or a a pimped up monster truck that rooms fold out of .Its the little 2 wheel boxes I feel must engender a tortoise or snail like mentality.This is obviously a wild totally unfair generalisation that I fully expected to be shot down in flames for :-).
Equally my opinions of others children , rides rough shod over the problems of succesfully raising kids , becuase it inconveniences me for ten minutes at the supermarket.
I ought to be thoroughly ashamed of meself.
But I am not :-)

Donnnnn said...

You need to carry a concealed radioactive device so that you can sterilize those idiots and their tedious offspring.


I'd love one of those teensy Euro-Caravan thingamabobs but I don't speak Piker.

FirstNations said...

gotta disagree on this one....it's not the kids that are holding up the line at the self check out, but the very distant prospect that my husband may be thinking about standing in that line and using it. this creates a disruption in the Force and sends out Retardo-waves in a 30 k radius from the epicenter which effects both users and terminals similarly i.e drooling, emitting sparks out their butts etc.

carry on.

BEAST said...

Donnnnn said...
You need to carry a concealed radioactive device so that you can sterilize those idiots and their tedious offspring.
Errr wouldnt that sterilise me as well ??

I'd love one of those teensy Euro-Caravan thingamabobs but I don't speak Piker
Pikies have big showey vans with lots of stainless steel and bling , I am talking the little granny boxes with net curtains and shit

BEAST said...

FirstNations said...
gotta disagree on this one....it's not the kids that are holding up the line at the self check out, but the very distant prospect that my husband may be thinking about standing in that line and using it. this creates a disruption in the Force and sends out Retardo-waves in a 30 k radius from the epicenter which effects both users and terminals similarly i.e drooling, emitting sparks out their butts etc.

carry on.

Oh well that explains it then , I like the sound of emitting sparks from my butt , that would be way cool in the dark

UBERMOUTH said...

I have free candy-come here lil'boy.....

UBERMOUTH said...

Did you go back on hols?
*cracks whip* Another post!NOW!

MJ said...

Since nothing is happening here, I'm going over to visit Miss Ubermouth.

Lippy said...

Oh for god's sake Beast do stop whining , it is not an attractive trait in a man over 40. Which is odd really , well in the sense that so many of them seem to pursue it as a hobby, whining that is!!!

L xx

Letty Cruz said...

ha! No, no sammiches, but wish we did -- $5.66 for one slice of CHEESE pizza and alcoholic drinks (of which we had more than intended) were 7 bucks for DRAFT beer and 10 for mixed drinks. Yes, tourist prices are exactly that.

Letty Cruz said...

... so if you ever grace my hometown with your witty presence and are in the mood for a Swiss bucket ride to the mountain peak, I highly recommend the tram pass and meal package: the "Ride & Dine" which IIRC is $29. Just the tram pass is $19 so if you're going to be up there long enough to work a tummy rumble and don't feel like packing a lunch, it's a steal..... I REALLY need to get paid by the PS Chamber of Commerce for all this info :/

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