Friday, 14 September 2007

BOYS , SHOPPING AND THE STUPID INDEX



I have covered men , supermarkets and stupidity before. I can generally only speak for myself , but despite detailed planning of my food shopping , check my cupboards for items that require replacing , decide on my meal requirements for the next few days and painstakingly make my list (if I am feeling particularly anally retentive , I can make my list colour coded , AND in the correct order for the supermarket layout) .So far so good.

However ,As soon as I get to the supermarket doors , the list magically vapourises , some bugger has moved all the shelves about, and I cant remember anything.

Supermarket and marketing executives know this and now have me at their mercy. I am aimlessly wandering about , in search of retail guidance , THEY know I like red shiny things(something to do with having testicles) , so there are plenty of red shiny signs , that basically are pitched in such a way that says buy me and you will get lots of sex

THEY also know ANYTHING on special offer will find its way into my trolley , regardless of the stupidity of the offer and wether I have ever used the item in my life before.

Basically if the big red shiny sign said ***** SPECIAL OFFER , BUY ONE PAY FOR TWO **** it would practically leap into my trolley , and I would feel GOOOOOD.

So what I am saying is , BEAST + Supermarket Shopping = Stupidity.


Now MR C + BEAST + Supermarket shopping = Stupidity squared (its quantum physics or something)


We went to get dog food and some dinner.

We wandered about aimlessly ( I just cant get my head round it , mutters Mr C)

we managed to get the dog food(hurrah)

We managed to get all sorts of things in tins(becuase they were interesting AND on offer)

We managed to get all sorts of frozen tenticled and shelled frozen horrors (becuase they were on offer)

We managed to get a pink fluffy steering wheel cover and furry dice (it was on SPECIAL offer)


We got to the till , and were informed that as our bill was 46 pounds , if we managed to get it over 50 pounds , we would get 5 pence of every litre of petrol at the garage..............

A fit of avericious panick followed , Mr C sprinted off like something out of supermarket sweep .The only thing he could find to take the bill over 50 pounds was a 7 pound bottle of Tesco Value Vodka . This probably makes no sense to those with wombs , you'all would have just squandered it on lavatory cleaner and toilet roll and useful stuff. THATS WHY WE RULE THE WORLD AND YOU DONT. HA HA HA HA....ahem....anyways


We paraded from the supermarket flushed with our superior shopping sucess.Hunter gatherer gods on our way to bargain petrol heaven.


Went to garage

Remember it was £7 for the vodka......

Saving on petrol £2 :-( ( they bloody saw me coming again didnt they.....bastards)

We forgot to get anything for dinner and had to detour to the fish and chip shop :-(

The vodka is going to taste like paint stripper :-(

Mr C will drink all the vodka anyway , before I get any :-(

Stupid , Stupid , Stupid



19 comments:

First Nations said...

I'm pouting. you can buy hard liquor in the grocery stores there? what?
We have to go to a special state-run store here, and as soon as you walk in you feel like a big, smelly alcoholic because of course the only reason you're there is to BUY BOOOOOOOOZE.

you guys shop exactly like the Biker does. the man cannot pass up anything in an interesting package. we cannot pass an ethnic grocery, either.

decide on a design. NOWNOWNOWNOW.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Why don't you let them deliver your groceries and play French cricket in the back garden instead?

BEAST said...

First Nations said...
I'm pouting. you can buy hard liquor in the grocery stores there? what?
FN yes there are aisles and aisles of it , but you then stagger to the check out clutching your booty and the person is under 18 so cant serve you without the manager standing next to them so you have to wait 40 minutes for the manager to appear , grrrrrrrrrr
We have to go to a special state-run store here, and as soon as you walk in you feel like a big, smelly alcoholic because of course the only reason you're there is to BUY BOOOOOOOOZE.

you guys shop exactly like the Biker does. the man cannot pass up anything in an interesting package. we cannot pass an ethnic grocery, either.

What can I say , us boys are predictable

decide on a design. NOWNOWNOWNOW.

I AM looking , and I will find something soon , unfortunatly I was kidnapped by Frobisher and Mr C at the weekend and it all went horribly wrong

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
Why don't you let them deliver your groceries and play French cricket in the back garden instead?

Mr Bananas , that would be the sensible thing to do , however the human male has to satisfy that old hunter gatherer yearning on a regular basis or trouble ensues , had Mr Napolean been sent out to do the weekly food shop , I doubt he would have got in such a tiz and rushed off to invade Russia , and we all know how that ended

Lippy said...

hmmm..we are about to change to a delivery for this very reason...well apart from the vodka. I'll let you know how it goes!

Newforestandy said...

Oh my... I cant believe you fell into the offer trap. Plus I bet you went shopping whilst hungry? On top of that you actually bought Tesco' own value Vodka! One tip for the vodka, it works as a good floor cleaner as well as a paint stripper!

BEAST said...

Lippy said...
hmmm..we are about to change to a delivery for this very reason...well apart from the vodka. I'll let you know how it goes!

Lippy , I am not sure I could be doing with interweb shopping , I am a tactile shopper , I like to fondle me veg before I buy

BEAST said...

Newforestandy said...
Oh my... I cant believe you fell into the offer trap. Plus I bet you went shopping whilst hungry? On top of that you actually bought Tesco' own value Vodka! One tip for the vodka, it works as a good floor cleaner as well as a paint stripper!
Mr NFA , they set the offer trap specifically with the likes of me in mind , I brought a bottle of Value Gin last xmas , it took till august to get rid of the after taste........it was vile

First Nations said...

Beast? C?? FROBI??? oh MY GOD. i hope someone had the sense to bring a camera?!

i'm only interested in the frobisher shots, of course. *heartfelt sigh*

Hammer said...

The vodka is as good as petrol. Cheaper too ;)

BEAST said...

First Nations said...
Beast? C?? FROBI??? oh MY GOD. i hope someone had the sense to bring a camera?!

i'm only interested in the frobisher shots, of course. *heartfelt sigh*

FN I trimmed Mr F's 'bush' and then it was all down hill from there

BEAST said...

Hammer said...
The vodka is as good as petrol. Cheaper too ;)

Mr H , you have obviously never come into contact with the Tesco's value range of comestibles. The vodka will probably strip the enamel off your teeth , or burn the paint off your car , the phrase 'Cheap and Nasty' is def in order

mutleythedog said...

I used to just but one of everything - but since I switched to Aldi - due to a change in circumstances - ahem - I buy the same things every week. After all there are the same number of days every week, and therefore the same number of meals. Its obvious if you have shopping that works then you can just repeat it. Really, you should come to me for advice more often...

Gledwood said...

I remember once being in Tescos in Norwich ... glancing through the ice cream selection and ONLY about 4 different brands of DULL BORING DEATHDEFYINGLY TURGID VANILLA were there... so I pulled out a section of cardboard box from the floor which so happened to fit precisely the pricing/description fixtures... wrote THIS SELECTION IS CRAP in huge letters and wandered off feeling strangely gratified at having made my point...
How ARE you by the way I've been here before.. friend of friends type of thing...
yeah!

(Gledwood "vol 2" ...)

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
I used to just but one of everything - but since I switched to Aldi - due to a change in circumstances - ahem - I buy the same things every week. After all there are the same number of days every week, and therefore the same number of meals. Its obvious if you have shopping that works then you can just repeat it. Really, you should come to me for advice more often...
Mr Mutley you are a shining beacon of common sense , is it a fray bentos pie for every day of the week ? . I appiont you as my lifestyle guru - hurrah

BEAST said...

Gledwood said...
I remember once being in Tescos in Norwich ... glancing through the ice cream selection and ONLY about 4 different brands of DULL BORING DEATHDEFYINGLY TURGID VANILLA were there... so I pulled out a section of cardboard box from the floor which so happened to fit precisely the pricing/description fixtures... wrote THIS SELECTION IS CRAP in huge letters and wandered off feeling strangely gratified at having made my point...
How ARE you by the way I've been here before.. friend of friends type of thing...
yeah!

(Gledwood "vol 2" ...)

I shall try that Tesco's trick Gledwood old bean , if I get banned again its your fault .
The friend of friends is a bit worrying .....most of my friends are terrible , so i dread to think :-)

Newforestandy said...

Beast, instead of visiting Tesco, how about doing the shopping online? That way you can kidnap the driver and hold him to ransome, or even tie him to the pier?

mutleythedog said...

I am delighted to have been of assisstance! No one has ever listened to any of my advice before!! I shall start giving more I think if it gets this reception!!

Signed

Your Lifestyle Guru

Do you think this is a little pretentious of me?

jungle jane said...

I just got back from Tesco! It was awesome - I am off sick today so I've spent the afternoon in Homebase buying manly, blokey stuff and then i went to Tesco to get in touch with my feminine side.

I found some awesome new brocolli - it is brocolli on stalks! i got so excited i bought 2 packs of it! I also bought extra loo roll just in case its got lots of fibre in it!

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