Saturday, 29 September 2007

MACHINE REBELLION



I bought one of those fancy hard drive tv recorders . It is supposed to record the programs you tell it to and also look which type of program you generally record and fill up any spare disk space with programs in the same category.

Oh this all worked well for about two weeks , then mine started slipping in the odd recording of 15 times a week crappy teen soap hollyoaks. I never watch or record any soaps , so this is a bit strange. Eventaully the recorder became absolutley obsessed and would not record anything else. When I put a block on the program which effectivly says never ever record this peace of crap again , the little blighter would not record anything at all , it sat in the corner with its little red light glaring malovently at me and did nothing.............. I switched it off for a week to teach it who is boss.......... and then the whole fight for dominance of Chez Beasty's televisual input started again.

I have just blocked Hollyoaks AGAIN , so its now sulking . I was standing in the hall the other day and I could see all the lights flashing on my wireless router ,they would flash for a bit then stop....... when they stopped the red and amber lights on the recorder would flash a bit , then back to the router....... I had a very strong impression they were talking about me.When I walked into the lounge they both stopped and had a whistling air of innocence about them , what confirms my theory is the wireless router has started to act difficult as well now.

I cannot believe I am having a battle of wills with a supposedly innanimate object but I will not be beaten by a box of wires , the little bastard iether tows the line , or its a quick trip to the dump. It has been switched off for a few days having first been told its imminent fate , we shall see if it mends its rebellious ways or starts chummying up to the dyson.

Its last chance saloon chez beasty its total submission or the tip......Mwa Ha Ha

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

JOGGING ALONG

Some Pikey wanker pinched my bike .

I was just getting back into cycling everywhere again , so its fecking annoying , it was a heap of old shite anyway , so I hope the chain snaps and the peddles fall off.......bastards


Not to be side tracked from the new healthy Beast lifestyle . To replace the bike ride into work , I have decided to go jogging first thing every morning , straight out of bed , climb into trainers and shorts and off i go. However I am finding I am extremely un coordinated first thing in the morning , I seem to have too many arms and legs , this state of affairs doesnt lend itself to jogging . I shamble down the road like quasimodo , with a bad dose of the squirts , trying to get to the nearest lav , before being overtaken by some ghastly gastric incident .


Luckily its still dark , so hopefully no one recognises me.


On another topic that is currently perplexing the Beast...........


I dont know wether you have this particular bit of marketing stupidity elsewhere in the world . Items of food ie chocolate bars , apples , bananas etc advertised as 'Fun Sized' which translates to extremely small.


How in the name of everything holy is a miniscule apple or a microscopic mars bar FUN.


I would like to find the person that thought this bit of idiocy was clever and kick them until they are dead..........now that sounds like fun.

Sunday, 23 September 2007

GROUNDED BEAST

Stand by your beds.
Ma Beasty is visiting.

The Beast is on best behaviour , house cleaned and ready for inspection.

Thus far Ma Beasty is not looking impressed.

I shall return shortly when the storm has passed.

Friday, 14 September 2007

BOYS , SHOPPING AND THE STUPID INDEX



I have covered men , supermarkets and stupidity before. I can generally only speak for myself , but despite detailed planning of my food shopping , check my cupboards for items that require replacing , decide on my meal requirements for the next few days and painstakingly make my list (if I am feeling particularly anally retentive , I can make my list colour coded , AND in the correct order for the supermarket layout) .So far so good.

However ,As soon as I get to the supermarket doors , the list magically vapourises , some bugger has moved all the shelves about, and I cant remember anything.

Supermarket and marketing executives know this and now have me at their mercy. I am aimlessly wandering about , in search of retail guidance , THEY know I like red shiny things(something to do with having testicles) , so there are plenty of red shiny signs , that basically are pitched in such a way that says buy me and you will get lots of sex

THEY also know ANYTHING on special offer will find its way into my trolley , regardless of the stupidity of the offer and wether I have ever used the item in my life before.

Basically if the big red shiny sign said ***** SPECIAL OFFER , BUY ONE PAY FOR TWO **** it would practically leap into my trolley , and I would feel GOOOOOD.

So what I am saying is , BEAST + Supermarket Shopping = Stupidity.


Now MR C + BEAST + Supermarket shopping = Stupidity squared (its quantum physics or something)


We went to get dog food and some dinner.

We wandered about aimlessly ( I just cant get my head round it , mutters Mr C)

we managed to get the dog food(hurrah)

We managed to get all sorts of things in tins(becuase they were interesting AND on offer)

We managed to get all sorts of frozen tenticled and shelled frozen horrors (becuase they were on offer)

We managed to get a pink fluffy steering wheel cover and furry dice (it was on SPECIAL offer)


We got to the till , and were informed that as our bill was 46 pounds , if we managed to get it over 50 pounds , we would get 5 pence of every litre of petrol at the garage..............

A fit of avericious panick followed , Mr C sprinted off like something out of supermarket sweep .The only thing he could find to take the bill over 50 pounds was a 7 pound bottle of Tesco Value Vodka . This probably makes no sense to those with wombs , you'all would have just squandered it on lavatory cleaner and toilet roll and useful stuff. THATS WHY WE RULE THE WORLD AND YOU DONT. HA HA HA HA....ahem....anyways


We paraded from the supermarket flushed with our superior shopping sucess.Hunter gatherer gods on our way to bargain petrol heaven.


Went to garage

Remember it was £7 for the vodka......

Saving on petrol £2 :-( ( they bloody saw me coming again didnt they.....bastards)

We forgot to get anything for dinner and had to detour to the fish and chip shop :-(

The vodka is going to taste like paint stripper :-(

Mr C will drink all the vodka anyway , before I get any :-(

Stupid , Stupid , Stupid



Thursday, 13 September 2007

SHOCKING BEHAVIOUR



The Beast being a clean living sort of chap , is often horrified by the 'behind closed doors' goings on reported in certain Sunday Tabloids . Honestly the things ordinary people get up to when they have too much time on their hands.

Well....... last night the Beast had exercised , partaken of a frugal supper and decided to pop out for a fortifying cup of tea with friends who shall remain nameless (Eccentrik , the lovely Clare , Natemare and his mysterious baltic beau Natalia Ripmytopoff - ooops)

As I approached the door to Mr E's delightful country abode , bats flitting about in the gathering gloom , cows lowing in the surrounding fields , discordant sounds of raucus revellery reached the Beasts perfectly formed ears.

With a twinge of trepidation I was about to press the doorbell , when the shrieks and libidinous howlings of laughter reached a crecendo .

I clearly heard the drink slurred voice of Mr E shout

THAT WAS RUBBISH , LET ME HAVE A GO

This was followed by loud ' SNAP

An agonised scream

a loud pain wracked American voice wailed

GOD DAMMIT MR E , YOU MISSED MY ASS

more screeches of laughter , and general drunken debauch.

The Beast decided at this point that discretion being the better part of valour , I would retire to my lonely garret and read some improving tract , possibly Jungle Janes new pamphlet 'Bashing the Bishop - a beginners guide ' ..... I you cant go wrong with a bit of theology, now can you

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

PAN AU CHOCOLAT

















A visit to Frobisher , after his 'minor' opperation to remove a suspect mole.
I was a little peturbed to see this cloud formation looming as i approached Chez Frobisher . I am not surprised that the grim reaper is keeping a keen eye on Mr F , as he is making a terrible fuss . I was sumarrily sent packing as my grapes and flowers where not of sufficient quality or quantity for a man in such a condition apparently.








Now The Beast has a complaint , WHY CANT PEOPLE FLUSH THE FECKING TOILET
I work in a modern office supposedly populated by professional people........ it is a little suprising to find half of them are not toilet trained.
The beast proposes a new organisation called Trap Watch , the lav is inspected by the warden as a person exits (gas mask supplied ) , if the miscreant has left a floater in the pan , a skid mark on the seat or has managed to piss on the floor the warden shall grab the miscreant by the scruff of the neck and employ 'puppy toilet training ' and rub their fecking nose in it.
That should solve the problem and engender a little more lavatorial accuraccy.

Saturday, 8 September 2007

FAREWELL MY LOVELIES



My favourite camo shorts dont fit anymore(sob) , I have to hold them up by radically pulling the inner drawstring tight as the waist is about 3 inches too large , this leaves a big unsightly lump bunched in the front like some sort of obscene growth. They have been the most comfortable and practicle shorts I have ever owned , lovely big leg pockets for keys , wallets , cigs and mobile. I think a viking funeral is in order , so if you see a dreadfull pall of evil smelling smoke hanging over the south of england , you know what it is.

I am going to miss them(sniff).

The following article made me laugh , I reckon its The Hitch's handiwork !
Ananova:
Double-decker jibe for mayor
A double-decker bus was driven through the heart of London - with a giant obscene insult about Mayor Ken Livingstone on its roof.
Office staff roared with laugher on reading "Livingstone is a c***!" in 3ft-high letters, according to The Sun.
The culprit's handiwork went unseen by bosses at Wood Green bus depot as it was not visible at street level.
Eye-witness Matt Arney, 26, who spotted and photographed the bus near the Thames Embankment, said: "Everyone dashed to the window. It was hilarious."
Mr Livingstone has been blamed for axing the famous Routemaster buses.

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

GASTRO PORN - OH YES



I had a marvellous evening , a nice long gym session , a nice dinner followed by two of my favourite chilled evening passtimes.

Firstly volumptuos Nigella Lawson is back on our screens - Hurrah.

Anyone who has had her series of cookery programs refused by an american network as 'Gastro Porn' not suitable for a god fearin familly audience gets the Beasts vote.

Last night season opener didnt dissapiont , Nigella's idea of low fat is to just fry everything in one pound of butter rather than two , she manages to pull off(if you will pardon the expression) a heady feel of nostalgic familly get togethers or chilled dinners with friends and pure animal lust and gluttony, She even managed to close the show with her signature 'cum shot' . Nigella sneaking down to the fridge in the small wee hours , barely contained in her white satin pj's , where upon she sets about a huge portion of leftover croisant caramel pudding and is seen behind the closing credits , Bossom heaving , a look of almost orgasmic delight on her face and double cream dribbling down her chin............
A program best watched alone as lustfully licking the TV screen in polite company is rarely acceptable...........

Its at times like this that one almost loses it completely , and fevered fantasies push to the fore of being tied almost nekkid to the kitchen table with a heaving Nigella , licking lard from your glistening chest while feeding you extra thick double cream donuts lovingly fried in goose fat.
After a short lie down in a darkened room I set about my next favourite thing with renewed vigour , squabbling with Mr C on MSN.........
Squabbling with Mr C is like sparring in karate or like good sex without anyone having to sleep on the wet patch.
It has it all , attack , defence , vile insults , ridiculous posturing , hopes , fears , jokes , threats , 'shouting' in capitals , rude jokes , setting of traps , tantrums and exchange of recipes.
I even saw Frobisher , stomping round in the road brandishing a tire iron and muttering dark oaths under his breath - I think he may have been at the gin again :-)
So all in all I had a good evening.
Nigella's Crispy Crunchy Squid
Squid cut into bite sized rings.
put in a plastic bag and give a good shake to coat with the following
2 tablespoons cornflour
4 table spoons of semolina (for a good bit of crunch)
1 teaspoon salt
1 teasespoon paprika
good grinding black pepper.
Deep fry until brown and crispy , serve with mayo with two cloves of fresh minced garlic stirred in
Yum.

Monday, 3 September 2007

BLOGGING HOLIDAY



The Beast is taking a short blogging holiday.

I have the dreaded bloggers block.

:-(

About Me

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Doing Other Stuff for a while.Mail /MSN messenger on beastch@hotmail.co.uk...COME AND SAY HELLO GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO