DISAPPOINTMENT

Miss MJ mentioned The Baked Bean Museum in her recent post comments .

Undoubtedly a fantastic day out , but brings to mind a bitter holiday

disappointment of recent years.

Against my better judgement I was talked into a weeks cycling holiday in the Dordogne region of France .

Travel was by Eurostar to Paris , then a four hour TGV to the Dordogne . Lets first deal with the TGV . You hear so much, oft repeated blether on how wonderful the French trains are . Well they are fast , I will give you that .However as we all know the french are firmly stuck in the 1970's porn flick school of decor (For god sake they floral wallpaper EVERYTHING including the backs of doors and the ceiling) . The train interior was ghastly , a medley of migraine inducing oranges and greens , lots of smoked glass and sticky fake leather seats . The air conditioning conked out as soon as we left Paris and the toilets overflowed in the middle of the Loire valley . We spent most of the journey firmly welded to the vinyl seats gagging in the stifling 'not so delicate hint of bowel' atmosphere.

Formidable ??? NON!!!!

The holiday itinerary was that you arrived and picked up your bikes , then each day you followed the planned cycle routes from hotel to hotel enjoying this unique holiday region and the company transport your luggage.

Sounds lovely.

Sadly , It was steaming hot , the bikes were like something they found at the local dump , the hotels were uniformly dreadful and the cycle routes were obviously designed by some purist uptight vegan self flagellating miserablist . They avoided all tourist fleshpots(I was brought up in Margate for the love of god , Naff Tourist Fleshpots is what I live for) and pointlessly meandered up every damn hill in France on the pretext of visiting some dull as ditchwater church or award winning Village (Every frigging god forsaken dump in the Dordogne has The Most Beautiful Village in France award) . It was on the last day we realised you could actually cycle to your next hotel in about half an hour if you took the direct route , no 90 km slog ,no hills , no boring churches and plenty of decadent touristy crap to be enjoyed , I would have given my right arm for a glow in the dark Eifel Tower or a Diana The Huntress teatowel

Incidently every chateaux in France has a room where Diana of Poitier shagged a king or a prince.....Diana the Huntress indeed , the woman was a right royal slapper

anyway (Piggies favourite word)

On about the third day of this purgatory I found a leaflet some poor soul had hidden down the back of the bed , advertising the wonders of

Walnut World .... The Best Walnut Themed Day Out In the WORLD.

Man I was transfixed , just imagine all that walnut themed FUN . I WAS GAGGING FOR IT and it was only 30 kilometers from where we were . After a sleepless night my fellow joy deprived cyclists and I set off in a fever of walnut related excitement.

Oh how we chatted and fantasised of the wonders awaiting us as We peddled through the broiling midday sun , slogged up ferocious hills and eventually arrived sweat soaked and exhausted at the shimmering pleasure seeking tourist Mecca that is Walnut World.......

IT WAS FUCKING CLOSED !!

And that dear reader is why I hate the French !

GYMTASTIC

The Beast has gone gym crazy again.I have these month(s) long fits of enthusiasm alternated with brief periods of sloth

Give me weights (Free and machines , I am not fussy)

A Swiss ball (More comfortable than a bench for presses and fly's)

A bottle of water (Hydration , Hydration , Hydration)

Some drum' n' bass on my ipod(Or anything With a steady , up tempo beat)

I get all hyperactive and 'superset' (Which is to flit between reps of two or more different exercises with no breaks ) .

My Trainer

***pauses for effect***

Oh did I mention I have a personal trainer once a week - (how Hollywood is that , I can tell y'all are swooning with the glamour of it)

sarcastically refers to my training technique as the ADHD workout - cheeky devil.

What do the rest of you do for exercise , or are you as inactive as Piggy's Gym Membership (Guffaws loudly at the thought of Piggy in salmon pink leotards , head band and leg warmers)

VIRGO'S ARE INSANE

UPDATED : Beasts Perfect Poached egg using the method that was buggered up by the virgo and detailed below ;- now read the original post .......

No point being coy , we at Beastbite call a spade a spade .

If you have a Virgo in your life you will know exactly what I mean , do not think you have escaped SAGITTARIANS, we will get to you later .

Ma Beasty is a big old Virgo , one of her current obsessions is producing the perfect poached eggs for multiple diners.

If any Virgo's reading this would like to stop at this point and have a little obsess , feel free just join us for a bit of character assassination when your ready

Not a difficult task , other more stable zodiac signs may cry , but cry in vain you must .

See now, where most of us would do a little research on the interwebs , ask friends , look in books.Formulate a plan and give it a go. It will either work or it won't no worries .

A Virgo will do the extensive research , select a method , then decide they know better (as Virgos are pathalogically unable to follow simple instructions without 'over thinking' the whole damn thing ), add a few bizarre steps to the proscribed method , because lets face it Virgo's know best , try it ,not surprisingly it will all go horribly wrong . This will be swiftly followed by much stressing , adding of even more bizarre and fangled steps to the method , more stressing and eventually the fickle finger of stress , fate and blame will wildly alight upon YOU , oh innocent bystander.

It will all be your fault , and as you stand there , bemused , smarting from a sudden and vicious tongue lashing with molten poached egg dripping off your head and a slammed door and vile curses ricocheting in the silent kitchen , wondering W T F just happened.

Poor Pa Beasty , experienced such an afternoon , and is squarely blaming ME , for finding what was touted as The Perfect and simple method for producing multiple poached eggs simultaniously and goading Ma Beasty into action.

Perfect and Simple that is till a virgo got hold of it.

Have a nice weekend Pa Beasty.......Mwa Ha Ha Ha HA

Oh and Sagittarians are MUCH WORSE

AMOROUS AMPHIBIANS

We have had pretty vile weather over the last couple of weeks culminating in good old mother nature emptying her bloated bladder all over the hapless inhabitants of Dorset , we had a whole months worth of rainfall in one sodden day.

Not much fun for us soggy mammals , seemingly works like viagra on the amphibians tho, as I discovered when I crept out on the patio to have a cigarette and almost slipped arse over tit on a couple of copulating frogs , the flippery amphibian kind not the ghastly french kind I may add.

Now your average frog doesn't go in for wild energetic shagging as such ,one just sits on top of the other one and looks a bit bored .

However I was a bit alarmed that they seemed to have positioned themselves to get a good view of the Beast thru the patio doors during this coitial encounter.

While being an object of desire during the normal course of events is a heavy burden indeed ,

****stops to sigh meanigfully***

Being a fantasy figure during HOT FROG SEX is almost to much to bear

***collapses decorously on leather sofa***

TAKING A BREAK

Beast is cogitating .

There are a few things I need to get my head round at the moment .

Be back after a short break

Missing you already *

*Thats a lie :-)

FROZEN EXTREMETIES

Welcome to Beasties Winter Wonderland . My poor tropicals are looking a bit sorry for themselves , but I will give them a good dose of Gaskins Chicken poo when it warms up a bit .

Despite the media hype of Britain grinding to a halt , it was business as usual chez Beastly . I actually opted to walk in to work in a howling blizzard as we don't get snow very often and it was cold but beautiful.

***Beast straps on snow shoes and keeps a weather eye for ravening mooses***

I did try my Captain Oats gambit on staggering from work into the teeth of another blizzard

I am just popping out , I may be some time

***cries Beast posing by the open door, snow swirling heriocally around him***

I got a resounding Yeah Whatever

BASTARDS

GASTRO GNOME

I grant you this may look like a dreadful gastric incident , but oh gentle reader , you would be so wrong .

This is the Beasts Famed Onion Marmalade , commissioned exclusively for Dorchester's premiere eating establishment Cafe C.

What the esteemed Mr C does exactly with the onion marmalade is shrouded in mystery , however I can report having to clean a splat of it from the ceiling on my last surprise kitchen clean fest , some whisper of dark satanic rituals , others still remark on Mr C's untamed culinary enthusiasms , I myself am strictly of the opinion that Mr C is a messy bastard....

However I promised Miss First Nations the recipe and here it is .

6 large red onions

2 and 1/2 cups brown sugar

3 cups Balsamic vinegar

20 peppercorns (roughly crushed or limply squashed depending on your mood)

2 chillies

8 bay leaves

1. Peel and thinly slice onions

2.Place in large pan with a good slurp of olive oil and cook till onions are soft

3. Add a bit of the sugar and cook till the onions start to brown

4. Add rest of sugar , vinegar , crushed pepper , chopped chillie and bay leaves

5.Bring to boil and cook at a rolling boil until liquid has almost disappeared (About 30 minutes)

6.By this stage your house will reek of vinegar and onions

7. While you choke on the vinegar fumes , place well washed jars in a low oven for about 20 minutes to sterilise .

8.Jar up and seal your marmalade , will keep about 3 months in the fridge .

9 open all windows and doors for about a week, wash all your clothes , shower about 15 times till vinegary , oniony stench subsides