Tuesday, 4 September 2007

GASTRO PORN - OH YES



I had a marvellous evening , a nice long gym session , a nice dinner followed by two of my favourite chilled evening passtimes.

Firstly volumptuos Nigella Lawson is back on our screens - Hurrah.

Anyone who has had her series of cookery programs refused by an american network as 'Gastro Porn' not suitable for a god fearin familly audience gets the Beasts vote.

Last night season opener didnt dissapiont , Nigella's idea of low fat is to just fry everything in one pound of butter rather than two , she manages to pull off(if you will pardon the expression) a heady feel of nostalgic familly get togethers or chilled dinners with friends and pure animal lust and gluttony, She even managed to close the show with her signature 'cum shot' . Nigella sneaking down to the fridge in the small wee hours , barely contained in her white satin pj's , where upon she sets about a huge portion of leftover croisant caramel pudding and is seen behind the closing credits , Bossom heaving , a look of almost orgasmic delight on her face and double cream dribbling down her chin............
A program best watched alone as lustfully licking the TV screen in polite company is rarely acceptable...........

Its at times like this that one almost loses it completely , and fevered fantasies push to the fore of being tied almost nekkid to the kitchen table with a heaving Nigella , licking lard from your glistening chest while feeding you extra thick double cream donuts lovingly fried in goose fat.
After a short lie down in a darkened room I set about my next favourite thing with renewed vigour , squabbling with Mr C on MSN.........
Squabbling with Mr C is like sparring in karate or like good sex without anyone having to sleep on the wet patch.
It has it all , attack , defence , vile insults , ridiculous posturing , hopes , fears , jokes , threats , 'shouting' in capitals , rude jokes , setting of traps , tantrums and exchange of recipes.
I even saw Frobisher , stomping round in the road brandishing a tire iron and muttering dark oaths under his breath - I think he may have been at the gin again :-)
So all in all I had a good evening.
Nigella's Crispy Crunchy Squid
Squid cut into bite sized rings.
put in a plastic bag and give a good shake to coat with the following
2 tablespoons cornflour
4 table spoons of semolina (for a good bit of crunch)
1 teaspoon salt
1 teasespoon paprika
good grinding black pepper.
Deep fry until brown and crispy , serve with mayo with two cloves of fresh minced garlic stirred in
Yum.

26 comments:

Frobisher said...

It gets worse Beast, I've found a tyre iron that fits! Watch this space as the whole drama moves up a gear . . .

BEAST said...

Frobisher said...
It gets worse Beast, I've found a tyre iron that fits! Watch this space as the whole drama moves up a gear . .

*** Hides in shed with tin helmet on***

Lippy said...

We missed it - I can't believe it. The TB would definatley leave home for Nigella, hell I'd leave home for Nigella!

I'm making the miso salmon for tea tomorrow - but as it's first day of school everyone voted for cottage pie tonight in a fit of barely concealed nostalgia/

Hammer said...

I don't know how those TV chefs stay slim with all that fried food they cook.

Jenny! said...

I have seen her show...not sure where...but that woman knows how to get to a man's heart!

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

New recipe:

Take one older woman, can cook
Add sexual innuendo
lick fingers
bring to the BBC
Let it boil over an 18-week prime time TV slot...

et voila! TV success.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Well said, Mermaid. All that licking and dribbling is just for show. Nigella is as frigid as an ice cube in the sack or I'll shave my hairy arse. You can't fool a gorilla.

First Nations said...

wait-what?

there was licking. i know there was licking going on.


someone tell me what happened to the licking?

Pink Drama said...

when is frobisher not going after the gin?

BEAST said...

Lippy said...
We missed it - I can't believe it. The TB would definatley leave home for Nigella, hell I'd leave home for Nigella!

I'm making the miso salmon for tea tomorrow - but as it's first day of school everyone voted for cottage pie tonight in a fit of barely concealed nostalgia/


Yum I love cottage pie with loads of thick gravy....yum

BEAST said...

Hammer said...
I don't know how those TV chefs stay slim with all that fried food they cook.

Mr Hammer , Nigella is far from slim , junesque is proably the best description of her ample charms

BEAST said...

Jenny! said...
I have seen her show...not sure where...but that woman knows how to get to a man's heart!

Jenny! , she sure hits the spot

BEAST said...

Mermaid of Moorgate said...
New recipe:

Take one older woman, can cook
Add sexual innuendo
lick fingers
bring to the BBC
Let it boil over an 18-week prime time TV slot...

et voila! TV success.


Do I detect a soupcon of bitterness ???

BEAST said...

Gorilla Bananas said...
Well said, Mermaid. All that licking and dribbling is just for show. Nigella is as frigid as an ice cube in the sack or I'll shave my hairy arse. You can't fool a gorilla.

Mr Bananas , all mating ritual is for show , is it not !
and what better advertisement than good food and a shag , the woman is talking the Beast language

BEAST said...

First Nations said...
wait-what?

there was licking. i know there was licking going on.


someone tell me what happened to the licking?


FN there is a distinct possibility of screen licking chez Beasty , we are an interactive household

BEAST said...

Pink Drama said...
when is frobisher not going after the gin?

Pinky , its terrible , Frobisher is often to be found 'tired and emotional' , muttering to his television set , with occasional outbursts of loud swearing

Newforestandy said...

What happened to good old fish and chips?

I cant believe Mr F would pick up a dirty old tyre lever, wont it damage his nails?

mutleythedog said...

You eat squid??? Don't you know they are phenomenally intelligent alien super beings???

mutleythedog said...

You are right about Frobie Mr Newforest... also he has a truss.

First Nations said...

someone needs to fill me in on this Nigella Lawson character. I find her referred to similarly all over the Webbynet...usually to the tune of slobbering, rapid breathing and strange flapping noises coming from the boy's side of the gym. is it a cooking show? is she a character on a series? *snif* i feel left ooooooout!

BEAST said...

Newforestandy said...
What happened to good old fish and chips?

I cant believe Mr F would pick up a dirty old tyre lever, wont it damage his nails?


Mr NFA , there is nothing wrong with good old fish and chips , they are a good old favourite chez Beasty .
Mr F was wearing pink marigolds , does that help

BEAST said...

mutleythedog said...
You eat squid??? Don't you know they are phenomenally intelligent alien super beings???

Oh yes , but they are damn tasty , I wonder if Bamber Gascoine , lightly fried in breadcrumbs would be as tender

mutleythedog said...
You are right about Frobie Mr Newforest... also he has a truss.

Mr M , we are not allowed to mention the truss or the toupe Mr F is very touchy about them

BEAST said...

First Nations said...
someone needs to fill me in on this Nigella Lawson character. I find her referred to similarly all over the Webbynet...usually to the tune of slobbering, rapid breathing and strange flapping noises coming from the boy's side of the gym. is it a cooking show? is she a character on a series? *snif* i feel left ooooooout!

FN Nigella Lawson is daughter of former UK chancellor of the Exchequer Nigel Lawson.
She is a cook rather than a trained chef
She has written a number of cookbooks mainly aimed at family meals and entertaining friends .Each book is usually backed up by a TV cooking show


Famously Rubenesque in appearance (big hips , small waist and a fine rack) .Her approach to food and cooking can best be described as sensual , with its music back track of nostalgic fifties torch and jazz singers , its all filmed in her expansive , trendy and slightly twee family kitchen (she is married to multi millionaire Charles Saatchi).
Its a cozy mix of quirky family nostalgia and soft food porn .Comforting , naughty but nice .
The recipes are good , many of them handed down thru her family and its the best used set of books in the Beast family , my neices and nephews will kill for Nigella's Sticky toffee pudding

Tickersoid said...

I was starting to develop a little stiffy reading that.

Newforestandy said...

Mr F..... wears a toupe? I cant believe that, nor the fact he has a truss.

When are you gonna start doing all these 'Nigella' meals for us Mr Beast? Perhaps you could even start a new meals under the pier, as part of your usual service?

ADW said...

Yum, yum. And she is super duper hot.

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